Hiya Gorgeous,
Oh, it’s you again. Hello, fear.
Whether you’re fearful of getting sick, you’re currently dealing with a health issue, or you’re scared and struggling in other areas of your life, I want you to know that you’re in good company.
I also want you to know that learning how to overcome fear IS possible. And that doesn’t mean burning it to the ground every time it rears its ugly head. Sometimes it’s as simple as working WITH your fear rather than against it. Because fear contains powerful messages. When we’re courageous enough to be with what scares us, we can awaken our intuition and create a new path for healing.
Don’t judge your fears, invite them to tea!
It’s common to belittle our fears and try to prematurely cleanse them away. But just because we’re afraid, doesn’t mean we’re toxic or failing or falling off the spiritual wagon. Fear is one of the many colors in our emotional palette, and it’s often there for a reason. There’s nothing weak or less evolved about being frightened. And like I said, you’re not alone. We’re all scared. No one is fearless.
Anyone who lives with cancer (myself included), will tell you that figuring out how to overcome fear is an ever-evolving practice. Sometimes the shifts happen quite easily, other times our fears refuse to be rushed (and they really hate being trivialized). It took me years to have a realistic perspective about my own health terrors. And let me be honest, I’m still working on it. Though I had the same information that I have now, time and experience have had a tremendous impact on how I work with my fears.
Fear is normal and, to a certain extent, it’s important.
We can thank fear when it makes us get a lump checked or tells us not to walk alone down that dark alley. We can have gratitude for fear when it shakes us awake or jolts us from complacency.
But while fear can play a very valuable role in igniting action, we can’t let it run our lives—especially if our fears are totally unfounded or irrational. Once we receive the message (the aha!), we need to disable the fear alarm, turn it off, cool it down. Because no one can thrive in a constant state of panic—our bodies aren’t built for that (and neither are our spirits).
So, how do you get what you need from fear without letting it pull you under? Here are some of my go-to methods…
How to Overcome Fear: 9 Simple Tips to Set You Free from What Scares You
1. Bring yourself back to the present moment.
The here. The now. The pillow under your butt. The ground under your feet. The real reality. Unplug the movie in your mind and pet your dog. That’s real. That’s what’s really happening.
2. Open your heart.
You know those fluttering feelings in your belly? Instead of getting hysterical, just sit with them. Breathe through them. Deeply. Slowly. Continually. Have the guts to stay there longer than you’d like. If sadness comes up, let it be there. If anger comes up, that’s ok too. Tears will probably follow. This is the ripest place. This is real and raw and wonderful. Congratulations! You’re licking through your own noise to get to the Tootsie Roll at the center of the spiritual lollipop!
3. Listen.
Once you’ve made contact with what’s coming up for you, ask fear what it’s trying to say. Request that it communicate in a calm, coherent way. Don’t rush it. (Unless, of course, Freddy Krueger hops out from behind the next tree, in which case you should save the analysis for later and run very fast!) But if the monsters are only in your very colorful imagination, have some R.E.S.P.E.C.T., mind your manners and don’t interrupt. Let fear speak.
4. Do an intuition gut check.
Make a determination about whether your fear is constructive or destructive. Journaling can be a really helpful way to get clarity on this. If you agree with the fear, begin to explore how you can make a healthy shift. If you don’t agree, you can simply decline the opportunity to react. Instead of indulging yourself and peeing in your new pants, soothe your thoughts like you would soothe a nervous 5-year-old. Hint: If you’re having a hard time determining what’s constructive versus destructive, a good therapist can help you with this. Mine sure helps me!
5. Identify fear fantasies.
Fantasy and imagination are our most powerful, creative resources. It might make you relax a bit to realize that fear is actually creative. What?! Think about it. What’s more creative than writing elaborate stories all day?
To give you an example of how fear fantasies can spiral out of control, let’s take a quick tour down one of my irrational fear rabbit holes: An impending doctor appointment. All I could think of was how my disease had progressed and that I’d like to invite you all to my funeral. What kind of food should be served? Should there be a DJ? No, that’s not serious enough. Who should get my good jewelry? My mom and my sister. Will Brian remember to feed Lola and Tara? And Brian is so lonely. I love Brian, and I miss him. Maybe he should start dating again. But not someone younger than me. OH MY GOD, Brian is dating a hot 20-year-old! I hate Brian.
When I’m able to grab myself out of those loops, I usually have a good ole laugh, acknowledge the underlying anxiety, and head to Target for some trash mags or watch a great movie (while holding Brian’s hand). However, if I’m unable to see my fantasy for what it really is (stress), then the next time Brian asks where the almond butter is, I’ll tell him to ask his new lover!
The key, of course, is to flip fear on its head by choosing a more positive story. Think you’re not experienced/good/young/smart/fit/well/whatever enough? Think again. You’re all that and more, dear one.
Are fear fantasies holding you back from sharing your big ideas with the world?
We often tell ourselves that we have to have it all figured out before we begin, and that if we don’t, we’ll fail. But being prepared doesn’t stop the unexpected from happening, and mistakes are inevitable in business! That’s why you need simple, reliable tools for navigating the tough stuff and protecting yourself from burnout while you’re at it.
My free ebook, How to Build Your Business without Burning Out: 10 Keys for Avoiding the Mistakes Most Entrepreneurs Make, includes 10 proven systems and strategies for overcoming the mistakes most entrepreneurs make so you can start or grow the profitable business of your dreams. Ready to vanquish your fears, together?
6. Move.
Another way to gain clarity is to get back into your body through movement. Activating our bodies changes our perspectives. A walk, a run, a bike ride or some inversions (they really help!)—whatever it takes to snap out of the fear feedback loop.
7. Lean on your inner circle.
You don’t need a huge crew—just a couple of true blue buds you can always count on. Many of us feel embarrassed and ashamed of our fears. We’ve been conditioned to believe that fear makes us weak. “Grow up. Man up. It’s not cool to be scared. Don’t be such a cry baby.” But stored up fears never make us stronger. Quite the opposite, in fact. Stored up fears break us (emotionally and physically).
If you want to set a powerful example for yourself and others, give your fear a voice. Talk it out. Call a friend. Chat with the friend within. Book a session with that good therapist. Pray. Find a community you can count on, like Inner Circle Wellness. One of the reasons I built this membership community was to give you a space where you feel safe, loved and supported through whatever life throws at you—I hope you’ll consider joining us.
Whatever you do, don’t feel like you need to tend to your fears alone. Ask for support. It’s all around you.
8. Let love rule.
Love is greater than fear. And love is everywhere, always. Love is the glue that holds the infinite together. Fear is a tiny drop of water compared to the ocean that is love. If you’ve ever practiced EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), you know that love and acceptance are great tools for calming your nervous system. I’ve used this statement (affirmation) many times in my own EFT practice: “Even though I’m really scared, I love and accept myself anyway.” Boom. Stress reduction.
9. Choose the next right action.
Now it’s time to make a move. It can be a baby step that simply lifts you out of that fearful space. Or it can be a leap right into the thing that scares you. All of the previous steps have helped you get in touch with yourself and what you’re ready for, so trust your gut and do what’s right for you in the moment.
Remember: Being afraid doesn’t make you inadequate.
I hope this gives you some tools and ideas for how to overcome fear. And remember, sometimes fear is much easier to understand than we think. It may not have anything to do with being useful or not. It may not even really be fear. Perhaps we’re just really uncomfortable with change. New things. New information. The unfamiliar and all that goes with it. Give yourself a break. You’re human. You have many valid emotions. The trick is to stop being so critical and start applying more compassion and kindness to all aspects of you. Now go put on some cute heels or a snappy fedora and dance with your dragon (I promise you won’t get burned).
Your turn: If you feel moved, share what this blog kicks up for you. Tell me in the comments, have you ever found a powerful message in fear?
Peace & tea leaves,
Thanks so much for the blog.Thanks Again. Really Cool.
Kris, I think this post is a perfect example of why so many of us LOVE you. Thanks for your love and cooperation with us.
Thank you, Kris! So much wisdom as always. I feel safer now. “Just uncomfortable with change,. New things.” New human being. I was so happy to become a mother, but was hit by the anxiety, fear of losing me precious baby and all that irrational feelings. Found my 5 years old memories of loneliness when my sister was born. And I lost attention of parents. And now this old trauma alive when I am busy with baby. I spoke to my fearful inner child and promised not to forget about her again and explained that my baby needs care. In such a way I would explain to my daughter with compassion and care. That all is well. There are such a kindergarten within me indeed. They just need to be raised with love.
Hi there, Aya. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy and you are so brilliant with your kindergarten inside. That is just a beautiful image and I love thinking of you taking care of your inner child. Anxiety is normal with change, as you’ve seen, but knowing yourself, loving yourself, and being kind to yourself will move mountains. We are so happy you know that and practice it. Xo from the whole team.
Thank you, Jennifer and Team for support! ? It is heartwarming, I needed that. I commented probably for the first time here and experienced the importance of community support. Kindly, Aya
Aya, that means so much to us. Thank you! Community is so important and we’re glad you’ve found us. ?
Dear Kris,
I Love you and your blogs so very much. I have read this article earlier as well and found myself easing out from the uncomfortable thoughts of fear and today as well this article has helped me affirming myself of few positive beliefs. Kris I cannot thank you enough as you have been my guide in so many things of my personal life.
Though your articles soothe my mind all the time yet I’m trying to discover ways to turn the negative talks inside my mind into positive affirmations. Also I would request you to write about how not be superstitious when negative thoughts surface up. These days what I have noticed is that my mind starts imagining of what could go wrong as soon as I hear any positive or happy news/event which is about to happen with me or my dear ones.
May you always be blessed with good health, long and love filled life dear Kris❤❤❤
Hey there, Ritu! This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. Thank you so much for your very kind comments. I’ve passed them onto Kris and the team, along with a request to write about not letting those negative comments take over. You’re not alone in worrying about those things. Here at Team Crazy Sexy, we love affirmations. I wonder if that would be helpful for you. Here’s a link for more info: 11 Affirmations to Lift Your Spirits and Elevate Your Energy, my favorite it “I am safe and secure.” Also, you might want to give tapping a go. It’s a wonderful way to break the patterns our minds create: What Is Tapping: Emotional Freedom Technique. I hope these are helpful, Ritu. Thank you again for your comments and for being here with us! Xo.
Thank you so much for this article Kriss.
I’m in my mid40s and just strating out with therapy and this need to ‘give myself a break, stop being so critical and start applying more companssion,’ you’ve hit the nail on the head. that’s what it’s all about.
I’m at the stage of acknowledging my fears… great tools share here.
Grateful to have read this
oh the fear and shame, I’ve just misspelt your name! Gosh. Breathe.
Hi Kris!
Oh man, I have been facing fear these past few months. Actually, I have been letting fear win a lot these past 3 years. I have varied interests. I attended photography school in Montana, I am a health coach with IIN, and a culinary nutrition expert. For the past 5 years I have had a daydream of having a flower farm so this week I started researching it a bit. I also love yoga. My day job is a recreational therapist. So, yeah, I like a lot of things! Haha!
Three years ago I ended a 6-year relationship, moved to a state I never wanted to live in again and started a new job. The first almost two years was rough. I didn’t deal with my emotions, I tried to stay busy, and I was forcing the idea of starting a photography business. I say forcing because it seemed like a lot of work because I was tired and drained. The combination of ignoring my heartbreak and the lack of confidence in my abilities took a toll. I knew I wanted to get back in touch with my intuition and start to be more kind to myself. Back in April I joined a run group, in May I started a medication practice (May Cause Miracles), and I FINALLY began to feel happy, energetic, and like myself. I hadn’t felt that way in a loooong time. I ended up meeting someone back in June. He is so great. I feel like the universe orchestrated our meeting somehow. I literally feel like he is the man I have desired and wrote about in my journal. He magically jumped off of the pages of my journal and into my life. But that’s a story for another day.
I put off figuring out my life path once I started dating him. I was planning on moving to a new state but there was something about this guy that made me think twice about that. Also, it was scary to finally make a decision. It’s 6 months later and it’s time to make a decision. Will I start a photography business? Wellness? Or a flower farm? OR somehow combine them all into a flower farm wellness retreat? I am not sure. I will say, being in this relationship is great and scary. I am not used to someone believing in me and honestly seeing something more in me than I have yet to see myself. He is encouraging, but it is scary because it’s all the things that sounds scary or like it’s too much money to start. I even toyed with the idea of teaching yoga to children, teens, and possibly getting training for yoga for people with special needs.
Whew! That was a long reply, but that is what was brought up for me. It’s time to make a decision and just go for it. Thank you for your article. All I know to do now moving forward is to breath, keep taking care of myself, journal, practice getting in tune with my intuition (I’ll take any suggestions for that), and continue to talk about the possibilities with my partner.
I hope you are having a great week.
Andi
Hey Andi! This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I just wanted to give you a big round of applause for being so brave, so smart and giving so much to life. You got this! While you may not be 100% certain on your upcoming steps, you’ve got great direction and instincts. Listen to your intuition (more on that here as requested). We can’t wait to hear what’s next for Andi. Xo from the whole team!
Telling Brian to “ask his new lover” made me laugh out loud, as I’ve totally been there. I found out while I was on round 2 of chemotherapy that my husband had started smoking again, by finding a text from a female colleague asking him if he was keen for a ciggie break. By the time it came pouring out of me (to my Mum!), in my mind I had them married off, which would be best for everyone as I’d like to get to know the woman who would be raising my children when I die. I’m not terminal, but there was obviously some serious underlying stress there which all came pouring out. For my husband too, hence picking up his nasty stress release habit again!
Love this, Kris. Don’t stop giving us YOU! You have a way of putting things that is so real, honest, humble and oh, so funny! I giggled a few times reading this post. You make us in “I don’t want this disease land” feel like we aren’t alone. Bless you, Kris. Bless you.
Hey Marie! This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. A big XO from Kris and the whole team! She loves hearing these wonderful things and I’ve passed your comment right along to her. Isn’t it nice to learn something really helpful while also getting a good giggle out of it? So happy you’re here. 🙂
Those are great 9 ideas to let go of fear. I have used some over the years. Thank-you 4 pointing them out to my brain again. Nice refresher reminder. I wonder if the same techniques would work on anger?
Hey Beverley! This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. That’s a great point about anger. I might just give it a try. Thanks!
I am 47, just turned 47 two days ago, I am happily married with three kids, a freshman in college, a sophomore in high school and a 6th grader. I was diagnosed2 years and 3 months ago with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I was doing pretty well and life was still pretty normal in our house but now the cancer is spreading and I’m in a Phase 1B clinical trial. My fears now are overwhelming and my daughter, who is in college, is stressed about work at school and missing home and me and has her own very real anxiety. How do I help she and myself and the rest of my family? I am really struggling with my own fear and I am the only person my daughter talks to about my me.
Hi Stacy. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I am so sorry to hear all that you are going through. It’s hard to support yourself and those around you when you’re scared and overwhelmed; I’m glad you’re in such a supportive community here with Kris. I wonder if you or your daughter would benefit from professional help? We all need help sometimes, that’s for sure. Psychology Today has a great “find a therapist” option which will allow you to do some research and find someone that works for you. Also keep in mind that self-care is so important, and you are worth the time. In the meantime, hopefully Kris’s tips on working with fear can help. Also, keep in mind Kris has Inner Circle Wellness (membership) that is filled with loving and supportive people – some are going through what you’re dealing with which might help with your fears.
The whole team is sending you so much love and healing energy, Stacy.
You are right, Kris! We should not keep our fears to ourselves and try to go it alone. People often see the strong me, who has it all together. They don’t see me when I’m worried about my next CT scan, concerned about which direction this cancer is going in (it’s been stable since August 2018). But I deal with it positively and when I see my oncologist for the results I always have a smile on my face. By that time I have been able to conquer whatever is coming next! You made me laugh when you mentioned Brian! I would be having those thoughts about my husband too!
Hey Sophie! This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy and we’re loving your positivity! You are impressive and such an inspiration. Thank you!
You are right, Kris! We should not keep our fears to ourselves and try to go it alone. People often see the strong me, who has it all together. They don’t see me when I’m worried about my next CT scan, concerned about which direction this cancer is going in (it’s been stable since August 2018). But I deal with it positively and when I see my oncologist for the results I always have a smile on me face. By that time I have been able to conquer whatever is coming next! You made me laugh when you mentioned Brian! I would be having those thoughts about my husband too!
Oh Kris,
Always at the right time, my friend. I have impending scans in two weeks and all I can think of is who will take care of my dog if I die. It’s insane the fantasies that fear will create if you let it. It’s destructive and it brings me down. I’m sure it’s not beneficial for my health either.
This journey can be so trying and difficult, it’s nice to know you’re not alone, generally speaking.
The last scope I had, you posted your good news health update right before I went under anesthesia and it gave me peace.
Cheers!
You’re definitely not alone, Misty. I am sending so much healing energy to you, sweetheart. Xo.
Dear Kriss, love your blog about fear. I also do a lot what you recommend. One more thing I do is talking to my fear. It sounds someway odd, but it really works. I will get myself in a meditative state and say something like “Hey fear, what´s up? What are you trying to tell me? Is there anything I have overseen and have to work on?” Deep inside I almost get everytime an answer to these questions. And I find it helpful to ask whether my fear is true or false, like in your case with the hot 20-year old (lol). All the best from Germany, Diana
What a beautiful practice, Diana. Xo to you in Germany!
Wow! You really know your stuff!
I say to myself, a variation of this quote that is out there (don’t know the originator):
I will not talk to God about how large my fears are. I will talk to fear about how large my God is.
I have an oncology appointment looming around the corner. This was perfect timing for me! Thanks
Kris – I’ve been following you for years and it’s weird. This past week or two, I keep stumbling onto your videos and blogs that are addressing just the thing I’m struggling with. This one really helps a lot. Fear is the one thing that keeps having power over me. These are really good suggestions that I will definitely try. Thanks for doing what you do. You are truly an inspiration.
Great post!!! I like the listening to fear part and the acceptance. We all know that avoidance just makes fear worse.
Thank you Kris! I loved this post as well, just the way I love all of them! I love your humor and the way you talk to people! Oh fear is a big fella, who calls my name a couple times! I always try not to let go my fantasy about what’s the worst thing that can happen, but sometimes it drags me to the deep anyway! Other times, it is a perfect compass, showing which way to go to, and most of the time if I beat my fear and I go towards it, it works and something much better comes out of it!