Hiya Gorgeous,
Oh, it’s you again. Hello, fear.
Whether you’re fearful of getting sick, you’re currently dealing with a health issue, or you’re scared and struggling in other areas of your life, I want you to know that you’re in good company.
I also want you to know that learning how to overcome fear IS possible. And that doesn’t mean burning it to the ground every time it rears its ugly head. Sometimes it’s as simple as working WITH your fear rather than against it. Because fear contains powerful messages. When we’re courageous enough to be with what scares us, we can awaken our intuition and create a new path for healing.
Don’t judge your fears, invite them to tea!
It’s common to belittle our fears and try to prematurely cleanse them away. But just because we’re afraid, doesn’t mean we’re toxic or failing or falling off the spiritual wagon. Fear is one of the many colors in our emotional palette, and it’s often there for a reason. There’s nothing weak or less evolved about being frightened. And like I said, you’re not alone. We’re all scared. No one is fearless.
Anyone who lives with cancer (myself included), will tell you that figuring out how to overcome fear is an ever-evolving practice. Sometimes the shifts happen quite easily, other times our fears refuse to be rushed (and they really hate being trivialized). It took me years to have a realistic perspective about my own health terrors. And let me be honest, I’m still working on it. Though I had the same information that I have now, time and experience have had a tremendous impact on how I work with my fears.
Fear is normal and, to a certain extent, it’s important.
We can thank fear when it makes us get a lump checked or tells us not to walk alone down that dark alley. We can have gratitude for fear when it shakes us awake or jolts us from complacency.
But while fear can play a very valuable role in igniting action, we can’t let it run our lives—especially if our fears are totally unfounded or irrational. Once we receive the message (the aha!), we need to disable the fear alarm, turn it off, cool it down. Because no one can thrive in a constant state of panic—our bodies aren’t built for that (and neither are our spirits).
So, how do you get what you need from fear without letting it pull you under? Here are some of my go-to methods…
How to Overcome Fear: 9 Simple Tips to Set You Free from What Scares You
1. Bring yourself back to the present moment.
The here. The now. The pillow under your butt. The ground under your feet. The real reality. Unplug the movie in your mind and pet your dog. That’s real. That’s what’s really happening.
2. Open your heart.
You know those fluttering feelings in your belly? Instead of getting hysterical, just sit with them. Breathe through them. Deeply. Slowly. Continually. Have the guts to stay there longer than you’d like. If sadness comes up, let it be there. If anger comes up, that’s ok too. Tears will probably follow. This is the ripest place. This is real and raw and wonderful. Congratulations! You’re licking through your own noise to get to the Tootsie Roll at the center of the spiritual lollipop!
3. Listen.
Once you’ve made contact with what’s coming up for you, ask fear what it’s trying to say. Request that it communicate in a calm, coherent way. Don’t rush it. (Unless, of course, Freddy Krueger hops out from behind the next tree, in which case you should save the analysis for later and run very fast!) But if the monsters are only in your very colorful imagination, have some R.E.S.P.E.C.T., mind your manners and don’t interrupt. Let fear speak.
4. Do an intuition gut check.
Make a determination about whether your fear is constructive or destructive. Journaling can be a really helpful way to get clarity on this. If you agree with the fear, begin to explore how you can make a healthy shift. If you don’t agree, you can simply decline the opportunity to react. Instead of indulging yourself and peeing in your new pants, soothe your thoughts like you would soothe a nervous 5-year-old. Hint: If you’re having a hard time determining what’s constructive versus destructive, a good therapist can help you with this. Mine sure helps me!
5. Identify fear fantasies.
Fantasy and imagination are our most powerful, creative resources. It might make you relax a bit to realize that fear is actually creative. What?! Think about it. What’s more creative than writing elaborate stories all day?
To give you an example of how fear fantasies can spiral out of control, let’s take a quick tour down one of my irrational fear rabbit holes: An impending doctor appointment. All I could think of was how my disease had progressed and that I’d like to invite you all to my funeral. What kind of food should be served? Should there be a DJ? No, that’s not serious enough. Who should get my good jewelry? My mom and my sister. Will Brian remember to feed Lola and Tara? And Brian is so lonely. I love Brian, and I miss him. Maybe he should start dating again. But not someone younger than me. OH MY GOD, Brian is dating a hot 20-year-old! I hate Brian.
When I’m able to grab myself out of those loops, I usually have a good ole laugh, acknowledge the underlying anxiety, and head to Target for some trash mags or watch a great movie (while holding Brian’s hand). However, if I’m unable to see my fantasy for what it really is (stress), then the next time Brian asks where the almond butter is, I’ll tell him to ask his new lover!
The key, of course, is to flip fear on its head by choosing a more positive story. Think you’re not experienced/good/young/smart/fit/well/whatever enough? Think again. You’re all that and more, dear one.
Are fear fantasies holding you back from sharing your big ideas with the world?
We often tell ourselves that we have to have it all figured out before we begin, and that if we don’t, we’ll fail. But being prepared doesn’t stop the unexpected from happening, and mistakes are inevitable in business! That’s why you need simple, reliable tools for navigating the tough stuff and protecting yourself from burnout while you’re at it.
My free ebook, How to Build Your Business without Burning Out: 10 Keys for Avoiding the Mistakes Most Entrepreneurs Make, includes 10 proven systems and strategies for overcoming the mistakes most entrepreneurs make so you can start or grow the profitable business of your dreams. Ready to vanquish your fears, together?
6. Move.
Another way to gain clarity is to get back into your body through movement. Activating our bodies changes our perspectives. A walk, a run, a bike ride or some inversions (they really help!)—whatever it takes to snap out of the fear feedback loop.
7. Lean on your inner circle.
You don’t need a huge crew—just a couple of true blue buds you can always count on. Many of us feel embarrassed and ashamed of our fears. We’ve been conditioned to believe that fear makes us weak. “Grow up. Man up. It’s not cool to be scared. Don’t be such a cry baby.” But stored up fears never make us stronger. Quite the opposite, in fact. Stored up fears break us (emotionally and physically).
If you want to set a powerful example for yourself and others, give your fear a voice. Talk it out. Call a friend. Chat with the friend within. Book a session with that good therapist. Pray. Find a community you can count on, like Inner Circle Wellness. One of the reasons I built this membership community was to give you a space where you feel safe, loved and supported through whatever life throws at you—I hope you’ll consider joining us.
Whatever you do, don’t feel like you need to tend to your fears alone. Ask for support. It’s all around you.
8. Let love rule.
Love is greater than fear. And love is everywhere, always. Love is the glue that holds the infinite together. Fear is a tiny drop of water compared to the ocean that is love. If you’ve ever practiced EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), you know that love and acceptance are great tools for calming your nervous system. I’ve used this statement (affirmation) many times in my own EFT practice: “Even though I’m really scared, I love and accept myself anyway.” Boom. Stress reduction.
9. Choose the next right action.
Now it’s time to make a move. It can be a baby step that simply lifts you out of that fearful space. Or it can be a leap right into the thing that scares you. All of the previous steps have helped you get in touch with yourself and what you’re ready for, so trust your gut and do what’s right for you in the moment.
Remember: Being afraid doesn’t make you inadequate.
I hope this gives you some tools and ideas for how to overcome fear. And remember, sometimes fear is much easier to understand than we think. It may not have anything to do with being useful or not. It may not even really be fear. Perhaps we’re just really uncomfortable with change. New things. New information. The unfamiliar and all that goes with it. Give yourself a break. You’re human. You have many valid emotions. The trick is to stop being so critical and start applying more compassion and kindness to all aspects of you. Now go put on some cute heels or a snappy fedora and dance with your dragon (I promise you won’t get burned).
Your turn: If you feel moved, share what this blog kicks up for you. Tell me in the comments, have you ever found a powerful message in fear?
Peace & tea leaves,
hello Kris!
thanks a million for this article about fears!!! It has helped me a lot!! i have big fears myself, but reading you and especially your mantra « I’m really scared, but I love and accept me anyway” , gave me confidence and cut down my stress immediately! you’ve been very helpful, I send you big kisses from France!! (that’s how we end a mail in my country)
See you tomorrow on Facebook or on your blog,, have a good night!
isabelle
This is a really wonderful article. Fear is such an old friend of mine: a friend I’d love to boot out the door. Here’s my question…I’m familiar with EFT, but how do you practice it in public during the moments when Fear has a strangle hold? Any Tappers out there?
I am so glad that I read this today. I am really trying to focus on WHAT it is that I am supposed to be doing in my life right now. I have a really stressful design job, but all I can think about every day is WELLNESS. I want to be well. And I want others to be well. But I’m not a wellness practitioner…
I am a natural networker. One of my favorite things to do is to connect people who need something with the person/place/thing/idea they need to get them where they need to go. My fear right now is – how do I package and monetize my gifts into something that can be useful to others? How do I turn my strengths into a career that will allow me to gleefully run out of this soul-sucking job and NEVER LOOK BACK?
I need to focus on love and unleashing my passion and power.
I can’t listen to my fear telling me “You might fail…”
I have no other choice but to succeed.
Kris,
You are in the process of saving my life! Emotionally, physically, mentally all of it. All day I have been feeling scared. I don’t know why but I have been developing fears of things that I have never been afraid of before, and I feel like I am running out of time to accomplish all of my (quite large) dreams, and for no reason at all. I am fine, I should feel that way, and instead I feel scared. Reading this post really opened my eyes to how I can kick fear in the face and just use it to motivate me to be stronger and more grateful instead of overwhelmed with anxiety. Thank you a million times, I can breathe easier now!
Hello Kris!
I cherish your blog so very much and learn and get inspired from you every day….
As a cancer survivor, I understand fear firsthand. I too have been learning how to make fear my friend.
I also help people as a therapist to take fear by the hand, learn to work creatively together, instead of turning away from fear.
you can read my article and more about me at
thttp://opentherapy.se/?m=201306
Wow! What a great sense of humor! Thanks for this fun read and the honest truth that we can’t let the “what ifs” take over for us. Thanks again.
I don’t know if I ever found a message in my fear. All I know is that it sometimes grabs me and squeezes so hard. I am afraid to give my cancer any respect and I am afraid not too. This month is difficult because it is like you can never get away from your Cancer. I have Stage IV Breast Cancer. I am on Femera, but it doesn’t seem like it is working. I will go back to my oncologist on Monday to decide what’s next.
I love your books and your encouragements. They really help. You are adorable. Thank you.
Thank you, Kris. Your first paragraph especially helped me: “Fear contains powerful messages…” We are so afraid to listen, and I appreciate your reminder to listen, then calm the fear and ourselves.
Thank you Kris! After hearing two days ago that my #s were climbing, now scheduling new tests, waiting for results, this is just what I needed to deal with the fear. I will practice your advise.
I love the way you write and explain things, Kris. It’s so colorful and fun to read and relate to. Your writing and perspective makes life fun, even the hard times. Thank you! You are now a favorite of mine 🙂
Thank you Kris for this great post. Love and light your way all the way from Australia xx
Kris, thanks for another insightful post, one which is very timely for me. Fear hit me over the head recently, and I was temporarily down for the count. Fortunately, I was able to get back up, and now you’ve given me an additional way to confront my fears and really get to the root of the issue. Thank you.
P.S. I hope your tour will include a stop in Atlanta!!
I am working through Gabrielle bernstein’s may cause miracles, so this post was a lovely way to start Monday morning.
I am trying to work through fears of not being enough manifested through personal judgement.
And I love that you pointed out that sometimes if you just acknowledge the fear and say to yourself, I accept and love myself anyway is seriously powerful.
Thanks for this spiritual boost to my Sunday! Have a great day!
Hi Kris, thank you for an inspiring article. For me, fear is something I now love. We are best of friends and because of that it no longer limits me. When I am fearful I look in staright in the eye and acknwledge it is there. I don’t try to change it, I just accept it for what it is, and then the magic happens. jill
I am struggling with Bulimia at the moment. Before Bulimia, it was anorexia. I am 36, and this has been going on since I was 18. I am scared that some grave illness will come rat-a-tat-tatting at my life door the day I heal…I try to practice gratitude. I try to savor the present. I sometimes am able to conquer bulimia..but on minimum wage and no health insurance, there is only so much I can do.
We are love. We are part of the same divine life force. We’re all connected. The ephemeral nature of life makes it beautiful..but it also makes it so darn difficult to breathe and let “it” go…”it”= all of what we hang on to….
Fear consumes me and stops me from being “me”….
Such an awesome post, Kris. Thank you.
One of my favorite quotes in the bible is “perfect love drives out fear.” I love how active that phrase is. It makes me feel validated, strengthened, protected. And I’ll take all of those when I start spiraling into a “fear story!”
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed today. I was spiraling down the fear tunnel and you helpede take a breath.
Hugs,
April
I love that you often promote finding a good therapist! As a therapist I have seen so many people learn to accept their emotions and process them in a healthy way – instead of stuffing them with food/tv/alcohol/drugs etc. Emotions are natural and by turning towards them they are much easier to experience.
Thank you for all you do!
Charlene
Hi Kris,
Just felt compelled to reach out to you to tell you that my 16-month old daughter is fascinated with your book. (couldn’t find another appropriate space to send you this) She keeps asking me to take it off the kitchen shelf and studies yours and Chad’s picture carefully, and the pictures in the book… I’d love to know what is going on in her head, but I am pretty sure she is reacting to the good energy emanating from your work… Just thought you’d appreciate it… Thanks for all the great work you are doing!
Thanks so cool Sue, thanks for sharing! Made me smile. 🙂
wow! this is so timely and needed, for sure. this has been one of the most unsettling weeks that I have had in a very long time. I recogonize that the challenges I have right now certainly would be a luxury for folks who are battling illness. so, if your reading this please know that I know these aren’t major challenges. however, they are still stressful. to give you an idea- the last 5 days I have; moved (well, in the process of moving) started grad school, have a new workmate, leaving for a business trip, 3 key projects at work and continuing the approval process for a procedure that will hopefully improve my severe asthma. phew. that’s alot, sorry! geez- the point of this is- this reminder and information to take a deep breath, ask for help and get movin’ is so wonderful. thank you, kris! smiles to you all:)