Hiya Gorgeous,
Oh, it’s you again. Hello, fear.
Whether you’re fearful of getting sick, you’re currently dealing with a health issue, or you’re scared and struggling in other areas of your life, I want you to know that you’re in good company.
I also want you to know that learning how to overcome fear IS possible. And that doesn’t mean burning it to the ground every time it rears its ugly head. Sometimes it’s as simple as working WITH your fear rather than against it. Because fear contains powerful messages. When we’re courageous enough to be with what scares us, we can awaken our intuition and create a new path for healing.
Don’t judge your fears, invite them to tea!
It’s common to belittle our fears and try to prematurely cleanse them away. But just because we’re afraid, doesn’t mean we’re toxic or failing or falling off the spiritual wagon. Fear is one of the many colors in our emotional palette, and it’s often there for a reason. There’s nothing weak or less evolved about being frightened. And like I said, you’re not alone. We’re all scared. No one is fearless.
Anyone who lives with cancer (myself included), will tell you that figuring out how to overcome fear is an ever-evolving practice. Sometimes the shifts happen quite easily, other times our fears refuse to be rushed (and they really hate being trivialized). It took me years to have a realistic perspective about my own health terrors. And let me be honest, I’m still working on it. Though I had the same information that I have now, time and experience have had a tremendous impact on how I work with my fears.
Fear is normal and, to a certain extent, it’s important.
We can thank fear when it makes us get a lump checked or tells us not to walk alone down that dark alley. We can have gratitude for fear when it shakes us awake or jolts us from complacency.
But while fear can play a very valuable role in igniting action, we can’t let it run our lives—especially if our fears are totally unfounded or irrational. Once we receive the message (the aha!), we need to disable the fear alarm, turn it off, cool it down. Because no one can thrive in a constant state of panic—our bodies aren’t built for that (and neither are our spirits).
So, how do you get what you need from fear without letting it pull you under? Here are some of my go-to methods…
How to Overcome Fear: 9 Simple Tips to Set You Free from What Scares You
1. Bring yourself back to the present moment.
The here. The now. The pillow under your butt. The ground under your feet. The real reality. Unplug the movie in your mind and pet your dog. That’s real. That’s what’s really happening.
2. Open your heart.
You know those fluttering feelings in your belly? Instead of getting hysterical, just sit with them. Breathe through them. Deeply. Slowly. Continually. Have the guts to stay there longer than you’d like. If sadness comes up, let it be there. If anger comes up, that’s ok too. Tears will probably follow. This is the ripest place. This is real and raw and wonderful. Congratulations! You’re licking through your own noise to get to the Tootsie Roll at the center of the spiritual lollipop!
3. Listen.
Once you’ve made contact with what’s coming up for you, ask fear what it’s trying to say. Request that it communicate in a calm, coherent way. Don’t rush it. (Unless, of course, Freddy Krueger hops out from behind the next tree, in which case you should save the analysis for later and run very fast!) But if the monsters are only in your very colorful imagination, have some R.E.S.P.E.C.T., mind your manners and don’t interrupt. Let fear speak.
4. Do an intuition gut check.
Make a determination about whether your fear is constructive or destructive. Journaling can be a really helpful way to get clarity on this. If you agree with the fear, begin to explore how you can make a healthy shift. If you don’t agree, you can simply decline the opportunity to react. Instead of indulging yourself and peeing in your new pants, soothe your thoughts like you would soothe a nervous 5-year-old. Hint: If you’re having a hard time determining what’s constructive versus destructive, a good therapist can help you with this. Mine sure helps me!
5. Identify fear fantasies.
Fantasy and imagination are our most powerful, creative resources. It might make you relax a bit to realize that fear is actually creative. What?! Think about it. What’s more creative than writing elaborate stories all day?
To give you an example of how fear fantasies can spiral out of control, let’s take a quick tour down one of my irrational fear rabbit holes: An impending doctor appointment. All I could think of was how my disease had progressed and that I’d like to invite you all to my funeral. What kind of food should be served? Should there be a DJ? No, that’s not serious enough. Who should get my good jewelry? My mom and my sister. Will Brian remember to feed Lola and Tara? And Brian is so lonely. I love Brian, and I miss him. Maybe he should start dating again. But not someone younger than me. OH MY GOD, Brian is dating a hot 20-year-old! I hate Brian.
When I’m able to grab myself out of those loops, I usually have a good ole laugh, acknowledge the underlying anxiety, and head to Target for some trash mags or watch a great movie (while holding Brian’s hand). However, if I’m unable to see my fantasy for what it really is (stress), then the next time Brian asks where the almond butter is, I’ll tell him to ask his new lover!
The key, of course, is to flip fear on its head by choosing a more positive story. Think you’re not experienced/good/young/smart/fit/well/whatever enough? Think again. You’re all that and more, dear one.
Are fear fantasies holding you back from sharing your big ideas with the world?
We often tell ourselves that we have to have it all figured out before we begin, and that if we don’t, we’ll fail. But being prepared doesn’t stop the unexpected from happening, and mistakes are inevitable in business! That’s why you need simple, reliable tools for navigating the tough stuff and protecting yourself from burnout while you’re at it.
My free ebook, How to Build Your Business without Burning Out: 10 Keys for Avoiding the Mistakes Most Entrepreneurs Make, includes 10 proven systems and strategies for overcoming the mistakes most entrepreneurs make so you can start or grow the profitable business of your dreams. Ready to vanquish your fears, together?
6. Move.
Another way to gain clarity is to get back into your body through movement. Activating our bodies changes our perspectives. A walk, a run, a bike ride or some inversions (they really help!)—whatever it takes to snap out of the fear feedback loop.
7. Lean on your inner circle.
You don’t need a huge crew—just a couple of true blue buds you can always count on. Many of us feel embarrassed and ashamed of our fears. We’ve been conditioned to believe that fear makes us weak. “Grow up. Man up. It’s not cool to be scared. Don’t be such a cry baby.” But stored up fears never make us stronger. Quite the opposite, in fact. Stored up fears break us (emotionally and physically).
If you want to set a powerful example for yourself and others, give your fear a voice. Talk it out. Call a friend. Chat with the friend within. Book a session with that good therapist. Pray. Find a community you can count on, like Inner Circle Wellness. One of the reasons I built this membership community was to give you a space where you feel safe, loved and supported through whatever life throws at you—I hope you’ll consider joining us.
Whatever you do, don’t feel like you need to tend to your fears alone. Ask for support. It’s all around you.
8. Let love rule.
Love is greater than fear. And love is everywhere, always. Love is the glue that holds the infinite together. Fear is a tiny drop of water compared to the ocean that is love. If you’ve ever practiced EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), you know that love and acceptance are great tools for calming your nervous system. I’ve used this statement (affirmation) many times in my own EFT practice: “Even though I’m really scared, I love and accept myself anyway.” Boom. Stress reduction.
9. Choose the next right action.
Now it’s time to make a move. It can be a baby step that simply lifts you out of that fearful space. Or it can be a leap right into the thing that scares you. All of the previous steps have helped you get in touch with yourself and what you’re ready for, so trust your gut and do what’s right for you in the moment.
Remember: Being afraid doesn’t make you inadequate.
I hope this gives you some tools and ideas for how to overcome fear. And remember, sometimes fear is much easier to understand than we think. It may not have anything to do with being useful or not. It may not even really be fear. Perhaps we’re just really uncomfortable with change. New things. New information. The unfamiliar and all that goes with it. Give yourself a break. You’re human. You have many valid emotions. The trick is to stop being so critical and start applying more compassion and kindness to all aspects of you. Now go put on some cute heels or a snappy fedora and dance with your dragon (I promise you won’t get burned).
Your turn: If you feel moved, share what this blog kicks up for you. Tell me in the comments, have you ever found a powerful message in fear?
Peace & tea leaves,
Hi Kris – Your irrational-rabbit-hole conversation made me belly laugh – lovely way to start a Monday! I saw myself and I’m guessing many others, but we don’t voice it out loud. So thank you for your honesty (I’m still chuckling).
I too find powerful msgs in fear; it’s usually about emotions from past experiences that I’ve long since reconciled, that aren’t true in the current context of my life. When these rabbit-hole-wanderings rise up, I do the kindergarten thing: “Stop, Look, and Listen before you cross the street.” And I recognize both then (past) and now (current me) I CREATE my life as exactly what I need it to be…then I Smile and choose/create a new script.
Lauren Gorgo sums it up beautifully: “The ability to consciously and quickly choose Love over fear in all ways”.
Thanks for this most vivid analysis of how to deal with fear. I have experienced some of these techniques myself and got insight into some others. I am living with the strong possibility of recurring ovarian cancer having been originally diagnosed in October 2011. However, I have managed to put that fear under control by facing that possibility, facing the worst case scenario – death and then moving beyond it. I have taken a very proactive stance to empower myself by nourishing my mind, body and spirit. Like you, I’ve found very healthy ways to eat. In addition, I am very proactive about enjoying my life by filling it with as many fun things to do including laughing as much as possible. I have strengthened my faith which gives me the courage to keep those other aspects of my life strengthened. I am a deep believer that cancer has to be dealt with holistically. In fact, we should all live our lives holistically, cancer or not. I recall my deep feelings of fear when it was thought I might have breast cancer and a permanent limp in my leg not long after completing chemo for my ovarian cancer. I remember applying the techniques of self-love, relaxation, and letting go and letting God take control. Once I did that, the fear subsided. Shortly after that my breast biopsy proved negative and the limp in my leg completely vanished (turned out to be a case of bursitis in my hip). My fear had convinced me the limp was the result of damage done to my body by chemo.
My goal in life now is to help others overcome the fears that such illnesses can bring and live a life of joy. Joy doesn’t necessarily mean being 100% happy all the time because as you so eloquently and humorously stated, fear can still creep into our minds. However, once you find inner joy, the fear never maintains a permanent foothold.
Thank you so much for this article!
Kathy Daniels
Hi Kathy,
I just posted a comment and then read yours…. It seems we are living parallel
lives with similar diagnosis since October 2011. Would love to talk or email with you sometime. My email is kecctusa@aol. Com. Please feel free to contact me.
Kathi McCann
Thank you Kris for your wonderful messages; they alway seem to be delievered when I need them the most. I have been battling with my fear of the “real world job” for the last year since graduating from college. I have a full-time temporary position but I have been looking for other permanet jobs for about 9 months. I have applied everywhere. I have volunteered constantly. I have just been trying to find SOMETHING. In a recent session of hashing with a friend I decided my biggest fear was that I haven’t been deciding my life and I feel trapped by the 8-5 day. This schedule is wearing and tearing on me and my personal life. I have to keep a job to pay for rent, food, etc., but I am lost as to what comes after this. I feel that going back to school to earn a higher degree is the next option for me. Thank you for listening and any advice is greatly appreciated 🙂
This is really key Kris- thanks so much for pointing it out. Several years ago, after a shocking cancer diagnosis in the same week as my husband declaring he was no longer interested in that position, I felt a terror unlike any previous experience-( akin to an imagined free-falling through dark space with its infinite vastness ) But at some point, I found myself just giving up and being with the fear-allowing it to ‘have me’ ? Like the boogeyman, when I finally found the courage to turn and face him, he shrunk, lost all stature and power-and somehow I survived!
Something that helped me greatly at that time- and still does today- is Rumi’s poem, The Guesthouse. He beautifully and succinctly puts it all in perspective. Perhaps mentioning that poem could help others too-
Thanks for all you do, Kris
xo Melinda
Thank you for extending the courage to face fear head on. What I fear lately is that after leaving a 17 yr marriage 4 years ago (which started as a rela when i was 17… so a 25 year connection) I will never find the love of my life again…but after reading your piece I realized I lived an extraordinarily blessed life (fabulous children, great job, delicious friends….). I received from your blog today that I need to be mindful that i am extremely blessed that I don’t need to face “real” fears like a cancer diagnosis or recurrence. You have placed my thought patterns into perspective and i plan to invite fear to tea (love it!) and then go on with a truly grateful heart. The right things have always happened at the proper times in my life and i have to believe this love piece will too.
Wishing you lots of health, hand holding and puppy love.
Cathy, you might be surprised. True love will find you again, when you’re ready.
Thank you so much for this Kris. I cannot tell you how much this post really spoke to me and I am going to work towards not slipping down the rabbit holes as much. Please keep sharing and writing – your words are a panacea in this crazy sexy life we lead!
Thank you Kris for another wonderful article! Another way I use fear is as a barometer for something great. Instead of panicking thinking that something is horrible – I tell myself “oooooh you’re scared, this means that something really great is about to happen.” This calms me down and allows me to feel the butterflies as you mentioned. When I do this I am able to see solutions much faster than when I am in panic mode.
Oooh! Karlyn, YES. YES YES YES. Such a good point and so true. Thank you for THAT. 🙂
Just what I needed to hear today! You hit the nail on its head with this perspective on fear and the brilliant strategies for working through it. I’m so grateful for your work.
Kris, I think this post is a perfect example of why so many of us LOVE you. You’re not afraid to tell the truth (or maybe you are and do it anyway) and you deliver your insight in a funny, human, and loving way…go dancing with the dragon…I love that. I tell a similar story and call it…dancing with chaos. Either way, we’re dancing with it and that’s what get’s us through.
Thanks, Kris. I’m heading in for major surgery this morning and have been scared to tears about it. I’m grateful to know, myself, that it’s OK to be scared, but I’ve been uncomfortable about displaying my fear in front of my boyfriend—it makes him uncomfortable, kicks up his stuff. (He’s been a champ, most of the time, btw) Oh, it’s a tricky mix. But I LOVE what you wrote: Love is the glue that holds infinity together. We’re all doing our best.
Thanks.
Sending you my love and prayers Cris. All that matters today is…you. xo
Thanks Kris. So hit the spot this am.
I have a chronic, undiagnosed lung disorder and when things flare-up I feel like I’m drowning. I did some Theta healing and have relaxed into the fear. It was an amazing process that has helped me tremendously!
In the session, it came down to “what is the worst that will happen? I will die. What happens when you die? I’m at peace.” My fear of dying was put to rest which allowed me to live….
Finding the messages in your fear is an absolute key to NOT let the fearful Goblins run your life and your decision making.
We wouldn’t want “craziness” to have a say on your future right?
Doing an intuition gut check while in fear is very challenging and will almost always give you an innacurate reading. In those intense moments I don’t try to get the answers on my own, I call in a faitful (yet neutral) guide like a coach or a trusted ally. There is something to be said for the magic of a safe and sacred space being held for you to help shift out of fear and back into full alignment with your inner wisdom.
Thanks for the brilliant reminder that noticing the “rabbit holes” and backing away from the edge is possible …. and while living life with all of our conditioning and personality quirks those pesky rabbit holes do pop up!! I sometimes forget how normal that is … xo
Wow, that’s a wonderful description of the many facets of fear and the healthful ways to deal with it, without being “preachy” or “lecture-y”. I’m moved by the way you describe letting fear flow in, be there, and flow out as you experience it as part of the palette of life, and learn from it and even grow. “…mind your manners, don’t interrupt it” (Love that!). I also appreciate your word picture of how fears can take you from a rational doctor’s appointment fear, to: you passed away, a dead Lola, and a hated Brian dating a 20-year old! So funny, yet so relate-able. Beautiful piece. Yep, I think I can see some beauty in fear. Thanks bunches!
Thanks Kris!
I know I sometimes look up a symptom on webmd (biggest mistake ever!) and get struck with the fear that I’m going to die within the year, but I’m getting better at staying in the moment and finding blessings. Thank you so much for all that you do, Kris. You’re such a sparkly unicorn 🙂
xoxo, Stacy
Kris, this piece really moved me. I am always living in fear of getting cancer (my mom died from it), and I am always at the doctor freaking out about this or that. This amazing piece has given me some perspective and really spoke to me. Thank you! Love your blog. Ashleigh xx
Ashleigh, so good to see Kris’s words help you get rid of your fear of getting cancer. When I read your note, I thought of Anita Moorjani (check out her story) who says a big part of her getting cancer was caused by her fear of getting sick. Blessings to you and to Kris for an awesome post.
Bless you for this, sweetie. I’ve been dealing with MS (all naturally) for over 2 years now and our whole family is still healing from the many unfortunate ways we dealt with the fear initially. It was my first experience of watching my loved ones lose it and reassuring them when I didn’t have a clue if it would be okay. To top it off, we lost our beloved fur baby 2 months ago. Tara was my therapy dog; my unconditional love and light in the darkness and losing her shattered me – but as I sit here cuddling with our 4-yr.-old boy and listening to the rain drops outside, feeling the warmth of his little hand, the crunch of his cereal and the softness of the blanket stretched between us, I’m able to connect with the tiny details of life. All of this has taught me to live in the now and not miss a thing!
Big HUGS honey. You’re so lovely and I appreciate all that you do for us 🙂
Big healing & loving light to you and your family Heather.
I feel you for the MS (a close friend of mine is diagnosed, it’s tough), and I feel you for losing your furry friend (snif).
Warm hugs,
XO
Caroline
Thank-you, Caroline. I truly appreciate your kind reply. Bless you, hon.
Hi Heather,
I just watched this video on MS from vegan advocate Dr. Michael Greger of NutritionFacts.org & recalled your MS comment that I read yesterday. Thought I should share it with you just in case it may help you somehow.
http://nutritionfacts.org/video/treating-multiple-sclerosis-with-the-swank-ms-diet/
My heart-felt condolences regarding the loss of your beloved dog.
Thank-you, KLML. That was so kind of you to share this. I have been dairy-free since my diagnosis and largely low-fat raw vegan for a year now. The discoveries of Dr. Roy Swank, Dr. George Jelinek and Dr. Terry Wahls have been my touchstones throughout this journey and it is incredibly encouraging to see those in the medical field supporting their work. Ann Sawyer and Judith Bachrach’s book also helped me realize why other seemingly innocent foods were causing my symptoms to flare.
I am not symptom-free and from time to time have to tango with that fear of the future, but my personal approach to any medical issue is this: If any ONE person has beat the condition – that proves recovery is possible. I am determined to reverse MS nutritionally no matter how long it takes.
Hi, Heather,
If you would like to read our story of “miraculous” healing, I’d like to put it out there. It’s on my website on page 5 (I blog a lot, so that may change) and the post is called: “Weird Science! Healing a Rare Blood Disorder: Cryoglobulinemia {Science Hasn’t Caught Up to the Truth About Healing}”.
Dis-ease is caused by fear – which is resistance to that which I do not understand. We have healed a lot in our lives and do not want others to believe us, but rather to face their fears full out and understand them completely so they can let them go. I do not sugar coat anything. I go straight for the pain so people can understand it. When I began to understand my fear of illness and my partner did as well? We healed so fast – it was like magic, no kidding.
Healing happens as fast as a diagnosis can seemingly kills us. It’s because the mind is far more powerful than I was ever taught to “think” it is.
Sending healing thoughts and strength. 🙂
I couldn’t find the article. Has it been taken down?
Thank you Kris. You need a game plan when it comes to fear and those suggestions totally helped!
A game plan is using now to prevent fear from the past from showing up in the future. Magazines and television are distractions that unconsciously feed fear by helping me avoid the understanding of it and how it first manifested in my life. Distractions of avoidance do not eliminate fear.
Here and now, everything is fine and rationally, we know that, but it is not so simple, is it? Why not? Because of the intellectual need I was always taught to value. Be smart! Be an expert! Convince others that your life has meaning! Phooey. lol
To let go of the imagination caused by fear, I have to face it and understand how that imagination began in the first place. It is not until I understand how I began my own patterns of fear that I can fully let them go and live an amazing life without those patterns.
Facing fear is not for everyone. It is for those who are brave enough to face the pain full out, relive it to understand it objectively, and let it go for what it is: a story that is completely irrelevant to the experience of now. 🙂
I liked what you said about taking fear for a joy ride Kris! I talked about this on my blog several months ago, because I had some experiences while mountain biking that reminded me of a unique response to fear. When it shows up, you just have to ride it.
“As a bee seeks nectar from all kinds of flowers, seek teachings everywhere.
Like a deer that finds a quiet place to graze, seek seclusion to digest all that you have gathered.
Like a mad one beyond all limits, go where you please–
and live like a lion, completely free of all fear.”– my favorite Buddhist teaching
Thank you for your teachings, Kris. Let us ride mountain bikes!