Emotional Health

How to Find Your Purpose: Mythbusting Edition

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Hiya Gorgeous,

There’s lots of advice out there on how to find your purpose, but most of it creates stress and, in my opinion, totally misses the mark.

That’s why I want to share this with you today.

Lately, I’ve been working on being softer towards myself. Kinder. Slower.

Why? Because it just feels so darn good, but also because I often feel anxious about the constant pressure to “improve”.

You might be feeling the same way. Every single day we receive messages telling us to eat better, work out more, lose weight, or be more productive.

And don’t get me wrong—there’s plenty of value in self-improvement. But is that constant pushing really the way to create a meaningful life? I’m talking here about the ultimate spiritual crisis: How to find your purpose.

We think our purpose is outside of ourselves.

Just thinking about how to find your life purpose can literally make folks sweat. We tie ourselves up in knots searching for answers to questions like: What’s my higher calling? How do I stop spinning my wheels and get down to business? And to be even more blunt: What the hell am I supposed to be doing with my life?!

I struggled with this too, until I finally found my purpose (spoiler alert: or so I thought) with Crazy Sexy Cancer and then Crazy Sexy everything else. At first, I felt very strong and proud. My feathers were fluffed. I had finally arrived spiritually.

My purpose was to help people live a healthy life, teach prevention and raise awareness about animal welfare. I used to tell myself, “Well, that’s one good thing that came from cancer…”

But here’s the rub: When our purpose is external, we may never find it. If we tie our purpose or meaning to our vocation, a goal or an activity, we’re likely setting ourselves up for discomfort and even failure down the line.

Mythbuster! Your purpose has nothing to do with what you do.

There, I said it.

Your purpose is actually quite simple, it’s to awaken. To discover and nurture who you truly are, to know and love yourself at the deepest level and to guide yourself back home when you lose your way.

The more you do this, the more aware and present you become, which creates more harmony in your life. Everything else is your burning passion, your inspired mission, your job, your love-fueled hobby, etc. Those things are powerful and very worthy, but they’re not your purpose. Your purpose is much, much bigger than that.

My deeper understanding of purpose feels right in the soul of my bones. It diffuses the ache of separateness I experience when my work isn’t appreciated or when my efforts are overlooked or criticized. Sometimes folks will treasure your work, sometimes they won’t.

In fact, sometimes you’ll get the gig, sometimes you won’t. You’ll be on the marquee, and you’ll be passé. You’ll be thanked and you’ll be taken for granted. You’ll give and you’ll get nothing in return. You’ll be “Liked” and you’ll be unfriended. That’s life.

But, does that mean your life has no purpose or meaning?

Absolutely, positively not. What it does mean is that tying your worth to that yo-yo circus will only make you feel depleted, depressed and resentful. Instead of looking for outer approval, anchor your sense of purpose within, sweet friend. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself drifting out at sea again and again.

What if your purpose is very different than what you’ve been taught to believe?

  • What if your purpose is to build an everlasting relationship with yourself? To fall deeply in love with precious you? This isn’t self-centered or selfish, it’s self-expansive. Interconnected. Conscious.
  • What if your purpose is to forgive yourself and others? And by doing so, to allow warm waves of compassion to wash over the entire planet (yourself included).
  • What if your purpose is to gently heal all self-injury? And by doing so, to become a mentor and role model for others to do the same.
  • What if your purpose is to release all shame and feelings of unworthiness? Guess what you’ll find behind those feelings? Vulnerability—where your true strength and courage reside.
  • Shall we talk about perfection? Yes, I think we must. What if your purpose is to teach yourself that there is no such thing as perfection and that your never-ending pursuit of it is destroying your life and your relationships? Let it go.
  • What if your purpose is to speak kindly to yourself so that you elevate your energy and the world around you?
  • What if your purpose is to develop an everlasting faith in yourself? To remember your holiness and treat yourself accordingly. The deeper your faith gets, the stronger your connection to a higher power.
  • What if your purpose is to take impeccable care of yourself so that you have the energy and joy to serve others?
  • What if your purpose is to sit still and listen to the wise voice within? We all have a choice about whether or not to attach ourselves to the crazy swirling around in our heads, hearts and universe. Stay open to your inner guidance and choose another way when needed.

And lastly…

What if your purpose (or invitation) is to actually bear witness to your suffering?

To honor and acknowledge it in order to move through it? “They” say that “suffering is optional.” But I’m not so sure about that. Plus, I’m not so sure that the people who believe this have truly experienced suffering. I may have agreed with this at one point. But that was before my experience of loss, sickness and cancer.

Today, I know that suffering is inevitable and so is grief. (In fact, my next book is all about navigating grief and still welcoming joy, no matter how messy life gets.) The trick is to have the guts to actually experience that loss, learn its lessons and eventually make peace with the parts of life you can’t change. Note: Residual pain may remain, and that’s OK, but at some point we can begin to thaw it out in order to embrace our one great, brilliant life.

What if finding your purpose is about finding and nurturing yourself?

Not an external to-do or accomplishment, even if that to-do or accomplishment is the most important discovery of all time. Because if you are the one destined to find the most important ah-ha of all time, you will probably find it quicker and easier if you feel good, loved and happy. Start there. It’s that simple.

Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t love my job (or you) or that I’m going to quit in any way. I cherish my work and all of my readers. And it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t start an orphanage or save animals or empower women or teach people how to file taxes. It means that you no longer need to connect your personal self-worth with a plaque on the wall.

Your self-worth has nothing to do with your craft or calling and everything to do with how you treat yourself and others.

I’ve met brilliant and effective activists who I have gallons of respect for who are dirty messes inside. Mean messes. Bitter messes. Sad messes. Jaded, cranky-ass messes.

And guess what? Their reach and impact reflect their attitude. Imagine what they could accomplish if they moved from loathing to love. If they knew that no matter how important their mission, their inner purpose matters even more. Folks are like plants; we all lean towards the light.

You are the light.

Your true purpose is to connect with that light. Everything else will follow in time. If you are struggling with this topic, I hope this blog gives you peace. Love ya!

Your Turn: Does this take on purpose resonate with you? Anything you want to add?

Peace & purpose,

Add a comment
  1. Robin Parvis says:

    Brilliant! Thank you, I will take the road “less traveled by, and that…” will make “… all the difference.”

  2. Helen says:

    Kris I love this – thank you for reminding me exactly what I am doing right now!!!

  3. Donna says:

    Thank you Kris for being such a blessing! This is so beautiful! It feels, like a “reminder”…

  4. Merridy says:

    Dear Kris, you have inspired me and I am taking small steps to follow your lead. Your love shines, you are brave, fearless and embrace life in a way that I’ve always wanted to. I want more people to smile, I want them to love life and be passionate about it. Thankyou for being a great trailblazer love Merridy

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  6. Alyson says:

    I love this and feel like I can take a deep breath after reading it. The one I had to write down was “What if your purpose is to release all shame and feelings of unworthiness?” I’m going to need to spend some time with this one. The other one I’d add is what if your purpose is to see more things with love than with fear. Thank you for this wisdom Kris!

  7. Erin McCarthy says:

    This article really hit home at the perfect timing. I’ve been trying so hard to focus on my purpose, to find my true calling and just keep getting frustrated over and over because I never seem to find it, or maybe figure out to make it work. Where is this magic everyone else seems to be finding and why can’t I? I would of never thought it was about awakening my soul, however when I look back on life, meditating, exercising, etc. Everything seemed to fall into place. Then life goes on kids come into play and we get sucked into careers that pay bills, yet don’t make us happy, but at mid-life where are we to go? You’re one of the only articles that states this- how refreshing! I hope this will help to awaken my life and get me back on the path where I’m meant to be. Thank you Kris, you are awakening so many of us. Keep it coming.

    Kind Regards,
    Erin

  8. Christy says:

    Hey Kris
    Loved this one. Was having a day where I was getting lost in the swirling thoughts and the numerous things to do and ‘should’ be doing and reading this lifted me out of that. Thanks.

    Christy 🙂

  9. Eloquently written from your oh-so-beautiful and wise heart. Thank you for sharing, Kris! xoxo

  10. Judit says:

    OMG..This is really the best post ever about finding or struggling with your purpose..WOW, reading this was really an AHA moment for me! Thank you Kris!!!

  11. Bernard says:

    I really thankyou kris love you Bernard

  12. Melissa says:

    I needed this more than you can ever imagine. Thank you!
    As long as I can remember I’ve been hard on myself, judging myself, thinking bad of myself, not loving me for me… How I perceive myself in the mirror determines a lot of myself worth. I have struggled with my weight/health for a long time and despite working so hard both in the kitchen and in the gym, I have never reached my goal. With all that failure comes a lot of depression, self-loathing, bitterness, etc.
    With the new year, I was trying to figure out why I keep failing time and time again so I can come up with a new game plan, maybe something different, something I haven’t tried. I started to think about why I want to reach these goals, what it will mean to me and for me. Then I realized that even if I did lose all the weight and had the fit, strong body of my dreams, I would still struggle with self-confidence, self-worth and self-love. Getting rid of fat and building muscle isn’t going to fix who I am at my core. Is the health of my body more important than the health of my mind and soul? No. Is the health of my mind more important than the health of my body? No. They’re both equally important just for different reasons. For so long I have thought my physical health was more important. Now I realize both are equally important. I need to take care of my mind, my purpose, just as much as I’ve been taking care of my body. And maybe, just maybe, both will work together and I’ll reach my goal.
    Thank you again, Kris. Your beautiful, amazing words have filled me with hope. Love you.
    ~ Melissa

  13. Beautiful post and so true. Thank you for sharing this.

  14. Amen, Kris! I agree 1000% with you and it’s such a great message. I talk about this on my blog as well. You are an amazing light. I find that as I follow my inner light, things flow more effortlessly:-) Blessings, Tandy

  15. Caro says:

    *sigh* Thank you.

  16. It’s 24 days into the New Year, just about the time when resolutions begin to dwindle. Then I stumbled on this post and it floored me! Simple wisdom always does! Thank you for sharing and continue to share it every year (another wise decision). I’ve decided to shared this link on my new page. Though I’m just starting out, I think including your words is a perfect start!

  17. Maureen says:

    Thanks so much for this beautiful and practical approach to self respect and love. I hope to apply it to my life.

  18. Paloma says:

    This is the best thing I have read in a long time. It resonates so much. You are so clever. Thank you.

  19. Evelyn says:

    Completely and utterly true. And well written.
    Thank you ?

  20. Clare McLaren says:

    This is true Gold! Amen to all of that Kriss! Love, Love, Love it! xo

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