Kris Carr

Kris Carr

Emotional Health

Toxic Relationship Signs

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Hiya Gorgeous!

As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.

In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.

Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.

While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”

But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

Let’s get brave and tell the truth.

Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.

Questions to ponder:

  • Is the pain too great to stay the same?
  • Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
  • Do I need a translator to be heard?
  • Is it impossible to make boundaries?
  • Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
  • Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
  • Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
  • Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
  • Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
  • If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
  • Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
  • Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
  • Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
  • Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
  • Do I find myself missing the old me?
  • And so on…

If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.

 

How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships

Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.

I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.

The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.

Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.

Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.

Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.

Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.

Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.

Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.

Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.

If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.

What’s on the other side of change?

Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.

Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.

Peace & bag packing,

 
 
Add a comment
  1. allison says:

    this is so perfect fo me right now! I answered y es to every question, it is definitely time and Kris thank you for article and the encouraging support and love! My best to you!

  2. Monique says:

    Thank you Kris! Your article is timely.

  3. Such wise, beautiful wisdom Kris! Thank you so much for sharing this.
    Love! Xo

  4. Debra Policarpo says:

    What happens when the toxic person is a family member? And not just any family member, but my sister and mom? What complicates things is the fact that I have a daughter who very much wants a relationship with both of them,especially her grandma. Help!

  5. Kia says:

    am Still living with my ex partner. We broke up 6 months ago, but because I haven’t been working (surgery, recovery etc), we agreed that I would stay put until early next year. We’ve had some rough spots and awkwardness, but genuinely love each other, so it hasn’t been awful. Just last night she announces that she wants to get back together. I instantly became stressed and worried about what I should do. The questions listed in this article have helped me put things in perspective. Thank you. I know I must be true to myself no matter what and just accept what may come.

  6. Joanne Cleary says:

    I had to distance myself from my family of origin while I was first in recovery, a time when you would need family the most. This included missing birthdays and other celebratory days with my father in particular. Then he got very sick. That is a game changer. So I apologized for any hurt that I had caused and outlined the qualities which I admired in him. The letter was not opened for months due to his stubborness, but a month before he died, there was a call of reconciliation by him. I saw him once more after that call. So here is my lesson: some people you absolutely have to write off, but if there is any chance of forgiveness to bring peace to the situation, take the high road. This relationship ended in the most final way. But it ended peacefully. With that one act, the family has changed because they saw pride and ego being put aside for peace. And as for my recovery, by distancing myself from dysfunction at the time, I have gained a beautiful community of friends, my children, and a loving husband. That never would have happened 4 years ago.

  7. Tina says:

    I feel like I should not be posting on here after reading all the posts but I would like advice myself.
    I have been married for 24 years and my husband is a good man. He is a great dad to our 13 year old, good provider, hard worker, helps around the house and really cares for me. But I have not been happy for years because we have become “roommates” and have our own circle of friends and what we do is always separate. I have been unfaithful and he has forgiven me for that. I feel like I have no reason to be unhappy with my life yet I am. I have wanted to leave for a long time but life has always just gone on and I have always done what I have wanted to and it has seemed to work out. He loves to be at home watching sports and I love to be out doing things. I feel like I would rather do things without him then with him in public. I have lost all intimacy for him but care for him so much. I don’t feel the relationship is “toxic” but again I am not happy in it. Most people would love to have what I have and I have always wanted this place in life. Why now do I not want it and where do I go from here. He has moved out 5 weeks ago to give me time to figure out what I want and we speak daily. Our son sees him each day and they spend lots of time together. I enjoy the time at home alone and with my son and think that life would be ok if I decided to file for divorce. BUT we are still paying the bills together and things have not changed except that he is sleeping and spending his time else where. I wonder if on my salary if we would struggle to live and would my son miss out on the things he is used to. My husband is in so much pain because he truly believes that we have a good marriage and misses it desperately. How do I decide to move on either with or without him when I am so sorry for hurting him? I feel like I am the toxic one and he does not deserve anything like the hurt I am putting him through. I do feel that I should be able to feel happy or something more than my obligation as a wife and mother but then I wonder if this is all there is. Am I selfish for wanting to feel passion and have fun. Is a life alone better then a stable, comfortable, reliable life alone in the house with a man by my side???? I am so lost and confused.

  8. Beth says:

    I ended a 3 year relationship last week. I lost my husband, to whom I was married for 20 years, in a tragic accident 4 years ago and reconnected with an old friend (10 years younger, never married, no kids) within the first year, which led to this 3 year relationship. As most can relate, the beginning was great; I was happy, and it felt so good. But, as the months and years went on, I realized more and more how negative this person was and it was sucking the life out of me and becoming toxic to me, my children and our whole family dynamic. The situation became very complicated when he relocated his drug-addicted, mentally ill sister and her 2 small children to his house to help her, which I supported and so greatly admired him for. This past summer, she was arrested and lost her children. They went into foster care, and after 2 months, my boyfriend decided he wanted to foster them. Initially, I said I would do it with him and tried to imagine what our family would now look like and how we would all operate under one roof. Just as this image was becoming a reality, I was overwhelmed at the prospect, so I spoke up at a widows’ group I attend. They gave me the best advice — to seriously consider the fork in the road. I spent the next couple of days doing so, and I decided to end my relationship and not proceed with the fostering of his niece and nephew. I know it was shocking to him, but I explained that our relationship would have to be the foundation for the whole program, and that foundation was very unsteady. While I feel badly about him now being a single foster parent, I feel better about making a decision that I firmly believe was the right one for everyone involved. So, now I move forward, focus on my family, work on my grief and my new single life. I am very blessed with two wonderful children, so I want to refocus on them and enjoy life together.

  9. Kate says:

    They say when you are in it you don’t see. It was only after my friends were horrified with the couple of light things my boyfriend said to me that I realized I was putting up with a lot more than I deserved. I realized that if they only knew the daily criticism and selfishness. I wrote a laundry list of these things to get them out of my system. Then I asked him to come over. I told him that I wanted to break up. I told him that I wanted to be with someone who treated me better. I said that I didn’t feel that I needed to rehash anything. I said we had so much fun, but that I was sad more than I was happy, and that’s not how it should be. I also told him that for the next time he meets someone he should never treat her like he treated me. He apologized and acknowledged he had a problem and it was wrong. Then left. I have not regretted it. This was three weeks ago.

  10. Teresah says:

    From my experience: I have let go of toxic relationships only to attract another one – the key for me is to raise my own vibration by growing so you I stop attracting toxic relationships – they are only a reflection of myself. This is hard to swallow, but I always found an area in my own self that was toxic.

  11. Joy says:

    Thank you! Kris! Read my mind! So needed this today, actually, every day for the past several years. I’m exhausted. Trying soo hard to get out of a very toxic relationship. Taking a plant-based culinary certification course, almost done; tripped a few times based on the problematic Homefront. Trying to “listen” to the Universe to find my path from here. I guess you were part of that Universe today. Had my Morning Glorious, going for my 4-mile walk, and then back to the kitchen to “get it done.” Thank you! again! 🙂

  12. Hi Kris,

    I did and it was the most amazing thing that happened in my life! For the first time, I felt free! Free from the bs, the hypocrisy, the world’s judgements, etc.

    I love to write-really write the honest truth. It may be a hard pill to swallow yet it is liberating. Cathartic. I am not free of pain, not at all but I am so happy to find myself again. All these years, I’ve been wearing crazy masks just to keep the charade going. While I tried to save it and plug the holes, fix the broken holes, my body on the other hand is screaming loud telling me otherwise. Only then, I got the message. That I allowed this toxicity to poison my psyche, my being, my soul and spiritual growth. Whoa! What a relief to say my truth and never be afraid for any judgement or ridicule. I am happy and soaring like an eagle that despite the storms, I can soar high above and feel awesome and courageous. Thank you for being a virtual friend. Now, I used my story to help others heal and get out from the mess they have created.

    What a wonderful article! Story shared.

    Love ya,

    Hazel <3

  13. Kathryn says:

    Kris, I can’t tell you how encouraging this has been. I broke up with a friend a while ago (for various reasons, but mostly that she just drained me in every capacity). I am still struggling 6 months down the line. She can’t seem to let the relationship go, and has sent my husband and myself numerous emails in a desperate attempt to reconnect. But I remember that no matter how guilty those messages may attempt to make me feel, I can not put myself in a position again to be used, drained, and emotionally abused and manipulated. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve experienced in a friendship, but I know I did the right thing for myself (and my marriage!). Thank you so much for your encouragement, positivity, and glowing beauty, inside and out! X

  14. Ellesha says:

    I was in a really exhausting friendship for about five years – she bashed almost everything I was interested in, was constantly telling me how to live my life, flipped out at me for imagined slights, and was a total pain in the butt whenever I invited her anywhere. She was also a terrible listener, and a gossip. Finally, when she betrayed my confidence to someone I had JUST INTRODUCED HER TO, I decided that was that. Even though she apologized, this was only one of many offences and I was DONE. I accepted her apology but never spoke to her again. My life is so much more peaceful as a result.

  15. Gloria says:

    Just out of a 3 year relationship with a gentleman 14 years my senior I thought it was “forever” until I discovered that my beautifl man had been talking with his ex-girlfriend for six months (or more)? I am crushed and have not been graceful. He came into my life when I needed him most and it was wonderful. Your blog came at a perfect time… toxic is not healthy. Back to being my wonderful awesome self that he helped to bring back to life. I wish him love and happiness forever.

  16. Alex says:

    This post was a God-send! I am getting married and two of your bridesmaids are being very negative, destructive, and even downright vindictive towards me. It occurred to me that we were best of friends when they were first married with beautiful new houses and I was recently divorced working two jobs and living in a cruddy apartment. Now, I have the love of my life, a nice house, and a very successful career. Every time I achieved a milestone, they made nasty comments about it to make me feel bad, or pointed out something that was not going as well and rubbed my nose in it. It was never constructive, it was always just picking the scab.

    I decided that when the wedding is over, I will mourn long-dead “friendships” and move on. It is hard in the meantime not to worry, but I know I need to just keep my eye on the end goal, which is starting a new chapter of my life with the love of my life and a fresh start in the friend department.

    Thanks again for the perspective.

  17. Emma says:

    I just found this, and I wanted to say thank you for writing it. Long story, very short, I have been friends with a wonderful girl for 16 years. It’s my 30th birthday this weekend, so I’ve literally known her longer than I haven’t. I got married a couple of years ago and just had my first baby… During this time she has been in two horribly abusive relationship (usually with her as the abuser) and tried to commit suicide a couple of months ago. I’m happy, she’s not, and she takes her anger out on me now. I’m actually afraid for my family at this point… I just don’t know how to get her out of my life safely for her and me… How do I make a clean break when our lives are so intertwined? Do I tell her parents who I have a close relationship with? Do I just erase her pictures and try to get it out of my life? I know what I have to do, and I’m comfortable with it, I just don’t know how to.

  18. Caroline says:

    I was getting ready to end a toxic relationship when I was diagnosed. With two kids and cancer it was impractical to leave, I am stage 4. I can see the effort in him to start fresh and has been as supportive as he knows how. Im hoping that instead of feeling stuck that this experience will transform him as he has promised. Still very much a work in progress. should I believe people can truly change. cancer can break or define you and the people around you. I wish I get a good definition in the end, that cancer can heal our relationship for the sake of the children.thank you for the post.very enlightening as always.

  19. Xavier says:

    This post is just wonderful and is helping me. I had a VERY toxic relationship for a year. She was a friend prior to and we tried to remain friends after, but I couldn’t deal with how we were literally trying to destroy each other. My heart was out of the picture shortly before the breakup. It’s been about 7 months after and I thought I was fine. The thing about toxic relationships are sometimes they go to places you didn’t think they would. I’m also in the process of coming to terms with and getting out of my co-dependency problems. My heart had let her go, but my mind was still holding on to the good of our relationship and friendship. Knowing her and that she is the kind of person that doesn’t like to be alone, I knew she’d begin looking for others(quite quickly after). She moved …literally 2 minutes away from me/about 4 blocks from my place and her brand new boyfriend works pretty much around the corner. I became paranoid that I’d see her and it began to make me very unstable

    I was torturing myself with thoughts I shouldn’t have. I’m a very hard worker and I put my all into everything I do. I was still angry that I put a lot of work into trying to better myself and I was upset that it seems like she doesn’t do anything and she has someone new. I’ve been trying to work through not letting thoughts of other people occupy my mind, but some toxicity still lingers even months or years after exiting. Sometimes, it’s not a “one time” process… it can take a very, very long time. I’m only in the beginning stages of letting go of those extra problems, but I noticed a difference in my health right away.

    Sorry this is a long (and late) post, but sharing makes it a little easier in addition to reading

  20. Maya says:

    This is really empowering at a fragile time so thank you. I’ve been struggling with my health (MS-related) and it is a scary time to break up with someone who I’m many ways is a support. But at the same time my inner voice was speaking so loudly I could not ignore it. It’s so hard to gage sometimes if it is the person that drains you or if it’s a dip in your energy and thus an inability to prioritize relationship. But there is a pattern that I detected. And the voice was loud and clear. He loves me too. It’s very hard and scary. Sometimes I think I shut people out when my health dips but if the support comes with subtle pressure is it truly support? Does anyone else struggle in this way – with health-related relationship issues?

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