Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
Hi Kris, I have an awful relationship with my parents obviously I can’t just walk away.they put me down don’t listen to anything I say and think that my food allergies are false ( I’m a celiac that’s milk intolerant and have really bad psoriasis) I hope that one day I can sit down and belive I’m all of the above and as awful as it sound I feel I will only be free when they die. Thank you for your amazing self you are an amazing role model xx
This resonates; thank you for posting it.
I’m at the point, after four years, of struggling to accept that that I am in a toxic relationship with my girlfriend. That’s despite the fact that every single website/discussion I view, reinforces the undeniable fact: it is toxic. Why can’t I accept this?!
I can answer yes to almost every question. There is still some spark there, the sex (love-making) is amazing, she can be ultra sweet and loving (when it suits her). Unfortunately I am tired of the arguments, tired of always apologising for minor transgressions but never getting an apology for a major transgression from her, tired of being controlled, tired of having no freedom (to even see my parents who live abroad for just one weekend or go to a concert to hear a musician I like), tired of criticism (for really silly things like the way I make cheese toasties!), tired of emotional bullying (threats of leaving me when things don’t go her way).
We’ve already had about three breaks in this relationship. Each time, she apologised and took responsibility and sounded like she wanted to make it work; she even started therapy for the jealousy/insecurity/controlling. But, every time I have gone back. Every time, after a few months it’s still the same and all the blame is on me for “running away” even though she asked me to leave and packed my stuff. The therapy has been going for 9 months. I never forced her to go, she initiated it herself after I suggested couples counselling, but now she claims I demanded she go to therapy and uses that against me. I don’t believe she’s honest enough in the therapy either which is perhaps why it is not helping.
I’ve got a storage unit and have started to form an escape plan. I think I need to escape and get out of it while I still can get out of it. But I’m resisting it. She can be nasty. But she can also be really nice, loving, amazing. In those moments “oh… it can get better”, “ah, this is why i am here, why i love her”. God, this is so damn hard to know what to do.
I hope I can find the strength to do what is right for my happiness. And also for hers because I don’t see how she can be happy living like this either.
Anyway… thanks for the post. I will try the journalling and see where that leads me.
Love, and light. Mark.
great article! thank you. I left a 19 year marriage (which was damaged),,,,and took a gamble on a 46 year old who waved soooo many red flags, but who was my catalyst into this new life. I said no thanks to my husbands attemps to work on our marriage, and took a leap into the arms of new-guy. he had me on a pedestal for about four months, I ignored some of his odd bahaviours, addressed some others, and blindly continued to trust that he would be solid and genuine for the LONG HAUL. The exact same month that moved out on my own (which was month # 6 of our dalliance), he started to flake out, and his actions no longer matched his words. The more I tried to address his unavailability, and to set my own boundaries, the more he pulled away. My neediness kicked into over drive, but my self-esteem was also high enough that I broke up with him. It took a few times, but now, in what would have been Day One of month # nine, I am 100% sure that I would not take him back. I still love him, and I believe he also loves me, but we would both need to face our own flaws and accept each other through the challenges of mutual growth – but I sadly know that that possibility is not in him. His character I snot strong, and it’s easier for him to run and lick his wounds/ Now begins the healing process for me, cherishing the good times we had, and grieving the loss of two relationships. Mind you, the relationship with my (ex) husband is now way more amicable than it was during our last 2 – 3 years of marriage.
Everything you said resonates deeply within me. I have been with my husband for 17 years now. We’ve been through the fire together. But I have come out on the other side a very different person. I’ve had brain surgery and now have fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue. My husband suffered a heart attack in 2005. Some just grow more that others and simply put, I’ve outgrown “us” and I cannot keep trying to drag him along, it’s exhausting. The saddest thing of all is how much we deeply love each other. But I feel as though I cannot breath! I also feel somewhat hopeless. You see, the twist in all this is that I am disabled and cannot work. Therefore I cannot support myself. Therefore I am trapped. I would have walked away a long time ago if I could have found a way. I know that being in this constant state is so damaging to me. I don’t know to reconcile the yearnings in my heart for the life I dream of and my current reality. I wish it were as simple as having the courage to do what’s right for me, unfortunately it’s so much more complicated. Thank you Kris. You are in inspiration to me.
It’s only been in recent years that I’ve felt comfortable identifying and eliminating toxic relationships from my life. In the past, I was too accommodating not wanting to hurt the feelings of others; however, not being true to yourself is no way to live. People change and so do friendships.
What an engaging post , Kris Carr.
I am first time visitor (and commenting for first time as well) to your blog and find your blog an excellent resource on wellness and personal development.
I divorced my husband, father of my child, after having a similar conversation with myself at the beginning of last year. It’s amazing how much happier all three of us are now. We forget that a 4 year old is so intuitive and all of the tension she picked up. She’s more confident now, and I know I am too. My ex is happily living with his third “the one”, and I’m happily living a single, independent, empowered life. Being able to show my daughter what a strong woman can be is the best gift ever.
I love thus article, I wish I had come across about 6 months ago because that was a time of self destruction & this is definitely insight I would’ve needed to hear, I’m in such a different place now than I was then but it would have been so much more helpful. Thank you for this and I look forward to read more of your wonderful insight.
I am in a marriage that I know is failing. But I love this man with all my heart.
Day after day I am accused of Cheating when I have tried over and over to figure out how I can prove it to him that I am not! I have showed him that there is no way that I’d want to cheat let alone even had the time to do it!
It all started when I began working again after being unemployed for for 3 years. My husband is disabled and cannot work so he is at home every day all day. I have begged him over and over to tell me how I can prove it to him that he is the only one that I want to be with and that my loyalty is with him. I have excommunicated every male in my life some I have known since child hood and have never had more than a friend ship with. I have even suggested quitting my job and then figuring out how to survive off of the small check that he gets every month. But I am at the end of my rope and have had some un nerving thoughts that I would just be better off dead! I have my own issues with mental health and severe anxiety issues which have only gotten worse since this daily barrage of accusations has occured. he is not physically abusive but I know that it is mental. How do I cope? How can I fix this with out walking away? He constantly tells me that he wants a divorce but I cant do it! I believe in Hope, Faith help meLove and Honor and now I am starting to wonder if it means anything any more!
Please give me some advice! Desperate
Perfect timing for this article to come into my life. Thank you Kris for being so honest and relatable. My ex fiancé and father of my unborn child was that guy that I have had the most dysfunctional relationship with and am having the hardest time letting go. His indecisiveness and hot and coldness spikes up anxiety in me I’ve never experienced before and is my only reason I fear my future sometimes because of our daughter on the way. I literally hit rock bottom having him in my life. I tried to escape a few times but always went back to him. We partied together, I trusted him more than I trusted myself and the day he told me I didn’t know how to be loved changed my life. It’s been almost a year now since I’ve gone inward and began facing my demons, cleansing the toxins (drugs, alcohol, and negative thoughts, people, places and habits) and for the first time in my life I finally feel like I’m alive and conscious and the creator of my reality. My daughter inspired me speed up this process of healing and is ultimately the reason I left my ex for good. He threatens me with court because I’ve asked him to clean up his act if he wants to be in her life. I don’t want to hold the baby over his head but I fought to keep her even after he asked me to abort twice, even after he verbally and emotionally abused me, and threatened to physically hurt me, even after he kicked me out on the streets numerous times, even after he got the whole world to listen to his side and caused people to dislike me, even after all the sleepless nights I had having to pick him up in the middle of the night because he was too drunk and high to safely guide himself home…goodness the grief I put me and my baby through. We’re home now with my family, away from him, with less than 2 months left of pregnancy to go. She is my light and my joy. I know I’m on track and on the right path. There is no way God would’ve blessed me with this baby if I hadn’t started my journey to healing. I want to be a strong role model for her and although the light in me sees the light in me, past all his insecurities and fear, I have yet to figure out how to have him in our life, as he is. I just continue to pray and send him love and light, focus on me and my baby girl, and read up on loving, inspiring stories on sites such as yours. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing your love and light with the rest of us. Aloha.
About a year and a half ago, I left a toxic relationship (it took me telling the guy like 5 times over 5-6 months to break up with him). We haven’t talked to each other really since then. I remember trying to put him off gently, but it didn’t work. The relationship was long-distance and there was some (ok, a lot) of bdsm type stuff and I just wasn’t as into it the way he was. But I finally was able to leave him. However, I have a dilema. I’m in a new relationship (started about 2 months after my last (first) relationship) and its been just over a year. However, I don’t feel like it’s the right relationship anymore. There’s nothing wrong really with him, but I don’t feel like we click as a couple anymore. So how do you know when to end a relationship even if it’s not really toxic? Especially when the guy is super nice?
I left one and jumped into another ( which i still am in). Its a disaster. I know its not working, i know its a horrible idea.
I don’t want to leave, okay i do , but i think of all the things il lose and how much i have worked and i’m just paralyzed. He has done it all! and i am still rooted to the ground.
Hoping for some divine intervention
My boyfriend abuses me, calls me names like whore, bitch, etc. he even abuses me using my mothers name. he has slapped me as well sometimes when he loses his temper. but i had a past, and sometimes i used to visit his facebook page. my boyfriend says that he acted bad because i kept visiting my ex boyfriends facebook profile. And he has made me happy many times when we used to be together.
Now i have decided to get married to someone else because of all this, chosen by my family. So I broke up with him. But now he is saying that he will change, has realized his mistake, will never mistreat me again, will always keep me happy. I am not able to decide because of all this. What is the right thing to do?
Please help me.
It has taken me 29 years and beautiful lite girl to trust my heart and follow it. The healing process is like giving birth, pain yes…. Suffering no more. Just unconditional love for yourself and that spreads to all.
Liebe Kris,
es ist wunderbar, wie ehrlich und demütig Du Deine Lebensweisheit mit wildfremden Menschen wie mir teilst.
Ich glaube fest daran, dass Dein mutiger Rat bei vielen Menschen eine Entwicklung auslösen wird. Zum Besseren in unserer Welt.
Dafür möchte ich Dir ganz herzlich danken.
Mit warmen, herzlichen Grüßen
Matthias
<3 very wisely, Kris
I was 16 years old when I got with my first and now my ex boyfriend and I stayed with him till I was 21. I knew that our relationship was going to stay stagnant and I would picture myself at 26 still being with him and realizing that if I stay with him for the next five years that I would rot away my soul with his. So I made the conscious effort to break up with him once and for all….after about twenty times. No joke.. -_- and I never looked back. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I’m 25 years old now and I really do believe that somewhere deep inside everyone of us we all have the courage to pull our selves out of any toxic relationship. Remember we create our own destiny. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and take responsibility for when YOU don’t feel good. No relationship will ever be a fairy tale. Also every relationship with a significant other will bring things out in you you didn’t know you were capable of but that’s what relationships are for. They teach you something about yourself.
Gracias de verdad, actualmente estoy pasando por un momento de ruptura con mi marido y tus palabras me han ayudado mucho, sobre todo al comprobar que no soy la única que tira platos o rompe cosas….
Gracias de nuevo y sigue siendo como eres, es decir, tan fantástica y maravillosa luz en nuestro camino,.
Muchos besos, Ana
I have a great relationship with my husband, but I wanted to write about one of his toxic relationships…that with his daughter’s mother. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and for that reason was restricted to visiting with his daughter only under the supervision of his parents (obviously, her grandparents). Two years into his sobriety his relationship with his ex remained terrible, with her still mistrusting him and constantly deriding and belittling him for his addiction and complaining about him as a parent, and him loathing even the sound of her voice. She is a very negative person that makes you feel terrible in their presence, never praises and always scolds, and sucks all your energy and well being dry, exactly the kind of toxic person you would want to cut out of your life under any other circumstances. But of course, they have a daughter together. Then one day almost two years ago, everything changed. My husband’s mom had a blow-out fight with his daughter’s mom, and after that she cut off visitation with the grandparents and decided that my husband would only visit in her presence (all of this was done legally as her father-in-law is a lawyer and my husband never sought legal counsel). Well, my husband refused to visit with her under those conditions, and because of this he no longer sees his daughter. In fact, threatened with court again and having to pay her lawyer’s fees, he signed his daughter over for adoption to her stepfather almost a year ago.
It has been very, very hard for me to accept what happened. I want to say that my husband should have stayed and done whatever was necessary for his child and just ignored her mom to whatever extent possible. But, I can also understand that for his healing and full recovery he really needed to free himself from her negativity and constant dragging him back into his past. I have found that I cannot decide what is right and wrong. My husband is now 3 1/2 years sober and although we miss his daughter terribly, we are also happy in our own relationship and I know he feels liberated now having removed that presence from his life. I just wish it could have worked out differently and that we could still have a relationship with his daughter.
I really needed this post, and all your comments. Thank you. I am feeling like i’m struggling to overcome an addiction and I’m spiritually bankrupt, just like someone mentioned here, from all the madness I’ve endured. The only difference is that this person ended things with me. About 10 days ago after a ton of sweet messages, I found out he was cheating and when I confronted him, he accused me of cheating, said thats why he did it, and basically ended things and never called again. I found out yesterday he’s had another girlfriend for the past 5 months. I knew I should have ended things with him 7 months ago, and I ignored every sign, every instinct, and rationalized my wisdom away. Now I am left with such conflicting emotions I feel like the crazy one! I’m relieved because I feel like I dodged a deadly bullet, but I also feel so sad and small. I beat myself up for not leaving him and allowing him to do this to me.
But I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter who left who. It needed to be done and I couldn’t do it.
Thank you all for your support and wisdom and I really admire every single one of you for being so brave, strong, and committed to your own happiness and well being.