Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
Thanks Kris. Beautiful insight. Am currently struggling with this very issue. Have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 9 years! Totally emotionally unavailable to me. I answered yes to all of the questions above if that gives you any indication of how toxic this relationship has become. I have been going to alanon for about 5 months which has saved my life really, but mostly taught me I have choices. It’s still so difficult for me to let go! He has such a hold on me. I wish I could let go of my fea more. I am ttrying!
Kris! Thank you so much for your candid honesty! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you for this amazing and beautiful quality 🙂 Seriously, you rock girlfriend!
I’m a holistic health coach, with the primary focus on relationship with self. The reason my practice serves in this fashion is because it’s the development of my relationship with Self, that I was able to completely heal and change the quality of my life and attract the most healthiest, beautiful relationship I have ever experienced in my life!
What led me to this point was falling into a gnarly rock bottom after 7years of a seriously unhealthy and abusive relationship and at the same time losing my Dad quite unexpectedly. The combination of these two whirled me into a seriously dark and ugly place. Leaving the unhealthy relationship took 2 of those 7 years. It took baby steps because I was unknowingly so co-dependent with absolutely no self-esteem or self-worth. This unhealthy relationship slowly came to an end by sleeping in separate rooms, which eventually turned into separate places, to eventually not hanging around the same group of friends, to eventually having zero contact – and not because I asked for it, the other person did! Talk about doing me the biggest favor of my life. If someone like the person I am today were around, I probably would have left a whole lot sooner! At the time that this other person shouted they wanted nothing to do with me, didn’t love me, etc., I thought my life was completely over. I honestly thought, “if this a**hole doesn’t love me, who will?”
After hitting rock bottom I scraped myself off the ground, created clear boundaries with all unhealthy relationships, and took a major time out to start working on the relationship with mySelf. My life depended on this and I didn’t want to give up.
2.5 years later and I’m recognizable. Completely transformed and am now working with others in creating healthier lives in every aspect, but most importantly with their self.
Leaving a relationship is never easy, but if you know it’ll change the quality of your life for the better, then look at needing to leave a relationship as needing air to breathe. Hope this all makes sense!
Health, Love, Happiness to All! xo
I meant “2.5 years later and I’m unrecognizable”
WOW!! Thank you so much Kris for this post…it could not have come at a better time for me. I am about to end a 2 year live together relationship with my boyfirned. I love him dearly, but the relationship is toxic. Walking away from someone you love is next to impossible…I am so scared. But reading this post really helps, THANK YOU!
Thank you. I need to bookmark this to refer to. Perfect timing for me.
Hello everyone,
Allowing our feelings to surface can be a key to our emotional and physical health.
Emotions, whether they are happy, sad or angry are simply energy that needs to move.
Love,
Jivan
Hi Kriss,
Thanks for sharing how important happiness is to our health ~ i feel we completely underestimate how vital healthy relationships are to our wellbeing. Everything is energy and yours is wonderful. I feel we often forget that our emotions manifest in our bodies… keep sharing your light <3
When I saw this message in my inbox I felt a lump in my stomach. I’d been dancing around issues with my partner of 2.5 years for some time now, we’d had one break-up already and he’s never been fulling able to commit and be in love, but I kept loving him anyway. I read this blog that day and although many of these things struck a cord with me I insisted that this was different, that it would happen, things would change, and I was happy – and yet I was afraid because I knew the truth, and this was a big sign.
Last night my boyfriend and I were having a wonderful evening playing frisbee in the park when I jokingly tossed his pack of cigarettes into a bush (I hate that he smokes) he wasn’t please, picked up my shoes and went home. I walked home alone in the dark in bare feet (not the end of the world) but was furious that he seemed to always get a hall pass on being an asshole to me and never breaking it up with any kind of real sincere appreciation. I turned what was a fun-filled night into a break up, right then and there.
He was afraid to love me, and trust me, and after 2.5 years he still couldn’t fully commit – and I don’t know what I was waiting around for. I loved this man with all my heart, but that doesn’t mean he has to reciprocate or can.
Here’s to a new journey, one I’m diving into with an open heart full of love.
Gratitude to all the other people who posted here with similar experiences xo
You want “rich in the comments?” Here it is …
I’ve left-and-been-left-by numerous boyfriends in my youth, ended an engagement with a fiance, and ended a marriage with a husband … but … worse relationship-end ever? my soul-matey best-est friend of 25 years!
I was at a point in my life where I was extremely struggling … with my health, my emotions, my marriage. And, just at the point of the death of a family member that I’d cared-for for years, she just … stopped!! contacting me and won’t answer my phone calls or e-mails. On the couple of occasions when she answered the phone at work without knowing it was me, she brushed me off very quickly, no love-for-me left in her voice, told me to call back … each time, she never took my call-back.
This woman, my best-friend-of-decades, was my sister and I was hers, our families were each others’ families, our homes were each others’ homes, we vacationed together, we together went through marriages, divorces, deaths of our loved ones … all we needed was a call for help and we were there!
This abandonment brought me to my knees! and the emergency room with heart trouble … and the doctors soon after that. It has been over a year-and-a-half now. My life will never be the same. Apparently she is happier without me, although I do not know why.
I understand that things change … people change, lives change. Everyone has the right and the freedom to make new choices. What I will never do – and the reason I am writing this and am encouraging you all to also never do – is to be unkind, especially if the innocent person has never intended any harm towards you. Don’t ever be disrespectful, or untruthful, or hurtful, or … a coward. Was it easier for this tremendous friend of mine to just disappear with no explanation? You bet it was! Was it dysfunctional and ill? Also true.
We are all children of the same light, accompanying each other on our journeys. Be grateful for those who have been good to you, who have loved you … imperfections, flaws and all. And, first and foremost … do no harm. Thanks for listening.
I just had to break off a very one-sided toxic relationship with someone who I had considered a friend. It was very tricky because we live in a small town, our kids are very close and we live about a two minuets walk from one another. She was someone who was always taking from me energetically, with no return back. Its amazing to me that in my late thirties I have to de-friend someone but I am proud that I had the strength to do it. I truly believe that the people in our lives should be comprised of those that allow us to feel upheld, supported and loved. There is a huge sense of relief now that I have officially decided to end the relationship with an energy vacuum!
I haven’t read through all the comments, but enough to know I’m in good company! 😉 I too, happened upon this article at a time where I’ve decided to break off an engagement. It’s been so difficult because there is no hard and fast reason to end it! But alas, it is all the little things and my intuition keeps whispering “let go”. A friend reminded me to write my 5 must haves down and I realized I’m struggling with that! Talk about losing me!! I’m going to sit downs with myself for a heart to heart discussion tonight. Envisioning life without my fiancé, what does it look like? I asked for space a few days back and have felt invigorated! That alone is the confirmation I need – but the serendipity of your article (read at 11:11) was the final nail in the casket… 😉 THANK YOU ALL!!
OMG!!! Thank you so much for this timely post! I may have a sick sense of humour but I loved the part of about your red hot temper! This last one really knew how to push my buttons so I thank him for the lessons he taught me. It’s over and done and I am moving on!! All the best to you !!
Thank you Kris for this amazing article. It’s like you’re in my life. I’ve read it everyday since it came last week and today I put my husband out and claimed my power! I have 3 kids (3, 5, and 7) and an UNWAVERING FAITH IN GOD!
Reading everyone’s post has also been very powerful and mind changing, especially while drinking a very tasty Green Goddess! At 41 years awesome, this is the beginning of the best time of my life, and the PERFECT time to “Honor MY uniqueness, listen to MY heart, and appreciate MY own rhythm, while knowing and being loyal to myself.”
And so it is!
Erica
Hi, Kris,
Thank you for sharing this amazing post. I found sometimes the aftermath of leaving is sometimes harder than leaving itself. I left my wife— and she was, and still is, one of the most beautiful and biggest gifts in my life. She will always be my big love. But after 6 years, she helped me learn to love myself enough that I needed to stand up completely and found myself struggling to do it within the context of our marriage. We came together for a reason. And only for a season. Learning to embrace the relationship as complete instead of feeling guilt over leaving has been difficult. But I’m learning!
One amazing resource has been Erika Schwenk, an intuitive healer who has helped me to identify and release old beliefs that no longer serve me. I’d encourage anyone who needs help with that to look her up. She’s absolutely in line with your message. Thanks again,
Niki
This article is perfect timing for me, however the relationship that I need to release is not with a person but one with my job. I am the primary breadwinner in my family and it will be financially devastating for me to quit my job. However, I feel I cannot continue to be employed by a company whom I believe to be unethical. I have decided to quit and take what little retirement I have and live on that while I pursue health and happiness. I recently have developed extreme anxiety and have gained 100 pounds, gall bladder disease along with numerous aches and pains. Although there are some emotional issues that I have to deal with from childhood, I feel the primary problem is my job which makes me feel that I am betraying my soul. It is time for me to break free and trust my soul to guide me in the right direction for financial security, health and happiness. Many thanks to Kris for this article.
Susan,
Congrats to you for being brave… hoping to get there soon… I too am the breadwinner and have been here 15 years… scared of failing, scared of the unknown, scared scared scared… but my health is failing me my thyroid is SHOT…there is so many toxins it’s unbelievable. I have tried looking elsewhere but haven’t had much luck… hoping to be as brave as you real soon!!!!
Hello. Please help me. I have been in a relationship for 10 years and to make a long story short, I have financially and emotionally supported it. The man I am with does not have any money and that is no Word of a lie. Sincé I am doing okay l financially, I have jumped in to rescue him everytime. I pay everything. Over the ten years, he has managed to put his two children through university but that is with me paying everything else. MY QUESTION IS, how do you leave someone with NOTHING? I feel I have helped so much to créate this toxic situation. I hope someone will read this and respond with their thoughts. I am now going to go back and read all the comments. Thank you so much.
Thank you Thank you Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kris I find you a real inspiration! 🙂 authentic, real, down to earth.
You inspire me to be a better person and when I read about your struggles and admit to those non perfect aspects of yourself. I feel an ok human and its ok not to be perfect. I have a deep seated belief that I am inadequate Oh I know rationally I am as good as the next woman, artist, mother etc……… But this self harming belief raises its ugly head whenever I feel a little overwhelmed, tired, rejected! So when I see Kriss Car struggles, gets angry, frustrated and drinks coffee on occasions, I’m happy to be imperfect too! Katrina England
What if the toxic relationship is a sibling? How do you walk away from a sister that has such high expectations for you, that you could never meet them? Or never hears a word you say and sucks the life out of you? She calls me disrespectful if I dont answer a email. Let me mention that she is 10 years older than me, not married, retired, and has no children. I have 3 kids, a husband and 2 businesses I own and work out daily.
Kriss,
This is so powerful. We get so comfortable with keeping the status quo and forget that we deserve to be happy, and we have the power to walk away from what doesn’t serve us. We need to become more introspective and start asking ourselves the hard questions. The toxicity in our lives builds up to the point where it manifests itself as physical symptoms – and we need to prevent that. This is a great start.
*Kris, sorry about that!
My partner and his ex were in a toxic relationship – and holding onto it for the kids. But after they split, slowly slowly a new relationship emerged and they are now better friends than they have been in years. Their absolute determination to do the right thing by their kids has meant that the children are happy, feel safe, seem unscathed and they now have two loving families instead of just one. So even after pain, there can be fabulous happy endings.
Might I suggest a great book for caribg for and completing the emotions after such a loss? The Grief Recovery Handbook is life changing. Read it and do the exercises with a friend. It helps so much!!!!!
Wise advice. I’ve had trouble with letting go of a toxic relationship–because the toxic person is my biological mother. Kris, do yo uyhave any thoughts on when family is toxic for you?