Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
Thanks so much for sharing! I have had considerable trouble with my relationship with my parents over the past few years and this post gave me a few things to think about. It also brought to mind a romantic relationship that I recently ended – and I’m so glad I ended it!
I can relate so much to this because I broke up with my (so called) best friend two years ago and I’m still struggling with “did I do the right thing?” and “maybe I should call her”.
It was a great relationship for years and she was always so overly helpful in my life which made me feel guilty when things started falling apart. Our relationship turned to where I felt she thought that our lives were one and the same. I couldn’t do anything without her either being there or controlling what I was doing somehow.
It was when I started voicing my own opinions more and pulling away from her control that she began being mean and nasty to me.
Never once did she sincerely ask me “what’s wrong? Is there something I need to know about? This is hurting me and I want to know what’s going on” NEVER. It was all about how mean I was being to her.
I finally, in a fit of anger (very unlike me) told her it was over.
It was hard and I do still feel guilt but I stop and relive some of the bad stuff in my head and I get over the guilt.
HI Kris!
I ended my engagement with my fiancé about a year ago. It was super tough. We had been engaged for 5 years, but I just couldn’t walk down the isle. I knew for a while that it wasn’t totally right and I did everything I could to try and make it “right”, but it just never changed in my heart. My head had a LOT to say, but my heart and body finally got to the place where I just couldn’t continue and honestly, my health was starting to suffer. So, with my big girl panties on – I made the change. I am sooooo super happy I did it! The best part is that once I was free from the stress of the situation, I felt like I came back “home” to me and then met an amazing man. And I know I can walk down the isle for this one! The lesson – listen, honour and love yourself. You are worth it! Somehow, even if we can’t see it at the start there is something great waiting for us on the other side. We always land on our feet and when we land, we can take off running with new energy, life and hope!
Dawn
I, too, identify with this. The toxicity shows up in my body as IBS since my early 20’s. Trying to leave a 16 year relationship and the biggest fear for me is losing my health care benefits which will happen if I divorce and I’m 62. I have tried every modality out there for this IBS problem and for me it comes down to stress which equals toxicity… Frustrated and afraid to make the leap, but heading that way.
5 years ago I met what some had called my “winning lottery ticket” (he’s a multimillionaire), and my “prince charming” (a good talker). Our relationship was ‘complicated’ as he lives and owns a business in the USA (I’m in Canada). 6 months after we met, he proposed, and 6 months after that we were married. Our 1st year was magical on the surface, yet I had a knot in my stomach over how the relationship seemed ‘one-sided’. What he wanted he got, what I wanted was brushed aside; he would tell me “you don’t really want that (go there, do that). Here, I have a better idea”. Nothing that mattered to me ever seemed to matter to him.
Disrespect of my boundaries was a common theme, disappointment, and let-downs, un-kept promises, phone calls that didn’t come, days would go by past the day he was to come up to spend time with me/us with not even a phone call or email to say “geez I know I said I’d be there Friday, and now it’s Monday and I’m still not there—sorry” .
At times it got physical between him and my other child, verbal and emotional abuse was occurring daily, to the point that I had to ignore emails and phone calls that DID come because they were nasty.
I now find myself 7 months pregnant with our second child, and I had to make the ultimate choice to leave him.
ME……no money, no job (I quit my amazing career when we had our son), no vehicle (it’s in his name), and the prospect of my future is bleak, and I’ve chosen to go up against a multimillionaire!! Why? Because the unknown of my future is more comforting than the abusive, controlling life I was living. Why? Because my teenage daughter (from a previous marriage) deserves me to show her that no matter what, if someone isn’t treating you properly, you need to dig deep, find your strength and get out. Why? because I was losing myself; my inner shining light was being dulled by the mud he threw at me.
I’m scared, I feel lost. Sometimes I doubt my decision, but I know that’s just fear trying to pull me back to familiarity—I can’t stay. Taking steps in the darkness of ‘what’s next’ is the scariest thing I can do, but the monster I can see behind me has sharp teeth, no soul and is hungry for blood.
You all are so wonderful to each other. It’s very inspiring. x
I have been battling a break-up for months now. I think I have too many fears of lonliness and emptiness. I have been listening to my inner self, but just cant seem to move forward. i am stuck in the broken promises, the dreams of a future and the positive things from our relationship. I refuse to dwell on the negative and will not stoop to a negative level to get past it. I am just stuck and lonely.
Ugggghhhh…….I have survived cancer, so I KNOW I can survive this!!
Boy oh boy did this article resonate with me….after spending the majority of my adult life in a relationship with someone totally not for me (good guy but not the right one for me) and waiting until we had the house, the marriage and a beautiful child to figure it all out, it took so much for me to get over the idea that I couldn’t even recognize how unhappy I was in my relationship. I tried changing everything else until I realized that it was something inside of me that needed to change-I needed to admit to my own wants, needs and desires. I blamed him for holding me back but on the deepest level, I was holding myself back. I was the one who made all of the choices but looking back they were the best decisions I thought at the time. I just kick for myself for not listening to my inner voice. The one that told me I probably shouldn’t go through with everything.
After finalizing our divorce 1 year ago, I am proud to say I have now learned to acknowledge the whisper of my inner voice. Jumping right back into a relationship (unintentionally) which seemed like a fairy tale, I found myself going right back down the same road of feeling stuck. It took a big fight and my 3 year old daughter verbalizing exactly what I needed to hear but I did it. I left. It’s time for me. Time to be self-full. Falling in love with myself had a heck of a lot to do with giving me the strength.
When I found out I had stage 3 breast cancer I left my abusive (physically and emotionally) husband of 34 years and moved to a different island. I had to sneak out. Actually, my daughter insisted on it..great kid.
Going through chemo, radiation, surgeries, caring for an elderly woman for a place to live…I was in heaven! I would wake up in the middle of the night smiling, not wanting to go back to sleep because I wanted to cherish each moment being away from him.
If only I had done it sooner.
I am going to simply say with a tear in my eye, “THANK YOU!!!” and leave it at that.
Yes! It’s hard to get to that decision point, but once there, it’s easy, and it feels sooo much better to rid oneself of a friendship or relationship which has become unbearable. Often, the change is so gradual that it is imperceptible, and sometimes we can’t really put a finger on exactly what’s wrong. Once the decision is made to move on, it’s amazing how wonderful it feels to shed the relationship which has run its course.
Lovely article
Wow I was just about in tears reading this article. It took me so many years of pain and struggle and confusion and finally some healthy people in my life to see how toxic my marriage was (and many of my other relationships, I later found out). I just didn’t see it until some good people in my life started asking questions.
Now, looking back, I would have done things so differently. The last few years, I coped with alcohol (it just keeps you stuck even longer). That awful black-hole feeling inside of me was just too much. I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I had no self esteem left and yes, I definitely felt crazy.
I decided I didn’t want to set such an unhappy marriage as an example for our children. I wanted them to see two people who love each other and work together. I got sober, reached out and found a healthy support network, something I’d never had before. And I finally broke free of that awful relationship.
It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t trust my own bizarre thinking most of the time. The patterns of smoothing things over and keeping the calm are something I still have to work on. As we went through the divorce, my 6 year old baby girl had brain surgery with serious complications. She and I were in the hospital away from home for a month. We came home to the end of the divorce and him finally moving out a few weeks later (an indescribable relief).
Change is scary and that was a BIG change. I still see him several times a week to pick up or drop off the kids. He is still …him. But I don’t get sucked in by his negativity anymore. I am my own person now. Today, I don’t have anger toward him. I don’t blame him. I hope that someday he finds peace and happiness. It just wasn’t good for me. At all. And I have enough self-confidence and esteem to not fall into his traps anymore. His problems are his now. His negativity is his choice. It’s not how I want to live my life.
Now I have a home that I feel emotionally safe in. I can go home at night and breathe. I’ve been able to work on myself. I’ve learned the importance of being true to myself – and doing the right thing. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t making him happy either. Now I’m more content. I feel like I’m living my life, not someone else’s. And even more than that – I feel like I’m part of life again. I don’t feel stuck anymore. I’m financially broke beyond broke, a job with no advancement, no time off… and I’m happy. It’s just normal life stuff that can work itself out now. That feeling of constant struggle isn’t there anymore. Now it’s working toward things instead of fighting against them. I’m in a happy, healthy, loving relationship and wow what a difference. My children are more calm, are in activities now and excelling and growing and happy. It’s just a whole new life. It’s not perfect for sure. But it’s a good life and I’m grateful for it.
One and a bit years on, lots of soul searching and researching and the help from family, friends and Speakers including yourself from Hay House. I finally feel I am on the right road from a very toxic relationship if not narcissistic in its nature. Having experienced many traumas during a 11 year period I could never understand why I kept going back for more. Now I am dealing the things within me and doing trauma grounding and lots of meditation. To think once I stood in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit me, pleading for him to listen when I had a light bulb moment.
I have started to feel the old me coming back slowly as I heal but I have lost a lot of memory due to shut down, although some is return during meditation.
At 61 I feel I can at last live my life without fear of what is to come and the emotional hold he had has started to dissipate if not completely gone although it saddens me that I fooled myself for so long. But dealing with emotions is never easy and much harder as you get older. Especially when you are normally a very rational person in other areas of your life.
So I hope this helps others when I say ” there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can forgive them but most of all you can forgive yourself!”
Thank you all but this doesn’t seem enough.
Terry, Coventry, England
How do you all feel about breaking it off with your own father? I am 26 and he has been so detrimental to my health and well being since I was a teenager. Our relationship is so dysfunctional and it makes me so sad inside that our relationship continues to be totally draining on me. My mom says that its important for me to have my dad in my life, because he’s my dad, but at every try to make a go of it, I end up crying and upset for his lack of understanding. By the way, my mom and dad are divorced. We’ve been to counseling, and ended up more frustrated. I even had the opportunity to tape an argument we had and brought that into one of my solo counseling sessions. My counselor has helped with trying to “handle” my dad in certain situations, but it doesn’t last very long. I have asked my dad to give me space and not see or call me for a while. He has honored that and I feel so free and a weight is off my shoulders. I feel happier, because I’m around people who I can be happy with, and my dad is not one of them. So, back to my original question, what do you think about breaking it off with my dad?
I just did that after 50 years. There comes a point in your life while in the dysfunctional relationship that you have to do what you feel is right for YOU – your health and your emotional well-being depend on you !! No one can live your life for you and it is YOURS alone. You need to take care of YOUR needs first! You can do it. It might be hard to do, but there comes a time when you just have to e-x-h-a-l-e, release the negative and be done!
Hi Kris, thanks for being a mentor of mine. When I read this post, I had just finished (belatedly) putting up some workplace boundaries. I found the process to be so difficult! Over the course of about a year and a half at the job, I experienced more negativity than I had ever encountered in my entire life. My employer said it was because I was finally “swimming with the sharks”, i.e. “in the real world now”….but honestly, it just felt like a really really dysfunctional workplace. One that has been built and reinforced that way for 3 decades. While working, I would find myself daydreaming about a life where I did not dread reading emails, attending meetings or interacting with other members of my “team”. There were definitely times when I was very close to walking away, and then my employer or other colleagues in the field would say things that made me feel guilty for even entertaining the idea of leaving. It is a field with very good objectives, and laudable goals. In fact, they would make it seem like I had a “duty” to be there, that I now had this kind of sacred responsibility to do this work at any cost to myself, my family or my community. I am now on a “break” from that workplace, and in the process of reflecting on what my next step will be. I just want to make as positive a contribution as possible in the world, but am seriously doubting whether this is the field where I will do that. At any rate, your words came to be just in time to shore me up against yet another scenario where my willpower crumbled and I acquiesced yet again to their positioning. Thanks so much.
Such a great post Kris
I agree with leaving a toxic relationship, yet I’m wondering what to do when the toxic relationship is a parent-in-laws, what do I do to support my partner with her parents and I still keep my own sanity.
We are unfortunately living with them (just moved countries) at the moment and won’t be moving out for at least 6 weeks, any suggestions on, living in a emotionally stressful environment without alienating the Out-laws?
Thanks Donna
The last romantic relationship I was in before my husband was so toxic even now I cannot figure out why I stayed. I decided I wanted to end it but I didn’t feel strong enough. For months I decided to spend my time and attention on my other healthy relationships with family and friends. Finally I realized I had no need to continue in the bad relationship and I just let it go. No drama, no threats, no anything, I just said… you know this doesn’t work for me anymore. I really wish you the best.
My current toxic relationships are friends that just suck the life out of people… they want, they need, they complain, they are just negative negative negative and never seem to give anything…. to anyone at all. For those I decided finding the boundaries that would keep me sane worked best. Funny but when you don’t want to spend all day getting worked up about their every little problem they tend to find someone else to complain to.
I am living with cancer for the last four years. I am on the gorgeous spirit filled island of Kauai with one of two sons for a week of healing and relationship as I write this. Letting go and holding on. My relationship with cancer is the hardest relationship because I need the few healthy people I know to support and be here now as I navigate choices. Anyway aloha and thanks for your article. Love your stuff. Sometimes I just want to move somewhere like this and forget about all this cancer stuff….
This also applies to other relationships in your life such as friendships. Honestly, that’s what first came to mind when you said toxic relationships. It can be very hard to let a friend go whom you love and care about but does nothing for you. As of last week, I let a very good friend (also somewhat ex) go because everything he represented to me was toxic even though we love each other so much. He was never supportive of my new boyfriend but I always brushed it off. Jealousy is not something you should surround yourself by. It was very hard and still is to know I won’t see him again in any regard but it has uplifted me.