Kris Carr

Kris Carr

Emotional Health

Toxic Relationship Signs

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Hiya Gorgeous!

As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.

In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.

Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.

While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”

But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

Let’s get brave and tell the truth.

Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.

Questions to ponder:

  • Is the pain too great to stay the same?
  • Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
  • Do I need a translator to be heard?
  • Is it impossible to make boundaries?
  • Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
  • Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
  • Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
  • Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
  • Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
  • If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
  • Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
  • Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
  • Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
  • Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
  • Do I find myself missing the old me?
  • And so on…

If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.

 

How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships

Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.

I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.

The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.

Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.

Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.

Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.

Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.

Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.

Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.

Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.

If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.

What’s on the other side of change?

Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.

Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.

Peace & bag packing,

 
 
Add a comment
  1. It took me 10 years to finally leave. I have 4 children with a man that never loved me! Why did it take so long? I held on to the idea of our family, of growing old together, of our problems coming from cultural differences, of his insecurities, I was the one with recognition and paying the bills.
    I finally left when the emotional abuse escalated to threats of physical violence. My children and I moved back to the states, I had been living abroad for 20 years. No money, no child support, but no anxiety daily abuse. Then I found out, of course- I mean it’s text book trite isn’t it, about all the cheating. Then after a couple years I was diagnosed with cancer from hpv viruses.
    I have never once doubted my decision, but I can not say that I have moved on. Emotional abuse takes it’s toll. Therapy, friends, knowledge, it all helps but there is still that voice inside my head that keeps me from
    holding my head up high and marching forward.
    I’m so happy to have found this website, and in my case as I am sure in many others my health was directly affected by my toxic relationship. It’s amazing to me how many people go through this, I know that finding these stories helped me tremendously at the time to come to the realization that it would never change.
    Chris, as an artist, I have to tell you I admire your courage in being so personal. I’m sure you never imagined in a million years that this would be your life’s work, look how many people you have inspired and helped. Thanks.

  2. Claudia says:

    I left a toxic job of 7 years this last December. It was heart wrenching. I worked for my church and Pastor. Talk about guilt. My trust in anyone was shattered. It was a long winter this year but now I am healing and joyous beyond relief. I noticed that after I left, I kept beating myself up. I finally realized that I continued where he had left off. With each step of healing and the freedom to grow there has been joy. Thank you for this article. It was just confirmation to keep moving forward and don’t look back. It is great to be me again!

  3. Lorraine Caposole says:

    Thank you Chris. So WELL SAID! I am trying, while encountering all types of new relationships. I’ve been, three years in a new town, about to move into my own home and add roots to my fresh start. It hasn’t been easy but my wings are stronger. I’m so happy that I have persevered and been truer to myself then ever before. Yes, your Post resonated with me!

  4. Josie A says:

    Excellent article. I just ended a 20 year marriage. 15 of it was arguing with myself about how I should be able to keep it together (for the kids). I lost myself in the process. When I was forced to decide to end the relationship (a betrayal involving our kids), I feel like a new person! I did not realize how much of my spirit and self esteem was drained by that relationship. The best advice is to tell yourself the truth (and stop having a fantasy relationship). I highly recommend http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ to help with that.
    Thanks Kris!
    Jo

  5. Linda Ursin says:

    I’m in one, which answers most of the above with yes. It’s been 22 years, we have a daughter and a lot of debt. Plus I want to stay here, I don’t want to move. So there’s a lot to figure out and solve before I can end it.

    • Marie says:

      My heart goes out to you. I’ve been there in different ways. It’s been a journey but there is light, i promise. It seems so many of us women have to make it through some well, kick a** soul searching and tests but if you can hang in there I know you’ll figure it out. A good friend once told me, “you’re always on the right path FOR YOU, just figure out the lessons”. God I was POd at the time but they were right. I’m not religious but the serenity prayer got me through alot and reading others stories and support.

      Marie. xx

  6. Jean Marie says:

    What a hot topic! I had a friend for over 40 years, and we broke up recently. We were spending inordinate amounts of time discussing and analyzing our relationship—-and soon we wrung out all the fun. That’s right—the toxicity was apparent–because we no longer laughed or created mischief together! And what is the point if there is no longer any humor or playfulness? I finally learned she was ashamed of her heavy drinking, and I wondered why we even held on to the friendship when our values and lifestyles were so different—given I rarely drink. Now I make sure I surround myself with friends with common values and who love to laugh and celebrate life!

  7. Kerri says:

    Today I had a pretty perfect day. While I was relishing the moments on the train home, I thought about a few people that had to exit stage left for me to reach this point. The award speech thanks all those that provide support. Yet, this moment is brought to you by the “Life Lessons Learned” and those we’ve left at the fork in the road to find their own way.
    Thanks Kris, timely as ever.

  8. Soul searcher says:

    Thankyou thank you thank you for the words we all know but never have the courage to use for ourselves
    I so needed this reminded to me of the soul sucking friend that emotionally bashed me when things didn’t go his way

  9. blossom says:

    4 years together. 10 months travelling, said goodbye at an international airport (with the intention of flying home separately and meeting up back at home)……got home, fell to bits, decided to end the relationship and havent seen him since. Of course there has been lots of phone contact in between, but we live on different sides of the country so no ‘bumping into’ one another. Grief is good. I’ve spent the 12 months since then not turning away from the gut-wrenching-ness of the situation and trying to focus my energies into whats best for me. I have had an AH-MAZING support crew, incredibly blessed for their unconditional love + ways of being. Its not enough to say the process was huge – its been life changing. I carried a lot of guilt for the way of ending it; but I know that I did the best I could at the time with the resources available to me (I was a bit of a toxic mess, poor spirit completely zapped)…and I keep learning. I havent been on any dates or had any flings, it just doesn’t feel right just yet. The biggest gift to come from this has been increased trust and faith in my ability to make decisions that are best for me.

  10. jamie says:

    I am leaving a toxic relationship now, and this post really gave me a boost. It has been way to lohg to let myself be so unhappy, I have known for years. Now I want to release mine and his wasted energy. I look forward to finding happiness.

  11. Oooooh wow- this post really got to me today, thank you darling Kris.

    After returning from a trip abroad, the overwhelming feeling I came home with that I had to be ‘me’ now more than ever and not resist the changes that my gut was telling me had to happen for my health, happiness and wellbeing. I’ve read about people taking big leaps in their lives and finally letting change happen, but it’s another thing to feel it yourself.

    Thank you so much Kris for continuing to inspire us Kris- have a beautiful day!
    Katie x

    • blossom says:

      definitely agree – it took a trip abroad for my eyes to be opened too…..and i havent looked back!!

  12. Simone says:

    Having just gotten out of a 13 year marriage that had fallen apart the last two years (my husband got pretty abusive at the end), I connected with another man I’d been attracted to for years who has turned out to have narcissistic tendencies and a really negative worldview. Ahhh! I guess it’s time for me to let go of men for a while and figure out why I’m into the sorts of men I’m into and trust my intuition. I’m exhausted. Anyway, this post came at a perfect time-I’ve been doing energy work and meditation to try to let go-as well as cut the last guy out completely. As you said, no need to talk anymore, it’s finito.

  13. Enisie says:

    Loved your post. It resonated with me in a most profound way. Could answer yes to almost all the questions. BUT… nearly over 45 years relationship and mental health of partner, emotional entanglement, interdependence… it all feels unsurmountable at this stage of life. May be the reason for the ache in my left breast and arm? You young ones listen to your friend Kris and take heed… you deserved fulfilment and happiness now and you are the architect of your own destiny. Just as I have been mine. I have been told it took courage to stay… BUT I feel that it was just lack of courage that kept me in place, and perhaps that addiction that Faye spoke of re the narcissistic behaviours. Expert manipulation is hard to pull away from especially if you are not particularly clever at manipulation yourself and you care and you are trying to consider the effects on your family and your partner is unable to see the effect of his/her behaviour. BUT… it does take 2 to Tango… it’s a shame we just keep treading on each others toes!! I know I’m not lost… just stuck (in a quagmire)… weighed down by all the BUT’s. Now I just have to figure out how to start unloading the BUT’s so I can step up onto dry land and see the “new” that’s out there…before I get dementia and forget what I’m trying to achieve!

  14. Sasha Yunkers says:

    Thank-you Kris!

    It’s too funny or just karmic timing, But I was having an appointment with my Dr/friend today (who now lives far, far away, but was seeing patients today only, while here in Sonoma County for a few days.) We were speaking about my 14 year dysfunctional/unhealthy relationship and he said;
    “Sasha, you know what to do to heal yourself,literally & metaphorically. You have know intuitively & consciously for years…It’s time to really do your work and allow yourself the freedom to let your body (spirit) heal.”
    So, GGGRrrlll-friend~ I thank-you for your inspiration and lil’road map, as i have tried to do this many times and always fail myself…No longer!!!
    IT’S TIME!
    Positive thoughts my way and blessings, love and light your way~
    Thank-you once again.
    Warmest regards, Sasha.

  15. Sergio says:

    Truly powerful. I’m going to have to read this again! Helpful reminder when your down and out for leaving from somewhere you stayed to long at -when its had its dramatic effects on you! Great reminder to remain in guilt, but to unveil that splendid you underneath it all -still there!

  16. julie says:

    oh yes, just what the doctor ordered. Done yelling, moaning, complaining and wishing my husband would change! Done planning, excuse making, searching for the crystal ball and worrying about my almost grown children (they will bounce back, but my soul will shrivel up and die if I stay with their father) Taking the plunge after 25 years of marriage. Ready or not, here I come …. To be continued in my next chapter 🙂
    I love you posts by the way!

  17. Maria says:

    Thank you soooooo much Kris for this blog… You are awesome and the timing is remarkable!

  18. Bea says:

    I wish I knew what to do about my toxic relationship, with my mother-in-law.
    If I ask myself the questions above, almost all the answers are yes. However, cutting her out entirely would be very difficult and potentially not worth the fallout. My husband is wonderful and supportive of my/our attempts to maintain healthy boundaries. However, I’m not ok with asking him to cut her off, and I know if he were to maintain that relationship alone, it would NOT be healthy for our marriage. (We’ve spoken with a counselor who agreed.)
    We also have kids, and while MIL is not stable or trustworthy, it has worked so far to supervise contact closely. Otherwise, they might never see their grandfather, aunts, uncles, or cousins on this side of the family either. While it makes perfect sense to end my relationship– we’ve already tried everything else!– it would take ending several other people’s relationships to truly excise the toxic person from my life. I’m still reeling from Father’s Day weekend. Also, since we live only a few miles apart in a small town, we’d have to sell our house and move, or get a restraining order, to end the constant encroachment.
    My biggest fear is that I will become sick and unable to keep things under control any longer. It takes so much work, and I’m willing to put in the effort for the benefit of my family, but I do resent that the relationship is most costly, and least beneficial, to me.

  19. Marie says:

    I’ve ended a few toxic connections…friends, family and lovers. What I learned in (finally) in my forties was that I was recreating my family and attracting those who were emotionally unavailable and or narcissistic too often and and didnt share my core values while i rejected those who were loving and loyal. Though I’m still with my partner of 16 yrs we’ve gone through very painful times. I can relate to Kris with broken glasses, smashed phones, and curled up in the shower sobbing trying to deal with an overload of pain, loss and confusion. What we know as of three yrs ago is he was struggling with undiagnosed ADHD and depression. He has stuck with his treatment and while its not perfect…who or what is…it’s so much better. We’ve adopted Dr Phil’s motto of progress not perfection. Will we make it? I’ve learned to just accept what is. What’s harder? Forgiveness. It will be my spiritual practice for a lifetime. Thank you to everyone who shared their story including Kris. At times I’ve been ashamed of my emotions and unsure of my choice to disconnect but you’ve all helped me a bit more today.

    Love, peace, healing and LAUGHTER for all of us, xox

  20. M says:

    I just ended a toxic relationship of a different kind — a job of four years that I was too scared to abandon because of the comfortable pay. But when I say toxic, I mean it: manipulative bi-polar boss, unrealistic, unclear job description, no respect, no appreciation, and a work environment that was feeding some very negative habits. I’m free now, and that relief is far more present in my life than the stress of looking for a new job or transitioning into a new routine. I am so glad I did it. When you get through the hard part, you never regret looking out for #1.

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