Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
Wow, well put Kris! I just ended a relationship with a someone who has NPD. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) Although, I didn’t know until after I was out of the relationship, that there was a term for it. I felt like something was ‘off’ the entire time I was with him but I could quite pinpoint it at first. As time went on and his true colours started to show, that’s when I started to see the what I felt was justified. But I continued to stay because I was brainwashed into thinking he was so wonderful. Even tho I knew he was extremely selfish and un-empathetic. It was a year of hell because I didn’t realize I was being manipulated. Fighting with this man was gut wrenchingly awful…nothing was ever his fault. He had a magical way of turning things on me and making me doubt myself if I started to challenge his behaviours. By the end of the argument I was exhausted emotionally and physically and wondered if it really was all my fault. Yikes! If you feel like you are being manipulated and feel like something is off and you don’t feel healthy and always are drained – you should do further research on toxic relationships, manipulation, and narcissistic personality disorder. I was searching for toxic relationships and manipulation when I discovered NPD. When you end a relationship with someone who has this, it’s so much worse then ending something that wasn’t toxic. But YOU WILL SURVIVE!!! You just might need a little extra help from the wonderful resources on line, counsellors, books, and spiritual teachers. No one knows what it’s like to be with a narcissist until they have been there themselves. I just wanted to bring up this in hopes that it might help someone else. If your intuition is telling you something is wrong – get on line or go to the bookstore and the right information will come to you 🙂 You will find great articles like this as well as a some amazing people on youtube who have great insight to help you understand what you are going through. The one thing I know about toxic relationships is that you will not feel yourself if you are romantically involved with someone who is not good for you. Your friends and family might even see it, making comments like “you don’t seem like yourself” . Take heart though, it will be tough but you will find the strength to leave a toxic relationship. You are not alone! So many others have found the courage to do it and you will too! Love to all.
Thank you so much for writing this.
Going through breast cancer has taught me a great deal, especially that in addition to having a physical immune system, I also have a spiritual one. I ended a toxic friendship when I went through chemo and am very proud of myself for doing so. I learned that I need to surround myself with people who lift me up and make positive choices in my life.
May we all continue to go from strength to strength!
j
Wow thank you SO much Kris for this deeply inspiring post!! I’ve also been in a very dysfunctionnal relationship for one year and half, and 7 months ago I found the energy to leave, even though I was madly in “love” with my ex. I must admit I had a terrible, desperatly sad winter, but now I feel so proud of myself for having the courage to let go. After several months of self-discipline (yoga every day, mantras, positive thinking and sticking to a fairly strict veggie diet), I’m noticing a rise in my creativity and my joy level is just exponential!! I know the road is long but I’m on my way back to happiness and that feels sooo good! Thanks again Kris for your beautiful weekly posts;-)
I left my marriage to a man I had been with for nearly 20 years. Everything was so out of balance, it’s taken me nearly 18 months of work with a wonderful coach to find out how I even feel about some things – I was so numb and tuned out, ya know? It had gotten to the point where i needed to search around for something to grip onto to get me through the day; meanwhile my husband had me second guessing myself, questioning my own sanity (am I going crazy??) and when he wasn’t subliminally putting me or someone else I cared about down, he was combing through my garbage can and reading my texts, accusing me of being “up to something” because he “could smell it”. Well, he was right, I guess, I was up to something: I rented a beautiful house on a lake in another province 1400 km away and called the moving company. It’s taken me these 18 months of healing time to know me again, and man, am I awesome! Thanks xoxo
Hi, Kris!
Lots of great advice for folks who are with someone who drains them, etc, but what do you do if you suspect YOU are the toxic one in the relationship? I have a very kind, very supportive boyfriend, but I feel like I am always sabotaging it – I’m cranky and mean for no real reason. I don’t know how to stop it, it seems totally automatic. I want to be the partner he deserves and the person I know I can be, but I just keep messing up.
Thanks!
heather
In case Kris doesn’t reply. I know for me finding a good therapist to talk to was key. She had shared experiences in life and was objective where my friends could not be. She helped me to see what my stuff was and what belonged to others (and not to hand others stuff back to them…ahem). It took a few years of hard work but I’m much more aware of where I was acting from fear. As Ellen says, be kind to yourself (but honest too). At least you are asking the questions, right? First step. Good luck.
Thank, Marie!
I think that’s a really good idea. I know I need help, and family and friends won’t (and can’t) be as subjective and honest as I would need them to be!
I’ll start looking into finding a good therapist 🙂
Thanks again! I really appreciate your kindness and taking the time to help a stranger.
Heather, most likely you are not toxic if you are self aware enough to see your hurting your partner. Maybe your actions are because you are not happy there and need some time off to figure out what you want? I know that’s usually the case for me when grumpiness starts to take over…..
Thank you, thank you, Kris for posting this and sharing. It was timely.
I really like this blog post. It completely resonated with me. What if the person you need to break up with is your 13 yr old step-daughter? Obviously I can’t end the relationship, she is with us half the time. How can I take these principles and apply them to someone who will remain in my life?
Wow, this really hit home for me. For me, the toxic relationship is with my mother. I probably would have released it a while back, but I am a mom myself and I’m not sure how to explain it to my daughter (she’s just 7). They are virtually strangers, but still … I am hung up on this aspect of it. Thank you, I will save this page and read it many times, I’m sure.
Thank You So Much
This was perfect timing for me. My husband just told me yesterday he wants a divorce and there is no salvaging our marriage. I have been gutted, but the truth is that as much as we love each other, it hasn’t been a great time. I’ve been stressed and crazy since we moved in with each other. I see this manifested in a strange double vision issue I developed. I’m scared to move on with out him, but I am determined to find the strength to create a better life.
I’m a mother whose only child, a daughter, has basically disowned me – and I do not really even know why. She refuses to discuss it with me; when I have tried, she goes on the defensive and screams at me and hangs up the phone. Because of my two darling grandchildren, there is still physical contact, maybe three times a year even though they live just 25 miles from me. I get to see my grandkids for their birthdays and for Christmas; this year we did not have Christmas together until February 1 because that was the first open date she had for a nothing/nobody like me. I so much enjoy seeing the children, but that’s only for a couple of hours and they really do not have a chance to get to know me and I am aware that I am not mentioned in their household. When my daughter is forced to have contact with me, she never greets me in any manner, just starts talking – never says goodbye, just leaves. I am not called Mom, that’s reserved for her mother-in-law – I just have no name at all unless I am referred to as Grandma with the kids. I am an old woman now, all alone, poor health yet I am never asked how I am doing/feeling, how things are, etc. My daughter has screamed and yelled at me via the phone and called me horrible things and told me that I am not her mother and that she is more adamant about that as she gets older – she’s in her early 40s now. She has always picked me up and put me down at her convenience; sometimes did not hear from her for long periods of time until she needed something from me. If I call her cell, I have been told not to leave a message because it uses up her minutes and she will call me back when she sees that I have called – but I might have to wait 12 or more days for her to get around to me. I can email, but may never get a response unless I ask about gift suggestions for the kids. I have tried to tell myself that I don’t need this aggravation at this point in my life, but it’s so hard to want to be loved and needed and just meet with indifference. My daughter posted a wall of family photos in her home and there are pictures of all types of relatives, but not one of me. If I ask that she take photos of me and the kids when we are together, she does not care if the photos are good or bad.
I asked her once if she wanted to be called in case of emergency if anything ever happened to me and there was no response. I need help trying to survive this situation. I’m all alone, I’m depressed and medicine can’t fix me,and I don’t know how anyone can be treated so badly by someone who has only been loved and protected and provided for by a person who always loved her so dearly. I was loving but strict, tried to raise my daughter with good morals, faith and a work ethic. I have never deliberately hurt anyone in my life but when I leave this world, I will leave it alone and with nothing to show that I ever lived. My mother hated and verbally/mentally/emotionally abused me my entire life, my husband cheated on me, my daughter has disowned me – and I don’t have a clue why this is how my life has turned out. Very hard to live as an invisible person! Best regards to all of you, I hope you take positive steps forward in your lives as circumstances deem for each of you.
Hi Marie,
I just wanted to say that I read your post here about your daughter and I know how awful you must feel. My mom often feels this way about her kids. Though I know we are much kinder to her than your daughter is. My mom often complains of feeling really alone and that if she died no one would know. I don’t live by her but my sister does and often my mom feels that my sister is ignoring her. My mom has been very hurt by several things my sister has said and done though my sister does feel she is doing her best to be apart of my moms life. I am busy with my kids and my career and I make time for my mom but not as much time as she would like so I know she often feels left out of my life. My sister is very alternative in her life style and doesn’t always feel like she can share her views with my mom. So a lot of the loneliness comes from these differences and the fact that both my sister and I are quite busy. We love our mom though but she feels we only call her when we need something. My sister gets really annoyed that my mom feels this way where as I can see how she would feel this way because she is a very sensitive and introverted person. My mom gets her feelings hurt very easily and often it seems to get in the way of her being out going and a little more resilient. But I see it as this is just how she is wired. But I think my point is that for what ever reason it feels irreconcilable because my mom will always be hyper sensitive and we may just always be a little insensitive. My mom gets really crunchy when her feelings get hurt and then with my sister that makes her defensive and they go in an endless loop. My sister suggested family therapy for everyone so these issues can be worked out but my mom felt my sister was saying she was crazy, so that just made the wedge worse. So it’s pretty hopeless, and though its not as bad as your intuition from my moms perspective it might as well be, it’s really awful and painful for her and I know it hurts her in a way that sucks out her energy and makes her feel worthless. I feel so sad for my mom but the truth is she often has a certain type of negativity because of this that makes it hard to be around her. She suffers from constant feelings of emptiness and being abandoned and before it was about other people like her mother or brother or past partners and now the focus has shifted to my sister. I am afraid to live to close to her because I know she would then feel I am responsible for her unhappiness. But at the same time I know my mom is lonely and being alone is very painful. I really feel for her and anyone else who is in this situation because what can you do? Often she will get to the point that he is going to cut my sister out of her life, but then my mom would be even more alone…. And at least in this situation though my sister is not very skillfull she does love my mom very much and does help her often. I think in your situation though you may need to make some boundaries with your daughter. I know she will think you are even more terrible and you may feel that way about making boundaries, but if her influence in your life is hurting you then I would go see a good therapist and discover the tools needed to protect yourself from a toxic relationship. A good therapist will help you find your voice and your dignity. It sounds like this situation robs you of your dignity and binds your voice. It’s ok to tell her you feel she treats you terribly and because its hurting you so much you can not be available right now…. And then see someone you feel can help you reclaim and heal those broken pieces because often after that happens a whole new relationship can develop, either with that person or instead of that person. But you can’t do the therapy hoping it will help the relationship, you have to do it to heal your pain. Some daughters are just not good daughters. Just like some parents are not good parents. It’s equally shocking. So you just have to find a way to heal yourself and therapy is a really good way to start that process. I hope this helps.
Opps Typos**
“intuition” meant to read as “situation”. And any “he” is meant a “she”….
This “break up” can also happen with a family member. That can add an extra element of stress. It’s much harder to just walk away, like it would with a love interest. Not to mention the emotional baggage and guilt other family members put on you.
But how do you get rid of toxic relationship when it involves your siblings? Anybody has any suggestions?
Depending on what’s going on, you may still just need to do it and deal with the repercussions from other family members (including your parents if they’re around).
I have a close friend who cut off contact with her siblings after they refused to recognize her (same-sex) marriage. She’s had to face a lot of pressure from her parents to back down, but it’s overall been a very good thing for her.
Great Qs to ponder & prompt us to do the right/self-loving thing. Which really means releasing all that is toxic.
Powerful post Kris, thank you.
yOU ALWAYS FIND JUST THE PERFECT WORDS TO HELP OTHERS — if I WOULD HAVE READ THIS YEARS AGO, I’m SURE IT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME ALOT OF GREIF. thank you & gOD bLESS YOU!!!
Hi Kris
This post really resonated with me. I spend most of my waking hours trying to figure out how to get out of my marriage. Just reading your words and the comments is causing me anxiety.
I knew 12 years ago that I no longer wanted to be with my husband. I initiated leaving twice but have never followed through. The whole thing overwhelms me and I panic but I’m not sure what scares me the most.
I have a daughter and I worry about her but I also worry about what she is learning by observing my behaviour in the marriage. I have fibromyalgia and feel unwell most of the time. I believe the symptoms are from the stress but still I can’t leave. Makes me feel crazy.
Thank you for the post and thank you to those making comments. Obviously I am not alone in finding this a very difficult thing to do.
WOW – I am so this person – thank-you for the pep talk
Books that helped me clean house on the wrong relationships I was hoarding: Trapped in the Mirror, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and The Sociopath Next Door
Hi Kris, I thank you for writing this. Reading it got me into sharing it to my Facebook friends and here’s what I wrote as introduction:
“I am a follower of Kris Carr, who I came to know of through the cancer (LMS) mailing list I subscribe to. My discovery of juicing was enhanced through the emails I receive from her on a weekly basis. Here’s one which I received today and which really hit home. I have been through in the past of releasing a toxic relationship, as she terms it, and it was very difficult to go through, something, which I thought at first, to be impossible to accomplish. And yet I did it and am now enjoying the freedom and the happiness of living with someone who is near perfect a husband any woman could have ever asked for. I am again in the process of releasing another toxic relationship, after identifying it lately as the one adding too much a burden to my already over-burdened shoulder, and I am experiencing this “posing” mode at the moment. This is because of my stubborn attitude of not easily giving up! The same way I prolonged my agony in the past, thinking that the person I finally broke up a legal relationship with before, will change for the better. This very practical advice of Kris will surely help me get through this latest toxic relationship. But don’t get me wrong, it is not with someone romantically involved with me. It is with someone who I have been helping to stand on his own two feet, someone not related to me by blood, who has now become abusive of my kindness and benevolence. I hope, too, that Kris’ advice will help those who are now undergoing the process of getting rid of the “unwanteds” in their life . . .”
And here’s an added post: “Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.” – this is one part in the article which really hit home! I think the only way for me to get out from it is by accepting that I cannot FIX the person, and by so doing, I can do the rest of releasing him from my responsibilities. It is high time that I learn to accept that not all people are designed to be good – no matter how you try to make them good and productive. . .
Freda
Dear Kris,
WOW! Did I ever need to hear your words this morning . . . I’ve felt so alone in this decision, and then I opened my mail . . . there you were “on my side.” The toxic relationship I am trying escape from is my church. Oh I know . . . Blasphemy! Sacrilege! Who dares to speak ill of one’s church.
It’s no longer the church where I once thought I could find a sanctuary of love and acceptance . . . a spot of solace, peace. Not so. Today I find bigotry, empty platitudes, discord and rigid spinelessness. After 70+ years I find the reason for the empty pew is that the church is an empty shell of its former self.
I finally feel strong enough to run away from its phony, saccharin atmosphere and return to my inner sanctum which is a 108-year-old farm where the work may be dusty and endless but is most satisfying and the solitude is sublime . . . it is also a place where I am surrounded by tranquility . . . sans a building topped by a cross.
Thank you for all your support and yummy food ideas.
Dear Jean,
I abandoned my church too! Good for you. The love and acceptance there was built on rgidity and too many rules to make any sense at all. I have come to believe that God is love, and God and love are in each one of us. Religion is not spirituality. It sounds like you have spirituality and that is the best essence to have. Namaste, Christina