Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
Thanks for starting this conversation Kris, and thanks to all who are sharing! Reading through the comments actually makes me feel human and better. So often we tend to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and it’s rarely the case.
On one month of bedrest in Dec 2009 I prayed and prayed for clarity and received it. I’d survived over 3 years of chronic appendicitis, and years and years of unrelenting betrayal and stress with a severely emotionally disturbed husband. I knew I needed out but was stuck. I made plans to get independent, and took the leap of faith one year later. It’s been a brutal and oppressive 3-year court divorce I am still enduring (he’s wealthy and powerful) – but I’m happier and
healthier OUT. I would get out earlier if only I could go back – for my kids’ health and my own. Blessings, All.
This is so true, but very difficult for me. I’m in a toxic relationship with my husband and it’s affecting our children. I’m so exhausted and although I know what to do, I do not have the courage to go through it. I’m scared and afraid in many levels. People will be shocked. They think he’s the greatest guy, friend, husband and father. He’s not, but I’m no angel either. I just want to be happy. Including our kids and him…And I can’t fake “happy” anymore.
This post really spoke to me. After years of struggling to build a healthy relationship with my mother, I finally decided to take a six month “break” away from her to try and discover if it is worth trying to pursue the relationship or not. I really like the questions you’ve posed, and after being honest with myself, I think I can finally see that the relationship is toxic. It never is easy walking away, but I agree that constant struggle is not part of a health-full life. Thank you for your words of wisdom!
Recently got out of a six year relationship that was very dysfunctional and toxic for me. I allowed this person to pour buckets of pain on me again and again and again & over the course of time, completely gave away my power. I’m now in the process of grieving the end of the relationship (or the shattering of the illusion of the relationship) and, more importantly, doing the deep work of figuring out WHY I participated in such an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship; why I allowed myself to be so devalued. It’s hard stuff but necessary for moving on to a healthier life.
Not sure if it is cool to reference other resources here, but Natalie Lue’s website http://www.baggagereclaim.com has been a lifeline through this process. She is very helpful in helping readers get very clear about identifying toxic relationships, evaluating how they work (or don’t) in our lives and ultimately leaving them. The advice that’s been most helpful is that of putting the focus back on me, my life and what I value. (As opposed to constantly ruminating about him.) I have a long way to go and much work to do but feel very optimistic that getting out of this toxic relationship is a life-changing act of love that is going to improve my life tremendously.
I send love and best wishes to all readers here who are going through this difficult process. MANY THANKS for this wonderful post.
Recently got out of a six year relationship that was very dysfunctional and toxic for me. I allowed this person to pour buckets of pain on me again and again and again & over the course of time, completely gave away my power. I’m now in the process of grieving the ned of the relationship (or the shattering of the illusion of the relationship) and, more importantly, doing the deep work of figuring out WHY I participated in such an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship; why I allowed myself to be so devalued. It’s hard stuff but necessary for moving on to a healthier life.
Not sure if it is cool to reference other resources here, but Natalie Lue’s website http://www.baggagereclaim.com has been a lifeline through this process. She is very helpful in helping readers get very clear about identifying toxic relationships, evaluating how they work (or don’t) in our lives and ultimately leaving them. The advice that’s been most helpful is that of putting the focus back on me, my life and what I value. (As opposed to constantly ruminating about him.) I have a long way to do and much work to do but feel very optimistic that getting out of this toxic relationship is a life-changing act of love that is going to improve my life tremendously.
I send love and best wishes to all readers here who are going through this difficult process. MANY THANKS for this wonderful post.
all i can say is…thank you
Thanks Kris.
Serendipitous this post came today – and from you. Many people in the last couple weeks have said you and I need to connect… but it seems I was too focused on the relationships that weren’t serving me… I realized that last night … and then I wake up to this….
We need positives in our lives and things (people included) that serve our greater purpose.
Thanks for the reminder.
Love + Light
Jen
I broke up with a friend a while ago, who was really toxic to me. We both have illnesses that often make it hard to socialize, so we had established, when we became friends, that we could do things like cancel at the last minute or just plain say no to social events.
Sadly, she rarely did, and I needed to, and eventually, she would lose it and blame me for not being there. She would ask for a ‘meeting’ so we could discuss our friendship and basically tell go on to tell me how bad I was as a friend. She would tell me that our relationship was one where I depended on her and she needed me to depend on her, but then would blame me for not showing up when I was really sick.
She got pregnant and was in a very unstable relationship, and things just got worse. I did not want to be around them because it stressed me out so much. Their relationship was so stressful, and I couldn’t stand to know that that poor kid was stuck in the middle.
So I saw her less and less, and eventually she called for one of those meetings and I told her that it was enough. I couldn’t go on like we had anymore. I told her why I thought the relationship was toxic to me, how it affected me, without blaming her. I just told her how I felt. She told me she never imagined I could be so mean and that it she would see if she still wanted to be my friend later on. For me it was over right then and there. I am not a mean person. I did feel the need to be honest, but there was no blame.
Anyway, it’s been months now and I still wonder how she’s doing sometimes, but I’m glad I ended it, even if it was hard to do. Truth is, I had been thinking about it for a while before I did.
This post could not have come at a better time. I am currently struggling to end an 11 year relationship (married for 6 years) with 2 children ages 3 and 5. Over the past 5-6 years I began to notice that I was not feeling “fulfilled” in our relationship so I figured it was time to have a family. I love my kids, but I realize today that was not the problem. The problem was we are just not compatible with each other on many levels and we were already drifting apart and not growing together and the signs were showing. The man I married is a good man, but we never communicated in any way, he would shut me out for days if he was upset about something and I was left trying to “figure it out” if it was me or something else, and I would try and talk to him only to get a “nothings wrong” response. We never did anything as a couple, especially when the kids came along. We are not at all intimate – no cuddling, hugs, kisses, sex, no I love you’s etc… I never received compliments and I generally felt taken for granted being a wife and mother doing everything to keep the household together. I began feeling very lonely. I even told him I was lonely only to get a “make some friends” response. He did his own thing, working in our home office most nights on his work until bedtime or puttering in the garage doing “projects”. I would cry a lot and would never be asked what was wrong. He just never listened to me and I honestly felt like he checked out of the relationship. i felt un-loved and unsatisfied for a long long time. Since having our kids especially I just feel like we are two people tolerating each other, living together raising kids. Any time he traveled for work I noticed a big change in my mood. I felt great and free and my mood would automatically be lifted. It was a big wake up call for me in noticing how I felt. He was gone for 14 days the beginning of 2013 and I felt great and relaxed. I fianlly drummed up the courage to tell him how I felt and that I did not feel like we had a relationship anymore. Of course this came as a complete shock to him and man do I feel guilty. My guilt for hurting him is holding me back right now. I am trying to drum up the strength to move on with my life. I need to. Now he is doing everything in his power to keep me. The problem is the way he is acting is making me feel even more guilty and I am getting angry and resentful. I am being smothered with kindness and he is doing everything for me and nothing for himself. He also tells me that I am destroying our family and it will affect the kids in a negative way if we split up. He cries in front of me, the kids and it is making my head spin. Everything he asks me to do for him is a “favour” like I owe him something. I hope to hear more stories like mine. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do and I am struggling to break free.
I can relate. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 12 years (since I was 19). He loves me very much and treats me extremely well. He is thoughtful, kind, considerate, always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am and that I am the “love of his life.” The problem is, I don’t feel the same. I love him deeply in the way one loves a best friend or family member but I can’t shake the feeling that there is more. Over the years our values have changed and grown apart. I am a social worker and politically liberal. He is a carpenter who identifies as libertarian. This has begun to drive a wedge between us over the years. I am health conscious and desire to lead an active and adventurous lifestyle. He says he wants these things but getting him to do any activity is like pulling teeth. I also don’t feel we share the same dreams or vision for our future. He would be content to live in our home town forever and I dream of travel and living somewhere new. I am just not sure he is my “spiritual partner.” I am so scared and confused. My mother who just ended a truly toxic relationship and is single at age 57 is advising me to stay, saying “the grass is not always greener, he loves you, what more could you want?” My friends understand my concerns but still advise me to proceed with caution. I feel so scared and guilty. I want to be the last person on earth to hurt my sweet boyfriend. I cannot imagine my life without him but I cannot help but feel there is more to life and love. I am scared to stay and wonder “what if?” I feel like I am having a quarter-life crisis.
Before you leave read, ‘The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive’ by Susan Page. Page also wrote, ‘Now That I’m Married, Why Isn’t Everything Perfect’, I’ve not read this title but if it’s anything close to ‘The 8 Essentials . . .’ it’s a winner!
Because you are both with loving partners there may be hope for a renewal of love and commitment. I’ve been told that when you move on to another relationship that there will be 10 different things about that partner/relationship that are not ‘perfect’ either.
Best of luck . . .
Thank you for the advice Darris. I really appreciate it.
Thank you for your comment Lindsey, I’m going through the exact same thing. I feel like I have the best man a girl could have, but yet I’m missing something. I find it very devastating, it makes me literally sick. That’s the only reason I would describe the situation as toxic, because he as a person isn’t toxic or abusive at all! I can’t imagine living without him either, the thought alone kills me, but living like this kills me too.
I hope you find your truth about your relationship really soon now, and the courage and trust to act upon that truth, whatever it may be.
Sending you lots of love x
Beautifully worded Kris. I’ve been saying these things for a few years….it’s very difficult for human beings to see beyond their fear but it is absolutely necessary to live a full life.
Thank you for being the voice this new day.
Pam
I was truly scared of loosing him, but the anxiety he was causing me was overwhelming. When he pulled his disappearing act I thought I was having a heart attack. Like someone sitting on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I sent the text I knew would break my heart. Wishing him the best and saddened by the fact that it didn’t work out. Afterwards I had such relief. Today day one and he basically turned it on me and as usual didn’t acknowledge or apologize for his actions. However, I deserve more, I deserve what I give and if he didn’t appreciate it so be it. I have to care about myself and my wellbeing.
This is GREAT! I’ve had to be brave and walk away from a few things recently. It was scary and very out of character for me. But, it has been worth it to rid my life of that toxicity!
looking good here nice one
Rings true. I am in a fifteen year relationship. This man took care of me during my chemo.(2004) Since then, he has cheated, lied and although I forgave him for me, I do not trust him. I see him differently. He never has the energy or the time to go anywhere or do anything for me. A short time ago, I was very ill and did not return his calls for two days. He told me I was very replaceable and had better watch my behavior. I still stay in the relationship. I get so mad at me.
Kim don’t be mad at yourself. I know all too well how hard that is, but I also know making yourself wrong will just keep you stuck with him. You are NOT replaceable! There is only one you in all of the universe. You can never be replaced. You are special beyond measure and the universe needs exactly who you are. When people need to keep you down to make themselves feel worthwhile, it would be sad if it wasn’t such a damn cliche! You deserve a man who loves you and thanks god every day that you came into his life. You survived chemo and everything that went along with it- you are strong and unmessable with! You deserve a happy life
What about when your toxic relationship is with yourself? I am finding that the most destructive person in my life is me. The me that holds on to bad habits for dear life and has unkind thoughts about herself. I think that divorcing yourself from the “bad friend” inside yourself is the most healing path yet.
what do you do when it is your daughter? she stopped speaking to me – it has been almost 2 years and the pain is unbearable… she is 35 and I fear she is not coming back…do I just ‘release the relationship’ for my own health?
How painful, I am so sorry. The first thing I would suggest is to a little internal reflection. Do you know why your daughter stopped communicating with you? Are her complaints legitimate? Any part of her complaint? Has her behavior been erratic?
The point here is to figure out what part of this you must take responsibity for and what is hers. For the portion that is yours, think about what you will do differently if you were to reunite. Don’t simply say, “I won’t do x again”, write tangible changes you will make when in certain situations (e.g. When she raises her voice I take that as a cue to mentally step back and breathe so I don’t respond in kind).
If you can see a therapist, I’d recommend it. I can’t promise you your daughter will come back but if you share that you have made growth through introspection, she may be curious to know more.
Thanks for your response, Savannah…. the story is long – but the short of it is, we had a very close and wonderful relationship for most of her life…I raised her and her brother by myself with very little financial support from their father and no emotional support from any family members. thank goodness for my friends! I have told her I take responsibility for any things that she is holding me accountable for – I did my best, they had what they needed, many times what they wanted, including my love and dedication….but the lose of her father at the age of 10 was difficult for her- I am being punished for…it seems like – now that she is an adult. He was not the man for me…met him at 15 and married him at 17 and had her at 19 – he was my escape from my insane asylum that I lived in…and he was not a responsible or grown up person…still really isn’t…there are so many other things that come into play…that I can’t and don’t want to share here – but bottom line… I have been there through thick and thin for my sweet girl – and will do anything to have her back – within that two years – we spoke, I thought mended so much…she got married and I was there for her and helped make her day special…and she went off the rails again within 7 mos of the wedding. She has forbid me to contact her until SHE is ready – and i hurt every day. So, Kris’ advice to let go of toxic relationships… or more so, pain in your life that is holding you back from living your best life… how can I do that? How can I walk away from this person that I love more than life itself? I have learned to ‘compartmentalize’ our connection and let it out when the pressure valve can’t take anymore…and then i put it away again until…. but, life does pass so quickly, and we never know what tomorrow can bring… there is no promise of tomorrow… I so want to be part of her life and she mine….
And yes, I have done so much internal reflection…have put my past to rest and forgiven those who trespassed against me… she lives 7 hours away – drive – or else i would love to seek therapy with her… but that is not happening…especially when she has cut me off totally. I have done a lot of work on myself… I think she had me on a pedestal and when she realized that I was fallible and human and a woman just like her who makes mistakes…it changed her…
Re: Staying together for the sake of the kids…..
A couple of comments have touched upon this topic, so I thought I might share my experience….
I have 3 wonderful kids, ages 10 – 15. The four of us are moving out – away from my husband- in less than 2 weeks. “Toxic” is a good way to describe our marriage for the past years. Last summer I decided that this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life, but that would “hold it out” until the kids are through school, meaning until they have moved out. I thought that having an angry/difficult father was better for them than having no father at all. During the fall the atmosphere at home got even worse, and I could see that the kids were suffering. In December THEY actually came up to ME and said that they couldn’t take things the way they were any more. They couldn’t stand to be around their father when he was acting so poorly all the time. I took this seriously and realised, now it is up to me. So after some difficult months of planning, I am now at the point where I will soon be FREE!
The children are somewhat nervous about the move, but now that they know that things will change for the better they are much calmer now. They are really looking forward to our “new start”.
For anyone planning a separation – DO find someone to support you ex. a coach, and make sure you get all the legal/health support you need. And don’t be afraid to rely on dear friends 🙂 I am so happy already, and reading this article as well as some of these comments just remind me that I am on the right path.
Peace to all of you!
I have been struggling for the past little while about this very topic. Opening my email this morning and seeing this posted, was meant to be. I will take full control of “MY” life. I will be responsible for my short comings and accept the blame for the situation I am in. BUT, I will not accept someone else taking control of my life ! It is time. That feels good just saying it 🙂
About a month ago, out of the blue, I heard my inner voice say, “Do you know how hard it is to keep dead things alive?” As I pondered that statement, it stopped me dead in my tracks, and I began to feel what that meant for me personally in my own life. As I took inventory of all aspects of my life, I knew it was high time to do what I knew I needed to do. Phase one–was to end a toxic, draining, and empty relationship. I had to get over the fear of being single again. And I’ve done just that. As so many of you have shared, once you get your feet back on solid ground again, you re-connect with yourself in a magical way, and the weight begins to lift. So I ended the relationship….oh, and I cut my hair. LOL.
This is an amazing journey.
Peace and blessings to you all!
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years on Friday night and actually laughed and forwarded this to my friends when I received the email talking about break ups. Reading down through the questions to ponder, many of the answers are a definitive yes’! I have told my girlfriends that if I want to go back they need to help keep me grounded and centered so I stay strong and do what I know I need to do. When reading the blog, I felt that I could particularly relate the statement “There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.” I tried to do that for so long and I now realize it is futile. Thanks for your inspirational blog, documentary and books and sending me this email at the exact moment that I needed it. It gives me the strength to stick with my decision.
Thank you for this. The timing of having stumbled upon this post is spectacular – there is no such thing as coincidence. I just broke up with my boyfriend this afternoon. It’s true what you say about how we’d rather stay in the broken places that move on to a terrifying unknown. I had wanted this one to work so much but it clearly wasn’t and there wasn’t any way to fix it anymore. It’s an extremely painful decision to make, but then you realise that if the other person isn’t putting in the same effort to make it work, then he/she is not worth it. When that’s the case, then eventually, you even realise that startling little truth that the other person has a lot more to lose than you do. It sounds arrogant perhaps to say this, but it isn’t meant to be – it’s about reclaiming back your power and realising that there’s something and something far more deserving of the wonderful you out there. It’s a terrifying unknown, but as Kris says, it can also be glorious.
Thank you Kris for showing us “toxic” for what it really is and for sharing the courage to take that leap into something more glorious. Thank you for showing us that it’s not only okay but that it can be so much better xxx