Kris Carr

Kris Carr

Emotional Health

Toxic Relationship Signs

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Hiya Gorgeous!

As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.

In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.

Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.

While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”

But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

Let’s get brave and tell the truth.

Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.

Questions to ponder:

  • Is the pain too great to stay the same?
  • Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
  • Do I need a translator to be heard?
  • Is it impossible to make boundaries?
  • Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
  • Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
  • Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
  • Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
  • Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
  • If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
  • Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
  • Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
  • Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
  • Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
  • Do I find myself missing the old me?
  • And so on…

If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.

 

How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships

Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.

I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.

The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.

Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.

Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.

Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.

Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.

Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.

Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.

Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.

If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.

What’s on the other side of change?

Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.

Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.

Peace & bag packing,

 
 
Add a comment
  1. Jane says:

    I have just said Goodbye to a relationship with a Toxic man … this was my last text to him ” I can no longer continue with this …. but I say Goodbye to You with Love” …. it is so empowering to be able to walk away from someone with Love and Forgiveness in your Heart ….

  2. Janice says:

    I Believe I Was In A Toxic Relationship Evey Week My Bf Would Break Up With Me Every Week. It Wore Me Out Mental. It Could The Smallest Things He Has Own Apt I Have My Place. Now He Told Me zhe Wants Too See Others Ladies. Now Am Free From The Drama. My Life Mind And Body

  3. Clarity says:

    Great content and ideas that every couple or in a relationship can refer through.

  4. Penny says:

    My story lasted more then ten years. I’m a lot older then him and I’m sure it had a lot to do with the problems we faced and there were many. He was physically and mentally abusive at first. I was probably mentally abusive to him if i,m going to be completely honest. There was a lot of game playing. Some of it was even kind of fun at the time but it runs it,s course. He was in and out of jail and when he was out he was on probation of which never lasted and so he was always absconding from the law. I would help him out, he,d turn himself in and the whole cycle would start again. It became exhausting and sad. Then he ended up leaving me for someone else but he always ran back to me and I always took him back. It started to make me look stupid and ugly as he became more blatant. I let it get really bad before I finally said no more. I hope you dont let it get this out of hand before you say no more.

  5. Jami says:

    This is what I needed to hear to keep on trucking through this separation. Every now and then, like withdrawals from drugs, I experience a bone aching loneliness and I long for my tormentor. Then I go through those questions above, through my head. Suddenly, I’m less lonely and realize that I miss the idea of him and most definitely not him. My word of advice: if your here, reading these comments like I would have years ago…..take it as a hint that something isn’t quite right. Talk to someone and get some perspective but NEVER ignore your gut. (If it doesn’t feel right, remember that you deserve for it to feel right).

    • Also Jami says:

      I mean, I’m not gonna lie…I’m scared to absolute death. But…and it’s a big BUT…..emotionally speaking..the odds are in my favor. I can take this chance that i have been fighting for and get out; OR stay here and let our daughter learn how she could be treated one day. Struggle with anxiety, depression, and a metric shit ton of other issues; every day for the rest of my natural life. It’s a no brainer. I would rather be single with a shit ton of cats.

  6. Heartache says:

    My husband and I first started dating when he was 18years old and I was 22. When I first saw him, I knew we were going to be married. We got engaged and 2 years later, we broke up. 10years past and we reconnected. After 7 years of being in a toxic marriage, we’re finally calling it quits. I’ve gone through so much to keep our marriage together and so has he, but it’s not working out. So many things have produced a huge wedge between us, my husband and I cannot fix. It hurts so badly and I’m not sure how I’ll feel June 23rd, the big D-Day. I love my husband but it’s not enough to sustain a marriage.

  7. Elizabeth R Castro says:

    Feeling empty
    Stupid
    And used
    And to top it off confused
    Why would a person who loves you share so much of your relationship with an ex and tell them so much about how they love them and miss them and will wait for as long as is needed to be together with that person? He says it’s about money she owes? He’s playing a role on her? So what makes me different is he playing a role with me too? Help

    • Elizabeth R Castro says:

      I mean he is with me everyday but sneeks off to send those messages??

    • Janine, Team Crazy Sexy says:

      We recommend that you find a therapist that may be able to help you work through your feelings around this relationship so that you can be healthy and happy! You are worth taking care of! <3

  8. Jess says:

    So…what if I’m not sure who the problem is? I mean…sometimes I really think maybe it’s me but then I Google and read and obsess about trying to figure out how or why he might so or say things to me.
    I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and it has been pretty dysfunctional from the start. I didn’t know it at the time but I was later told that I was love bombed by him and I ended up cheating on my ex with my current boyfriend and laughing my ex for him. Yes I realize that is an issue all on itself and I have been coming to terms with it this whole time and realizing how terrible that was of me.
    My boyfriend has major trust issues already and because he thinks that I cheated on him with my ex-boyfriend because he would call me and tell me that he was thinking about hurting himself or whatever I would talk to him. Never anything else nothing sexual he did hug me and kiss me which I was uncomfortable with at that time and there was no romantic feeling on my end. I really believed he was going to hurt himself and was just trying to offer him an ear. Saying that out loud makes me feel very manipulated by him and that’s just a whole nother issue that I want to try to work out for myself. So for the last few years my boyfriend has consistently called me a cheater and a liar and he has called me a w****b**** and pretty much everything else under the sun. I have two older children who are now both legal adults one of which still lives at home and is in school but my son moved out.
    Today there was an issue with my daughter not wanting to clean her room before she left the house but I told her she had to so she went back up to her room to clean it and she dropped something that knocked over a few other things on her vanity and my boyfriend yelled up to her and she yelled back and said that she didn’t throw anything and then I had to stop what I was doing and go tell her to not be throwing things or whatever and we had a little spat and I told her she couldn’t yell back at him because I do believe that that’s disrespectful for her talk back to someone who is in my eyes at my level to her.
    Since this all happened I have been screamed at called a b**** he said my daughter was being a little b**** and he took his two younger kids and left the house and is telling me to leave because I yelled at him for saying that about her or to her. I know that this is toxic but I don’t know if it is my fault as a whole. There are so many other ins and outs to our relationship but this is what it is at this juncture and I am confused and scared and worried and upset.

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