Kris Carr

Kris Carr

Emotional Health

Toxic Relationship Signs

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Hiya Gorgeous!

As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.

In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.

Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.

While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”

But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

Let’s get brave and tell the truth.

Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.

Questions to ponder:

  • Is the pain too great to stay the same?
  • Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
  • Do I need a translator to be heard?
  • Is it impossible to make boundaries?
  • Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
  • Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
  • Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
  • Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
  • Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
  • If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
  • Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
  • Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
  • Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
  • Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
  • Do I find myself missing the old me?
  • And so on…

If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.

 

How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships

Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.

I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.

The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.

Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.

Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.

Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.

Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.

Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.

Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.

Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.

If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.

What’s on the other side of change?

Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.

Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.

Peace & bag packing,

 
 
Add a comment
  1. Andrea says:

    Thank you for the post, Kris. Unlike most other folks commenting, I broke off a relationship with a toxic family member, my mother, about two years ago, and it was honestly the best thing I could do for myself. It was difficult for me to do in many ways – I had many nights where I broke down and sobbed for hours, developed stomach issues as a result of it (which I later cured when I accepted my decision and made peace with it.) But then in other ways, it was so easy to do. I don’t tense up everytime the phone rings now. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been before. I am less anxious, less stressed, more optimistic and positive, and have more fulfilling relationships with other people in my life. I have found my true purpose in life and have taken action steps to pursue my goals and dreams, and it all feels so wonderful. It is amazing to see how much positive change I have encountered over the past two years, and I truly believe it wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t end the toxic relationship. A lot of people don’t understand how I could stop talking to my mother – some even think I’m a bad, selfish person – but I don’t let that effect me because I know in my heart, and in my mind, that I have made the best decision for my life and those who are close to me also recognize this. Thank you for posting this! It made me reflect a bit on my decision and changes over the past few years and now I’m feeling really good this Monday morning. Much love to you for all that you do and the truth that you speak! xoxo

    • Jennifer says:

      I am in the process of ending my relationship with my mother, and so I can really relate to what you’ve shared here. How incredibly brave of you! I was wondering how you were able to get past the sobbing and stomach issues (which I can relate to!) to find the peace? I’m still in the early stages of wishing that things could be different and bracing myself for each correspondence but I long for the positivity and optimism that you speak of. I would appreciate any advice you could share. Thanks!

    • Lynn M says:

      It was helpful to read your post Andrea. I am in a simialr situation. It has been about 6 months since I finally stood up for myself, didn’t hold my tongue and honored myself with some self-respect.
      My dad died when I was five. My mom got pregnant and married (to the guy she was having an affair with before my dad died) within months of my dad dying. Her new husband was an alcoholic. He sexually and physically abused me, my sisters, cousins – who know who else. My mother was very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive – even told me as a child that I should have died instead of my dad. Every time I tried to “tell”, the situation got worse. As soon as I was able, I left home, moving over 2000 miles away.
      Years later, while in therapy, I flew back to try to talk to both of them and try to heal the past. While he seemed to be apologetic for what he had done, my mom went ballistic calling me every four-letter word imaginable, telling me “I was a liar, but it if did happen, it was my fault.” Still amazes me how she could justify blaming a seven-year old.
      After that trip, I didn’t talk to them for years. Finally, feeling like I had an obligation, I got back in contact with them. For what I don’t know. The relationship consisted of her talking, talking, talking for hours and hours on the phone (mostly my dime of course) with me barely saying a word. My husband would often comment that he thought maybe no one was on the phone and I was just sitting there holding the phone. She seldom even acknowledged anything I said, just kept going on, mostly complaining about everyone and everything. I would say over and over – need to go, have to get up early for work in the morning, not feeling well; She would just keep on talking. This went on for years. My husband kept telling me to just hang up, but I couldn’t – that’s rude!
      Fast forward to 2011 – The day I returned home from having cancer surgery. She did call – she asked how I was feeling, not sure she heard me say how sick and in pain I was, but did keep talking – for five hours! Luckily I had a headset, pain pills and was in bed. I don’t think she even noticed that I was fading in and out.
      The last time I was on the phone with her, I just could not take anymore. When she called, I told her as soon as we got on the phone that my husband and I had plans for the night with friends. She didn’t acknowledge my comment, just started on how horrible the holidays were, what my sisters were doing wrong – on and on. FINALLY, the bomb exploded. I could not take anymore. I told her I was done, I was tired of listening to her tear apart and blaming everyone and everything and not taking responsibility for herself and I didn’t want to listen to her monologues anymore. I then hung up. For a few minutes there was total silence in the house. Then everyone came into the kitchen and cheered. They said they had been waiting for this moment to happen for years and they were so proud of me. I have not spoken to my mom since. It is sad that the relationship has ended, but after all these decades it is very liberating for the abuse to be in the past.

    • Christina says:

      Dear Andrea,
      I am grateful to read your response today. I am divorced after a bad marriage, and finally learned that the marriage was familiar because of my parents. Geez. After finally realizing that, it has taken me almost a year to terminate that toxic relationship (and that with a sister as well). The break-up was hard – so many tribal beliefs to breakdown, and narcissism to boot. But the last three months of no ex, no parental or other space in my life (and that of my three kids) has been nothing short of miraculous. We (my kids and I) are all in a loving and peaceful relationship with each other and are communicating in clear and kind ways with each other. I understand the partner/spouse break-up’s, but the family of origin one is so different and in many ways harder. It is much harder to recognize dysfunction when you grow up in it. Many blessings to you. Namaste.

    • Ann says:

      Thank you for your post Andrea. I am still trying to figure out how to separate myself from my mother. She lives alone and is heavily dependent on me and my family. I can literally feel the energy being drained away while in her presence. We live only a few minutes away, and I have a very difficult time setting boundaries. If I do not call her back in a timely manner, she continues to call or shows up at my house. I have gained 30 pounds and am experiencing depression. I feel that our relationship is actually benefiting her, as I am release for her negativity. I would really like to move and my husband and I are trying to make plans to do so. Since I have lived close to her, I have seen my fear and anxiety escalate and my physical health deteriorate. It is very difficult to think of leaving her alone, but I know this relationship is toxic and I am suffering. It also trickles down to my children and spills over to my husband who has to listen to me complain. Your post has inspired me to make some serious changes.

  2. Peter Lawlor says:

    Thank you Kris for your bautiful words, and constant inspiration. I live in Ireland near Dublin (same timezone as London UK) am an independent music professional. Songwriter/singer/creative artist. May God bless you and yours always.
    Kindest regards,
    Peter Lawlor

    • Cath says:

      Hey Peter …
      I cant wait to get to Ireland one day …. there is something special there….. my heart calls me there…

      Cath from Australia

  3. Laurie Bell says:

    I ended an 18 year marriage to an alcoholic that was so dysfunctional I almost went crazy. Having children made it harder but I finally knew nothing I could do would ever “fix” my ex or make him happy. I agree with Kris that keeping a journal can help–it did for me. It helped me see the dysfunctional patterns I kept repeating–I would cycle through the same pattern about every 3-6 months. This scared me because at the end of each cycle I would think ” Wow I am learning about myself, I will never do this again”, and 3-6 months later I’d be reading my journal crying on the beach with my Starbucks and saying “I did it again”. So a really cool therapy called “EMDR” and a really great therapist finally helped me to find and hit my internal “reset” button (along with a lot of exercise, healthy eating, and like Kris says just being kind and loyal to myself. I am now so happy and in the first healthy relationship that I have ever had. And it is scary as hell, but I would never go back.
    Thank you Kris! I just love this blog!!

  4. Dean Singh says:

    After 3 failed marriages and 20 years of self loathing and destructive eating and drinking I have come to realize this simple fact. If I love me I won’t hurt me on purpose. If some one I love hurts me they are responsible. If I hurt some one I love I am responsible. Responsible people fix their mistakes. They search for answers that will change their future. I so appreciate this opportunity to be a part of a forum of others who also have, or are presently experiencing the devastating effects of a broken heart. Good health to you and me.

  5. Easier said then done when it come to a sibling. If it were a friend I would have hit the road years ago. It is helpless when it is someone in your family. Your post definitely comes at a time when I am trying to make lifelong decisions. It has been 42 yrs you would think I would have some answers by now!

  6. Lisa Daniels says:

    I was stuck in a toxic relationship years ago and had a coaching session by phone – just one! – that changed my life. The coach had me do an exercise where I was 3 entities: me, the person I couldn’t seem to end it with and the relationship. Then she asked each a question. (This could be done by journaling too.)
    Question to the relationship: “what is is like to be you”
    Question to the person I was stuck staying with: “what do you know that Lisa doesn’t?”
    Question to me (Lisa): “knowing these answers, what is your plan?”
    This seems so simple, but speaking for each of these gave me surprising insights, a profound breakthrough and a practical plan for ending the relationship.
    PS I did, met the man of my dreams 4 months later, got married and am living an amazing, fun, happy life.

  7. Elli says:

    omg all your posts have to do with my life ! I broke up 10 days ago and even thought i’m sad I can answer yes yo many of the questions your wrote. I still want to get back together because i also remember the good moments… But lets hope, there is such thing as “true love” waiting for me in the future…..

  8. Webly says:

    I had to end a relationship with a friend from high school. It was really hard to do but I was going through a tough pat h and this person was just kicking me when I was done so I had to let go.
    When it’s family that’s a different story. I learned with family to love some from a distance, don’t get dragged into their drama by keeping an open mind and limit my visits and phone conversations. After all you cannot choose family right?

  9. Cathy says:

    Beauty-full article Kris.

    I decided to leave a 17 yr marriage at 46 yrs of age (to a person i had been with since i was 17) 4 years ago. It was riddled with emotional abuse and honestly just had evolved into two unhappy people going through the motions (SO painful)…and leaning on each miserable-other until the whole thing crashed. There was blame, unkindness, and misery. We did have 3 gorgeous children and I stayed far far too long because of them, to keep up a front, to pretend. Note to all of you: this never ever is a good idea. I know now (with that scrumptious gift of hindsight) that staying together for the kids is a terrible idea…its a lie…and lies don’t resonate well with the soul. The soul will fight you tooth and nail every single time when it knows you are lying. It is just a fact that children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. I thought it would be devastating for them when they were young….here is a secret….it was no less devastating when it did inevitably happen.
    I entered into a new relationship just weeks after leaving my ex husband (note to breakup pit crew….fine, you were right…BAD idea) and man alive was that a mistake. The person i attracted was exactly in line with how i was feeling at that time …crappy, low self esteem, sad, devastated, and scared to name a few. Imagine the person that would want to partner with someone like that. While it served a very real needy need it was extremely unhealthy and toxic in the long run…… and (no shocker here) the relationship was ultimately hellacious to get out of 2 1/2 years and 4 breakups later (yes it took him leaving me once and me leaving him three times to get it…..thank you for your patience universe.!). While i didn’t have broken church glass i did have to be talked down from hurling an uncooked 20 lb turkey at his front door the day before Thanksgiving (when yet another breakup had occurred). Were we 16 or 40 something???? File that under not such a proud moment. Sometimes in heartbreak there is humor to be found in snippets of the freak out exit blurs as two souls that were not meant to be try to part….my girlfriend saying to me on the phone….”put the turkey down…do you hear me? Get in the car, turn the car around an take the turkey home!!!! I am happy to report I listened.
    I think most notable to me in all of this is how both of my exes acted/reacted/behaved when i decided to leave. They were angry, miserable, mean, viscous, cruel, vindictive and weak. I used to cry and cry to my pit crew and ask WHY, WHY are they being so unkind…..and do you know what this genius tribe of people said time and time again. We are not surprised at all. This is how they acted when you were with them, why would they act any differently after? They also went on to wisely say if they (the exes) had acted kind, heartfelt, generous, empathetic and nurturing, even in a breakup, then these would not have been the kind of men you would have had to leave. GENIUS,,,,give that pit crew a breakup book deal!!!!! Ah the wise words of those you are sometimes not ready to hear but if lucky words you can one day digest and learn from.
    xoxo

    • Lee says:

      Cathy, I love your sense of humour. It’s the one thing that keeps me going in my 18 year marriage which I decided for sure today to end, just before reading this post. One time after my husband had finished a big long rant he said he just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I thought to myself, we’re not even in the same bloody library mate. Not something I would say out loud because that would just start him up again. And as for what others have said about knots in their necks and feeling physically ill. I went to get my neck massaged because I couldn’t stand the pain anymore only to be told by the masseuse that I needed more than my neck massaged and it was the worst case he’d ever seen. He was so kind to me and I was in tears in the end because not only did he release the physical pain but the emotional pain I keep inside. It’s really sad when a total stranger is kinder to me than my husband who is supposed to love me. I have a lot to work out before I leave but one thing I know for sure is I’m going to be a lot happier and at peace.

  10. Алина says:

    Thank you, beautiful soul Kris. I really needed this today.

  11. Sarah says:

    I really believe in things happening for a reason, and getting this blog post today has got me crying rivers…

    I’ll be celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary on Friday, my 30th birthday at the end of the month, my son’s turning 2 months old tomorrow and I have a 3.5 year old daughter. I’ve been in a dead end with my husband for a while now and recently things have gotten worse and worse. I’m in a verbally abusive relationship and am so used to being a strong and independent woman yet in this situation I feel like there is no way out. My husband and I have started therapy, for the 2nd time, and it doesn’t seem to be helping. I know for a fact that the only reason I am sticking it out is because of my children. Even though my daughter is really starting to be affected by what is going on, even making comments like “daddy is naughty” or “daddy is mean” and telling him to stop being grumpy and to stop complaining all the time, which really worries me.

    As I read the questions to ponder on, there is not one I didn’t answer “yes” to, I’m exhausted (not even by my baby, but by my marriage), feel so belittled, frightened, lost…

    Thanks for this post Kris, I really hope it’s going to help me to get where I’m going, wherever that may be!

    Sarah

    • Cathy says:

      Please see my post. Do NOT “stay for the children”. I will not speak for you or judge you, but for me it was a very convenient copout and excuse so i wouldn’t have to make the tough decision to go out and be brave and conquer my fear of being alone. I made that decision (for the survival of my soul), finally, when my children were 16, 13 & 11. If your daughter is making comments then you are not only allowing yourself to be abused but your children too.

      In one example out of hundreds i will share that one we were driving to Florida and my ex husb had road rage and careened down the road at 110 mph and almost killed all 4 of us…my 3 children screaming in the car. I stayed with him another two years after that. The tragedy is not what he did but what i allowed and what i ALLOWED my children to witness and endure.

      Hoping you venture off to find your souls desire way faster than i did….it will be SO worth it.

      • Cherie Marie says:

        Dearest Sarah!
        You are STILL a strong and independent woman. She’s not dead, she’s just been kicked around a bit. 30 is VERY young – you have a long happy life ahead of you with 2 beautiful children whom need you to show them the way. So show them the way to be strong and independent. Unfortunately this falls on women so often, but ask yourself why? Because we CAN DO IT. If you stay with him what have you taught your babies – that it’s perfectly honorable to let someone abuse you? It’s ok for her to say what she says about Daddy, she’s correct and, IMO, you have the right validate her feelings. Don’t tell her “it’s not nice” to say those things etc. Children KNOW the truth and you rob them of their power by trying to change their minds or cover-up their honesty.
        I know of a woman who has been through this same situation and she handled it with her children beautifully by explaining how Daddy needs to be by himself and that’s OK and that he is sad and angry for private reasons no one might ever understand but that you 3 would be healthier by not living with him anymore.
        It can also be explained that sometimes love is very, very confusing and that time helps people understand it. Your babies are wee ones, they will bounce back rapidly. As will you.
        YOU CAN DO IT! Don’t doubt your gut feelings. You know the truth and you have the answers. Find people to help you get out and stay out.
        We are all rooting for you and I’m very sorry you have to endure this chaos. It’s not fair. Very little ever is, but you can make life good for you & your children. They will “get it” if you blaze the trail.
        Be strong, chickadee:-)
        All the best,
        Cherie Marie

    • Darris says:

      Read ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’ AND ‘The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive’ by Susan Page.

      Best of luck

    • Eileen says:

      I was in a similar relationship before I got married. I had a daughter. We went back and forth and he always said he would change, etc., etc., Finally one time after I had left for the hundreth time and he called asking to work on things for the hundreth time my daughter (8 at the time) came downstairs after I had gotten off the phone and said “Are you taking him back?” I said… “He’s nice to you.” She said “but he is not nice to you.” That floored me. How was I going to raise this child telling her she should only be with a good man when she was watching me let myself be torn up over and over. I was lying to myself that he would ever change. It’s been 13 years. I am happily married to a good man. He is also married. The last time my father saw him he announced to his wife at a birthday party in front of all of their family and friends that she was getting chunky and he didn’t like fat women. Apparently some people never do change. Good luck to you. You deserve better because we all do.

  12. Toni says:

    I love the idea of using questions and writing for change….It’s not my relationship with my husband I’m looking at, but my life as a sahm. I know there’s a change that needs to come, and it’s scary, but this approach could help me work through…thanks.

  13. L says:

    I never post comments but this one touches me deeply, thank you Kris.

    It took a series of health/body issues to finally wake me up to the toxicity in my family. We had been close and all my energy was devoted to caring for these narcissistic people and their every emotional demand. Migraines and exhaustion, then finally depression, led me to take a ‘break’ and start tending to my own self. It’s been almost ten years since I’ve seen any of them.. Definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

    Out of the struggle and darkness, guilt and worry, came my true self. I am now shining brightly, have become an artist, and am staggered by the loving and honest friendships I now enjoy. Stepping out of old patterns that don’t work anymore is so worth the considerable effort. The possibilities on the other side will blow your mind.

    • Barbara says:

      Hi L,

      I feel that I have a very dysfunctional family and many times I feel that they take most of my energy. Even when I temporarily distance myself and see them again, they continue to be destructive and emotionally abusive. I often feel manipulated and they really like to make me feel guilty for trying to live my life. Both my parents are alcoholics. My mom is also disabled and my father was recently diagnosed with cancer. I also have a very narcissistic sister who is verbally abusive towards me and she often neglects her children. I fear that she is also developing an addiction to alcohol. I also have two other siblings and right now, I am only getting along with one of them. There is so much drama. I often find that they will causes issues and problems, and then come to me to figure everything out. I am getting sick more often and find that attending to my mom’s needs and the demands of my family is overwhelming me and I am always stressed. Can I ask, how did you make the decision to cut family out of your life? How were you able to do it for 10 years? I am thinking that when I distance myself for 1 -2 months from my family, it doesn’t help…it usually makes things worse. I often think about how great it would feel to not have them in my life and often dream about moving far out of the country to live a peaceful life. Thanks for sharing L.

      • L says:

        Barbara,
        Your story is very similar to mine. Both parents alcoholic, all siblings addicts, rehab, suicide, etc. so much drama and I was always the one to take care of everyone’s needs, with no thought to the cost to me.

        As for making the break, it started early in therapy when I said ‘I could really use a month away for them’ – never ever realizing this was an actual option. And so, my therapist encouraged me to open to the idea. I asked for no contact Ina letter, which infuriated and mystified. No concern for me, though.

        After of hard years in therapy and then spiritual work, the pain and guilt of the separation is easier. The little contact I’ve had since the break has only reinforced what I know in my heart. Must stay away.

        I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to continually ask for distance. For narcissists, this is an attack, and they will lash out each time. I wish you the very best in finding your peace and creating the space for your own self to flourish. It is a sad situation we’re in, but it is what it is. We do have choices, and I chose joy.

        Thanks for writing, Barbara.

      • Eve says:

        Barbara – thanks for asking these really raw questions. The question of cutting ties is just so much more painful when it comes to family, but I can tell you I’ve done it and worked through what felt like unbearable waves of shame, blame, guilt, and loss to do it. This may or may not resonate for you, but what I’ve found is that my family is so entangled with my identity, it’s hard to “disown” the toxic elements of those relationships without letting go of something that feels essential to who I am.

        Most recently, I’ve (finally) told my abusive brother that I no longer want any contact with him, and when he blitzed my inbox with defensive and narcissistic attempts to “suck me back in,” I simply filtered my email so that he goes direct to trash. I did this without comment to him. This over all my internal objections that only a bad person rejects their own blood. The hardest things to realize for me were, 1) an abusive person is *never* entitled to have access to you, and 2) I was looking at it backwards – the truly bad person is the one who would abuse a family member and refuse to acknowledge or even see the pain they have caused.

        The painful fact is, there’s no way to go back and “fix” what went wrong there. The compulsion to try is part of the toxicity.

        Whether this speaks to you or not, I sincerely wish you strength and joy in your journey, and peace in the outcome.

    • Peg says:

      L, you are so brave to have done that. There is such a stigma attached to “divorcing” your family. I am amazed that since I had to do it recently, how many friends have confessed to the same thing. In my case it was my two adult step-daughters. It just came like a revelation one day after some ridiculous slight, that I was THROUGH. I did my job quietly (for the most part, I am not a saint) for 25 years. I explained my feelings rationally to my husband and he got it. It was such a burden lifted. I wish them happiness, but leave me out of it. When my husband complains about them now, I don’t get sucked in and offer no opinions. Just smile and nod. It’s an EMOTIONAL divorce.

      • L says:

        Eve, Peg, Barbara…
        Thank you so very much for your words, and for sharing your stories. Like I said, I’ve never commented on a website before and have always felt like the ‘bad one’ who hurt everyone. It is so helpful to share with others going through similar painful situations and we understand one another.

        Setting limits with family, especially divorcing the whole family, is a tough thing to do. I think about my mom every day (they all live within five miles of my house) yet I have to remind myself that our souls will work this out later. Surround yourself with love and that is what comes back. Truly amazing lesson that I never would have learned without the pain.

        All my best,
        L.

    • O says:

      Dear L,

      I feel what you are going through as Im doing the same thing. It is not easy. Its a hero´s journey that takes a lot of courage. I SO salute you!

      • L says:

        O, your encouragement and understanding means a lot to me – thank you. May you continue on your journey with grace and strength. You’re right, not an easy path, but knowing your own truth is the guide.

        Best wishes,
        L

  14. Christine Buelow says:

    I learned a long time ago to remove myself from people who diminish you. Great post!

  15. Lu says:

    Thank you so much Kris!
    You just made this day wonderful. I was needy to listen/read something like this today. I’m starting a beautiful Monday :-))
    All my love,
    Lu

  16. Hello Kris,

    I am so glad you posted this. The thorough examination of relationships is necessary to feel oneself as a whole. I hid from myself in relationship one after another and after watching your documentary I decided that if I was going to get well, I had to cut off the loose ends and go running into the light. That’s what I did and I am much happier for it. As my life changed, I became interested in helping others change their lives so I went to IIN and am building my site called DetoxandHeal.net where I offer my services and information to assist in supporting detoxification. I’d love to offer some of your insights from your website. May I please post a link to your artlce for my visitors?

  17. Candace says:

    This is SO true. We often stay in relationships well past the time we know we should get out, whether out of guilt or some sense that we should ‘try harder’. I did this with my ex-husband and kept him in my life out of some screwed up need to make it work at all costs (mainly mine). I’ve done it with friendships, family and jobs as well. I always want to believe that people are who they say they are, and when they go back to being nice or act a certain way, I think “oh, maybe it’s going to change now”. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten sucked back in this way.

    I’ve learned, especially in these past couple of years, that if it happens once, okay. But I now have a hard & fast 3rd strike rule. If you choose the offending action 3 times, I’m done. I’m a big believer in second chances, but if you’re constantly doing the same thing after telling me you won’t anymore, you’re not really sorry, and definitely not as invested in the relationship as I am. At this point in my life, I don’t want to go out of my way for anyone who wouldn’t do the same for me. It’s made life much simpler.

  18. Benita says:

    This resonated with me,Kris- been there,done that! Thank you for bringing clarity(and memory) about a relationship long past and the toxic reasons why it had to end! You’re awesome

  19. Yuruani says:

    Hi Kris,

    Thank you for this great post!

    I recently had to end my relationship with a close friend and completely redefine my relationship with another friend.

    Your advice on writing letters is on point. I wrote a series of letters that were so helpful for letting out my charge. This was also my road map to making my final decision, and the letters I sent out were my clear thoughts- not clouded by anger, regret or any other negative feelings I had felt.

    Toxic relationships are truly toxic to you! I remember feeling tight knots in my stomach whenever I thought about these situations, but after the letters were sent and the relationship ended, all I felt was relief and extreme pride in myself for staying true to my feelings and knowing when to let go.

    Thanks again for this great post!

  20. Judy says:

    The death of my favorite parent – my grandfather, was a huge sound of gong inside of me. All the toxic stuff, that I hided for decades came up via panic attacks. I had no other choice than being honest with people surrounding me. This was new. It also increased the pain for a while. Because I lost good friends and stopped communicating with my brother. But on the other side I opened up for something new and found new friends. And there was suddenly a huge relief – just by being honest. Now I’m wondering where life might take me. I’m just longing to live my dream.

    • Vijay says:

      Hi Kris,
      Thank you for this great post! But still i am feeling some guilt and can’t relate to it completely.
      I didn’t know what i had for her until the end of my 8th grade when i realised it was love and i was okay with it being one sided but fate wanted us to be together and yes it was fairy tale circumstances, i guess every love story is and then we went on to stay together for 4 years. In these years i felt that i loved her so much but we weren’t compatible at all. She would get angry on small things and that fight could go on for 4-5 days straight and i guess none of those fights have ever been resolved we kinda moved on from it. She would say things sometimes on phone which a loving partner can’t bear and trust me on this i don’t know how i used to catch breath at those times. I have heard her telling me whenever she’s in happy moments or like with her cousins or family she don’t want to talk with me even if that continues for weeks.
      The ultimate thing is they never had time for me and trust me time is what i craved for and i soon started complaining about it to which fights started and now they ended it from their side saying that whatever i am looking they can’t give it to me. Funny right, because all i wanted was her love and time. I know now i was in toxic Relationship and i want to move on and don’t want them back ever but still there is this feeling that i want her to love me and i want that love from her only when i completely know she is not capable of it. She soon started dating after we broke up and it wasn’t even a month then. Now i am feeling these mix reactions of like did i really know her and her beliefs and her face looked so innocent and calm but she called me few times after we broke up giving excuse that she has brought a pet and all things she ever wanted but the thing is she is bragging about her life on phone with me happily talking and like not even having mercy for my soul that you shouldn’t tell these things to me. She was the one who told me she has started dating and all . I mean i have seen in movies sometimes your ex are compassionate when there was love between you but she acts like some soulless being having no empathy for the person on other side which is me.
      Someone please help, how can get this hurting to stop. I know i was in a toxic Relationship but why do some part of me want her back, give me love and time i want when i purely know they are empty in those fields.

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