Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
I reckon something really interesting about your website so I saved to fav.
I been with my fiancé for 5yrs. I was loyal never even cheated nor lie to him. He broke up with me in May saying he got to do his schooling for college. I noticed he been spending to much time with a girl named Amy and she knew he was in a relationship with me. I confronted him and asked him who was the woman you leaving me for. He denied that there wasn’t a woman involved. I moved out with taking my son and mother with me and to my surprise he was moving her(Amy) in. I wasn’t even gone for two days. Then I being a investor check on his family’s profiles on Facebook, They had a baby shower for him and Amy. He knew I wanted a baby and a real family. I felt he took that from me. And it was the same month in May the same month he broke up with me. I have deleted his family off of Facebook and he is also deleted. His family knew all long and didn’t tell me. So I don’t have anything to do with them anymore. I’ve cried got angry and didn’t understand why leave me for her and she also had a fiancé and she cheated on him also with my fiancé so how in the world can two cheaters trust each other? I felt nasty I couldn’t even stand myself. I would like to know how to get over this I didn’t deserve that at all.
I got out of my toxic relationship with my child’s father years ago and left town and I had to get rid of the mutual friends we used to have because they were telling me his and his wife’s business that I did not want to know about and his uncle contacted me last year to tell me that his nephew did me wrong and I told him I wanted no contact with him or the family so that is what has me confused and I have made no contact whatsoever
I also want to make note that I moved back 3 years ago
Having broke of a very toxic relationship with a family member I can say its a process…if you have days where you question why you did it, because you actually feel worse now then when that relationship was still intact, you aren’t alone. Almost two years out and I am just starting to see the light, i spent so much time asking myself how I let this relationship go on for so long, and why it had to end the way it did, i couldn’t wrap my departure from it in a pretty bow….it was ugly! I didn’t have the option of just slowly letting things fall apart, I had to take a giant pair of scissors and cut the CRAP out. It was a dark, disgusting relationship that was built on fear, and a mutual displeasure for other family members, and it was making me a person I wasn’t proud of! All this time I spent trying to rationalize my decision one day it hit me…The only thing I needed to rationalize was why i betrayed myself for so many years to fit in with someone who was nothing like me! I needed to forgive myself, I’m still working on that part. Lots of deep breathes…slowly moving back into the light.<3 If your in the same boat, i'm here, i feel your pain, but i also know your triumph! Keep looking forward!
Finding love in the old days was certainly a lot easier for the men back then which today unfortunately is a very different story for us single men still looking.
I’m having to learn how to let go of a man that I have loved for over five and a half years we’re supposed to be engaged to get married but his Sudden Change in Behavior took place 2 years ago hot and cold distant silent treatment definitely toxic no doubt in my mind this man is a narcissist I’ve begged and pleaded with him for his time when he got this horrible ways with me I ended up apologizing for things I had no reason to apologize for I was lucky if I got one or two good days with him then out of the blue he would go distant with me cold the silent treatment it was horrible it breaks my heart cuz I didn’t understand why I’m still learning about this type of monster I call it the Narcissist. One day you will tell me he loves me I’m his one and only is everything and you can’t live without me then a day or two later he treats me as if he hates me this is breaking my heart I’ve tried talking to him about his behavior towards me I feel it makes things worse I wish I could just walk away for good please help
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I resonated with this so much. My Instagram account is @cancersavedmylife for a reason.
Before I was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer I wanted to die in my marriage. I felt sad all the time. I lived in fear. If I voiced my feelings, they would be wrong so I started to believe that I didn’t matter. I was confused. I had everything I wanted. A husband, 3 kids by a surrogate, a house and yet I was miserable. I felt disrespected a lot especially when my husband told me it my “ my job “ to have sex with him even after I told him I didn’t want to because I was in pain. Guess what that pain was? 3 tumors in my vagina, rectum and colon. A marriage or relationship should have respect. After you said do you get tired of hearing your own story, that is when I realized In my life something needs to change. I tried leaving three times and kept coming back due to the fear of change, the unknown. I couldn’t take it anymore. Had a “ breakdown” ended up in the psych ward for for only a few hours because the dr there says I wasn’t crazy. I was in an unhealthy relationship that involved emotional abuse. That’s when I decided that I was worth it. I couldn’t keep living this way or else it would kill me. Sadly, it already was. After I got the courage to leave just a few months later I was diagnosed with cancer. I would go to sleep praying to not wake up in my marriage so I think I got my death wish. Then, I decided to take my power back. In the worst time of my life, fighting through a divorce plus fighting cancer , and trying to run my business solo, I found the most peace. It was lonely for awhile but I’m the end I survived! I’m more happy than ever. Living on my own terms. Life is too short to be in a unhappy relationship. I’m not perfect, but I know enough to know that the person you are with should support you and make you feel good about yourself. Not punish you by putting your dirty dishes next to your pillow on your night stand? True story. You are stronger than you think. You deserve to be happy❤️
Wow, Emilee. Thank you for opening your heart. Your story is inspiring and we all have a lot to learn from you. I’m sorry you went through what you did, but I’m SO glad you chose to take your power back and live life on your own terms. Absolutely magical, honey. xo!
I “divorced” my father a few years ago, since when I’ve been able to repair my self-esteem hugely. I only wish I had done it years ago but that’s fruitless thinking. My life is so different now. I feel freer, more able to make the right decisions for me, not only based on ones that would please him. I have met and married an amazing man, who is the antithesis of my father. He’s kind, supportive, listens to me so different to my Dad.
But you know what, I still feel guilty. My husband counsels me on this often and I don’t know why I feel guilty. My Dad has been a terrible father to me over four decades. I won’t go into the details, suffice to say that when I was a teenager I was so scared of him I often wished he wouldn’t come home.
I know what being a good Dad looks like now. How my husband is with my step kids is amazing. He’s a very loving Dad. Mine never was. I have a distant relationship with him now but on my terms. However, I feel judged because it’s not the relationship he wants. I know he wants me nearby to take care of him and my step-mum because he’s said as much but I’ve chosen not to. I’ve done it in the past and been completely compromised by it. But now they are both old and not in good health, I see my friends all posting things on FB about how they take care of their ageing parents and I feel guilty because I’m not.
How do I stop feeling guilty?
Hi Alison, thank you for sharing your story. That sounds like a difficult situation. I can only imagine that it took a lot of courage to create the boundaries you need to be happy and healthy. As far as the guilt goes—well, there’s no easy answer. Have you considered writing a letter to your dad ? Not one you’ll send, but just something to get your feelings out on paper. I find this kind of exercise to be incredibly therapeutic. It might help you process some of your thoughts and get a better handle on what you want to do about them, if anything. Above all else, though, trust yourself. Remember that you chose to distance yourself because it was the best thing for you—only you know how to care for yourself in this way. If a time comes when you can let your dad back in a bit, your gut will tell you so. Stick with your intuition, because you’ve already got all the wisdom you need. I hope this helps, and I’m sending you my love. xo
I have been in this toxic relationship for 6 years. I have gotten to the point where I would rather be alone. I don’t enjoy his touch anymore. I use to run to my car after work because I couldn’t wait to get home to see him. Now I can wait to get up the next morning and go to work. I am not happy at all. He has called me names and made me feel like I was nothing. I use to be this confident secure person and now I j just feel like a burden. I need to go I know. I hate the thought of starting over.
The timing of this post couldn’t be more spot-on. I ended a truly dysfunctional romantic relationship after 14 years. My bf had checked out and refused to support me emotionally even as I battled advanced stage 3 breast cancer. It was very difficult but I have never doubted I did the right thing. To those who did support me, I am ever grateful.
My twenty year relationship blew up in my face 14 months ago. My husband walked out with no explanation and ghosted me. He didn’t talk to family or friends, still hasn’t. I was abandoned with no answers. I was gutted. The pain came from him not having any respect for me to treat me this way. He acted like we were never together for all these years. I spent a year praying and asking for answers and being destructive with my mental and physical health. It was not until I surrendered to the Universe that I began to feel relief. With the help of a good counselor, Gabby Bernstein, meditation, and lots of reading, I have begun to see the light at the end of this horrific time in my life. I still have my depressing days, but I now have mechanisms in place to get out of my head very quickly. I am looking forward to adding “Extraordinary Meditations for a Magnificent Life to my repertoire. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lisa. My heart goes out to you—it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. The fact that you’re where you are now is a testament to your resilience and strength of spirit. Keep doing what you’re doing, and know that I’m over here rooting you on every step of the way. xo!
The timing of this is totally uncanny. Although I ended the toxic relationship with my ex-husband & father of my son almost 2 years ago, we have been caught in a cycle of hurt and trauma that has been ongoing. Just this week I have recognised that the relationship has all the features of being mutually abusive. I have been experiencing emotional abuse and gaslighting for almost a decade in total. I am exhausted, burnt out and sad. We have almost completed a parenting plan and finally have agreements around shared care and finances. It has taken this long just to get clarity on these major issues. Finally I can heal and truly move on. Thank you for this blog post, I needed to hear this once again because despite everything I still grieve for the loss of my family unit. Perhaps I will always feel sad about that and that is ok. Much love.
It’s ok to feel sad, Emily. No sense in resisting where you are in this moment—just allow yourself to feel those feelings. You’ve been through a lot, so be gentle and patient with yourself as you move through this healing process. I’m here for you! xo
Hi Kris
Yes , your post is great. Most of the time its very hard for people, including me, to say ‘no’. Often we sacrifice our precious time and energy for someone else, who has nothing to do with us… but still we care about their opinion, status and so on. We often forget those with whom we should really spend our time.
I’ve definitely been there Akshay. Sounds like you’re an empath like me, which can make it even harder to protect ourselves. Hope you’ll make it a point to connect with yourself and listen to your intuition when it comes deciding who’s deserving of your energy and time. xo!
That’s the key moment – waking up angry or worried or scared. If you’re not waking up happy and worry free, then you need to let go and find what will bring positive feelings upon waking. ? Thank you for sharing your stories. I need courage to move on from my relationship, definitely planning. But frightened and saddened because I have a son who adores his father.
I know how scary that must be. Should you decide that moving on is the best thing for everyone, it may be tough at first. But ultimately, your son will be lucky to have the happiest, healthiest versions of both of his parents. xo!
This was such an inspiring article so thank you for sharing it. I feel/ know I’m in a toxic marriage. It wasn’t like this in the beginning but over the past 2 years my husband and I are completely disconnected. We have no intimacy and have had next to none for more than a few years. He tries to make me someone I am not and positions it as him trying to push me to do better but it does the opposite cause I fee I’m constantly criticized and not good enough. Not to mention he never goes out of his way to do anything special for me or make me a priority. But I struggle to release myself from the situation cause we have a 4year old child and I think it all so sad, yet we’re doing a disservice to each of us in trying to resolve something that is so dead.
I know how hard this must be, Stephanie. Please remember that you are smart, beautiful and 100% deserving of the very best! Sending you and your family lots of love.
I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.
So glad this came at the right time for you, Rebecca. Sending lots of love your way.
When I met my spouse, my son of 23 years had recently crossed over. My reason for staying was that I felt responsible for him and his life—especially the re-emergence of his two young boys and the relationship those three now had an opportunity to co-create. I am respected by them and after 5 years he lost what they built. I felt I needed to help mend these wounds.
Over time I awakened to truth and my perspective is no longer warped. My classes in my Ecopsychology Masters program were the blessing from the Divine toward my awakening and healing from my son’s ascension?? and this relationship.
We sold our home I had been asking to sell for almost a year through persistent forward movement of self, even though it was against his wishes. As I packed up our household goods (HHG), I separated his belongings and what he would get from my own (I was a logistics and movement officer in the Army) and when we sold I insisted on individual 1099’s for tax purposes and we each got into our own apartment. Even though we have lived in the same complex for two months now, I have been creating peaceful space for myself, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
I used to experience frequent panic attacks at night, almost daily. Since I found the courage and wisdom to move forward without him and the chaotic, destructive energy his being projected in our relationship, I have not experienced any panic attacks and I am finding that my heart and mind are more capable of interacting with my soul and my connection with the Divine Presence in our universe.
Blessings in the Light with Peace, Joy, and Love
LadyFae
Sounds like you’re taking good care of your sweet self, LadyFae. You inspire me. Sending big hugs!
I love this post, and am in a painful marriage with binge drinking issues, financial issues & chronic arguing. We have three beautiful kids. I know he has a good heart, and I know I’m a part of it, but it’s exhausting and upsetting and I do feel pain inside my body. I know I could improve and have my own issues. It’s a big huge deal to break up a family. How do you “know” when to make that huge leap? It changes the trajectory of many lives.
That sounds really tough, Lisa. There’s no one answer to your question—in my experience, it’s different for everyone. Perhaps something in your gut tells you that enough is enough, or you eventually feel the strength to make a change. But that’s not something anyone but your wise self can decide. In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. This stuff is rarely simple or clear, so allow yourself the time and space to handle it in the way that’s best for you. Sending you lots of love.
Sometimes something comes at the right time. As always, thank you for your love and wisdom, Kris.
This past weekend, I ended a relationship of 13 years, with a man I was never technically with. But we were so much to each other, especially him to me. Except ultimately, he just didn’t feel the passion I felt for him, and didn’t want to be with me in the real way. But my fantasy was so strong, that I kept trying to change his mind, or trying to pretend I’m ok with this partial relationship. Through these years, I have gone through an immense amount of pain, rejection and hurt. Hundreds of liters of tears. Going through the same cycle again and again. I would not wish this upon anyone.
It ended when I asked him to be there for me at a moment when I hit rock bottom. I told him I needed him more than I ever have… and he said NO. It felt like the last straw. I told him at that moment that I am so beyond hurt, and that it’s over. He didn’t even respond. He is a good man, albeit selfish in many ways, but a good man. I do believe he loved me, just not remotely close to how I loved him. I don’t think he is even capable.
Now that it’s over, the agony and pain are immense, and getting through each day feels like climbing a mountain. I’ve felt passion, love, care friendship, and love addiction toward him. My mind is playing trick on me, trying to convince me that even that half-ass relationship was better than this pain, because at least I got to have him in my life. But it was literally ruining my life, and obliterating so many good things, because I was just waiting, hurting, wanting and dreaming of what I could never fully have. I only got a little taste of what felt like heaven. That’s no way to live.
I would appreciate any words of wisdom and encouragement right now. Thank you so much….
Alyona, thank you for opening up in your comment. My heart goes out to you—I know how hard it can be to end something you want so badly. And because we want to avoid that hurt, sometimes our brains even try to convince us to go back to the not-so-healthy situation (so we can delay having to experience that loss). But I promise that once you’re on the other side, you’ll be so much happier for it dear one. I hope you’ll seek support from your loved ones AND from your wise, loving inner self during this challenging time. You deserve nothing less than the absolute best—please remember that! xo