Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
This is my favorite post that you have ever posted!!! And it’s right on time, divine alignment ?? thank you for this today ❤️
Don’t ya just love it when the universe speaks to you, Rachel? xo!
While I think there are some very valid points and tips in this article, I take issue with the comment re: getting rid of relationships that “no longer serve you”. Relationships are a give and take and that seems like a very self focused perspective. I believe sometimes are calling is to be there to help/be there another person, even if that relationship isn’t “serving us” at the time. I recognize that setting boundaries are important and we need to pay close attention to self care. But I also believe we have a basic human calling to be there for each other as well, and sometimes that means being in a relationship that doesn’t “serve us” or “serve us at the moment.”
Hi S, thanks for you comment. To clarify, when I say “no longer serving you,” I mean a relationship that’s consistently hurting you, draining your energy, making you doubt your own self-worth, etc. I do not mean leaving someone you love in their time of need. All relationships go through ups and downs, and everyone has challenging seasons. Sometimes one person needs to give more than the other—that’s why we have each other. Hope this clears up what I mean! xo
Thank you Kris! I’d be curious some time on your thoughts on the following – perhaps another blog article at some point. – If you are in a period of your life where you feel that several of your relationships are doing all that you mention above (draining you and doubting your self worth in particular), where does one start to assess the nature of the relationships? I’m assuming looking inward plays a role as well, whether it be looking at the types of friendships you are drawn to, one’s own role in those relationships, our own inner health and well being. But it’s also scary to think that “we could be the problem” or that we have been “getting it wrong” all this time. It’s overwhelming to think about where to start when you feel several of your relationships need reassessing – especially when the weak link could be within ourselves. Thanks for the response.
Fortunately, my toxic relationship came way back in high school. Since then, there have been some peripheral ones that were stressful and needed to be gracefully exited, but my main (and married) relationship has been lasting and mostly good. Sometimes one needs to discern the toxic from the merely annoying and acquire patience for the small things in life.
Absolutely, Carol. Patience, acceptance, understanding—these are all important parts of a healthy relationship. xo!
Thank you for this post—I just bookmarked it! It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I’m in a toxic relationship and I am the only party who sees/cares. I have been sicker (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) during this relationship than any other time in my life and am taking steps to get better and get out.
Glad this resonated with you, Liz. Sending you lots of love and big hugs! xo
I need to be honest with two family members – despite seriously trying for years to allow change – there’s still the same seething jealousy and unkindness. I’m done being shamed for existing. Breaking up with a parent and their partner is not easy. The expense however is so great tat I must find a way.
That sounds like a tough situation, KH. Sending you lots of love as you navigate this challenge. xo
I have been married for 18 years. In January 2019 I made the decision to walk away from a very toxic relationship. Mentally I was crippled, he was draining every last energy from me. Even now he still tries to manipulate and control me. My daughter will be with me from next week. Once she’s with me, I move onto divorce. I’m at peace. The struggle is only financial. Starting over. Finding myself has being liberating. I have made a few stupid decisions in 4 months but we learn. The one thing holding me together, my glue, is God. God is Good. I firmly believe that the best is yet to come. My blessings will be answered. We were not put on this earth to be doormats, emotionally abused, manipulated, controlled, belittled etc. I need to prove to myself that I am strong, I can make it and my daughter can see that no woman deserves less than being respected. She needs a mentally strong mother! Walking away was easy, it was the courage that was needed. Surround yourself with like minded people. Turn to Pastoral counselling. Prayer. Speak about it. You don’t have to be ashamed! God Bless
Glad to hear you’re on a healthier, happier path, Beverley-Anne. Sending you lots of love and strength. Mwah!
I said enough to a long time friend. I just couldn’t do it any more. We don’t live close any more. She had to go into a senior residence complex. I held her hand when her husband had Altzheimers… I brought crafts to do. I broth dinners. I brought and the list goes on and on and on. They were hoarders of collections and everything else. It overflowed the house, basement garage and endless storage units. She couldn’t deal with it or anything else. Still kept in touch, phone calls things I found to send her.. She needed knee replacements. When she didn’t want to hear any not Resentful silence would ensue. She was helpless and everyone but her DIL and I enabled her. Couldn’t pay bills on time.. Couldn’t fund important papers and this list goes on. Last week after she had her replacement and didn’t know the schedule for her Neff or even what they were.. Something snapped for me. It was fine until it wasn’t. Told her I’m done.. Grow up and be an adult and said don’t contact me. Always about her. Passive aggressive taker.. So that what I just did and I don’t regret it at all. With one bedroom she mansged to not do laundry for a month. I need it and I’m much happier and I feel lighter
Glad you’re happier now, Jenna. Sending you love. xo!
I have a boyfriend of 6 years for the past 2 years it has been the worst in the beginning of January 2019 up till now he has left me at the very beginning of the month it all started changing when his mother lived here and he was working somewhere with his mother and family we would get in our arguments we would fight to where he would tell me he doesn’t love me anymore it doesn’t want to be with me he wants to be by himself blocks me from the phone then a couple of days later he changes his whole story he wants to come home and everything’s supposed to be good but the reason why he left in first place he said was because I pushed him away if that is the case why keep coming back he’s nice to me during that time to my face but when he is around his family he hollers cusses and treats me like I’m nothing now he’s wanting to come back I need him financially but I don’t need to keep playing these games with him any advice
Leaving my husband of 17 years. I have three children from the marriage and my oldest has been telling me to leave the abusive relationship for years. My first response was, “well he doesn’t hit us”. It took two years for me to muster the courage to file for divorce. I had cheated (an unhealthy attempt at coping with an unhealthy situation) and of course it gave validation to all the negative things he would make me believe about myself. I was also afraid of being on my own with three children. I had dreamed for years that when they grew up I could leave, like it was my job to stay married to him just so we could afford to live. I now see that these fears were irrational. The man I’m leaving comes from a very toxic family. I truly hope he can heal, but I simply cannot shoulder any of his negativity any more. I am facing things like selling our house, possibly leaving my job to go back home to family, being financially strapped for a bit.. But the improvement I’ve seen in myself and my children without him in our lives is worth it. Life is too short to focus on the business side of things. These matters flow as do all aspects of life if we let them. I am writing this in hopes that I can help someone out there, as all of you have helped me through this time in my life. You can do it, change seems scary but the freedom is well worth it.
I believe I was ready to walk away a year ago. The dynamics change in relationships, then some individuals change for the wrong reasons. Many change to get something, they think they deserve. Some try and create BS without being truthful. So many different dynamics, it gives me a headache. I just stick with my beliefs and logic. Though I believe you wrote this with a lot of experience. I remember always being on guard in my last relationship. The relationship never felt right. I always felt I was kept for empathy and venting. I knew someday I would get the answers. Some individuals are great at lying pathologically. When you’re trying to be truthful, they take it out of context. Some have exes as friends for a reason. Be cautious of toxic individuals when they break up with you. They’ll try and make you stay or feel guilty. Someone that truly loves you, will never make you feel guilty. Friendship is not second place, they’ll give you false hope, and cut off contact; without working things out. Its then, when you realize why everyone stays. I’m still learning to adapt to changing the self. I will never trust another individual that believes they do nothing wrong in relationships. I’m just happy to have moved on and started to forget they ever exsisted. I used to think the 8 years were great, now they seemed like a nightmare.
Thank you for the post Cass. It is very inspiring and it gives me great hope in realizing I’m not delusional in wanting more than unhappiness for the sake of keeping a family unit whole. Life is too short to stay with someone who isn’t as committed to showing change when it’s needed.
Thanks for the amazing blog. Must read for the people who are going through relationship traumas. I’ve been thinking
to breakup with my boyfriend but couldn’t bring up the courage to confess this to him. Hoping to find a way soon.
Proper Insightful.
Thanks Kris for this read as it’s has comforted me on so many levels. I thank you for being real and letting us all into your life . That takes courage xoxo
Kris, I love your info and enthusiasm! I worked with Dr. Ann Wigmore at the first Hippocrates Health Institute, Back Bay, Boston. Vegan, raw food, many juices, wheatgrass, many, many healings. We all are fortunate to stand on the shoulders of the pioneers who lead the way.
Regarding THIS blog, I work with sea turtles and conservation and a picture of balloons with the word “release” below, tho meant with great love, holds a harmful visual. People actually DO this and the results kill.
I’m just lonely. I don’t have children. I’m 46. I divorced at 40. My mother past away in 2004 my father is a narcissist drunk. I’m dating a guy 5 years that I divorced my husband to him with, total mistake. My ex-husband remarried a year after. The guy I’m with lol a still married says he will not pay for a divorce, it’s just a piece of paper lol oh my. Well, I can’t keep a job. I’m afraid of my health. I’m a diabetic that has undergone a multiple transplants. I can’t think straight.i do not have a supportive family friend foundation. I have felt like I needed to commit myself to the looney bin but I’m a nurse and that would not look great on my history for instability. I have found my savior just not been able to commit to other Christians. My anointing with God is a gift of a prophetic intercessor. I have found out that I’m an introvert through reading. I hope to find a connection to open up too, to be able to feel alive, energetic at this age 46
He left me. I accepted and he walked out the door. I dont beg and plead for you to love me. I did it a couple of times and it just backfires on you. There was no explanation, just left. Realizing I had to start over which I thought I had when getting out of being homeless 10/17. This has a horrible story to it on what was done to me after the breakup by my ex as he continues to gang stalk/electrical harressment till today. I debated for a while before reporting to the FBI. I hated doing it because as as much hate that he has for me I still cared, whats wrong with this picture. The program that he is doing can result in committing suicide or they do harm to you. What would you do?
I need some advice please. I feel like I am drowning in my insecurities and my relationship is falling apart. We have been 5 years together and have a beautiful daughter. Sometimes I just want to leave because I feel so undesirable. I found out that when we broke up 7 months of being together for talking to his ex that I was second choice which my heart broke in pieces mostly finding out 5 years later. He told me that he was waiting for her messages and that he had thought of having sex with her. I wish sometimes that this would be the only thing but was not. He had multiple sex partners before me. That would not really matter to me if it wasn’t that he had sex with them for hours and multiple times in one day but with me since the beginning of our relationship and in 5 years we have never had sex that way. The most we ever had sex could be an 1 1/2 and only one time maybe two but in hours in between. Not compare to them that was back to back to 4 times in one day. I dont know if im going crazy making something a big deal when its not but I feel that he never desired me the same way. He was my first serious relationship and I met him when I was 18 he was 22. It was only 4 months difference between one of his ex that he had sex that way till he met me. So it could not be because he grew out of that sexuality. He says that I wasn’t a sexual person but I barely ever had sex before him so how can I know. But why would that matter if you lust someone it would not matter you still can’t take your hands off each other so why wasn’t he like that with me. I am so torn by this and dont know what to do. Can I get someone’s advice? Please.
I cut my entire seriously dysfunctional, highly narcissistic, birth family or of my life two weeks after I found out they had all lied, betrayed and abandoned me on Christmas day, 2013. Long story short, my extremely manipulative, very evil, covert narcissistic mother had been telling both my sisters and my younger brother that I had been breaking into their house and stealing many of her and my father’s extremely strong and highly addictive prescription narcotics for quite sometime, along with many other lies, and telling my father that my husband and I had been stealing money from them by asking to borrow large sums of money then refusing to repay it every time my mother called asking for it back. I had had an addiction problem for a few years due to seven spinal surgeries where I was the ones who begged both my doctors and my husband to PLEASE get me help and get me off those DAMN pills. I went into a treatment facility on December 4th, 2007, and with the exception of a 3 day relapse in August of 2012 that I quickly admitted to and got right back on my program with, I had been clean ever since. When my parents up and moved to where me and my family lived in December of 2009 and then found this quack doctor to start prescribing all these heavy narcotics for both of them for bogus reasons, I immediately went out and bought a $100 safe that required both a key and a secret code to open. I refused to own a key to their home nor would I let them give me the code to open their garage to gain entry into their home that way. So just how she was able to convince all of them that I was breaking into there home, stealing enough of their drugs to make them both run out so early that they were both going into withdrawals is beyond me. But SHE was abusing both of their medications so she HAD to come up with something and since I had the previous problem, it worked. The lie she was giving about the money was what SHE was actually doing to me and my husband. To the point that WE flat REFUSED to give her even $5 anymore. By this point She already owed us about $5000 and my father had no idea.
On Christmas day in 2013 my mother had asked me 4 weeks pryer if I would have my entire family(minus my younger sister because she was on one of her hate me years that she did every 5 years) at my home for Christmas day. Only problem was it was just shy of 4 weeks since having a total hysterectomy due to cervical cancer and I was still in a lot of pain (a surgery none of my siblings were there for, before. During, or after when I had been there for each of them for all of theirs’) For four weeks my mother continuously told me all she was bringing, coordinating it with what I was making and telling me they would all be there ” by 1pm at the latest”. So after cleaning my home from top to bottom, spending $200 on food. Well over $400 on gifts for everyone, washing crystal and China by hand and not going to sleep at all to get everything done in time and get dinner cooked on time not a single one of them came or had the decency to call and say they weren’t coming. We called for hours and they couldn’t even pick up the phone. Turns out my sister who hates me had become best friends with my older sister who had always hated her and now they both hated me and believed all my mother’s lies and my younger sister had decided the night before to go on and come over and instead of letting me know so me and my family could go on and eat and enjoy our Christmas and our children could open their gifts, they decided we all deserved to suffer. It was well after 6pm before my 25 year old niece secretly answered the phone to let me know what was going on behind my back, that my entire family, the parents, that my husband and children and I had single handedly cared for, without one ounce of help from any of my siblings for 19 straight years, and both my sisters that I had loved unconditionally all my life and never even said an unkind thing to and my niece, nephew and would soon include my own brother, were 15 minutes down the road celebrating Christmas without ever calling to invite us, let us know they weren’t coming, ever pick up the phone when we called frantic a thousand times wondering what was going on. Nothing. The whole times talking about me like I was a dog, My own mother leading the pack. For one whole week my mother lied to my face blaming this on my sisters. Telling me how angry my father was when she told him what “THEY” had DONE” to me. Then, she gave me sob stories, complete with crocodile tears, trying to make ME feel sorry for HER about how horrible it was having my sister and her family at her house for a week. After two weeks of this I went to her house and confronted her in front of my dad. She had one more surprise for me. She had told my father that my husband and I had $1500 of theirs and when I walked in my the first thing my father says is that he knows we have it and that I can go ahead and give it back right then. My mother has the audacity to be standing behind him motioning for me to please write him a check, FROM MY ACCOUNT, to bail her out of one of the many lies she’s been spreading about me! So I just let her have it! Told my dad the truth told her exactly what I thought of her and that I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from my family. My father had dementia and sindowners and was basically out of his mind and stuck up for my mother and told me he never wanted to see me again either. So I walked out and that was the last time I allowed anyone in my life again. My father got very ill last March and I snuck into ICU without anyone knowing and he cried and tried to talk and tried to get out of the bed to get to me. I spoke and he squeezed my hand. He was beyond grateful I came. He said he was so sorry. He loved me. I did too and we made our peace. I lay there with him for two hours. He died at home two weeks later. We never saw each other again. Late last December I found out that he discovered all my mother’s lies about the money and moved all his retirement into a new account without her name or anyone else’s on it, except mine. I was named the person payable upon death. It was $4000. The only money that my mother couldn’t get her greedy hands on. After 80 years. My mother took every single dime my poor father had made and saved except $4000. And she was trying her damndest to get it. That’s how I found out about it. But he left It for me. My sisters only came in at the last minute for the inheritance and there wasn’t even any because of their mother. I just took care of my dad because I loved him so much and in the end, he figured out the truth. After many hate filled phone calls from all of them over three long years and one month stay in a trauma hospital I am finally free. No contact for 5 years and my life is so wonderful I want to pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming! I only wish my daddy was here. But in a way. He kinda is. Right!?
I’m just grasping at straws,,I will read your messages again,,,to try to make sense of this toxic situation,,.thank you,,,
This is my 4th marriage and my husband is very good through all my health issues, but during his 2 divorces, he’s always dated younger women. He’s only 4 months older than I, and already there’s a younger woman with her friend coming around our home. We’ve been together longer than married and he’s entertaining talking to them because he knows I’m jealous of them, I don’t what to do! I’ve been through these type of relationship with all 3 ex-husbands.
If only we all had such clarity. Yet we can and ty Chris for reminding us of that.