Kris Carr

Emotional Health

Toxic Relationship Signs

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As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.

In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.

Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.

While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”

But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

Let’s get brave and tell the truth.

Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.

Questions to ponder:

  • Is the pain too great to stay the same?
  • Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
  • Do I need a translator to be heard?
  • Is it impossible to make boundaries?
  • Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
  • Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
  • Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
  • Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
  • Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
  • If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
  • Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
  • Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
  • Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
  • Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
  • Do I find myself missing the old me?
  • And so on…

If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.

 

How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships

Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.

I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.

The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.

Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.

Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.

Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.

Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.

Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.

Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.

Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.

If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.

What’s on the other side of change?

Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.

Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.

Peace & bag packing,

 
 
Add a comment
  1. Dennis says:

    Thank you for this post. I’m trying to get over a girl that I loved but turned out to be a narcissist. She hurt me bad yet I keep thinking about her.
    I’m sure I’ll be o.k. ss soon as another girl cones along. Especially one with a soul. I’m a good looking guy. Good personality. Responsible. Hard working. A good catch.
    I just made a mistake falling into her trap.
    She is/was beautiful. Time to move on. Just having a hell of a time not thinking about her.

  2. Destiny says:

    I was dating a guy named Jonathan. He cheated on me five times and always made empty promises. I thought he would change, he promised he would. i was always, always crying. i was miserable but when he was with me it was amazing. So i ended it and blocked him. But i unblocked him and he keeps guilt tripping me. I cant just end the communication. its not that easy. I wanna talk to him but i cant say hey without an i miss you followed by a love me again. So yeah… I’m doing research…

    • Destiny says:

      also. It was always about him. My plans for the future, my dreams. You cant do that. Where do i fit in. It molded my entire life and i lost myself.

  3. Dan says:

    So what does the question, “Do you need and interpreter?” Mean / indicate?
    And yes I do, my 21 year old step daughter jokes that she can say the exact same idea and it’s a great idea while all my ideas are too expensive, unimportant, or we don’t have time for that.

    I feel like my world just cracked, does this mean I am abused? (My therapist just told me I was). What if all the major (I am dyslexic and my parents were very hard on me, compared me to my brilliant brother the doctor, where as I had to be the lawyer, and not ever good as him). Are you trying to tell me that all my relationships in my life had this feature… does this mean I am seriously choosing to be abused!?!?!

    What the hell is wrong with me, why do the people who hurt me the most not listen to me? Are you trying to tell me that dull aching feeling of never being smart enough, good enough, tough enough actually goes away?!?

    I feel like that is my life… what comes after it? Why can’t the people I love just love me and hear me? Why does this keep happenin?

  4. Ashley says:

    What a lovely read. I left my ex almost two months ago and man was it a struggle to do so. He was truly bad for my mind, body and health. So many terrible things he had done to me over the 2 1/2 years we were together but those things should be forgiven with no question because he “loved me more than his own life”
    I’m not going to lie. He has made it rough on me these last two months. Popping up at places I’m at with me having no idea how he knows I’m there because I moved an hour and 1/2 away from him when I left. Calling/texting my friends and family. Either insulting them or sending private pictures of me to them. Even so much as stealing my car and tearing the inside of it apart. But, guess what. I don’t care about any of that stuff
    I am finally, after so very long myself again. As I’m writing this, tears are streaming down my face because I am me again. I got my happiness back. So to anyone out there who may be wondering, you can do this too if you know in your heart you need out. ❤️

  5. Lisa says:

    Kris, I truly needed this at this moment. I am 57 years old, been with my husband four years, married three, living apart a year-and-a-half. I can truly say I poured my heart and soul into this relationship. We cannot get along. I end up feeling like crap every day. Everyone around me, friends, family, have gently (and sometimes not so gently) told me I am killing myself, my chronic disease is acting up and I am truly miserable. I am finally filing this Saturday and your article truly hit my heart in a great way. Especially, the no last digs. I want to walk away and be able to know that I did nothing to shadow my soul in doing so. Thank you!

  6. Pam heiser says:

    Thank you Kris, this helped calm the soul in the middle of the night after a long term is relationship ended. I feel empty but calm, no tears just thoughts. Don’t know where to go from here, hoping for peace this time alone.

  7. Miranda says:

    I was with someone whom I thought was wonderful – fabulous dates, lots of laughs, and a lot of “quality time” together. Our relationship blossomed into something special and I felt so loved everyday.
    And then he put a ring on my finger.
    As soon as we were engaged his mother and sister demanded certain things and started treating me differently. I’m convinced his sister was jealous that her “guardian” would have to take care of someone else. The red flags started popping up! He would be extremely concerned with what his mother/sister said it always had to be that way. My opinion never mattered. But wait, aren’t I supposed to be your wife in 9 short months?
    Our engagement was a nightmare. From not being allowed to have an opinion, to having my ring taken off my finger when I chose to not invite his mother wedding dress shopping. To fearing for my life when he got behind the wheel when I didn’t do something FOR his family. To walking into my own engagement party and hearing his say “let’s go pretend to be happy”.
    I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, I couldn’t eat or be healthy and I knew my body was telling me SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. But I loved HIM. But I couldn’t love just him without THEM destroying what we had.
    I made the most painful decision to cancel our wedding 90 days shy of walking down the aisle. I slept like a baby that night. We ended up reuniting a month or so after I called everything off and tried to work things out with a counselor. He promised he wouldn’t call my family names (called my pregnant sister fat) and that he wouldn’t put me in danger. But he went back and did it so badly one night that I broke a picture frame against a wall. I knew it wasn’t ME to do that. He forced me to sleep in the same bed as him that night and tried to kiss me when he left the next morning. I knew I’d never spend another day with him when he drove away.
    10 days later he still acted like nothing had happened that it was just a “fight”. And I had to finally say that I was getting off the hamster wheel. That I wouldn’t tolerate being gaslighted or accused of having mental disorders. It was painful. I cried so much and I miss him sometimes but asking myself all those questions from the article above make me realize that HE was not for ME.
    I miss the good times and the happy days but those are long gone because it was never authentic. I’ve come to find out that the same exact thing happened with the gf before me. I guess I’m not the problem.
    So sad. But I’m happy to be a part of a community of women and warriors who respect and honor themselves to know they can be treated better, to know that although we cannot see it – the future holds something better for us. And that getting comfortable in the uncomfortable is NOT an option. Thank you

  8. Hookup Apps says:

    First love is an amazing feeling of life.

  9. Jack says:

    I just broke up with my on and off again ex. The constant Boyfriend then Just Friends game was wearing me down..
    She really started acting different and I asked her about it but it always ends with Nothing…. Or okay……. But I realized what always goes wrong we we use to be on and off. After reading this at random it sung to me and I’m making changes right now.

  10. Julie says:

    I slit up 8 months ago after a 9 year relationship it still hurts today but doesnt help be seeing him local you. He wants me back but my gut is telling me that he will hurt me again .we have been off and on for the last five years now .don’t no how to just let go but need to .

  11. miranda says:

    I just couldn.t deal anymore wit he complains,gossip and trying ho fix me from my friend. Oud contact just fade out. My husband stil hangs out wit her husband,that’s hard feels a little like betrayel,but he can do wat ever he wants.

  12. Alice says:

    A chance romantic meeting with a charismatic guy with an Elvis smile. Too good to be true.. Well of course…. I was juggled around with 2 other women who believed they were the one… The most difficult withdrawal process… One week in bed with wine…. Sad songs and tears… One week in the garden; clearing weeds and digging. Amazing I started to feel better and stronger. The guy came around for a visit and I saw him differently… I was no longer hooked. I had drunk, cried, weeded and dug him out of my system. And a line I read – ‘Never give all of your love to a person – otherwise you will not cope with being alone.’ And I realized that I had done that and in the process had become needy and the love toxic. Now of course he is running after me hard out. And I feel free and at peace.

  13. Diana says:

    I appreciate everyone’s backgrounds and stories that I’ve read.

    I’m struggling to cut ties with my husband, we were in love very newly friends and we married on a whim because he needed a green card and we thought we had very similar goals in life- but we really didn’t know or understand each other.

    It turns out he was legally still married to his now ex when we got married and I found out after the fact, we now need to annul our marriage, my heart hurts, there’s been so much adulatory, emotionally relationship secrecy, manipulation and debt lies and he is now wanting to remarry again now w/o a bigamy title and attempt at filing for a green card. But still with all the bs and my family and friends telling me I deserve better and being a successful smart independent woman I can’t help but feel like I walking away and giving up on someone I never connected with greatly but whom I could have “had” a great future with I’m holding on to the “idea” of peace and I don’t know how to let it go and truly believe I deserve respect and greatness.

    How do we remove our self hate and guilt even when we are smart enough to know we deserve better but we just can’t forgive ourselves and love ourselves.? How do we learn to love ourselves enough to feel like we deserve greatness, I hope to learn compassion and kindness for myself so that I can let go of this fear and be ready to face life with an open heart.

    Thank you all for sharing I hope that your courageous acts of moving on will one day encourage and motivate me to realize I too can get past this and be free and forgive and love myself.

  14. Pink lady says:

    My boyfriend and I have been fighting off and on for quite a some time within our relationship and we have been together nearly 4 years. We can’t seem to have any serious or constructive conversation about our relationship without it escalating and turning into either me crying and walking away or him yelling a series of insults then storming off. I try so hard to maintain a level headed and open minded attitude when we start to fight but at times he is completely rude and hurtful and doesn’t give me a chance to speak so I can’t help but bear my emotions. Today I asked him to tell me if something was bothering him and he said no so I told him I only asked because I felt he was a bit distant and maybe upset. I also told him if hes feeling emotional and doesnt want to talk about it, thats fine too just let me know and ill drop it. I just genuinely was worried about the depressive state he seemed to be in this morning. He started by saying he’s having issues with his kids, money, job, and because our relationship has been having some struggles he is having a hard time dealing. Then he laid everything on me, apparently “months” off issues he’d been holding in about our relationship, claiming that he can’t talk to me so it’s all my fault it’s all balled up in the first place. And its because of me he doesnt even enjoy his days off anymore. So I just sat there and listened and tried to be responsive and supportive and asked him what I could do differently to be more supportive to him and to my surprise this seemed to set him off even more. Then he told me to fuck off. And I said that it hurt my feelings and he said… oh here we go the cycle continues you start crying and walk away…. and then I did. I couldnt help it, I told him it hurt and then he just rubbed salt in the wound. It made me feel like he just didn’t care about my emotions at all, go cry you big baby. He went outside. I put my jacket on and went for a walk to clear my head while seeking relationship advice on forums. I came home and helped out with the yard work for a bit without either of us speaking or even looking one another in the eye. Then when I decided to break the ice I told him if he is going to tell me to fuck off then it’s not going to be easy having these conversations. His reaction to me saying this, of course, lead to another fight. No easing into it just straight anger that i would have the audacity to be upset about this after what id been putting him thru emotionally for months. Apparently for him, telling me to fuck off was a perfectly acceptable way for him to communicate with me and he sees nothing wrong with it. He did say he didn’t mean to hurt me but it felt kind of insincere. This time it ends in him telling me it doesn’t work between us and walking away while yelling things from the other room like, “I told you it wasn’t a good time and you just keep pushing!” And “this is fucking ridiculous I have no idea what we’re doing together”. I replied back that if it wasn’t a good time I’d advise him to stop saying things to me that you might not mean that could hurt me…to which he slammed the door in the middle of my sentence. And here I am looking at suicide hotlines wondering if i should call just because I have no one else to talk to about this at the moment. I just don’t know where to go from here. Our relationship, our dogs, our home, and our life together are meaningful but is it worth it if were having these fights all the time and we’re never able to resolve them but just block them out to avoid the “cycle”?

  15. Robyn says:

    I had to break up with a “best” friend who didn’t step up when I was sick with cancer. I overextended myself to her during her time of need, but when I was faced with life and death quite literally, her selfish narcissism rose to the surface, and although I loved her like a sister and tried to salvage the friendship, my emotional connection to her was severed. It still makes me sad but I know it was for the best to release her and her self-absorbed ways from my life, a life I fought so hard to save.

  16. Lucy says:

    The weird thing I’ve noticed now that if someone is wrong for me, I get spots in a bad way all over my face and back. Its as if my body is trying to repel/uglify these men away from me because I’m hoping for something better.

  17. Tash says:

    Thanks so much for your supporting inspiration, just at the right time!

  18. Kassie says:

    I grew up in an abusive & negelected home. I’ve been with the same guy for 3 years , and when I didn’t have food or clean clothes or I was being mistreated he would come and get me and take care of me. I have lived with him for over a year now and I don’t have a car or anything and I’m in college , so he takes me where I need to go. He has lied to me more than once about flirting / being sexual with other girls , which I consider cheating, and I caught him each time by figuring out his password on his phone / sliding it under his finger for a fingerprint . I also caught his friends sending nudes of other girls to him & he swore he deleted social media , but I found out he didn’t. He broke up with me for a while & we got back together , and about 2 months ago he swore he was going to a friends house to play video games . I FaceTimed him & he wouldn’t prove where he was & I heard loud music. He didn’t call me to tell me he made it home and he lied about drinking . I found out from a friend that he was playing beer pong and has been partying for weeks . We argue 24/7 and he swears he will change but he never does. He keeps his phone on silent, not even on vibrate, he has a privacy screen, and keeps his brightness all of the way down, I always say something to him about seeing his phone but he says no because of how I act. If I wear makeup, or do my hair, and dress up nicely , he treats me differently . The other day when I was at school I wore leggings and a crop top, he refused to kiss me and said he couldn’t give me attention when I wanted it from other people. He never goes anywhere anymore because I can’t trust him & I have tried to, but he disappoints me every time. I don’t know what to do because I feel like I need Him to survive and I feel like he is the only person that would do anything for me . Please help me with my situation.

  19. kevin says:

    How do you ever get over someone not letting you see your kids when you’ve done nothing wrong but love them.she was a cheat,had two abortions an says it was my fault cause she thought it was wrong letting me having to watch her raise two other men’s kids whilst she raised mine.she stopped me seeing my kids cause she said I was a scumbag and wouldn’t take her to court.as far as I can tell she’s just one Evil mess off a girl.being a dad just doesn’t seam enough and I hate my life without out my children.

  20. Rene says:

    Thank you all for the words. I now know what to do. I’ve been in a 3 month relations which was wonderful the first two months. He then started pulling away cause he says he caught me flirting. Now he has a lot of trust issues and since then I feel like I’m the only one in this relationship and that he has given up. I am the only one making any effort to see him. I feel sick to my stomach and cannot stand this anymore. I cannot even tell him how I feel cause he gets terribly upset and just tells me he had enough drama and shit from woman in his life so it really feels like I’m fighting a loosing battle. I was also afraid of another relationship not working out. I am 37 and never been married. But after reading all the comments I realise that it is not going to get any better, in fact, the longer I try the less time I am going to have moving on with someone who cares for me. Thank you girls …. I now know what to do.

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