Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
It’s bteen 14 years in this relationship where I stayed with raising our eleven year old son. He’s adopted some behavior from his father and it’s time to go now but I can’t figure out how to. Moving to another state, maybe. A few years ago I met this incredible person, made me feel like death was approaching. Too good to be true, I’ve fallen in love. And I’m unsure of this since I have no clue what love is. I have learned that it’s definitely not what I’ve lived in these 14 years. Staying here with my son is not an option but I can’t seem to pick up and leave, he said to me in front of our son that if it weren’t for him we would be on the street. Things get rough when we argue sometimes but this is not what I want not how I planned to have a family. Please help
I feel utterly worthless unless I am in a relationship. I am now 47 and have wasted almost 18 years with the same guy who always put his beer before me. I finally sold our home and got out but after 4 months I called him and have been taking care of him again ever since, just over two years. We do not live together and he is now doing cocaine even after open heart surgery. Why do I feel responsible for him and why do I feel so worthless without him. He treats me like shit and I do everything for him. I wasted so many years with this person. I do not have children and feel washed up at 47. I also do not have any girlfriends. I am grateful to have found your website and will cling to whatever advice you give. Thank you
Nice it’s helpful 🙂 Thanks for sharing !!
I decided to cut a relationship with an ex boyfriend that made me unhappy and even though it was sad I know I did the best to protect my heart and my dignity. Also my anxiety started to disappear.
i wish i could understand more about my decision taking by getting much inspiration,its so encouraging to reading your article Kris.
I have just left a toxic relationship last sunday. I’m at a loss because I’m afraid that I will go back as I have numerous times before. I’m scared and I’m pissed off. worst is I have such a deep connection to him and my heart is broken. I can’t say he is an awful guy, he obviously has good qualities and there is even a part of me that believes he truly doesn’t know how he emotionally abuse me but its not all his fault. I HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO DO IT TO ME!!! Everything he liked about me, outgoing, upbeat, great personality, pure heart, he gas managed to steal from me in these last 5 years. I don’t know who Lori is anymore. o lol in the mirror and the o resin looking back at me is someone I have never incurred before. I feel lost, defeated, heartbroken. I hate him I love him all in the same breath. I have no money because I quit my job because I was accused if doing something I didn’t do and I quit him for basically doing the same thing. I have taken to writing in my journal which I used to do all the time until him. I’ve written things down and hung them up in my room to remind me how he makes me feel. He has no clue that I won’t be back because I have gone back so many times before and I’m really scared of the day that he contacts me when he realizes that I’m not going to come back of how I’m going to be able to handle it emotionally. How it’s being handled now, and the part I haven’t mentioned if it he is a neighbor of mine big mistake big mistake huge mistake and unfortunately I can see him out my back window that is how close we live together for the past 5 years I have basically lived at his home and have only come to my home to shower and get ready for work so even my home doesn’t offer much Solice. I feel like a scared little girl I went to go see a counselor but I have no insurance and only enough money to get me through my bills for next month. I feel like a hopeless cause. It has been a toxic relationship with a little bit of emotional abuse thrown in for the kick of it and I’ve allowed it all to happen even though I know I can’t take the blame completely I still wear that burden on my shoulders.
I’m still in the limbo….i love this man (been with him for fairly 6 years, of lies and cheating, but I don’t know why my heart says he is the one) last 2 yrs, the cheating and lies are gone (Or so I hope) but still his ex, mother of his kids is in the picture, we were living together but last argument I kicked him out, n now he won’t come back to live with me, he is trying to get a house to move in together, but my fears are back, and I don’t know if this is the way to go for me, please help me think.
I started dating my soon to be ex last summer. We went to high school together and reconnected on tinder a decade later. When we were together things were great, we had so much in common we would joke that we were twins. But then he started acting weird. Distant sometimes, and other times he was all about me. Long story short I did some digging and found out, after 4 months of us dating, he had a gf. We started dating while they were on a break. So many red flags!! This guy is obviously very selfish, is a skilled liar and cheater. And also very manipulative, turning a lot of things around on me and at the same time sending me flowers and love letters. After a few months of going back and forth, he left the other girl and then we we’re together constantly. After a month of things seeming perfect, he moved in my house. Now, two months later, he’s saying we moved too fast and he wants a break, but he still loves me blah blah blah. I don’t know why I’ve let him treat me like this and I wish I was strong enough to say ok fuck it, go. I deserve better. And so does my 8 year old son. And while my brain knows that, I still find myself checking my phone to see if he texted me. It hurts to let go but I know I’m the long run it’s going to hurt more trying to constantly work things out with him after we fight every other week bc of his issues.
I recently ended a 3 year relationship 2 days ago..but it feels like it isn’t over. Every time i try to leave the threats, harassment, guilt tripping, and manipulations start flooding in. He even uses our own dog against me and threatens to take him away from me. Even though i found him through a long, pain staking search through rescue shelters and paid for him myself. Throughout our relationship, he was unreliable. He was never there when he said he’d be, didn’t ever follow through with anything. Would do something he knew was wrong and then would turn it around place the blame on me. When i was calm, he would yell until i began to yell…then he would become calm and ask why i was acting so crazy and attacking him. We rarely went out to do anything fun. There would be days on end where he would sit on the computer night and day ignoring me completely, and when i tried to make plans with my friends to go out and just do SOMETHING..he would start giving me attention but also make me feel bad and tell me that he wanted to take me to whatever place i was planning on going to, and then we’d never end up going. The yelling, fighting, finger pointing, and manipulation, it never ends. It’s just been a non stop rollercoaster and I really hope that i can finally get off it without him terrorizing me every day for it. Sometimes I feel as if I need to just move far away to be able to get out and start over. Hoping for the best and trying to stay strong. All of your stories and words of encouragement are really helping me keep my confidence. Thanks : )
It’s been four years since I said goodbye. This article gave me courage, so thank you, Kris. But I still haven’t gotten over him. I’m still crying over him, so often. It’s 3am. I’ve been crying for over an hour cause I had a dream about him. All your good words are welcome. I think I’ll get over it, but how long will it take, I wonder? We’ve spent 11 years together. We were engaged. When I left, he moved with the neirbourgh and they’ve had a baby together since then. And I’m 37, still alone. I don’t know how to get over it… xx
I’ve been putting off letting go of a man who has been a pretty steady part of my life for the past year. He swept me off my feet, or should I say, he tripped me essentially. I’ve played the blame game, tried to help him with his inner issues because I can relate to a lot of them, bent over backwards when I didn’t need to, became the one who always initiated plans&started conversation. He’s belittled me one minute and says he loves me, how beautiful I am and how he owes me the world the next minute. I feel invisible and idiotic for sticking around this long. I am currently 4 months pregnant with his child due November 5. I didn’t think I could conceive because of what I’ve been told by many doctors over the years, so this is definitely a miracle baby. In the middle of all this (I’ve left out lots of details I’m not trying to write a novel), I do have a man in my life who has been a constant source of support, love and stability. My best friend and on again off again boyfriend for about 9 years now. He’s stuck my my side through thick and thin as cliche as it sounds. He’s had every reason to turn his back on me and leave and he hasn’t. I am very lucky to still have him around and have his support and love. He knows about the other man, since he and I split up and I moved out on my own for the first time last year. He doesn’t like seeing me unhappy and does everything he can to put a smile on my face. The toxic individual has provided nothing but temporary and false happiness. I still find myself contacting him recently, trying to get the support my child and I deserve but wil obviously never get. I am slowly but surely backing away and blocked him on several sites as well as my phone this morning. I know I’m stronger and better than that. My future daughter deserves better and all the stress I feel from the actions of this emotionally abusive person, she most likely feels and I feel incredibly guilty. I need to stay away and not look back, but with the pregnancy and him wanting to be a father one minute then saying he doesn’t want to be the next has really gotten my head all screwed up. I’m choosing for now to walk away as much as all of this hurts, I know it won’t get better. Sorry this was such a long post, but I figured I would get it out there.
You always hit the nail on the head. You are deep Kris… true blue heart and genuine… Love your honesty:)
Reading these is exhausting but productive: we’re peers, experiencing similar angst and release.
A tool from the Four Agreements is very helpful to me:
“To not take anything anyone says or does personally.”
That removes the need to react, respond or internalize another’s behavior.
It’s very freeing!
I was raised by a “mother” who used me as her BF and sounding board, rather than being able to maintain any type of adult relationship or be a mother to us: I became hers. She used an unhappy school environment as an easy way to abduct me, taking me 800 miles away, in a day.
I never thought of myself.
I was her personal “shrink,” but at age ten (or before) I was too young to understand emotional abuse. I was proud of my position and didn’t “get” how I missed out on having a separate identity or even a childhood. It took being hit by her to choose my father but I did in a second; leaving behind my pet and most of my belongings.
When I married, foolishly, at 18, my brother talked me into breaking my silence to her, to ask her to the wedding but it backfired: she wanted to break our agreed rules to bring a boyfriend so she was cordially uninvited.
She lived far away and we remained in touch by phone but that quickly ended at the moment she returned to dramatics. More than 30 years passed without her controlling anything about me, while she poisoned every other relationship she’d ever made or had by moving in and creating havoc. No one remained on speaking terms with her.
After I discovered a picture from our past posted on the Net – a query to find her “lost” family – my older bro. said to ignore it. I did but I was always afraid she would show up, move in and manipulate my new family; it was always in the back of my mind. I had lost my home, family, friends and dog to her, before. She had a rally high I.Q. and would tailor her game personally, for each victim.
She’d sent us each a very long letter (I never opened) typed at over 200 wpm.
Years passed, as did my aged father: he refused to have any notice made of his death, almost 40 years after their divorce, just so she would not find any way to be involved; I wasn’t the only one afraid!
I finally saw her obituary posted, on-line, called my brother and felt relieved. I didn’t realize just how much until later:
I was out in the yard, gardening, when I realized I was whistling a tune from the Wizard of Oz: “Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the wicked witch…”
Oh, my!
The witch WAS dead and she’d never met or even known of my chilren!
I smiled: I’d done well.
Now I am free.
It feels so good to read what you write. It takes courage to be who you are meant to be. Sometimes it feels too late in life”s journey.
Very helpful post indeed! I think it is better to end a relationship that is nothing but altogether dead. If someone is just not contented in any kind of relationship, it would be much better for him/her to say goodbye instead of making a surplus of effort. However, if there is any hope for the sun to rise, certainly one must do everything to save his/her relationship. Thanks for your valuable tips!
Hi am my name is Ify. Am 31and he is 46. We have been married for five years now. The truth is that when I was dating him till we got married. I have never enjoyed sex with him no romance, no chemistry. I hoped that one day the chemistry will come but it never did. I have tried to explain to him what am going through but he is listening rather he sees me as a corrupt woman. Seriously everyday the keeps on getting boring. I want separation from him but when I discussed with my parents they are not in support of it. Someday I see myself crying begging God to set me free from this marriage. Am so tired of it. We have a daughter.
Im scared to death, my bags are packed and getting ready to walk away from the one I love. I can’t handle the ls and the cheating. I am such good person, i don’t deserve this, but in the back of my mind, all i want is for her to storm through the door begging me to to go and that the changes she promises will actually happen. But i know in my heart it won’t.
My whole adult life.. Never thought about forever after. Until HE contacted me. Against my morals and better judgement. I let the walls fall to experience true love for the first time. I hate myself for typing this.. Yes. He is married. He told her about me. They have lived separate lives but lived together for their child. Wife handled it in a very upset manner. HE said he would divorce to move on with his life to be happy.. After I allowed our relationship to continue. Over two years. Hurting all that is involved. I told him it is over. He moved in with me but went back due to their son. Says he will leave and time goes on.. Always an excuse to not pay for the divorce. I hurt his family.. I will have to live with that. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused and for the pain I am in now.. It is over. Trust is gone. I felt since he was honest to her. That we had a chance. I let love come and I didn’t think about his family the way I should have. For that. I am so sorry and I can’t fix it. I wish I didn’t get involved. I wish I told him no.. I wish I was stronger and had him close that chapter of his life before getting involved. I wish it was different. I am ashamed for my decisions in this relationship and now how to learn how to heal from it..
I’ve tried to break up with my partner who has cheated on me several times and is a weed smoker who’s always going to quit I can’t trust him but love him I can’t seem to find the strength to leave as I love him yet despise him at the same time for his behaviour. What can I do to resolve this ?
I stumbled upon your wonderful article while trying to read more about how to end a toxic relationship. As it has happened to many other women out there, I thought he was the one. I was in love in such an incredible way, I even accelerated my process of divorce to start a new life with him! He was so sweet and caring at first, and then a year and a bit later, I found myself feeling diminished, with low-self steem, driving my self crazy about trying to sort out his attitudes and comments. It took me a while (and tons of tears) to realize somehow I ended up in a toxic relationship. I haven’t broken up with him yet. I am still scared and feel I will need more firm arguments to tell him this is the end, without him giving me a painful lecture about how stupid and wrong I am about leaving him. I am trying to be stronger to do it, and be again the happy and secure woman I was before. Thanks for sharing!