Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
My ex left me 37 days ago. Our relationship was horrid. The lies, cheating, drug use and emotional and physical abuse. Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions. I have come to a point (after going no contact since the breakup) where I know its not a healthy, balanced relationship and that if theres any hope of finding happiness, I must let go. When I get off track by having some nostalgic thought I instantly look at the break up and tell myself that is the real relationship and not the nostalgic memory. It is hard but you have to retrain your thoughts. I dont think my ex is a bad person but I do think she was bad for me.
This seems more like a woman’s forum. No offense. I m a married 35 yr old guy. I feel stuck, many of the comments on here are identical to what I feel. My wife has 2 kids of her own and I have custody of both of my kids. I feel like there are different standards set for me and my kids vs her and her kids. The biggest is with her youngest. She can get onto my son 3 or 4 times in a few minutes for him not doing anything immediately. But her youngest will do something and as so as I mention that doing that it isn’t right, my wife will get angered and tell me I didn’t back her up while getting into my son , so why should she have to say anything to her daughter. I hope that makes sense.
We both work. I work 50+ hrs she works 40+ I come home cook dinner clean up do laundry etc. Getting her to help is a pain in my ass. She says she shouldn’t have to due to her working all day. Wth
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I recently had to end a friendship that was becoming very toxic in my life. My friend had battled cancer this past year, and I tried my best to be there for her everyday from 3,000 miles away. I checked in with her every day either by phone, text, or email. I was a listening, nonjudgemental ear, and a cheerleader. I sent cards, letters, words of encouragement, and thoughtful care packages. I spent the majority of my time worrying about her, praying for her and thinking of ways to lift her up and make her feel loved. I deeply felt her fears, disappointment and stresses and genuinely rejoiced in her victories along the way. I visited her every time I came back East throughout the year. One time I went two days without reaching out because I had guests visiting from across the country. I received a text from her stating how crappy it felt that she hadn’t heard from me in those two days — a time when I knew she would be with her boyfriend and family. I knew then that I had sent an unhealthy precedent and realized that it was time to set some healthy boundaries. I had recently gone through my own dark time battling mental illness, and I know my triggers. I was overextending myself and it was starting to take a toll on my mental health. I kindly tried to set a boundary, but it was received poorly. After she completed her treatment and surgery, I began sensing even more tension from her and became the recipient of lots of passive aggressive text messages. I made excuses for her. She was angry. After all she had been through, she had a right to be. I thought it was misplaced anger and resentment and tried my best not to take it personally and stay strong and loving. But eventually each interaction I had with her started to feel toxic and heavy in my body. I actually felt constricted. I never knew where I stood with her and consistently felt like I was disappointing her, even though I tried my best to be there for her. I don’t claim to be perfect, but my intentions were good and loving.
I got engaged and reluctantly shared the news of my engagement. I knew she couldn’t be happy for me, but I didn’t want to keep the news from her either. A day later I received an angry email from her thanking me for the love and compassion I’d shown her over the year. However, she then proceeded to also list out all of the ways in which she felt I had wronged her. She twisted my words, drew false conclusions, and unfairly and hurtfully blamed me for much of the angst she felt along her battle with cancer. I was shaking so bad reading her words. She said she wanted to work on our friendship, because it was important to her, but at that point I already knew that this relationship was becoming extremely toxic. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I was a good friend who genuinely cared. While I appreciate her honesty and respect her need to unload, I did not deserve to be dumped on. It was a difficult decision to eliminate this person from my life, but ultimately the best decision for both of us. We all deserve to have friendships that feel healthy, despite life’s difficult circumstances. Although this has been painful, I know in my heart that I am better off giving my time to the people in my life who are grateful for my love and support. I wish my friend all the best as she continues to heal and know that she will forever be in my prayers. Nothing, however, is worth the price of my peace that I worked so hard to find after my own traumatic life experiences.
Kriss loved your post and just right now I am ending a really toxic relationship with an addict to cocaine and alcohol. I became his mother and was taking care of him all the time. I feel exhausted, drained and heartbroken because he has been so cruel to me even though I helped him in anyway. I had to put up with the fact he is dating other women, but he still calls at 3:00am looking for my comfort. Anyway, I am ready to move on and its been only 4 days since I left him, sometimes I have anxiety and want to go back to the same place, but there is a part of me telling me not to and holding me back. I feel so afraid of being alone but I know I deserve someone sane and someone who can really love me.
Amazing article. Keep them coming . Thanks for your time.
Loved it.
I have taken a break from a 30 year friendship with my best friend. We always agreed that our daughters’ friendship would not interfere with ours. I tried very hard to honor this agreement, but she could not. Over the years I began to feel like she didn’t like my daughter and she blamed my daughter for her daughter’s problems. I tried to talk to her about it. It didn’t go well. I didn’t know how to be best friends with someone who doesn’t like my kid. And she could not acknowledge that she treated my daughter poorly over the years. It’s been difficult, but I’m realizing she isn’t the kind of person who I want to hang with. I asked her to apologize to my daughter and she never did. We haven’t spoken in months. I lost my best friend, but am hopeful I will find people with the same values and beliefs as me. Thanks for listening.
Insane how bang on this is. I literally just stumbled on it and it’s like reading my journal. Excellent Kris I will be coming back, thanks!!
It does help to read other people’s stories but mine is waaay dif then what I’ve read here and at this point all I can say is I am really trying to heal I have been guilty of bad behavior and I’m the type that truly wants to learn from all the things I’ve been thru. However I’ve also continued to text him but its due to my belief in communication etc…. After reading some responses I am once again faced with the thought that he chose to be uncommunicative and that’s when the whole cycle starts over for me again. I go from letting go especially of the bad and my pendulum swings back and forth from the understanding & loving me that wants to share the things I’ve learned about my growth areas so he hopefully will see I don’t think I’m perfect and he’s the all bad dot com to coming full circle into bat shit crazy bitch….hhhhhh then I realize what someone commented about if they didn’t get it before their not going to get it now. On the real tho at times I can see how easy I make it for him to turn it all back on me….stupidity should hurt!!! Oh my bad…it does hurt….BAD!!!
My son 30 years old has been in a relationship with a girl for 17 years and its pretty much over and he now on a daily basis has these breathing attacks and pacing the floor horribly to the point that i worry about him so badly and what will come of it and what may he do he keeps saying he cant do it any more but yet wont go to the hospital or let me help in any way and if i do its not the right help what do i do and how can i help him im so worried
No one knows how miserable I really am. Married 37 years to a pastor. Always giving, sacrificing. Doing, being last, understanding that the ministry and people are always first. It’s all died inside me. I dream of escape but fear others. My life is agony and I dread each new day in this trap of a life. Isn’t this sad? I never thought I’d say any of this. I buried my only child, 4 years, on a Wednesday, and led a ministry the next day. We never grieved together. Duty was more important. Being busy helps But it doesn’t heal.
I answered yes to most of the questions on toxic relationships – and I kicked myself for not seeing it when I was in it! I decided to bite the bullet and call off an engagement to someone I was in love with – but the relationship had become so toxic.
I’ve rekindled so many friendships that were suffocated, and discovered friends who deeply care. I’ve even sparked off new friendships with both sexes, and it’s truly fulfilling not to have a suspicious burning on the back of my neck – the burning of guilt I felt when out with friends!
After the breakup – I was able to drink milk again (I was unable to tolerate it toward the end of the relationship), my stomach bloating went away, I started listening to calming music that I enjoy again, I stopped feeling so tired (which happened around my ex a lot) and I stopped drinking so much alcohol (which I used to do to numb my pain after seeing my ex)!
I’m in the recovery process but it’s so much better knowing, I’m not going to go through the toxic roundabout again and again, that this pain of healing a broken heart and re-wiring my brain to not expect heavy text messages and receiving blame I’m ignoring my ex during working hours. Liberation feels good, a broken heart does not – but this pain is better than the continual wondering when the toxicity was going to end! And I’m less stressed too!
Thank u for ur advise, today my heart is telling me to break it off with my cancer guy and he don’t want to listen to me. I m sorry is two years now and there is no progress. I m tired. He don’t want to make time for me but he said he got strong feelings for me. Now I don’t want it anymore I feel like he’s using me sex. Last time when I talk to him he said he don’t want to commit to these relationship because he still having problems with his ex wife and still demanding sex from me. I m Aries girl and I think we are not compitable.
Thank you for sharing this. I am heartbroken that deep in my bones I know that this relationship has to end. The grief and devastation are huge. I will try to remember who I really am underneath all this fear. I so wish it could have been different.
I am very sad right now. I thought a move to another state. Her home town. Would make things better for us both. But I was wrong. She is not happy here. I don’t have a clue. I have no clue what to do next. I like it here. I will not go back. I can’t walk away.this is my last try. I will make this move work whith her or whithout her. 30yrs. To find out. This is like oil-water.
This post was spot on. I just broke off my engagement and a sense of relief washed over me right after. Its weird because I am sad/healing but I don’t miss her very much. She was toxic in a sense that she never did any self examination or tried to self improve. Everything was my fault. I would have to break down in tears or walk out of the relationship for her to be willing to be compassionate or try to change. When I would attempt to set healthy/respectable boundaries she would try to “one up” me and kick me out of the house. Told me to come back home when I wanted to be a “man.” I started taking anti-depressants right after we got engaged-and I have never been prescribed any medication like that before. When I would express frustration or other things that were important to me her resolution would be “I will make that adjustment for you because your insecure.” Pick fights much?! Other times it would end in her telling me “F you” or calling me a “Stupid Ass.” She also had a child who I accepted as my own and was willing to give up my house, job and family for this person. Luckily I woke up and made a decision.
I am a 43 year old man and have been in a toxic marriage for 14 years. Everybody has told me to leave but I keep hoping that things will change. Particularly because I am a Christian I am well aware of the judgment that quitting will carry. I have been advised by my counsellor to leave, but I keep thinking that I will be letting my two minor male kids down (aged 11 and 8). They adore me, but they have been poisoned by their mother who tells them what a bad person I am. I am afraid that leaving will confirm their mother’s judgment of me to them. What should I do?
Hello
Most of what I read hit home – but “most ” is what’s getting me. I never thought of toxic as what I was dealing with and stumbled on this article tonight. I started dating a young single dad 13 months ago – I am a single mom (10 yrs older than him) both of us w the baggage of a very bad breakup. He suffers from brief periods of depression (hereditary) At the time we both made it clear we wanted no commitments. After 6-7 months – sex diminished. he would struggle to have an orgasm / stood erect/
Just couldn’t finish – and I believe the frustration of that made the desire diminish – I was patient and supportive. In the meantime – this man was doing so many of the sweetest things – he was thoughtful – he was spontaneous- we spent a lot of Time together – on the phone 24/7 – got extremely close – supported each other through everything – literally best friends – and he told me he loved me and I wasn’t going anywhere –
That commitment I thought we didn’t want – seemed to be there. This weekend I saw him out with a girl and it broke my heart – I left unnoticed- and dealt with it the next day – the next 48 hours were him swearing she’s just a friend – and why should be explain when I’m not his girlfriend ( knife one ) that led to me
Telling him I wanted more then friends –
He kept saying we agreed to no commitments (knife 2) and I said that while we were growing closer and closer my feelings grew more – he said how close were we when we weren’t together that much ( lie and knife 3) I said close enough for you to say you loved me – he said he was drunk ( lie and knife 4)
Now sex comes up – and seeing we really haven’t had it in months – I knew that this was not about friends w sex benefits.
I bring up how supportive I’ve been through his problem – -and was told he don’t want it w me he is not sexually attracted to me and shame on me if I can’t end this argument and go back to being his friend – then he ends it with I don’t love you – don’t have feelings for you – your not my type – I hate you for doing this and you suck –
So my last 3 days were toxic – I don’t know the whole relationship was – I’m hurt, embarrassed, self esteem gone. Confused, angry – -and the list goes on
I haven’t responsed to him anymore- and I don’t see any apology erasing what I went through
Thank you all for listening and sharing supportive words
Lynn
Hello Kriss,
I have a question if i may, i was married for 10 years, 3 kids and my wife at the time decided that she wanted to be alone and decided she wanted a divorce to better herself. She didn’t really to anything much but find someone else. Before the divorce was finalized she already had someone living with her and about 4 days after the divorce papers were signed and done in court she was already married to this new person. I immediately without hesitation began to date someone that made me feel not alone. Without going through the pain i was already dating this new person. It has been 3 years and now this new person has drifted apart and now we are going in 2 separate directions. We are days from breaking up and i already have another person that wants to date me. My question is, why is my heart trying to jump from host to host like a parasite? And please if you have any tips on what I should really do in this situation. My mind wants to be alone and go through the pain but my heart is trying to avoid the pain by hooking up with someone new. What should i do?
Wow! It has been over a year since I ended my marriage ov 18 years. The relationship deteriated over a few years. Kept trying to make it work and I kept saying this stress is going to make me sick. Sure enough it did. I was diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma. THANK GOD!! That was exactly what I needed. Ft
Rom that point things had to drastically change. I got my ducks in a row, lawyers, bankers friends and family. Bought out my husband kept my acreage ( healing sanctuary) moved my daughter and grandchildren in and started the healing process. Yes it worked! I went from stage 2-5 multiple organs effected to now cancer free.
During our toughest times it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Having faith and to truly believe you are safe and everything will work out, above all I love myself more than ever now