Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
Growing up in a dysfunctional can be tough. It is even tougher when you have two dysfunctional families with stepparents. I had an evil stepmom and a parade of clowns for stepdads. I always tried to think of ways to get rid of my stepmom but I never acted on any of my plans. I found that it was therapeutic to write stories that would lampoon them. I have a new story called My Psycho Family! It is free if you have a Kindle and Amazon Prime. I hope you enjoy it.
Great post, thank you Kris!
I have broken up in the past when I left a toxic marriage. My life feel completely apart and it came down to me to rebuild it- which I did! I left with nothing and against all odds I got back on my feet. Now I am in toxic work environment, which I’ve been in for 12 years and suffer from a painful neck, back and sciatica. My body literally feels rigid on the left-hand side a lot of the time. Leaving the relationship was something I ‘had’ to do for myself and my son, yet now I feel trapped and everyday I hate being there! So it would be great to hear others thoughts- is this a thing that I have manifested, another toxic situation for me to overcome?
I would like to hear peoples thoughts. I am 48 yrs old and successful. I was in a 6 yr relationship with a girl that I knew in high school. Immediately I knew she was insecure and always checking up on me. She was suspicious of me at all times. I lived about 45 mins away because of my job. She would break into my email and phone records to see who I was talking to. I am a very simple person, in that I like to golf, hike and spend time with friends just having a beer talking work and sports. We fought more than we didn’t and I would often leave her house and go back to the safe haven of my place. This went on for 2-3 years, at one time she told me to go find someone else and leave her alone. I did meet someone and when I picked her up, she told me she got a call from my ex about 10 minutes earlier. I could not escape her watch. She told me it would all end if we got engaged. I know it was foolish, but I called her bluff and gave her an engagement ring only to take it back less than a week later when the behavior did not change. Soon after this, she went through a nervous breakdown, quit her job, moved 500 miles away and then came back to the area in just 3 months. I helped her move back and was trying to be just a friend to her, but we always had an incredible physical attraction. She did not have a job and was nearing desperation, couldn’t pay her bills. She always blamed me for abandoning her by taking the engagement ring back. Out of guilt or compassion, I told her she could live with me until she got back on her feet. She did get a job and made great progress over the next 3 years. I paid all of the rent and food during this time. I took a job 4 hrs away six months ago and encouraged her to date, because she wanted more than I could give her. About a month ago, she met a guy and fell head over heels for him. Immediately, I was told that I needed to move my stuff out of the house we rented together (I paid the rent) so that she could move forward. When I reminded her of everything I did for her, the response I got was “that was your choice”. She said many times that she wanted a boyfriend that she could see several times a week. Yesterday she told me she broke it off with him because he was still messed up over his marriage. Then today, she said she told him she wanted to be friends with benefits. Why is this bothering me so much ? I know I am better off without her and have decided that I need to ignore her emails and texts. I still have to get a few things out of the house meaning I may have to see her one more time. I’m not even sure if this makes sense to anyone, but I just wanted some thoughts. thanks….
I was in (what I thought) was an amazing relationship. Right into college I met him when I didn’t really believe in love because of my own parent’s marriage. I had never dated either and decided to give a relationship a chance. To be honest it was nice, however the more we were together, the more demanding he was. I was not used to saying “No.” We got engaged 8 months later. That was it until the end of college when he wanted to move in together, get married and have kids. We had already talked about kids and I was not going to have kids until I was at least 29 (I am 22). The more time passed the more he wanted until I didn’t have strength to say no because he would get upset that I promised him a life and now I wanted to “back out.” Our last year was the worst. He physically hurt me and I forgave him. A little bit after that he (unintentionally?) has an emotional affair with someone. During that time, I had been sexually assaulted. All these things came back and whenever I would bring up his own part in my emotional and mental distress he would respond back why I couldn’t get over it. It had been “months.” And still I took him back. He started go get more aggressive and then asked me if I already wanted to get pregnant! I moved back to my hometown and got an amazing job where they treat me well and I love it. He got upset that I put myself first and that I didn’t put our relationship before my job. He called me selfish and that I had a dollar sign for which I would stay. He broke it off with me. At first I wanted him back because I missed him and I still love him. However, I learned very quickly that it wasn’t what I want for myself. I may be young, but I am strong. I have done more for me than he could ever do. I love myself and who I am becoming. I change every single day but in the end I am happy. I might cry once in a while and remember what I had, but I will not let myself be abused any longer.
Hi. Thanks for your post. I made the decision to walk away from a toxic relationship that lasted 2.5 years. Because I’m determined to move on, I’ve been reading voraciously and taking it day by day.
Thank you for writing this. You just made 1 more woman move on 1 more day.
Great post. I just ended a situation that was toxic, even though I cared for this person, he didn’t feel the same. I wrote in my journal, and I was still dating other people, but on a platonic level. I deleted his number, email, and changed my number. I should have never opened that Pandora box, always go with your first thought, it will not steer you wrong.
Thank you Chris for your inspiring blog. I’m going through a break-up right now after 17 years of marriage and most of what you are saying is right on target. It is very hard to follow through, though. Letting go is never easy.
I ended a long term friendship 2 years ago. I can recognize the situation from the questions Kris asked. I debated with myself for a few years before I finally ended the friendship. I was very sad and stressed to try to speak the truth with my friend because I knew what her reaction would be. I spoke honestly with her and she has not spoken to me since and even ignores me if she sees me in public. If a friendship cannot take the truth, you don’t have much of a relationship.
I have come to learn – after many girlfriends and long relationships behind me – that, as Eckhart Tolle would agree, sometimes the people, that pisses you of the most, are spiritual teachers in disguise. They are put there to push your buttons, so you can grow – they are soulmates. But at the same time, as Elizabeth Gilbert would say, some people it is best to love them from a distance – and as she also says, you might not want to marry a soulmate 🙂 (Of course it is possible to marry one – if both of you grow, and each one takes responsibility for their own feelings) No need to tell you that it is VERY HARD WORK 🙂 I think relationships are what challenge an push us to our maximum, regarding personal development. So hang in their – do your best – the rest is not up to you, its a job for the universe … 🙂
The timing of this is uncanny! Thank you so much. I have to let go of a toxic relationship, but I’m frozen. Your words are so deep and meaningful.
Awe….
Oh, Kris ~
So timely.
My mother is unequivocally the most toxic person ever in my life. When my children were babies, I accepted the reality that I could no longer tolerate her toxicity in our lives. I owed it to my children to parent differently. I owed it to myself to believe in me when no one else would. I maintained that separation for nearly 25 years.
Until she reached out to me on my birthday a month after my father had died. A dialog began, and age seemed to have softened the extraordinarily rough edges. Over time, a relationship was built, and she ultimately sold her home and moved across the country to live close to us in her twilight years.
The DAY she moved here, she began to change. The first year was a confusing blend of “isn’t this wonderful” and “oh my, this is increasingly familiar.” EVERY single question you’ve suggested we ask ourselves defines the awful relationship I am experiencing with her now/again. She has alienated my new husband and crushed our young daughter’s spirit time and again. I am honoring their requests for essentially extremely limited/no contact.
I have often attracted toxic people into my life. Small wonder why. Years of counseling and soul searching have led me to say goodbye to all of them, despite my concern that in all those losses and goodbyes, I was the common denominator. Still, each goodbye increased my confidence and growth.
Return to mother . . . We are moving into her third year here. She is non-ambulatory due to multiple debilitating health issues, and it appears her lung cancer has returned. She is opting to not fight it.
I’ve had to soul search. Deeply. Honestly. Repetitively. And I have had to decide what “I” could live with after she is gone. I generate my contact with her now based on my honest assessment of what will inspire the least amount of regret when she is gone. And I understand how much I will need to detoxify and heal after she is gone as a result of the situation.
So, I know it’s time to say goodbye to this relationship, but I have accepted the caveat of needing time for that ending to play out naturally with her eventual passing.
I cannot begin to tell you how this post resonated with my heart. I needed so desperately to read it and all the comments. It was a breath of air. It was permission and acceptance. It was a moment to right my shoulders and reinvigorate to carry on.
Thank you to you and the Universe for delivering when needed!
Michelle
I’m about to break up with a business partner and friend. She has instability issues that have only gotten worse, that I canno address without losing a day and a half to help putting her back together. Or just move on with work without her, which, quite honestly, has never been fair to me. The other night, I screwed up. I needed to talk about our partnership and what the next phase of it was going to be and I felt like I was being given the run around – AGAIN. And I lost it. I broke all of my own rules of communication, I just had had ENOUGH. I stayed away for days, waiting for the calm to return to my mind when I thought of how I was going to talk with her and resolve things and apologize and move forward, and that calm never came. And she egged it on with her surly messages about how everything is my fault. It’s not my fault. We share responsibility for even how the blow up went down. If just once in the last 3 years of working together I had been able to be honest about my feelings of frustration over managing her while trying to also manage our clients, if just once I had seen behavior change afte the apology… but that never happened. Now, I am trying to figure out how to walk away without finding a knife in my back.
So there are alot of people dealing with breaking up/divorce without children involved….and somebody brought up the “what about us with children” First of all, I have always believed and had the same set of standards that Kris has just written about….the checklist and zero tolerance…been mindful if who gets the honour of being in my circle type if thing.
But I’m an now faced with a new experience that causes me to not be able to follow through with those standards with current husband. I wondered if anyone else in in this situation…..I agree that it can often be worse for the kids by staying two unhappy parents…..but my situation is that things would be worse if we divorced…..there is no way I could divorce and be happy not knowing what is happening to my child….if we divorced the evil would come out and he would collaborate with his evil parents….while we are together I am always with my child and here to protect….not physical abuse…..but it would be a mess a buffet problem and the child would not be in a better situation……so there are circumstances that cause a parent to have to stay….safety of the children in different ways. Yes it is sad to also have to sacrifice the greatness/happy that I deserve…..I remember it and long for it….but I would never sacrifice my child for it…..with that said I wish I could find the support and helpfull ideas in making the best of a not so good situation…..because us mothers are out there….we get shamed and given up on….and others even treat or accuse you if not caring about your child…..clearly and thankfully they’ve not been in these shoes…..and I personally an one that nobody would ever imagine being in this situation……
My body is in chronic pain especially neck…..and I am very in tune to my body….it’s absolutely from the stress….
I do everything I can to make the best of a situation….or do happy things….get movement in every day…..etc….I’m definitely wilted and somewhat live through and dream about those other couples I see that look happy or blog about it etc… when I’m at my worse the music goes on and us kids dance in the kitchen! 🙂
In meantime I keep being just a Lil hopeful that my husband will finally hit so hard on the bottom that he finally see what’s in front of him and decides to take control of his life…..mend the breaks in our marriage start apologizing owning it etc and work on his behavioural issues etc….so we can start truly living in joy and save this family.
This could not have come at a better time! I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years with a man who never had my best interest even as second string. His were first and I just needed to fix mine to put his first. I did exactly this. I’m lost now because for the first time I have to think about myself and it’s hard. I have to take responsibility and there is no one to blame for good or bad things. It’s only myself and my dog beans. I’m 32 and thought we’d be married with children and now I’m left trying to build it all anew. That’s scary. I cry a lot and work is so hard (I’m an OT in special Ed) as I’m expected to care for so many children and I have little care for myself. Thank you for you’re beautiful reminder that I am resilient!
You are a caring person and think more about other people more than yourself.Making other people happy makes you happy,dont ever put your self down because off this an one day someone will come along and love you for this and give you the same love back.
I am engaged, annd am getting married NEXT month!! Woah!! I love my boo so much – he makes me so happy – always making me laugh, supporting me in whatever I work towards, is so affectionate and loving, I could go on and on. I guess this article resonates with me because i find myself wishing that I could change little (little-ish?) things about him that I feel are causing me to not be my most physically healthy self. But I can’t tell if I just need to be stronger and focus on myself – changing and improving from intrinsic motivation, OR if being away from my boo is what should be the solution. Agh!?!?!? Also, I feel negativity from certain family members and friends about him and the upcoming marriage, but I can’t tell if it is in my mind, OR If it isn’t in my mind but I should say, “who cares what other people think if I’m happy?” OR if it isn’t in my mind and I should do something about it.
How do I differentiate between what my honest heart is trying to tell me and what my overactive, worry wart emotional brain is telling me? Ack!
I can’t believe how timely this is! I’m in the middle of a breakup of a 5+ year relationship. Kris, your advice is just what I needed. Although the pain is heart wrenching, I will not comfort myself with food!
Exactly the message I needed today. Man, why do we forget…… Thank you for the reminder. I really enjoy your writing and message:-)
Oh yes, this is something that resonates with me. And I have left several times (3 if you want to count). The first time was the hardest. And I stayed for many years past the ‘used by date’. Having done it once, when I recognized the signs the next time and the next time I just got out. Sometimes not quite that quickly and the last time I had a toddler which changes things significantly. Having walked away from a marriage of 7 years never to see my ex again makes moving on so much easier. Walking away with a child and having to deal with your ex every week is a different story. But each time I felt free as soon as I left. My mood picked up. I got happy again. The first time my grandmother thought I was on drugs my mood improved so dramatically after the first week of tears, self recrimination, and feeling of failure – I was, and still am the only member of my family who has divorced, who has left another relationship, who is a single parent. But you know what – it doesn’t matter. I am me. I am happy. My little boy is happy (& involved with his Dad). I have stepped out of my comfort zone several times and it does wonders for your soul so don’t fear it – there is sunshine over the hill.
This year my job has bought feelings of being in a bad relationship (probably worse truth be told as I love my job). I imagine it is a combo of crazy hormones & overload, overwhelm. I don’t want to walk away from this relationship but it does need changing and I have stopped tending to myself so I have made plans to adjust my role and signed up for Crazy Sexy You – my treat to myself to get my mojo back. Can’t wait to get going!
Kris, you are on top of your game! Thanks for posting!
I wish I could read this post when I wasas in my forest fire!
Anyhow, everything is just the way it is for a reason:) and here is the scoop:
It is solely our responsibility to take our life and happiness and uniqueness in our own hands and act. Act upon our authenticity.
Usually strong and endurant people think that suffering and being in a challenging situation is fine and normal state of life. Yes and no… We are all here to learn to go with the flow! The loving flow of acceptance and being true to our authentic, to honor and accept our inner self and unique beauty. And the best news is that our body signals us all the time.
That was the case with me. When it became unbearable, then I had no other direction but to turn around and exit!
I took the self care path and since then all is fine! I learnt to preserve energy and honor my mind and body!
Life is to be fun and easy. Sorry to break the news: the only control we have is our behavior and thoughts!
So be nice and kind! Be greatful for what you are and hop in the driving seat of Your life! You are the best you could! Accept and merge in the lane you are comfortable and truly you! The universe is supporting us every second on our way. Life is a journey!
What I have learnt in 40 years is that carrying a backpack of options is useless. Instead of carrying them as a load I transformed them into a boat I use to sail! Sometimes the wind is less sometimes more… However I move with the flow and act upon what life brings. And guess what: it brings everything I create!
Let’s be conscious and aware of our inner self!
Be free. Be You tiful