Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
I was sitting here, feeling a bit down (OK, more than a bit down) after ending a 6-year relationship 5 weeks ago when your email popped into my inbox. Thank you Kris – just what I needed! Even though I know that 1) I should never have got into the relationship and 2) that it had to end because it wasn’t making me happy, it’s still really, really hard. Deep down I know that my feeling of still needing him is just because I’m lonely. But I also know that I’ll get through this. I start on the Wellness Program tomorrow so that will really give me the boost I need. Thanks, Kris x
I cannot agree more. Recently, I’ve had to say sad goodbyes to several people (and their environments). These are people all with good intentions, but their negative vibes, constant but subtle put downs, armchair criticisms, expressions of ingratitude, unwillingness to learn and stay open minded, gossiping, complaining, inaction, etc.. etc… drained me. It took a while to see these traits and it was always disappointing to find out these were not one-offs, not mistakes, but part of ingrained character. Many of them were outwardly successful – some senior managers in the public sector, some business owners – but they sadly did not seem to be able to see beyond themselves, so self-absorbed that at times their actions harmed others. These were also people who were on autopilot, did not question their lives’ purpose, did not read and learn about others and the world around them, had very little self-awareness and their only goals in life were to get to the next level in the corporate ladder and where to take the next annual vacation. I found that my own negative feelings rose exponentially whenever I was around them. I became irritable, frustrated, and at times even angry, and certainly not the person I want to be. I watched these colleagues of mine and decided I cannot become them. Never in a million years.
They say you are the average of the five closest people who surround you. Life is too short to surround myself with people who – intentionally or unintentionally – bring me down. It’s not easy to say goodbye but it’s even harder to be consumed in negativity. The people I am surrounding myself with these days are positive, calming, nurturing, thoughtful, intelligent, kind-hearted people who embrace their passions. These are people who know what happiness is to them, and who strive to make their lives and those of others better just by being there, by doing what they do.
So I’ve said sad goodbyes to those people who in the end will chose their own paths, whatever and whenever that might be. That is their personal life journey to discover. And I now say a bright hello to the good, the kind and the lovely people of whom there are plenty of in this world and whom I am discovering every day!
I said goodbye to a group of friends several years ago, but I did it in a bad way, a really bad way – a nasty group email. I’ve had nothing, but guilt for probably 7 years now over this. What hurt the most, is that my friend of 20 plus years did not reach out to me who was very involved with this group. She was my person, my best friend. What I did was very uncharacteristic of my personality as I am usually thought of as the “nice” or “sweet” person. I have talked to other people and all of them have said the same thing about this group. Although, I know my reasonings were solid and I don’t miss the way that I felt around this group of people, I am lonely. I’m more of an introvert and I don’t make friends easily. I’m struggling a bit, especially lately. Unfortunately, I still have this heavy heart when I think about what happened and I’m having a hard time moving forward and making new friends. Any words of wisdom or compassion would be appreciated.
I’m honestly not sure how I feel about my “toxic” relationship. There are some things that I know should be a lot better than they are and really aren’t right. Then there are other things that I love so much about him that I can’t imagine being with anyone else. We have taken breaks, been single, dated other people etc. but we always end up wanting to get back together. To further complicate things, we both struggle with mental illness periodically. I guess I try to tell myself that at some point it really will or really won’t make sense and it will naturally evolve into whatever change needs to happen but it’s been 9 years, so perhaps that expectation is off. I don’t know. I don’t know how to actually make decisions like this. Sometimes I feel like I am in an impossible situation.
Thank you. This came at a good time. My husband is an alcoholic and we’re trying to sell our house so I Can get on with my life. It’s scary for me. I’ve never really lived alone. But I will have my 3 dogs.
Wow. When I saw this post in my inbox my jaw dropped because it was like a universe truthbomb delivered right to me. Since my breakup 2 months ago, my life fell apart. Throughout the year, many toxic friendships have fallen apart, too, leaving me mostly on my own in all senses of the word. In addition to that I moved home after graduating college with a *mostly* useless degree which means more grad school and looking for an entry-level job for now. 2 months later and I am just now mustering up the strength to get on with my life without him, without my friends I thought would be there forever. On my own. Picking up the pieces.. enrolling in a yoga teacher training program and applying to jobs..working out like crazy, feeding myself healthy meals, and meditating/reading/journaling/affirming like it’s my job. My heart goes out to everyone on here struggling with the same <3
Love this. It’s so difficult to make a change in a relationship no matter what type of relationship it is. Sometimes it still hurts years after the breakup but it’s necessary in the long run. We need to take care of ourselves and remember how important we are. Thanks for this Kris.
Thank you so much, first I answered yes to all your questions to ponder. Separated from an 9 year marriage. My husband had an affair and I was left to raise a 3 year old on my own. Last year was the hardest time in my life, and I am still healing and learning from this experience. Coming from a verbally abusive relationship from a man with some kind of personality disorder, I’m trying to first find a way to forgive but I know it will take time. Right now I’m working on loving myself again, and getting closer to my authentic spiritual self. Writing your feelings does help, but I would add to never read what you wrote days later because it brings all those feelings up all over again.
The timing of this couldn’t be better. Unfortunately, I am struggling with a toxic relationship my whole life… The one I have with my mother. She is a bitter, angry alcoholic and nothing I ever do or think is right. She has needed help coping with her depression, anxiety, and bitterness for as long as I can remember and refuses to even acknowledge she has any of those things. She has been a mean alcoholic for at least 10 years now, despite health issues and again refuses to discuss or acknowledge that she has a problem. She had repeatedly stated that she likes drinking and will never stop. I am now pregnant with my first baby (her first grandchild) and she has stopped talking to me for over 3 weeks because I got mad at her for smoking around me and left her house. She was sending me vicious text messages, which I didn’t respond to and when that finally stopped she started posting vague disgruntled things on Facebook. I even saw her once at the local park since then and she didn’t say two words to me. This is just one instance in which my mom has tried to sabotage my happy life moments. It is so clear to me that I need to cut ties with her, but it is so difficult for me because she is my mother. I always wanted the loving, caring, best friend kind of mother and she has never been that for me. I wish I had the answers and was not tortured by this.
Thank you for such a profound and thought-provoking post, Kris. I’ve been reading the comments and most of them are in regards to ending toxic marriages or long-term relationships. I’m struggling with ending a few friendships that no longer serve me. In the past year I have been on the traumatizing roller coaster ride of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment at 36/37 years old. I have changed quite a bit, physically and emotionally, and often times feel completely disconnected from friends and family. I have seen true colors and behaviors of so many people and now I am more than ready to let go of these toxic relationships. While being in cancer land I’ve realized that most of my friendships were heavily unbalanced, with me being the “therapist” and lifting everyone up, but draining myself in the process. It’s interesting to me how my boyfriend and I have been able to get through this horrific year despite my pushing him away to protect him from the ugliness and sadness of cancer. We’ve been through so much in so little time and we’re still going strong. Friends and certain relatives, on the other hand, are the ones who have left me feeling frustrated, angry, and abandoned. I’ve learned that I didn’t come this far in my cancer journey to let these limited, toxic people take my energy and joy. I decide who sits at my table moving forward and that is so empowering!
I just reached my last straw. After almost 3 years of being forced to accept his loyalties to his ex in the name if they had businesses together and being curved whenever they had “dealings” basically feeling like an outsider to the ex I just couldn’t take anymore. I cried so hard. It had happened again. I was disappointed. I had held onto his last promise that it wouldn’t happen again. He had manipulated me to get his way. I realized it. Everyone around me had warned me not to take him back as HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN. I went against everyone. Lied to friends that everything was great. They were all right. I looked in the mirror at my painfully puffy red eyes after I got home. He had no empathy, infact he pretty much said I was ridiculous. I was hurting. Had bad anxiety attacks for 3 days. Called off work. couldn’t sleep, heartbeat so fast, drank like a fish. Eyes bloodshot till I asked myself is this love? what love does this? the answer– none. It was time to go. to just move on and never look back. I simply let him know I was leaving the situation, asked him to respect my space and wished him well. I wasn’t made for that type of relationship. looking at my own face is what scared me. I had visible pain. Caused by what I lied to myself that was love. It wasn’t. its not easy walking off, for the exact reasons mentioned above. I just believe God has a better plan. I got tired of being hurt and disrespected.
Last fall, I ended my marriage of 20 years because my body was finally screaming at me to get out of what was for a long time a very toxic relationship. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is still hard. But I have never looked back. As a health coach and someone who strives to be healthy in every way possible, this relationship was the one really unhealthy thing that was keeping me down and making me miserable. I consider ending this relationship as the best thing I could ever do for myself. I feel like the real me again!
I finally lft my boyfriend of 3 years 3 days ago we had split up before and unfortunately flowers lft on the doorstep i love yous i need u i cant live without you was enough for me to take him back within a week it was back to the same crap verbal explosions. Being ignored for two days. Blah blah blah! Well thank god this time i realised he will never change and l was sick and tired of feeling physically and mentally ill constantly anxious tearful and every other emotion u have being with a toxic partner
I no im going to be ok and its going to be a bumpy path ive chsnged my phone number but he has put a note through my door to ring him even offered to pay off one of my debts well im very sorry mr tocic no more this time! Ive got alot of healing to do but already i feel stronger and know i can do this.
Friendships goodbyes
From her point of view, I was her BEST friend, family even…like her sister. From my side of things, I was her not her best friend but her only friend. Our friendship grew over 6 years and one day I fully woke up and thought to myself…ENOUGH! It wasn’t where I wanted to be and I felt so drained from every interaction. It was a process that lasted months. She still refuses to ‘let go’. I feel free and I understand now that in the beginning I felt sorry for her, that I didn’t speak my truth many times in order to ‘not stress her out’ anymore than she already was. I felt sorry that all her friends were dropping out of her life. Now I understand why. I am not the woman I was when we first met and when you grow, some people don’t like it. It was keeping me where I was and I was suffocating and I decided to take MY SIDE for once. Wow! Do what YOU need to do…for YOU! You owe it to yourself and you matter THAT much. No need to explain no matter how many times you are told that what you are doing is ‘unacceptable’. Thank you for this post Kris! xo
I am currently dealing with the ending of my 28 year marriage. I’ve always said when it’s been good it’s been really good but when it’s bad it’s been really bad. My husband has tried his best been good provider but there’s never been any fun in our marriage and my views, ideas never count. I’m at a point in my life (50 this year) where I’m starting to gain a voice and he’s not liking it, he is resentful of my life, friends, family. Any of my interests. I was a stay at home mother an wife for twelve years then decided to go back to school, my world expanded after that. I look back now and realize how many things I have given up because it wasn’t what he wanted. I’ve been verbally abused when he get angry and I think over the years it’s started to chip away at me, I started putting up walls a few years ago, nothing I do is good enough, he criticizes or corrects everything, so slowly walls went up, I stopped telling him about work, friends, family, because it would all come back on me. To trying and talk is useless it always gets turned around to him being the victim so I’ve stopped trying to talk, when councilling was suggested he said….. Well let’s site down first and discuss what we will say. He left me for a week in November, came back, had been sleeping in a separate roommate since January, left me again in May. My mistake now was to allow him to stay at the house while I was out of town this summer, now, he has the house, and feels he’s doing me a favour by letting me stay there. He also started having his paycheck deposited into a separate private account but “forgot” to tell me so again he had control in that I need to now ask him for money. I hate fighting, controversy and hurting people, my friends are telling me I need to seek legal advice and I know I need to find a place because living with him has become toxic, all those and my daughter getting married next year so I’m trying to keep peace but I’m slowly learning I need to fill start thinking of me and take the next steps, it’s just so very scary for me
I love this article, I remember when I first read it and was shocked to see how much of this resonated with me. It took me a long time to build up the courage to leave, but it is the best decision I have ever made and has opened me up to such happiness!
For me – it’s a job thing, an age thing, a social anxiety thing – in general – an all-encompassing fear thing. I stayed at the fair, so to speak, far too long, and while knowing that, I don’t begin to know how to leave. I no longer have my own money. I absolutely constantly picture an alternative reality. Actually, I can answer in the affirmative for almost everything on that list.
It took me a long time and a few attempts, but I finally got the courage to leave a 25year toxic abusive marriage. I went through a lot of backlash from him, but despite that I am glad I left And my freedom and happiness is worth more than the pain of staying for the kids and fear of being on my own. Then I got Breast cancer, but survived that, Actually I believe the long term stress of that marriage was a big contributing factor in getting cancer. Then my dad died of bowel cancer, and I thought, now that’s behind me I’m ready to go out and find someone to make me happy, but WHAM, I was hooked in by a narcisssist (a big one,) it was incredibly hard to leave him, but I finally listened to my inner voice that was screaming at me, and left. That was my big wake up call, I searched google n found Melanie Tonia Evans, did her NARP course and it really helped. I am now a thriver, not just a survivor, I am looking inwards at what attracted me to abusive relationships, healing my inner wounds and learning to love myself. Looking back on my experience, my advice if you are stuck in a toxic relationship is, don’t stuff down your feelings for others, sacrifice yourself for your kids or what others think. Your health and happiness is more important, and it will be worth going through some upheaval, because the freedom on the other side is so worth it. Don’t stay just because you are afraid of being alone or starting over, that is better than the pain of staying. Listen to yourself, no matter how bad something is, I always ask, what is the positive side of this, and what can I learn from this? I found many positives and learnt many things from having cancer! Be kind and love yourself, I hope this helps someone. Kris I think you are amazingly awesome and such an inspiration. I just love how you always start off your emails with Kind and loving words,and even though they are addressed to many people, It still feels so personal, I guess that is just your loving energy shining through
My best friend of 10 years has changed since having leg surgery. It’s been a year since surgery and he still very rarely commits to getting together, and texting .. He makes me feel guilty if I don’t reply to his texts in a timely manner or comment . But he never replies to texts anymore.. That’s why I don’t reply.:( I want to talk to him in person because he’s really hurt me but I can’t get his attention to do that. I’ve already been to the ER once because of all of this… What should I do??
hello survivor! i’m della and just about today i decide to end up my 3 years marriage with someone that i love unconditionally but he is toxic man/true taker nd taking me for granted..for 2 years i hold on cos i was pregnant his baby,and all i wanna do is complete fam for my son..but suddenly,i feel the nature guide me after i know he is taking me for granted,it was so loud and clear nd i try to listen and trus my gut..i take the courage to follow my instinct,and after i release by saying “i don’t love u anymore” i feel whole of my body is weak cos sum energy is release..my back,my neck and the most important in my heart i feel like a big river can’t stop for 1 hour!whoogh i did it! i don’t feel stress,i don’t feel nothing but inner peace,my suggestion the key is follow your biggest scare,example: u scare alone u go travelling alone..u scare to talk to him ,u go talk to him have the courage!it wasn’t that bad? i did losing someone but it reward by finding my self back..it seems worth it!thanks