Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
Great advice. I’m happily separated from my personality disordered husband for about a year. It took me a long time to get to where I am and I’m still healing from this toxic relationship. One thing I will say is, no contact (social media too) is the best way I’ve found to detach yourself and love yourself again.
Glad to hear that it all worked out in the end for you! Keep your chin up, remember it’s your life! You are loved!
great website and blog to learn from, now I know I am not alone!
My toxic story is one that ended several times. He always had such a hold on my heart that I couldn’t let go. Twisted words from his lips gave way to my giving heart and soul every time. This time….something hit me that changed me. When you push someone so far that the love goes out, that’s insane. But, it’s what finally happened. I have never loved anyone like that before. I left over a month ago. My weight has sank to 80 lbs due to how manipulated I was. I am having to learn how to love myself again instead of giving all of me away to prove that what I say is real. 7 years of toxic manipulation and lies. I know it will take time. Hurt is unreal and telling myself to not try to make sense of it…just move on! I think the manipulation made it almost like a security. Sick as that sounds. My family really doesn’t understand due to the fact that they have never been thru anything like this. I am not giving up on me!! Keeping it going till I am better and more confident in myself. Due to the pain (broken heart and soul) I am learning not to blame myself. I use to laugh at others who stayed with relationships like what I was in. Until I found out what it was like to be blinded by love. Too bad he only brought me into his world because he knew how giving, loving, understanding, and forgiving I am. I am now doing all that for myself!
Hang in there and keep your chin up. It’s your life just remember that! You are loved!
try another technic my dear! keep focus on yourself and stop focus on him..read blog about taker man,abusive relationship,just keep diggin about toxic relationship and try to acceptance the fact that you can’t fix him,he only feel u are weak everytime u take him back!open ur eyes he don’t love u the way u love him..believe me after u accept the reality about him which hurts u the most..ur brain will find it way to respond the toxic out from ur body..because energy can’t lie! and our body can’t accept that kind of toxic..but LOVE is blind sometimes that the biggest denial from the truth 🙂
oh once again stop blamming your self the matter is not u but them..i have unconditional love..but there ate exist taker man who always abusing and taking his love for granted..so no need to asking why or blame it ur self my dear,i’m sure u can do it..good luck❤️
I’m reading Crazy Sexy Diet right now, went through a breakup with the same person for the 50th time in two years, did a Google search, read this article and didn’t realize until I got to the bottom that it was you. I freaking love you Kris Carr! You so totally rock!
So good and helpful. I loved it! I am going to quote you on FB and send them here to read. Needed this…thanks for writing.
Reading this post took me back a long way — into an 18 year marriage that was filled with abuse and self-neglect. I married my high school boyfriend after finishing with my bachelor’s degree and the first few years were great. Then I became pregnant and the relationship was not all about my husband anymore. It was a slow and painful progression into “never-enough” land. And then one day, he left me. And it was the best thing that could have every happened. I didn’t have the courage to leave, but I did have the courage to say never again. Especially when two months later he wanted back into our relationship. I had spent that time alone getting re-acquainted with myself. I rediscovered who I wanted to be, what I wanted out of life, and those things that I was not willing to give of myself to save a relationship. I also discovered that I was, in fact, ENOUGH. Fast forward 8 years, and I have a new lease on life, a new partner, new vulnerability, and love — not just for a wonderful man, but also for myself.
I´ve broken out and truly forgiven him but mostly myself for letting myself be violated on different levels. I even managed to thank him inwardly for the teachings we both gave eachother. During this time of my life, I had some serious spiritual practise-help for the proces I was going thru. It only came about when I was ready -no pressure. It was a miracle and brought me to a new level. I realeased “him” with love and respect so he also was free to move on. There can still be love, it´s just the “hooks”/ the addiction we release, was my experience. All these years later I´ve met him again and got pregnant and had two kids: A whole nother story. Now I have to forgive him for something as heartbreaking as witholding my children from me. Can´t get my head around it. The concept of forgiveness provokes me in this context so I feel far away from forgiving. I´m not in the same spiritual reality as I was back then (Then the ordeal probably would have never happened.) I have awarenes that there is such a place however. I love this peace you´ve written Kris, because it speaks to the state I´m in now so I can still work on it..
This is literally foolish. Our feelings and fears shouldn’t be the deciding factor in our choices. That’s like asking your friend that you talk about mainly hard times with what to do? Why do woman share their frustrations so much more freely than their joy? Victim card, a safety net, personality disorder or simply because our modern age makes us all bored quickly, TV paints images of what a relationship should be. My girlfriend would watch reality TV, relationship drama TV and then think her moods wouldn’t be affected..
I dated this lady for 16 months and have not trusted her for over a year. After 4 months, I accidently stayed at her place (she got mad) during a weeknight. She got a booty call at 2:30 am. She said she had to stop that. Then I found condoms in her purse 5 months later. There are several nights during the week when she won’t answer her phone. I was being manipulated and was only able to see her when she allowed me to. But I normally stayed there on a Friday or Saturday and sometimes both. I got drunk and finally told her off 3 weeks ago and I’m not turning back. She hasn’t called me and I’m moving on. I’ve never been with a deceptive woman but at the age of 55, I can’t allow myself to stay in this toxic situation. I was always looking for her to call or text. I was in love with her but it was unrequited love. She was using me and it took 16 months to finally stop the pain. I have many more weeks of healing. I lost my identity and self worth. I quit playing golf and fishing. Shame on me for trusting someone I already had suspected of being deceptive. I never caught her cheating but the signs are there. I’m glad I got drunk and told her off. I will find peace with myself and someone who will appreciate me. Thank you for your article.
hey, i found this article through google. i’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. long story short, it’s gotten to the point where people in my world are concerned that he’s manipulative and has ill intentions. it’s hard to accept it when i hear it, because i still love him, and i’m more or less financially dependent on him for survival right now. i’m feel trapped and i’d like to get out. my parents are also pretty broke right now, and most definitely can’t afford me moving back in. i guess i’m asking for advice on how to cope with the situation, since it can’t be changed any time soon.
Maybe start meditating every day ,set the clock for 15 min ,thenafter a week 30 min.start every other day, then everyday.Just watch your breath or check out Vipassana. If you can manage. Is there a free counseling option in your area? Just so you can put your concerns into words. Someone that is not your family, so you wont get confused who is manipulating who or judge your love for him. Finding your own truth. If you already know he isn´t the best for you but you do have feelings for him, either try to work out your issues together , counseling. Or work on seperating the things you are dependent on him for (fx money) and your feelings for him. He also doesn´t deserve being with someone who is there for mostly financial reasons. And you can´t expect to get more in return than you yourself are willing to invest. Be honest.
I disconnected with my mother, step father, 4 (1/2) brothers and 3 of their wives, 10 years ago. No regrets. Very close to one of my sisters in law who has treated me better than my blood family. I think one of the big taboos still existing in our society is disconnecting from family. Still feels like a big no no to a lot of people. Thank you for this article. It’s rare to see one that includes letting go of toxic family as well as other relationships.
Hi, I’ve been in my relationship with my fiance 7 half years now! When we first met I knew he was the one I had been looking for, before we met I wrote a list of what I wanted in my soul mate and he showed up, however it wasn’t a fairy tale for us we fell pregnant 5 months later and lost our 1st son in Labour in 2009 it was devastating, blame guilt shame everything manifested in our relationship and we tried to work through it with personal development, energy tools and counselling! It took me a long time to heal from my grief not fully but enough to start to become more conscious however no matter how hard I try to be his saviour I find myself drifting apart, it’s a shame because we never really got to know each other, the grief of our 1St son took priority! He has been trying so hard to make it work his values are with good intention he supports my life purpose and doesn’t want to leave me, I feel our relationship is toxic, it’s draining, we argue all the time and fight infront of the children, first we blamed it on grief, perimenapause, food sensitives etc. It’s taken me soul searching, Reiki, Eft, clean eating to heal my moods and anger but no matter how hard I try I just start hating the person I have become. Maybe it’s me I’m a highly sensitive and it’s just the way it is for me, I always come out looking crazy and he is so emotionally balanced! This is not the life I imagined we would have, it’s like he is willing to do the practical stuff but any emotional and he shuts down.
You just listed the point in the end “I always come out looking crazy and with any emotional stuff he shuts down”. Work on that. Find someone you both can work with in counselling together. Don´t take on all resonsibility for the negatives in the relationship even if you are sensitive. (That´s a thought I got when I was with an abuser of alcohol; that I was somehow the problem.) No no no, never the truth.
It’s so interesting how I hear what I need to when I’m ready! I almost skipped over this email because I was in a rush and I’m so very grateful I didn’t. It’s seriously refreshing to have someone just say what u mean…thank you.
My kids father and I broke up two days ago…the break up itself doesn’t bother me but the words we verbally said is what’s haunting me. We went tit for tat trying to say things to hurt one another till finally we both said stuff that I know we can never take back. I love him and I feel tettible bout things I said I eben reached out and apologized. I know me and him are toxic for one another we have a love hate relationship and I know seeing him with any other woman other than me will hurt me like hell but I really want to Let go and move on…we have been down this road before but this to me I’m tired and just want it to all go away. He always move on faster than I do, he find girlfriends meanwhile I sit back cry, be hurt, and never seem to be able to just put myself on display for men. I read this passage and I think this will help me. No matter how hard the journey may get or how much I love him I am ready to ONCE AND FOR ALL LET HIM GO FOR GOOD.
Your comments were most inspiring to me. Quickly my spirit felt high on the ride! I love your transparency; it feels fresh, light, truthful and authentic. I resonated with the vibrancy of your spirit. You are a light! Keep on shinning; it suits you! It also feels warm & loving without pretense. Thank you & Namaste
Good day. I have spent 3.5 years with my current gf. Idk how it has been this long. We seem to feed off each other . We have fight where it’s so stupid , over dumb stuff. And it gets horrible. She tells me I’m a bad role model for my kids (previous marriage ) and I’m nothing, wOrth less and knw one will every want me and my “baggage”. And then we both name call and have a red hot temper. She knows it yet provokes me to the point where I can’t hold in my angry any further. Then flips on me making sure I know how big of a p.o.s I am. And that it was all my fault. It’s to the point a simply ” no I’m not ok with something and doing that I won’t mention” to a ” I do all this stuff or u, I just want to have some fun with my friends. I wish u were more chill. “. Deep down I know it’s not all my fault, I’m not perfect, I have flaws. We all do. But to completely melt down over something with a simple ” I respect ut opinion. And I understand how u feel” turns in to a ” f#$@ you. I have a dad I don’t need anot her one.I’m going to do what I want . I’m a free spirit. Don’t forget ur shits in this house”. ( I work out of town for a reason) I just can’t seem to get away. I say ” leave me alone. I’m done. It’s over ” and then some how get roped back in for another week or two. She dosnt leave me alone. Like saying” I will drive into oncoming traffic if u don’t answer your god damn phone”. Wtf am i suppose to do ! Is she serious? Is this just to see how much I still care? Just to bring me back in to rip Mr apart again? Idk! I pretty much abandoned my friends, so I got no one and my family’s not much help. Idk what to do. But something has to give. I have a huge heart and care for almost everyone. Maybe thats my down fall, my problem. I have no idea. But there will be a time where I will explode. And it won’t be good. This happens to bother sexs. Most men who are in my situation keep it locked up deep down inode, bottled up. Ca use its “the man thin to do” screw that! Im trying to set up therapist appointment to see if it will help. I literally don’t know how to get out of this . I’m trapped. Cause we some one say I know people who will pay u a visit. U take that seriously! Just trapped
Dear Wally
I feel for you. As one human being reaching out to another. I would like to try to help , as I can see that you’re hurting and confused. I think you may be in a relationship with a narcissist who will control you bring you down… maybe they have emotional issues of their own that are impacting and sucking the life out of you…. Please read these articles : http://www.worldcrunch.com/culture-society/power-and-seduction-how-the-narcissistic-pervert-always-gets-his-way/c3s5545/
http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/Emotional-Vampire-survival.htm
or maybe google NPD and abanonment… It’s a real eye opener… I feel its the confusion you’re feeling that is the problem?
I’m speaking from experience … Your…… “I have a huge heart and care for almost everyone. Maybe that’s my down fall, my problem. I have no idea. ” – I’ve said the exact same thing… but I was too patient by far and I waited much too long and my health suffered as a result. Not everyone is as open and honest as we are!
Listen to your gut instinct… about this relationship… Take action accordingly and don’t look back!
You’re a really good person, I can tell, and you deserve so much better….
I really hope this helps with feeling trapped, making sense of it all, and helps you to find peace deep down in your soul, b
Good Luck!
Thanks to Dr Adams.. I want to testify to everyone how Dr Adams saved my marriage. I got married to my husband about 4 years ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed,arguing about little things he always come home late at night and sleeping with other women. I have never loved any man in my life except him. He is the father of my child and i don’t want to lose him. Few months ago he decided to leave me and the kid,being a single mother can be hard sometimes and so i have nobody to turn to and i was heartbroken. I called my mom and explain everything to her,my mother told me about Dr Adams how he helped her solve the problem between her and my dad, they were divorce for 3years and Dr Adams restored their marriage. I was directed to Dr Adams on his email: dradamsjohnsoncentre12@ gmail .com and explained everything to him,so he told me not to worry that he will solve it and make things come back to how we were, so much in love again and said my husband was under manipulation by a female controlling my husband. He said my problem will be solved within two days if i believe i said OKAY. So he prayed and did miracle for me and after two days my lover came back on his kneels crying and begging me to forgive him. Am so happy now. Contact Dr Adams (dradamsjohnsoncentre12@ gmail. com) for any kind of relationship/marriage problem.
I think the pivotal point – as if being told to f**k off twice in a crowded restaurant wasn’t enough – but finding myself continually asking for respect. As the rage of a public shaming subsided- complete with rigid stress in my jaw and neck – I knew it had to end. I wish I could say I bowed out graciously – alas not – rage was like a volcano. This had never happened before either. A more than stormy end.
I am in the middle land right now… waiting to be sentenced…very powerless position just because I have more hope for the relationship and hold on to more of the good part. but I feel really stupid… we have a long distance relationship over a year.. just about to move closer to each other my boyfriend’s dad passed away a week ago, and he decided to move east coast… that leave us with no option but to take some break. He told me he still loves me, but he can’t feel much emotion towards thinking about us right now. I can understand he needs time to grieve…but the way he handle us makes me feel very sad… there were also few occasion before this incident that he showed me that he is the type of guy can drop me without pain in his heart… I don’t know why I keep holding on because I believe he is good inside and just emotionally damaged due to his painful childhood… I think I have been making excuses for his behavior of being emotionally distance to me… yet, he was affectionate to me on our phone conversations and texts.. and when we see each other and visit each other, we did have a lot of good time.. He would drive 8 hours to come see me I would have thought that is love right? that’s what I don’t understand and couldn’t figure out if he is a toxic man or a damaged man… many times in my head I have the urge to just break it off… but it also feels painful, but I don’t know how to fix this relationship and make it back to when we started.. when it started was all exciting and romantic and silly and happy. How did we end up here?? where is constant anxiety that I have to bare on my own… no communication, no connection. I don’t know what he is at right now inside.. he is not breaking up with me, but not communicating with me either… it’s like he has no care about how this would make me feel… and I have to be the one to be understanding of what he is going through right now… and I feel bad to even think this way because I feel maybe I am not being unconditional or empathetic enough… maybe I am not… i don’t know…. This is defiantly a tough place to be…. I am trying to do more things myself and just not think too much about him… but I still do that’s why brings me here to read your blog…
Not sure how long ago you wrote this comment, I am just reading these. I am going through a similar situation, in a 6 year relationship. Difficult to discern what is the right decision. (We have not lived together as we are both raising our kids) We are in the same spot right now where he needs space to deal with his life/issues, but for him we are still in a relationship – hard for me to see/feel it that way. We are going on a previously scheduled big vacation in a week, not sure how that is going to go as we are not communicating right now except on the weekends. He is better at compartmentalizing than I am (work week vs weekends…). Not sure where the line is between me supporting him and what he needs, vs what I need and want from a relationship. And if he wants the same but cannot give it right now (he has a 10 year old…) , what do I do? I see our life together in the future but for now it is complicated and I end up sacrificing my needs to meet his, not sustainable. He also has childhood issues, so it’s just complicated and messy.