Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
This is a great article.
I am going through this right now and it is so so hard.
Me and my wife have been together over 5 years and married for over 3. We met and it sounds crazy but there is a deep connection between us. Although we have this deep connection and I really love her the relationship has been one long fight. She will admit she is insecure beyond belief and very jealous. I am not the cheating type I was with my last wife for 18 years. The insecurity drove me nuts and we had many a fight verbally more than physical although there was physical abuse on both sides which I am not proud of and haev seen someone about this. When I did leave a couple of times in the early days threre were some very minor suicide attaempts by my wife and I felt sort of sorry for her. I have 2 boys who were 8 & 10 at the start and although they didnt live with me it did affect my mood so it did impact them.
It takes 2 although it can be more one person than the other but I feel my wife has brought out the worse in me and I am not justyfying my actions.
I just want to say that I agree that these types of relationships are the hardest to get out of and I think that is in part to a possible addiction to the kiss and make up part.
I have never been so low in a break up before but I know it is over and I will be o.k in time.
I’m in a relationship, with a man who never devorsed his wife,now going on 14 yrs. or more. I respect the Bibles principles on marriage.He has help me to keep afloat finacially. Knowing that this relationship is toxic, he has been for me in most difficult sircomstances,and I know our relationship is going on 4yrs. He is very closed to his emotions and doesn’t talk,past experience, much pain. Yet,what makes the situation more difficult we live in the same complex, he has a carminstic personality. I often feel raw and unprotected.I keep trying to move forward and not feel my life is a drama
JoeLinda,
I share in understanding your vulnerability with your charismatic man. I too was in a relationship/friendship with a man that has the same characteristics of not only the charm but also a history of pain. I was so blinded by his charismatic personality, his gentle touch, his ever so sexy smile and his contagious laugh that I ignored all the signs that I knew I was ignoring. He had that special way of making me feel that I was that someone special when we were together but completely dismissed me and my desire to be with him when we were apart. Over time I learned of his ever so cleaver deceptions though would question myself as there was no congruency with the way he treated me when we were together and the way he dismissed me when we were apart. It has taken me years with the help of loving friends and God to heal the wounds this man created in my spirit and soul. Each day is a new awareness of how my own unhealed wounds of my past allowed him to captivate me with his charm, wit and larger than life personality. Maybe you too can find the following website helpful in recognizing some familiar traits with the man you have been involved with over these past 4 years. http://datingasociopath.com/ (very informative under the tab – Is he/she a sociopath? – Recovering & healing?) I do hope you find your peace.
It’s hard when the toxic relationship involves family. I finally decided last December that I was going to end it with my mother. It really didn’t go well and ended up leaving crying as usual, sadly.
After 28 years of dealing with this, I’m tired of being bashed for everything I do. It makes me feel that I do nothing right in my life. From the time I was a kid, she would tell me how stupid I was, and that I wasn’t going to be much in life, because I’m just really stupid. This goes on through out my adult hood. I’m a loser for working in a factory. I’m a loser that I didn’t finish college. That the only reason that I get raises is, because I must just bat my eyelashes to get what I want. That I should be a ashamed of my self that I actually try to look my best. And yes, my mother has actually have said all these things to me and many more. 🙁
I don’t know. Last time I checked, I have been supporting myself just fine since I have been 19 years old. I make good money. I try to be the best I can be in life, but yet that isn’t good enough for her. Everything I seem to do is wrong. All I ever wanted was a mother who would be there for me, who would love me and support my decisions. A mother that would be proud of me. Is that too hard to ask for?
On top of that, every time I go over there, it is the same story. So much tension. She complains about my dad, her job and everything else to the moon and back, and then comes back around to try to insult me for no reason. And when I say that hurts me, she comes back to say, “I’m just being honest.” I’m just tired. I feel drained. I’m tired of feeling upset every time I leave there. It sucks. I’m much happier not being around her.
When I told her that I was done, and that I don’t plan on coming back, she replied, “You’ll be lonely.” Funny thing, I feel lonely when I’m around you. I didn’t say that to her face, but that I was what I was thinking. I have plenty of people in my life who love and support me. If you can’t do that, then you shouldn’t be in my life in the first place. Heck, I’m even engaged with a wonderful man. So I’m not sure why she would even suggest that in the first place.
And to the people who are wondering whether or not to leave a marriage involved with kids, it will be better for everyone in the long run to end it.
My parents stayed with each other for too long. They spent more time fighting with each other then building a relationship with us kids. I felt like I always had to pick sides. My dad would complain about my mother and my mother would complain about my dad. We could never have a real conversation.
I’ve got to the point of my life that I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be upset all the time. Life is just too short. I don’t want to miss out on opportunities in life, because I’m being upset. So letting go of certain people is a must! I feel more free without those type of people.
I look at it this way, the more toxic people that you leave, the more room you leave for better people to replace them with. I feel like good things seem to happen to me when I finally put my foot down and just say no more.
Your right Kris, I do feel better for writing that out. Thanks! LOL #internet therapy
Thank you for this, Kris. I just signed up for your posts and tips and this was the first one in my inbox. Couldn’t have been more helpful or perfectly timed.
Has anyone here ever had to break up with their mother or father? My mother has some kind of narcissistic wound that makes our relationship all about her. My plea my entire life has been for her to listen to me, to see me (we are very different). I grew up with an alcoholic father and she just finally left that abusive relationship of 35 years last summer, four months before my wedding. My husband and I just had a baby 2 months ago (got pregnant right after the wedding! Hello, 1955 ) and since my baby has been born, my mother’s inability to respect boundaries has gotten so bad that I had to just shut her out completely. Blocked all phone numbers and emails. We had to move at the end of August (for reasons not related to her) and have a month before our new place will be ready so we are staying with my grandfather (an healthy, vibrant and amazing 94 year old!!) until then. His house is very close to where my mother lives so she has taken advantage three times now to “stop by and say hi” though I never reached out to her or told her I wanted her around. When I said this, what was her reply? “I just thought you’d like to see your mother.”
I don’t know how blocking every form of communication makes someone think you want to see them but the short of the long of it is that my husband has reached his tolerance for hearing about it and dealing with it (she texts him when she can’t get to me though we’ve asked her not to). I’m so grateful he pulls me back to see the picture clearly: if we are near her, the drama will continue, our clearly and repeatedly spoken boundaries will be violated and it will keep straining our relationship. I’d be sad to hear of others who have gone through this but am hopeful I can find some solidarity with someone here on this experience. I know I need to keep my daughter safe from the narcissism and if I keep having this “STAY AWAY FROM ME” feeling in my gut, then for my own health and well being (and ability to be a rock for my daughter) I need to steer clear too. But the guilt she lays on me! (And I guess on some level, the guilt I accept, right?) Thanks in advance for reading this. I’m often amazed at the connection I find on the Internet when reading these types of posts and comments from sister readers! XO
Have you come across the site http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ yet? (A general google search of ‘daughters of narcissistic mothers’ also brings up some other helpful sites.) My sister’s psych recommended it a few years ago. While mom treated my sister and I opposite (she the golden child; me the scapegoat), we both found info on that site that helps. Learning the pros/cons of going low contact vs no contact can help you decide what’s the best fit for you – though getting those boundaries set can be difficult at times. If you can find a therapist that specializes in NPD, that can also help. An online support forum can also help (or just reading others experiences like those posted on DONM) Good luck – it can be tough, but you’ve gotta do what’s best for you and your family.
I have just ended a four year toxic relationship, where my needs were not met, the man was everything you wouldnt look for in someone, selfish, uncompassionate, arrogant, egotistical with no regard for anyone but himself, we moved in as 2 step families after a year and thats when things started chang18 mths ago i made a mistake and kissed a good male friend and ever since things kept happening between us, i was able to identify why this happened but not able to stop it even though i adored my bf who was making my life miserable, i eventually plucked up courage to end it 2 months ago, i was wracked with guilt and completely down, i knew things would never change i had cried to my partner so many times of how i felt, i knew i couldnt be in love with him anymore or i wouldnt have feelings for someone else, i discovered after counselling and reading numerous articles that what my feelings were for my bf was an addiction he was like a drug to me, and giving him up has been just like giving up any habit, i am getting stronger day by day, but i think a lot about him, wondering what hes doing, he had over 10 chances from me to try and help with the problems we were having, when he thought he was losing me he would change for a couple of weeks then everything would go back to how it was before, he hasnt lived with me for 4mths and weve been apart for 2 months, i am seeing the friend i kissed and he adores me and is the complete opposite, i worry because i shouldnt still be thinking of my ex but i guess its normal and im just grieving, wanted to share my story, because i have found peoples experiences helpful to read and also its therapy for me!
I have been trying to leave my alcoholic husband for about 10 years (we have been married for 21 years). He kept me isolated from my family and friends to a point that I only knew a life with him. It has taken me 10 years to reach out for help through counseling and finding new friends. We have been separated for 10 months now and in order for me to get away from him initially I had to go to a shelter because he would always stalk me if I left him and I had no friends or family in the area to go to. Or he would threaten to harm my animals ( we have no children together) He actually killed one of my cats one time when I tried to leave him, so leaving him again was very difficult for me because I always feared for their safety and I couldn’t take them with me. But when I was finally able to get away he just left the house where we lived and all the animals there so I had to go rescue them, but luckily I was offered a job with a place to live on a farm so I could move them there. To make a long story short he is now in jail because of drinking and driving and I have filed for divorce. I know when he gets out of jail he will continue to try to be part of my life but I now have the strength and good friends to help me through it.
Is it really OK, acceptable, to cut all ties with one or all siblings? I believe for the sake of my health and sanity that it is. I feel guilty and relieved, sad but content. Mostly, I think I feel truly free. It’s such a funny place to be; to feel that way. After the death of my mother, my father died many years before, we simply went our own separate ways, with the exception of my one sister (a bi-polar alcoholic with more issues that I can even describe here) who tries to contact me constantly. Argh…
Hi! I am so glad to have found this website! I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for 3 years. I thought he was the one as well. I slowly over the last year have come out of my fantasyland mentality and realized that he is unavailable emotionally. I held my stress in my left hip groin area and now I have a serious problem that I am getting tested for. I am working with a healer that is helping me release what I have manifested in my body. Scary! So I have changed my lifestyle drastically on every level and I am determined to heal myself and my life! No one whether blood related or not is worth creating pain and disease in your own body!
What a beautiful, empowering article. Thank you so much. I will focus on your last paragraph as I make my break. We all have to follow our heart and live authentically, in order to feel true inner happiness. Never will I take a side road, off my path, again. We live and learn. Thanks Kris
I just went through the roughest breakup last night! It was the ultimate doozy! I found myself saying things that would have under normal circumstances I would have NEVER said! At one point, it was like I came outside of myself and was like “What in the hell are you doing?’ I have felt the strain of this relationship on me mentally, emotionally, physically, and even financially so much over the past few months. Because we have been together for almost 4 years and we were friends prior made it a lot harder to get out. That was for both of us. I admit that I have had my issues in this realtionship from the beginning. I never used to have an issue with being open and honest when we were friends, however when I found myself liking him I felt the need to coverup certain things in my life. (Which if you don’t know is a definite red flag! If you ever feel the need to withhold things from someone that you love then that is grounds that this person may not be for you. True love is honest beyond any fear!) Just over the past year or so I had just become tired internally & spiritually and didn’t want to break his heart or mine. I loved him and still do but I just feel a relief that it’s over! I was tired of not being heard, having my words twisted around on me, living in this state of mental being that if I changed things would be okay. There was never full admittance of issues only until a blow up happened and the dust settled. I was too ashamed to break up also because of the circle of people that we had been around (including our ex spouses) and what they would think. It hurts becuae I do love him and love his children just as he loves me and mine. But I am also relieved that I can finally get back to what is important in my life. And I am going to take the proper time to heal this time and remain open that I will attract true love!
Honestly, Kris Carr, you are a wise, soulful, and beautiful Goddess. Thank you for sharing your soul wisdom. You make earth a better place. And on that note, Happy Earth Day 🙂
As always, so inspiring to share your thoughts and insights. Again:-)much love from Sweden!//Jejja
I have called a lawyer and I a freaking out
I just had a girlfriend, for the first time in my life, tell me I was causing a toxic relationship, “like all the rest.”
Now I’m in an awesome relationship. I’m thinking, “Maybe she needs to evaluate the common denominator.”
I have been what I have now figured out is toxic relationship for six years. we broke up about a month ago . and as exhausting and depleting as it has been. I was treated horribly and manipulated, cost me a job I had been at for thirteen years. and should be delighted to be free. but I am begging her to let me come back home an she is meaner than she has ever been and I still can’t shake it and would go back tonight if she let me. what do I do . I am so lost
im still stuck 🙁 Its been a year and half of ups/downs break up/make up, and even though I know its poisonus I always go back. The cherry on top is that i found out this weekend that he cheated on me last year. Can someone tell me how this isnt the last nail i need?? Im so ashamed of myself. When did i turn into this pathetic person?
Hi, iv been in a toxic relationship for some time now, it’s been on and off for about 2 years. He always chops and changes his mind every few weeks weather he wants me in his life or not, last week was his birthday and I was this amazing girlfriend ‘I repeat!’ And now this week he dosent want to know me. Told me it’s been a build up for some time now, bla bla!! How a can’t change his mind, I need to accept it and all this.. He said he does love me and I do make him happy he just dosent want to be with me.. It’s been 4 days and I haven’t heard a word from him. Can someone give me advice please?
Thank you for this article. What to do when someone like your mom or dad cant see how toxic they have become. When they bring nothing but negative stuff to your life but of course “with the best intentions”. When you break up with a boyfriend / girlfriend you might not even see them again, and eventually they are out of your heart, but what to do when is your mom, dad, sister?
It wasnt a intimate relationship this time. i was a drummer and he was a lead singer and i spotted the old familiar feelings of shame based guilt, broken promises, control games,and the double standards. Whats more after his drunken episodes and with holding of final monies.After all that crap…. I was ‘dist’ because i ”quit him thru text’ According to mr Elvis I wasnt manly or forthright to do it face to face. Well all I knew was it was time to go. Since then theres been subtle ‘digs’ in facebook. I dropped the guys fbf like a hot potato, but he post on others pages And while its been 6 months I still smart over his parting shots. He on the other hand is enjoying monies on gigs i fouNd. Oh well Im gone. And hopefully a little wiiser.
I think I have a toxic work relationship. Anyone else? It’s nothing more than work related, however, we work in a small environment. It’s a healthcare setting, surrounded by patients in pain so it’s already negative. (Mostly…others are post operative and feel better) But my co-worker is narcissistic, self absorbed, (redundant?) and talks all the time.He has to explain in fine detail how bad and challenging each patient he interacts with is, not just doing the work and understanding that is his job, he now has to drag me down in it. Meanwhile, I have equally challenging patients all day, nonetheless having to absorb his too! I understand the need to vent to survive and get through the day, I’m not sure though how much longer I can be weighted down. Any advice? Money is not worth my well being and I’m having a hard time coming to grips with it. Thank you in advance for outsider feedback.