Hiya Gorgeous,
We all have a deep-rooted calling to feel happy. To love ourselves unconditionally and to embrace all the nooks and crannies that make us unique.
For me, that means knowing that I need peace of mind like I need oxygen. I need unstructured time like I need water. Contentment and less stress boost my immune system more than green juice.
And yet I often get lost in my to-do list, complain about too many commitments and align myself with people who give me more headaches than joy. I’ve caught myself saying things like, “once I’m over this hump I’ll have more breathing room.”
But here’s the thing about humps: There’s always another one on the next hillside. And humps hump. Yes, you read that correctly. They breed like rabbits!
I don’t know about you, but sometimes my mouth moves before my brain thinks. And as we all know, words are powerful. So as part of my peace-of-mind plan, I’ve decided to examine my language.
Especially the use of the following words:
- Sorry.
- No.
- Thank you.
Harmless, helpful words, right? Yet their misuse can slowly drain our self-worth, damage our relationships and cause us to take on misplaced responsibility, while also watering down their meanings. Consciousness takes practice, so let’s dive in.
Sorry.
There are right times to be sincerely sorry, without question. A meaningful and complete apology is true heart medicine, a 1000-mg dose. And it’s our job to supply it when we mess up. Doing so helps us both.
But there are also unnecessary times to apologize, like when you catch yourself handing out knee-jerk sorrys for who you are, the dreams you have for your life, or for not being able to give more than you have without depleting your own precious energy reserves.
Remember, while it’s super important to be compassionate and keep your side of the street clean, what other people think of you is ultimately none of your business (at least that’s what my therapist tells me, lol!). You can’t please everyone. So for me, it’s important to own my mistakes, but not take on other people’s stuff that has nothing to do with me. And to speak my truth when needed, rather than just trying to apologize my discomfort away.
Here are some examples of times I’ve apologized for no reason…
- When I was afraid to ask for what I needed.
- When I had to make a boundary but I was really uncomfortable.
- When I needed to stand up for myself or the people (and animals) I love.
- When I was vulnerable and put my desires out there.
- When I said no to the telemarketer who repeatedly called (during dinner—even when I asked to be taken off the list).
Sorry slip-up flashback:
When I launched KrisCarr.com, a disgruntled reader let me know that not only did she not like my new design, she also didn’t like my smile. Huh? In her mind, my site was too flashy, and I had no business advertising my own books (perhaps she works for free, but I can’t). As for my smile, it was way too big and therefore not authentic. Naturally I was hurt and pissed! Unnaturally I responded with something like “I’m so sorry you feel that way, I am proud of my new website and the work I do.” While I’ve always responded to negativity by either taking full responsibility when needed, ignoring it or blasting it with a fire hose of sunshine, did I have to say sorry? No. Was I sorry? Heck NO. No need to apologize. Oh, and did I stop smiling that day? Nope! Ain’t gonna happen. 🙂
Sorry isn’t a band-aid or a replacement for a backbone.
Sorry isn’t a way to keep the peace at the expense of your self-respect or well-being.There’s a difference between true remorse and a fear of being judged. Sweet friend, don’t say sorry if there’s nothing to be sorry for. Because I don’t know about you, but when I mindlessly vomit apologies, I’m often left feeling like a powerless doormat. Yuck. Get off the floor.
No.
I know that many of you can relate to this next one. It’s something I still struggle with, big time. I have a long history of not of saying no when I need to and instead turning my life into a constipated pretzel with an automatic yes response.
I’ve said yes when I should have said no because…
- I hate to let people down.
- I want everyone to be happy.
- I underestimate how long projects will take, and I fail to prioritize my time.
- I disregard my health and think I have more energy than I actually do.
- I forget that my needs matter—that I matter as much as the other person.
Naughty no-no flashback:
Once upon a time, I agreed to a speaking engagement on a cruise ship. Sounds breezy, right? Not for me. I get extreme vertigo on big boats that can last for months afterwards. So why on earth did I say yes? Several reasons, but mostly because the folks asking me were painfully pushy. They were strong about what they wanted, but was I? I wiggled. I put the answer off as long as I could but eventually caved and said yes. Then I immediately started to panic. How would I get through 10 days of physical pain? Answer: I couldn’t! A month later I finally mustered a no and pulled out of the gig. Of course, by waiting I caused undue stress for all. If I had been upfront and able to put my needs first, I would have saved us both a lot of grief. Lesson learned.
Saying yes can feel good, and often comes from a positive place. It means we care about other people, want to do good things and spread happiness in the world. It means we’re optimistic and believe in our abilities. Sadly, though, few of us can make every dream match the reality of only 24 hours in a day. As my brilliant bestie Marie Forleo has said, “Get on the No Train,” choo choo! While this may seem like obvious advice, how often are we consistent No Train conductors?
You can’t always “yes” your way out of a problem.
Think about my example. Mindlessly agreeing may temporarily avoid discomfort, but it’s often short-sighted and even lazy. Instead of setting a boundary, we slip into “yes” amnesia, forgetting we’ve been here before. In this delusional state, there’s unlimited time, superhuman energy and a gaggle of soul-nannies who keep us fed, bathed and exercised. Sober up, dear one! (I’m speaking to myself too.) Splash yourself with cold water and (gently) slap your cheek. If you’re worried about scarcity, let that go. Offers and opportunities will continue.
Remember that every unwanted yes takes you one step further from freedom, well-being, and time with yourself and loved ones. And every no leaves room for something glorious.
Thank you.
Gratitude is one of the holiest ways to honor and connect with yourself and others. Saying thank you for a generous gift, kindness or favor is gracious. Repeatedly gushing thanks because you feel guilty or undeserving is not.
I’ve said thank you too much because…
- I don’t feel deserving or worthy.
- I feel guilty, uncomfortable or like something is wrong with me.
- Love may never come again.
- I don’t want to seem ungrateful, so I overcompensate.
Thankless thank you flashback:
During my actor/dancer period, I needed a loan to get through a rough patch. I borrowed the cash from a friend, and I insisted on a monthly payment plan. I was truly grateful. I always sent her my checks on time with a gushing note as an expression of thanks. Though I paid off my debt in the timeframe we established, I had a burning feeling that it was never enough. Years later we had a falling out for a different reason. And what do you think she hit me with? “You never appreciated the money I lent you.” I could have written a personalized thank you across the sky (with my blood), and it still wouldn’t have been enough. One thank you or a thousand made no difference. Clearly something much bigger was going on, and that something had nothing to do with me.
A heartfelt thank you is polite and loving. Becoming a thank you Pez dispenser is just plain toxic.
No one should hold you captive emotionally or treat you like a mooch. If you find yourself saying thank you too much, that might mean it’s time to re-examine the balance in your relationship. Perhaps they don’t deserve you. Look beyond your compulsion to say thank you and address the real issue or elegantly remove yourself from the drama. Bon voyage!
Wrapping it all up:
There’s a fine line between healthy and unhealthy use of language. It’s part of our spiritual journey to find our tipping points and gently adjust them.
When I get clear on the whys behind my sorrys, nos and thank yous, I get clear on who and what I need to embrace or release. I make room for more living and less second-guessing, more truth and less explaining, more relief and less regret.
Am I ready to live in that space more often?
YES, PLEASE, ABSOLUTELY!
Your turn: Is it just me or can you relate? Share your thoughts in the comments below, I’m really curious!
Peace & proper vocabulary,
My minister has taught me that whatever you say after I am is very powerful, so I seldom say the s word. I do say that I have learned and will do better, etc.
This is awesome – I can totally relate! I’m so glad I found you via Marie Forleo’s “Start the right business” PDF.
Well said. Really! And I love your website.
What I’ve learned over the decades is that sometimes doing the right thing means others will feel a bit hurt. As long as I remain true to myself it all works out. Avoiding future resentments means honoring what my spirit is calling me to do, say or act upon.
That means even when loved ones put the power pressure on, I need to check in, tune in, and respond from my right self. There is no deeper pain than that which comes from caving to a loved ones manipulation only to be hurt later. Yep — the hardest lesson was this one. That is the kind of betrayal that is hardest to accept but learning to break the betrayal bonds begins once we start to honor ourself.
Thanks for a great article.
N
Just what I needed to hear. I have a deep-rooted need to be happy and to be of clear conscience and mind, too. Unfortunately, I am in a hump situation where my humps keep humping and multiplying. I’m getting ready to say “no”– which for me is saying “yes” to something better but I am definitely afraid.
hi Kris,
I often find that immediately after I utter the words, “I’m sorry”, I’m sorry. I can feel my power draining right out of my soul. When I stop and take a breath and take stock of my motivations, it’s often, at least for me, born and bred of my own expectations of others in some way. What I mean is that I, more often than I’d like to admit, say I’m sorry as a way of extending some pseudo olive branch (because I’m very uncomfortable with discord of any kind) and hoping/expecting to defuse whatever it is that’s going on and/or be thought of as a “nice” person.
When my kids were young they both played basketball. The boys played the same game as the girls with the same amount of physicality but I can’t even begin to tell you how many times during the girls game, while they were passing my seat court side, I heard them say “I’m sorry” to one another. We girls learn, at a very early age, that being apologetic is a sweet and endearing quality in spite of the fact that we often have to dim the wattage of our very souls to do it.
Every single time you tell on yourself, Kris, you are making it safe and possible for the rest of us to look at these things with an open heart and the knowledge that we are in good company.
I will take a deep breath all week before I say Thank You, Yes or I’m sorry.
with so much love and gratitude,
Dawn
LOVE YOU
YES
THANK YOU
Hi Kris! I just heard a song this morning that brought me right back to this blog of yours. “N-O Is My New YES” by Karen Drucker on her album All About Love. Love, Light and Laughter!
I think it’s very important to take time off for yourself, and I’ve learned that over and over again. It’s funny, because right before the new year, I found an old article that I cut out a few months ago that spoke about the importance of taking time off for yourself. The universe was sending me a message, the same one again! LOL I have felt so good when it came to doing something fun, relaxing, or taking on a new hobby. If I’m feeling like a million bucks, than everything and everyone around me will benefit as well.
Thank you for posting this, Kris! The entire article resonated with me – right place & right time.
One “thank you” that I always regret as soon as the words slip out of my mouth is when I get pulled over by a cop. It doesn’t matter if I drive away with a ticket or they “go easy” on me, I’m not actually thankful for anything about the experience.
Other things I try not to say would be self-defeating mantras. Some of these are, “I swear I can be so dumb,” “I’m so forgetful,” “I always do that” (usually something I don’t want to keep doing), “I hate…” (something about that statement just doesn’t feel right to me).
One more thing I would like to be more aware of is trying to please other people by agreeing with them. If they say something that I don’t necessarily relate to I tend to say, “I know,” or a give nervous giggle coupled with a “Yeah.” Then I proceed to tie an experience or thought loosely together with what they said.
Good blog entry.
I really enjoyed this. I would LOVE for Kris to do a blog specifically dealing with relationships…knowing when to say No or Yes. Listening to your gut. Facing the fears. Not settling. What are your deal breakers? (If they watch Jerry Springer and play video games excessively?) What are your necessary requirements–should they be actively pursuing a forward-thinking way of living and being…or if they are deeply rooted in the old world and way of living, striving and pursuing material rewards, does that make them off-limits?
Wow, I am speechless!
What an amazing clarification of such simplicity of vocabulary that indeed affects our communication with others. I agree and I will so look forward to making changes in my writing and in my verbal communciation. This is so true and knowledgable.
I beleive that will add words to your three most used words, and they would be:
Yes, Maybe, Not sure, Could be, Must, Anyway, Tentative, and there might be more, there the word Might as well goes in this list I just wrote… LoL ; ) These are words that detain opportunities of preventing what you really want to say up front and centered.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Aviles
No is my biggest challenge. When to say NO and how to say No can be quite challenging but the more i work on being my authentic self the easier it gets to say No and truly really mean it.
Saying “no” when I need (or just want) to is something I’m still working on… but I’m getting better at it! Here’s an example:
Recently, I was asked to give an oral presentation to a colleague’s clients, with only two days’ notice. The presentation would have been on a topic I had no prior background or expertise in. I declined, saying I was not the best person to give a presentation on that topic, and suggested someone more appropriate.
My colleague refused to take no for an answer—and asked me to do the presentation anyway, this time on a topic related to my work. Providing needed information to clients was a worthy goal. I did have the information and resources to give. However, the deadline to prepare the presentation was unrealistic, and the total time commitment needed for it was unclear. There was a possibility I might have to give the same presentation more than once, or stretch out the material for the presentation over several nights.
When it came right down to it, the lack of clarity on the time commitment involved was the deciding factor for me in saying no for the second and last time. This colleague’s supervisor had a history of asking me to do projects for her that ended up taking much more time than I’d been led to believe—time that would have been better spent on higher-priority projects. I also didn’t want to give up a free evening (or several) to do something that a) wasn’t required for my job; and b) I didn’t really enjoy doing anyway. (For me, giving an oral presentation is about as much fun as having a root canal. With no anesthetic.)
I felt pressured into giving the presentation, and angry and resentful when I considered giving in to this last-minute request I knew was rooted in a lack of planning on my colleague’s part. (Now what was that about “not constituting an emergency on my part”?) I wasn’t responsible for her failure to book a speaker ahead of time—and I wasn’t responsible for solving that problem for her. I was responsible for keeping any commitments I did make—and I had a responsibility and a right to say no if I didn’t think I’d be able to keep them.
That turned out to be the key to my (ultimately effective) response: “No, I won’t be able to do the presentation. I’m not comfortable with the time commitment involved—and I’d rather say no than make that commitment and not be able to keep it.”
A sincere thank you for your your timing 🙂 Wow!
I’ve shared this on my blog so as not to lose track of the reminder.
Words do mean things and I agree with you and will share your article.
Thank You,
Alex Bell
I am (sincerely!) grateful for this article, Kris. I can relate to everything you wrote about. I’m working on addressing and releasing the discomfort that I’m faced with almost every time someone asks me to do something I’m not excited about and I impulsively say ‘YES!’ while thinking… ‘No, oh God, No!’ It’s time for my people pleasing ways and self-defeating beliefs of, ‘I’m not worthy of awesomeness all the time so I might as well take what I can get even if I’m miserable’ to go!
Thank you Kris for sharing this, really powerful stuff and it is reassuring to see that I am not the only one who has felt this way. So got your message from you sharing you own experiences, and helped me “forgive” myself for my own wanderings off the path from my own contentment and happiness.
Way to keep it real, and love you for it!
Thank you, Kris, for another cupful of pure wisdom and light! Your insights and the sharing of your journey always inspire and enlighten me. And, by the way, you have a GORGEOUS smile and I LOVE the website!
Namaste and xo
I can absolutely relate. My husband and I have noticed that a lot of people say things that are simply unnecessary or that they don’t mean. Ever since we noticed we did it ourselves, we have almost removed all of it from our vocabulary and from our behavior.
The words “sorry” “the best” and “I love you” are thrown around way too often without any real merit or emotion behind them.