Hiya Gorgeous,
We all have a deep-rooted calling to feel happy. To love ourselves unconditionally and to embrace all the nooks and crannies that make us unique.
For me, that means knowing that I need peace of mind like I need oxygen. I need unstructured time like I need water. Contentment and less stress boost my immune system more than green juice.
And yet I often get lost in my to-do list, complain about too many commitments and align myself with people who give me more headaches than joy. I’ve caught myself saying things like, “once I’m over this hump I’ll have more breathing room.”
But here’s the thing about humps: There’s always another one on the next hillside. And humps hump. Yes, you read that correctly. They breed like rabbits!
I don’t know about you, but sometimes my mouth moves before my brain thinks. And as we all know, words are powerful. So as part of my peace-of-mind plan, I’ve decided to examine my language.
Especially the use of the following words:
- Sorry.
- No.
- Thank you.
Harmless, helpful words, right? Yet their misuse can slowly drain our self-worth, damage our relationships and cause us to take on misplaced responsibility, while also watering down their meanings. Consciousness takes practice, so let’s dive in.
Sorry.
There are right times to be sincerely sorry, without question. A meaningful and complete apology is true heart medicine, a 1000-mg dose. And it’s our job to supply it when we mess up. Doing so helps us both.
But there are also unnecessary times to apologize, like when you catch yourself handing out knee-jerk sorrys for who you are, the dreams you have for your life, or for not being able to give more than you have without depleting your own precious energy reserves.
Remember, while it’s super important to be compassionate and keep your side of the street clean, what other people think of you is ultimately none of your business (at least that’s what my therapist tells me, lol!). You can’t please everyone. So for me, it’s important to own my mistakes, but not take on other people’s stuff that has nothing to do with me. And to speak my truth when needed, rather than just trying to apologize my discomfort away.
Here are some examples of times I’ve apologized for no reason…
- When I was afraid to ask for what I needed.
- When I had to make a boundary but I was really uncomfortable.
- When I needed to stand up for myself or the people (and animals) I love.
- When I was vulnerable and put my desires out there.
- When I said no to the telemarketer who repeatedly called (during dinner—even when I asked to be taken off the list).
Sorry slip-up flashback:
When I launched KrisCarr.com, a disgruntled reader let me know that not only did she not like my new design, she also didn’t like my smile. Huh? In her mind, my site was too flashy, and I had no business advertising my own books (perhaps she works for free, but I can’t). As for my smile, it was way too big and therefore not authentic. Naturally I was hurt and pissed! Unnaturally I responded with something like “I’m so sorry you feel that way, I am proud of my new website and the work I do.” While I’ve always responded to negativity by either taking full responsibility when needed, ignoring it or blasting it with a fire hose of sunshine, did I have to say sorry? No. Was I sorry? Heck NO. No need to apologize. Oh, and did I stop smiling that day? Nope! Ain’t gonna happen. 🙂
Sorry isn’t a band-aid or a replacement for a backbone.
Sorry isn’t a way to keep the peace at the expense of your self-respect or well-being.There’s a difference between true remorse and a fear of being judged. Sweet friend, don’t say sorry if there’s nothing to be sorry for. Because I don’t know about you, but when I mindlessly vomit apologies, I’m often left feeling like a powerless doormat. Yuck. Get off the floor.
No.
I know that many of you can relate to this next one. It’s something I still struggle with, big time. I have a long history of not of saying no when I need to and instead turning my life into a constipated pretzel with an automatic yes response.
I’ve said yes when I should have said no because…
- I hate to let people down.
- I want everyone to be happy.
- I underestimate how long projects will take, and I fail to prioritize my time.
- I disregard my health and think I have more energy than I actually do.
- I forget that my needs matter—that I matter as much as the other person.
Naughty no-no flashback:
Once upon a time, I agreed to a speaking engagement on a cruise ship. Sounds breezy, right? Not for me. I get extreme vertigo on big boats that can last for months afterwards. So why on earth did I say yes? Several reasons, but mostly because the folks asking me were painfully pushy. They were strong about what they wanted, but was I? I wiggled. I put the answer off as long as I could but eventually caved and said yes. Then I immediately started to panic. How would I get through 10 days of physical pain? Answer: I couldn’t! A month later I finally mustered a no and pulled out of the gig. Of course, by waiting I caused undue stress for all. If I had been upfront and able to put my needs first, I would have saved us both a lot of grief. Lesson learned.
Saying yes can feel good, and often comes from a positive place. It means we care about other people, want to do good things and spread happiness in the world. It means we’re optimistic and believe in our abilities. Sadly, though, few of us can make every dream match the reality of only 24 hours in a day. As my brilliant bestie Marie Forleo has said, “Get on the No Train,” choo choo! While this may seem like obvious advice, how often are we consistent No Train conductors?
You can’t always “yes” your way out of a problem.
Think about my example. Mindlessly agreeing may temporarily avoid discomfort, but it’s often short-sighted and even lazy. Instead of setting a boundary, we slip into “yes” amnesia, forgetting we’ve been here before. In this delusional state, there’s unlimited time, superhuman energy and a gaggle of soul-nannies who keep us fed, bathed and exercised. Sober up, dear one! (I’m speaking to myself too.) Splash yourself with cold water and (gently) slap your cheek. If you’re worried about scarcity, let that go. Offers and opportunities will continue.
Remember that every unwanted yes takes you one step further from freedom, well-being, and time with yourself and loved ones. And every no leaves room for something glorious.
Thank you.
Gratitude is one of the holiest ways to honor and connect with yourself and others. Saying thank you for a generous gift, kindness or favor is gracious. Repeatedly gushing thanks because you feel guilty or undeserving is not.
I’ve said thank you too much because…
- I don’t feel deserving or worthy.
- I feel guilty, uncomfortable or like something is wrong with me.
- Love may never come again.
- I don’t want to seem ungrateful, so I overcompensate.
Thankless thank you flashback:
During my actor/dancer period, I needed a loan to get through a rough patch. I borrowed the cash from a friend, and I insisted on a monthly payment plan. I was truly grateful. I always sent her my checks on time with a gushing note as an expression of thanks. Though I paid off my debt in the timeframe we established, I had a burning feeling that it was never enough. Years later we had a falling out for a different reason. And what do you think she hit me with? “You never appreciated the money I lent you.” I could have written a personalized thank you across the sky (with my blood), and it still wouldn’t have been enough. One thank you or a thousand made no difference. Clearly something much bigger was going on, and that something had nothing to do with me.
A heartfelt thank you is polite and loving. Becoming a thank you Pez dispenser is just plain toxic.
No one should hold you captive emotionally or treat you like a mooch. If you find yourself saying thank you too much, that might mean it’s time to re-examine the balance in your relationship. Perhaps they don’t deserve you. Look beyond your compulsion to say thank you and address the real issue or elegantly remove yourself from the drama. Bon voyage!
Wrapping it all up:
There’s a fine line between healthy and unhealthy use of language. It’s part of our spiritual journey to find our tipping points and gently adjust them.
When I get clear on the whys behind my sorrys, nos and thank yous, I get clear on who and what I need to embrace or release. I make room for more living and less second-guessing, more truth and less explaining, more relief and less regret.
Am I ready to live in that space more often?
YES, PLEASE, ABSOLUTELY!
Your turn: Is it just me or can you relate? Share your thoughts in the comments below, I’m really curious!
Peace & proper vocabulary,
A friend recently told me that she can never tell people “no.” I told her, “You tell people ‘no’ all the time. When you said ‘yes’ to that event that you didn’t want to attend, you were saying “no” to your family, who you had planned to spend the evening with.” Too often we and the people closest to us get all of our “no’s” because we’re handing out all our “yes’es” to everyone else. Thanks for these words and reminders, Kris!
I love that perspective, Joy!!
Great article, I think it’s important to keep this sort of balance, the ability to stand up for yourself and be true to yourself, these are so important
Thank you
I think you need to have this balance in your own life so others can have there boundaries too, great blog!
This describes me with apologizing and thanking, but I am pretty good at saying no.
I had a huge fight with a “friend” over this. She saw my no’s as selfish and not what good friends do.
Yet she does not see how she is ruining her health with the inability to say no and over stressing herself to get it all done.
Definitely will be working on the mindless sorry and thank you’s!
Great post.
Another awesome post Kris. Learning to say no is hard. I was the yes person – the helper to everyone and then I stopped as I was exhausted. No one else picked up the slack – they were just use to me helping them or arranging every event. Over time, I have learned to say yes again but if that feeling that I should say no comes up – I say “let me think about it”. I have also learned that I need to allow people to say no and give the option by saying “think about it and let me know if it works”. That way, everyone has time to reflect on what really works for them. As a Canadian, sorry is used here for everything – it will be hard to remove a cultural way of speaking but I am up for it. And while I use thank you often, I wish more people were in the habit of using it and of course meaning it.
Thank you again for hitting the mark with another post.
I work for a company whose motto towards customers is “Just say yes.” So even when they’re wrong or abusive, we have to say “I’m sorry” and try to please them, even if their requests are outrageous. If we don’t, we get written up and the customer is send coupons for free merchandise by the company. Every time this happens, I feel like I lose a bit of my soul. I know several co-workers (myself included) who have been brought to tears by a customer. And it’s over coffee! Thanks for writing this!
You SHOULD be proud of your work! I love your webside and your books and the work you do.
Thank you for everything!
Elina
Oh my!! I’m the WORST for saying I’m sorry for no good reason. Someone can cut me off in the grocery store and I’ll say “Oh, I’m sorry” to them. Many, many, many times I’ve said to myself and sometimes (afterwards and probably not so they can hear), “No I’m not. I’m not sorry at all”. It’s nuts and definately something I’m going to work harder to stop doing.
Loved this! As a stage 3a clear cell carcinoma, ovarian survivor. I find you so inspirational!
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this, it definitely hits home with me! I’m a chronic sufferer of saying “I’m sorry” and “yes” way too much. I find myself saying each of those when I don’t really mean it, because I just want to please those around me. And just like you illustrated in your “thank you” section, it’s often never enough. The more you say “I’m sorry” to someone, especially about something you’re not really sorry for, the more they seem to hold whatever you’re apologizing for against you. I never realized how powerless it makes you in other people’s eyes when you overemphasis your thanks or sorrow for something.
I’m going to make a conscious effort to not apologize unless it’s truly necessary and to only say it once. Even harder still, I’m going to try my best to only say “yes” to things I truly want to do and not just to make someone else happy. I’ve locked myself into way too many engagements that I wasn’t interested in attending, or roles that I wasn’t comfortable being in for the sake of someone else’s feelings.
Thank you, Kris! I sincerely mean that! This was a huge wake up call!
– Jen
My step mother in law has refused to have anything to do with my new born son or I for ten months because I didn’t send a formal thank you card for her shower gift ( which I wrote & my husband never mailed). I’ve stressed a lot about it, but it’s clearly not about me or the beyond a verbal thank you etiquette.
I’m so very sad for her. She will regret missing those early days. Yup, not about you… Big hug. xo kc
Oh, I so get this! I used to play tennis with this same group of women and one time we noticed that we were forever saying “sorry” … whenever we missed the ball, whenever we took too long to pick up the ball and even when we hit a great shot and won the point (wasn’t that why we were playing???). We then realized that you never hear men tennis players apologizing on the court, so why were we??? Right then and there we decided to try to break this habit! But it wasn’t as easy as we thought. You’re right, it takes practice.
Another great, honest, from the heart, resonating blog kris. I believe that these words should only be used when they come from the heart and not from any other place (like guilt, obligation, worry, fear, the list goes on). We could all take more responsibility for our own actions and feelings if we did everyone from the heart and not because of guilt, fear etc etc. thank you for sharing from the hear. Jess xxx
Dear Kris,
Thank you for sharing the “yes’ stories.
I can totally relate to them but from another perspective, I feel guilty when I say NO instead of bending the pressure to do something everyone expects me to do.
Must let go of that guilt and look after myself.
I did have a positive feedback once from a patient of mine who said he knew where he stood with me as I had clear boundaries.
Thank you Kris….more work for me to do
Sally
What a fabulous post, Kris. I can definitely resonate with each of these! It’s so easy for one or all three of these little words to trip off the tongue and then it becomes a habit (yikes!). It reminds me of the need to stand in my power and take care of myself. I’ve found that if I can pause before replying and tune into my body, then I’ll know if I should be using these words – the body knows! I love the way you’ve structured this post too – it’s entertaining as well as insightful and so honest. Thank you.
This article spoke volumes to me. It felt as though it was made for me to read. I needed this today. Thank you, no really THANK YOU!
Kris, I loved this article. I can TOTALLY relate. I say all three words too often – especially yes! I feel like I am always putting everyone else’s needs before my own, and I am left feeling drained and exhausted. I think that I have enough time to do everything and always put my needs last. When this happens I can’t be the person that I want to be! I appreciate that you were so upfront when writing this article.
I really need to read this!!! Because, I cannot always say no, I’m thinking “refuse” and I just say nothing or say “yes”… Thank you for the reminder 🙂
I got a habit of “oh, I’m sorry.” thing going on. I try to break it because it does make me feel inadequate but it keeps coming out of my mouth. Yikes! I can totally relate, Kris. This post really spoke to me; I think I’m going to improve my language by waiting, taking a breath, and thinking before I respond. Beautiful post, Kris! (and no need to say thank you! hee hee). xx
Holy resonance, Batman! I was feeling incredibly anxious today and you just delivered a breath of fresh air. Whew. Time to turn down some projects and do some tapping!