Hiya Gorgeous,
There’s an ancient Japanese art of repairing broken objects that holds powerful lessons for our daily lives. It’s called Kintsukuroi. When pottery breaks, instead of throwing it out, the object is lovingly repaired with gold. What was once damaged becomes even more unique and beautiful—“a conversation piece,” as my grandma would say. Something with new life and history.
We, too, are more beautiful and unique as a result of our broken-mended parts.
And for me, the process of repairing often begins with grieving. Expressing grief is like spiritual Kintsukuroi—it’s the healing gold that makes us stronger and more radiant.
2016 was a tough year for many people—myself included. I experienced deep personal loss and crisis in my family. It rocked my core and continues to have ripple effects. A special shout out of gratitude to my close friends, sister, loving husband and spiritual practice for providing space for my tears and my growth.
Though I’m not ready to share specifics, over the coming months, I hope to blog in a more personal way from time to time. But, the specifics don’t really matter.
What matters is that a lot of us are grieving right now for our own reasons, and we need tools and support to process our pain and transform it.
Be courageous
It takes courage to grieve because it hurts.
Grief requires us to stay present and to acknowledge our sadness or pain, rather than pushing it down or nonchalantly brushing it off. And let’s be honest, feelings are slippery little suckers. When we deny them, they can get pissed off and come out in other, more destructive ways. Addictions to food, drinking, drugs, shopping, sex, negativity, co-dependency… the list goes on.
Full disclosure: I recently started therapy again and it’s been very helpful. Among many things, it reminds me that it takes an enormous amount of psychic and physical energy to stuff my feelings—energy that’s far better served nourishing my life.
So if you’re pushing down your pain, I want to encourage you to find a safe place to explore and express it. Your health and happiness will thank you.
Feel your feelings
If this conversation sounds like the medicine or gold you need right now, set the intention that whatever comes up is ok and accepted. You are safe and supported.
You don’t need all the answers—you just need a willingness to feel.
Allow your feelings to move through your body. Gentle deep breathing, full body sobs, gut wrenching screams, even ecstatic dance are all methods to release our emotions. It will probably feel intense at times, like you’re being swept under by an emotional riptide. That’s normal, and it’s where trust comes in. Trusting and surrendering to the healing process. Trusting that you can breathe under the waters of grief, or any emotion for that matter. It may not seem possible. You’re human after all. But, your spirit is capable of breathing in the entire universe.
So as the waves of emotion arise, we boldly and bravely allow them in and through. In and through. In and through, till the tides recede.
And, they will. You won’t lose yourself or if you do (temporarily), it’s because you needed to let go of what wasn’t working in order to embody your true power.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you’ll suddenly be over the situation—the loss of your job, your health or a loved one. Or, that you condone any abuse or betrayal. It just means that you’re willing to be restored so that you can carry on “with your one wild and precious life”, as the poet Mary Oliver would say.
Transform grief into action
And, speaking of your wild and precious life: grief can be transformed into action. Yes, please!
The loss of a loved one can inspire us to start or join a cause, our despair over animal suffering, climate change, social issues and so on can inspire us to volunteer or donate to charities aligned with our values. I’m always renewed when I turn my pain into purpose and in the coming months, I’ll be doing more of just that.
Difficult times break us open, but the crack in our heart creates space for gold.
Ok, that’s it. Love you.
Peace and gilded veins,
Thanks so much for posting this. Yes, I immediately went to the Leonard Cohen quote that I see has been posted here by others. It’s such a helpful concept for me to envision and that imperfection can make something even more beautiful. When my brother died 12 years ago it took me almost a decade to cut out the numbing, feel the feelings and truly exist as that broken person full of gold! It’s so important to hear messages like this because I felt so alone for so long. The Crazy Sexy Miracles lectures really helped me!
Beautiful and true words. It seems now is a powerful time, filled with opportunities to step into those areas of life we often resist so strongly. What would happen if we could simply sit in our awareness and release our need for control, our judgements and limiting beliefs? What magical possibilities would we be able to receive? Sending love and light to all who are struggling.
Great post, as usual. I once did a 3D art project I called ‘Beautiful Scars’. It was me, wearing stickers of all the traumatic things that happened to me. I became the sculpture and it was a bit odd having everyone up close, reading the stickers. But the connection and conversation was great and it was so freeing for me to put it in the open. I felt empowered creating a space for others to talk about their trauma. It is hard because we don’t, as humans, moved toward discomfort, yet feeling our feelings and being open is so healing. It is filling our scars/cracks with gold.
Thanks so much for sharing, this Kris! I so much needed to hear this! I’d also like to say that you have been an inspiration to me for many years!!!! I’ve bought your cooking books, I’ve read your newsletters and your e-mails. You are making such a great difference in so many lives! Keep up the great work!
Love this post. I actually adopted the moniker The Kintsugi Girl on social media and under which to write (mainly little haikus and poems) and paint as the whole concept really resonated with me . As someone who has been living under the shadow of stage IV cancer for several years I am scarred and a bit battered but still here and still trying to find the joy in the everyday and the beauty in the broken…. it is still out there. And in the words of the late, great Leonard Cohen just remember, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
Hi Kris. I love your blog and recently referred your info on juicing and “positive” to a friend just diagnosed with cancer. I too have been transforming and your article was fabulous! Thanks you:).
Dear Kris, Thank you for your sharing. I know you are a brave person and an example to others. You help so many people to know that they are not alone in what they are facing. Yes, it’s scary times for many…out in the world and in personal lives. It’s like the universe is saying it’s time to look deeply and release what no longer serves us…even if it’s uncomfortable to do it. In the end, we are stronger for having done that. Blessings to you and I hope you have all the support you need to heal. Love, Barbara
Thank you for your words of inspiration. My daughter went to see you in NYC And always treasured your hug. Cindy passed away in October and we are filled with grief right to our core. I’m so grateful that Cindy had the opportunity with her two sisters to meet you. Thank you for all you do to help others. God continue to bless you.
What stuck out to me most was trust, Kris. Trust has been key for me. Trust things will work out. Trust that all is in its’ perfect place and time. Trust that some things need to be let go and some things need to be brought in.
Trust that a beautiful soul will say/write the exact words that you need to hear/see at the perfect moment.
Thank you always.
I was always taught this Japanese practice was called “wabisabi” ? Either way, a beautiful thing to see the beauty in imperfection!
You are brave, and wise, and beautiful. You are loved, and held, and cared for. Keep shining your light!
My sincerest condolences at your loss, Kris. May your memories be blessings that sustain you and inspire you. As you do for so many.
Kris,
We all fell in love with your beloved Buddy. But then, he just seemed to vanish. I follow your blog & Instagram closely–did I miss something?
It is my prayer that he is still with you. If not, it is my prayer that he is running free, without a harness, without pain.
Can you share an update? I miss him so (yes, even though I don’t really know him). I just ask for some information–so that I can stop worrying..and wondering.
Love & Peace
Kathy
Kris, your words are beautiful. I am marking this post to read again…and again. January 2017 has started out rocky with scary sad news. I am so sorry you have experienced such loss and grief in the past year. Sending you my love. I am a huge fan of yours…you have helped me more than you know. May all the sentiments expressed here by those you have touched help you now.
I am 65 yr old and have had my heart broken many times. Thanks for this post. I now envision my heart veined with gold. It is so true. When your heart breaks, there is always the opportunity to redefine, open, and fill the cracks with wisdom.
Thank You
Kris,
Thank you for this. I lost a loved one 2 years ago and I too had to learn all this through a therapist. My therapist also said that there are no short-cuts and if I didn’t feel my feelings now, I would have to later even if it was years down the road. This was so helpful because I honored anything that came up for me and I set aside time for it. I literally scheduled crying into my evenings the way I’d plan for dinner. I’d let me husband know in advance that I’d like him to hold me and he appreciated not being blindsided and he felt relieved he could help me in some way. After each crying session a small weight seemed to lift. It never ceases to amaze me that despite the cavernous grief I was in, once my tears started drying minutes later I could let some happiness in and actually feel a soothing glow. For a while I pictured my loved one’s spirit wrapping me in a warm blanket and thanking me for honoring her with my grief as she encouraged me to let that light in.
hope things will go well for you this year, Kris, God bless you, ; your writings and videos are very nice and helpful, thank you again, Kris
Dear Kris, I just want to say thank you. You spend most of your time caring for others, teaching people how to care for themselves. We probably forget or take for granted that you need love and care too.
What you’re going through does not sound easy, I wish you nothing but love and light, and a peaceful way back to feeling better.
Please continue to take care of yourself. We’ll be here when you’re ready.
Ditto, Stephanie.
My god that post resonated with me so much, thank you so much