Kris Carr

Kris Carr

Blog Post

The First Step to Self-Acceptance: You Are Not Broken

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Hi Sweetheart,

You are not broken.

Isn’t that a relief? Yup, your soul doesn’t need to be fixed, nipped, tucked or squished into an acceptable template. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you feel like a square peg in a round hole, if you feel unworthy, neglected, banged up or lost in any way—this blog is for you. Welcome to unconditional self-acceptance.

Through my work I get to travel the globe giving lectures and speeches, signing books and meeting thousands of people every year. I treasure those experiences. They remind me that no matter what our history, we’re more similar than different.

We all want to feel peace, connection and love. We all want to heal. And we all can.

As I stand on stages awash in sparkly lights, I often find myself looking into a gentle ocean of searching eyes. Eager seekers trying to learn how to live a good, healthy life. Smiley people. Tall people. Old people. Young people. Sick people. Perky people. All types of interesting people. But sometimes my intuition sees a layer deeper. In those moments, I notice a (subtle) collective anxiety, a pulsing desperation to get it “right.”

Of course a gusto for growth is vitally important. We all benefit from educating ourselves and making lifestyle upgrades. But it’s tricky to make changes from a belief that we’re fundamentally flawed. When we force improvements from that negative space, it becomes impossible to stick with them.

The good news is that it’s possible to seek from a place of fullness rather than lack, excitement rather than fear.

To know that even though you may be confused about a particular topic, you’re not incapable. You’re not a project to be checked off and accomplished. Your deep capacity to heal and grow is always present. Always. You don’t need a book or a doctor or a shaman to guide you. You just need to know how to go home to yourself on a daily basis.

“Do you make regular visits to yourself?” -Rumi

Such a great question! Thanks, Rumi.

Recently, my mom and I made visits to ourselves by attending a three-day meditation workshop with best-selling author, Buddhist scholar and psychologist, Tara Brach. It was deeply replenishing for us both. As much as I love teaching, I also cherish my time as a student. The title of the workshop was “True Refuge: Three gateways to peace and freedom.” True Refuge is also the name of Tara’s most recent book, a must read. In between guided and silent meditations, mindful strolls and candid personal reveals, we discussed how to cultivate presence (or mindfulness) through the three gateways: awareness, truth and love. Why do we do this? To access that homey space inside ourselves, to visit the True Refuge.

Hold for a poetry break…

Clearing by Martha Postlewaite

Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worthy of rescue.

“Create a clearing in the dense forest of your life.”

Isn’t that delicious?

Tara read that poem to kick off the weekend. When I think of that clearing, I feel an invitation to come back to myself, to experience grace while releasing the thoughts that paralyze me.

That clearing is inside you.

How easy it is to forget when we get caught up in everyday stressors and old aches and pains. Presence (pause, awareness) is the last thing we think of cultivating throughout the day, especially when the going gets tough and the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Our society makes finding that inner space all the more challenging. Tara discussed how we live in a culture that encourages separation from ourselves and the world around us. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re encouraged to fit into certain standards. “The best bikini bodies revealed!” or “10 things you need to do TODAY or your man will dump your ass!” Unfortunately, the only way to fit in is to whitewash our uniquely fabulous, kinky, quirky, wild essence or real self. Next we construct a fake (more snoring-ly appropriate) self in order to get the love and approval we seek. That kind of validation is built on a house of cards. And as I was reminded this weekend, the separation from our self (soul) only creates more suffering.

The more separation we feel, the harder it is to nestle into the genuine loving refuge inside ourselves. The True Refuge.

But finding your way to unconditional self-acceptance is easier than you think.

If I were to set my inner GPS to “home,” here’s how it would direct me:

  • Pause and prepare for some Spiritual Spelunking!
  • Set your intention to find your way back to yourself.
  • Grab a sturdy flashlight and allow whatever feelings to come up.
  • Notice without judgement (yeah, get off your own back!).
  • Have the courage and compassion to sit with any discomfort.
  • Connect with your heart. You may chat with yourself: “I’m here, it’s OK, I love you.”
  • Practice non-attachment—basically don’t identify or cling to your shizzle. And remember, it’s a thought, not a fact.
  • Woot! You made it.

If pesky, loud thoughts spring up during this practice, remember, it’s just brain blather. If your mind is like mine, it’s a raunchy parrot fluttering amok and crapping all over the place. Except I am not the parrot and neither are you. As we become more conscious of our true nature and as we develop a loving friendship with ourselves, we can slowly awaken from the illusion and realize that we’ve got the goods right here, right now, today, tomorrow and for all eternity. Being present and accepting ourselves in all our messy majesty is our greatest spiritual opportunity.

“Between the stimulus and response there is a space and in that space lie your power and freedom” -Viktor Frankl

So relax your body, release your “shoulds” and as Tara said, “stay close to what matters in your life.” Start to look for healthy, feel-good ways to truly be with yourself. And when self-judgement or attack shoot up, hold those negative thoughts with compassion and loving kindness. You might be surprised at how quickly they dissolve.

If you’re having a hard time with this, Tara suggested an awesome exercise. Identify a being that you see as enlightened. Invite them into your consciousness (I pictured Gandhi and me floating on rafts in my pool, beer cozies and all). Allow them to advise you. Ask yourself to just shhh and listen. And then, just wait for wisdom, comfort and bliss to wash over you.

Your turn: Do you struggle with self-acceptance? What tried-and-true techniques have you used to increase your self-love?

Peace and untangling,

Add a comment
  1. Laura says:

    Kris – I LOVE this article. I adore Tara Brach, too, and have listened to her guided meditations for years. Her voice is one of the most beautiful and calming around. This line made me laugh hard:

    “If your mind is like mine, it’s a raunchy parrot fluttering amok and crapping all over the place. Except I am not the parrot and neither are you.”

    I’m so glad you exist. Thank you.

  2. Melissa says:

    Kris, your documentary inspired me in so many ways…i’m not a cancer survivor, but a struggling survivor of childhood sexual abuse…which led me down the path of self-destruction–anorexia. Although our afflictions were and are so different, I firmly believe in the empowering affects of taking your own struggles by the horn; in other words, taking control of your life. It is up to each of us to seek what we need to fulfill ourselves, both mind and body…your documentary opened my eyes even further to the indisputable connection between our minds and bodies. Thank you for sharing your story in such a real, raw way…you have touched my life (and those of others) in ways I hope to touch someday. Even one life, one soul who is touched by my words or experience? That is a gift to me. Thank you for your gift of showing me the way to empower women and men who share my affliction…we are all, ultimately, looking for the same things: meaning, joy and fulfillment. We are ultimately all the same…xoxo

  3. Kris, so happy I stumbled upon your site. You have such a light, fun and inspiring way to talk about
    health, healing and awareness. I love this post on self-acceptance—the foundation of all relationships, health and healing. Wonderful words, wonderful post. Thank you! Linda

  4. Lisa says:

    Kris when I first saw you on oprah as you went through such a journey from being so sick to trying everything and anything. You hit my heart in a way that I’ve never seen anyone fight as hard as you! Now I have oprahs next chapter listening to mr nepo I can’t wait to hit the play button see how you are doing. I believe in miracles and even though you were full of fear this SEXY sweet man came out of all your darkness. I think of you often and I know in my heart this man is filling you with such happiness you will be just fine I feel that in my gut when I see your glowing face you don’t have all that stress of feeling alone anymore and when your mind body and spirit are well you will always be well especially I think since that show last year has opened doors to your passion of what you are doing now. You are so amazing when I have really bad days I think of what you went through and where you are now. I KNOW AND BELIEVE your now husband you would not have met if you did not get sick. I admire your not giving up your love for life being so positive. I am sick but not terminal type just having rough time in this life being a caretaker to every single person I loved the most died on me I have been angry since my mom died in 1988 I thought nothing could get worse than watching your best friend deteriorate for 10 years I took care of her. Then I found love of my life the day I gave birth the next day we found out his kidneys were failing I took care if him and newborn alone he was so much harder to take care of my mom. Dialysis 3times week I sat by his side for 3 hour sessions he had numerous operations from dialysis made him sick. I quit my job my life to take care of him and my son he got a transplant 3 years later lived a great life for 10 years then was on a scooter taking a test drive up street dog ran after him he lost his balance sorry to be graphic our 12 year old son witnessed his head falling onto the concrete full force. I know a helmet I despise people who ask this yes they are right he didn’t have one and it happened only five houses down. My heart hurts for my son as a mother what he saw as he rode his bike next to him. I have been so much angrier he died sept 2005 I am still in the same spot in bed most days. My sons hero was his dad I am so scared of being his only parent I am not paternal type I am a good mother but nothing like his dad. I feel the pain I’ve felt in my heart for my son and everyone abandoning us I don’t know where to turn. So many people think I have money nice house etc every single person I’ve met has been over them wanting money just since I am 16 and USED to be so strong all of this and my dad dying my son has no grandparents I feel I am going to get sick mom and her mom both had breast cancer my son is an only child. On a positive note the kidney that saved husbands life saved another life! “SO PLEASE DONT TAKE YOUR ORGANS TO HEAVEN, HEAVEN knows we need them here. I feel guilty writing my problems with what you faced I know your not a judgmental person if you read this my son needs me ASAP he will be 20! Peace love and most of all good health forever, your friend Lisa

  5. graes says:

    Dear Kris
    thank you –
    I have a question about your travel supplements organizer- could you please help me find it, please send links, or the brand name- thank you!

  6. Laura Beck says:

    Okay… Now I can’t get the image of a raunchy, crapping parrot out of my head. ; ) What a delight it is to repeatedly laugh out loud while reading your blogs, Kris Karr! You weave much-welcome mirth through even the most tender of subjects. Thank you again, again, and again for the gift of your “uniquely fabulous, kinky, quirky, wild essence.”

  7. eleanor says:

    this article was soooooo…… timely. I had just visited a dr. that was so upset that he wasn’t changing the world. (new young dr. already disenchanted) I felt bad for him. I am going to send him this article. Thank you

  8. Jill says:

    Accpepting and loving yourself are the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself. I started on a self love journey over a year ago, and I am loving myself more than ever, adoring myself, and the imperfections I once saw before I have grown to love. I am so happy I am me.
    Thank you for sharing this post, and inspiring others. Jill

  9. Stacie says:

    About a half hour before reading this, I had a talk with myself. I went the place that stands out most when my fear shifted me to flight mode – college – down to the moment. I don’t think, no I know, I had never really forgiven myself for my response. So I honestly acknowledged that I found my actions at the time disappointing, truly forgave myself and told myself, “I love you.” I’ve never done it before. It was really powerful but even though I felt like I let it go, there was still a little residue left. I thought, “Hey, give yourself a break, lady!” I didn’t want to neglect my progress. So I hopped on my computer to distract myself (still working on that) and someone had emailed me about a Tapping. I didn’t know what it was so I found a video of you on the Huffington Post. As I followed along, my shift came immediately. The tears and snot you said you sometimes have…that was totally me. It was the good cry…the ugly cry. Of course it’s a process but I felt an deep sense of peace. I wanted to leave a comment but it was closed so I found myself here reading this beautiful post.

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Kris. You have an amazing spirit. As you share your light, I feel more free to share mine. That is a beautiful gift.

    I am not broken and for the first time ever, I know that to be true.

    Love and light,

    Stacie

  10. Serena says:

    I can’t remember the last time I visited myself. I have ideas of places I want to go to visit myself but I have been trying to heal from my illness. Maybe if I made a date with myself then my healing would improve! Thank you for this 🙂 very needed at a time like this!

  11. Nathalie says:

    Thank you so very much Kris, i was going to delete it, but in some way i felt the need to read it…and lucky me that I did!
    I also recently visited a retreat, it really helped me, but i find it difficult to hold on to it.
    But it is a start and with finding your blog today I feel that i’m walking the right path for me.

    Thank you again and keep sending your love and happiness into the world!
    With love
    Nathalie

  12. Debbye says:

    Kris, I love you!
    I also love Tara, I listen to her podcast most nights before I drift into sweet sleep.
    Thank you for being you ❤

  13. Tina says:

    Thank you again for such truth. I needed to read this, it spoke to me today 🙂 your wisdom and wit is helping me to stay strong through my own journey. Loved the poem

  14. Kathleen says:

    Dig it!

  15. Alex says:

    Kris, You rock my world, girl! Don’t ever stop writing 🙂 Thanks for warming my heart today.

  16. l paul cade says:

    I thank you for the generousity in sharing your weekend event. I wish i could have been there but this is a great substitute and the thoughts are very timely for me. I love the way you put things (messy majesty) which means that in fact your retelling may be the best.

    paul

  17. Tony says:

    Thanks Kris,

    Your kindness is exceeded only by your crazy sexiness.

    Tony

  18. Victoria says:

    Thank you for this beautiful and inspiring blog! Actually, thank you for everything you write and share. You inspire me and comfort me on a weekly basis, but this week went deeper as it directly reflects my own personal journey at this moment. The journey of finding myself in the clearing.

    Heartfelt gratitude for your thoughts and conversation!

  19. Diani says:

    Loved it…..thanks as always you hit a nerve!

  20. Julie says:

    Great article Kris, thank you!

    • Susan says:

      Hi-
      I know this is going to sound incredibly shallow and un-Kris like but after a great vacation where I tried paddleboarding for the first time and loved it- wore bikinis with flare, and felt great- I came home and downloaded the family pictures and was HORRIFIED by how bad I look. The mind can truly by deceiving. I just can’t help but be depressed by the cellulite and extra pounds.
      Sorry for being so lame. The post helped.
      xo Susan

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