Kris Carr

Kris Carr

Blog Post

The First Step to Self-Acceptance: You Are Not Broken

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Hi Sweetheart,

You are not broken.

Isn’t that a relief? Yup, your soul doesn’t need to be fixed, nipped, tucked or squished into an acceptable template. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you feel like a square peg in a round hole, if you feel unworthy, neglected, banged up or lost in any way—this blog is for you. Welcome to unconditional self-acceptance.

Through my work I get to travel the globe giving lectures and speeches, signing books and meeting thousands of people every year. I treasure those experiences. They remind me that no matter what our history, we’re more similar than different.

We all want to feel peace, connection and love. We all want to heal. And we all can.

As I stand on stages awash in sparkly lights, I often find myself looking into a gentle ocean of searching eyes. Eager seekers trying to learn how to live a good, healthy life. Smiley people. Tall people. Old people. Young people. Sick people. Perky people. All types of interesting people. But sometimes my intuition sees a layer deeper. In those moments, I notice a (subtle) collective anxiety, a pulsing desperation to get it “right.”

Of course a gusto for growth is vitally important. We all benefit from educating ourselves and making lifestyle upgrades. But it’s tricky to make changes from a belief that we’re fundamentally flawed. When we force improvements from that negative space, it becomes impossible to stick with them.

The good news is that it’s possible to seek from a place of fullness rather than lack, excitement rather than fear.

To know that even though you may be confused about a particular topic, you’re not incapable. You’re not a project to be checked off and accomplished. Your deep capacity to heal and grow is always present. Always. You don’t need a book or a doctor or a shaman to guide you. You just need to know how to go home to yourself on a daily basis.

“Do you make regular visits to yourself?” -Rumi

Such a great question! Thanks, Rumi.

Recently, my mom and I made visits to ourselves by attending a three-day meditation workshop with best-selling author, Buddhist scholar and psychologist, Tara Brach. It was deeply replenishing for us both. As much as I love teaching, I also cherish my time as a student. The title of the workshop was “True Refuge: Three gateways to peace and freedom.” True Refuge is also the name of Tara’s most recent book, a must read. In between guided and silent meditations, mindful strolls and candid personal reveals, we discussed how to cultivate presence (or mindfulness) through the three gateways: awareness, truth and love. Why do we do this? To access that homey space inside ourselves, to visit the True Refuge.

Hold for a poetry break…

Clearing by Martha Postlewaite

Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worthy of rescue.

“Create a clearing in the dense forest of your life.”

Isn’t that delicious?

Tara read that poem to kick off the weekend. When I think of that clearing, I feel an invitation to come back to myself, to experience grace while releasing the thoughts that paralyze me.

That clearing is inside you.

How easy it is to forget when we get caught up in everyday stressors and old aches and pains. Presence (pause, awareness) is the last thing we think of cultivating throughout the day, especially when the going gets tough and the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Our society makes finding that inner space all the more challenging. Tara discussed how we live in a culture that encourages separation from ourselves and the world around us. Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re encouraged to fit into certain standards. “The best bikini bodies revealed!” or “10 things you need to do TODAY or your man will dump your ass!” Unfortunately, the only way to fit in is to whitewash our uniquely fabulous, kinky, quirky, wild essence or real self. Next we construct a fake (more snoring-ly appropriate) self in order to get the love and approval we seek. That kind of validation is built on a house of cards. And as I was reminded this weekend, the separation from our self (soul) only creates more suffering.

The more separation we feel, the harder it is to nestle into the genuine loving refuge inside ourselves. The True Refuge.

But finding your way to unconditional self-acceptance is easier than you think.

If I were to set my inner GPS to “home,” here’s how it would direct me:

  • Pause and prepare for some Spiritual Spelunking!
  • Set your intention to find your way back to yourself.
  • Grab a sturdy flashlight and allow whatever feelings to come up.
  • Notice without judgement (yeah, get off your own back!).
  • Have the courage and compassion to sit with any discomfort.
  • Connect with your heart. You may chat with yourself: “I’m here, it’s OK, I love you.”
  • Practice non-attachment—basically don’t identify or cling to your shizzle. And remember, it’s a thought, not a fact.
  • Woot! You made it.

If pesky, loud thoughts spring up during this practice, remember, it’s just brain blather. If your mind is like mine, it’s a raunchy parrot fluttering amok and crapping all over the place. Except I am not the parrot and neither are you. As we become more conscious of our true nature and as we develop a loving friendship with ourselves, we can slowly awaken from the illusion and realize that we’ve got the goods right here, right now, today, tomorrow and for all eternity. Being present and accepting ourselves in all our messy majesty is our greatest spiritual opportunity.

“Between the stimulus and response there is a space and in that space lie your power and freedom” -Viktor Frankl

So relax your body, release your “shoulds” and as Tara said, “stay close to what matters in your life.” Start to look for healthy, feel-good ways to truly be with yourself. And when self-judgement or attack shoot up, hold those negative thoughts with compassion and loving kindness. You might be surprised at how quickly they dissolve.

If you’re having a hard time with this, Tara suggested an awesome exercise. Identify a being that you see as enlightened. Invite them into your consciousness (I pictured Gandhi and me floating on rafts in my pool, beer cozies and all). Allow them to advise you. Ask yourself to just shhh and listen. And then, just wait for wisdom, comfort and bliss to wash over you.

Your turn: Do you struggle with self-acceptance? What tried-and-true techniques have you used to increase your self-love?

Peace and untangling,

Add a comment
  1. beth says:

    You so totally rock! This is an issue I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, so this post really spoke to me. Printed out the poem and checking out the book. Thanks!

  2. Jen says:

    Kris, YOU are changing the world. Thank you thank you thank you for each and every bit of light you send out to everyone in your posts!

    If everyone would listen to you and Michael Franti…we all would be alright!

    YOU make the world a better place.

    Love love….

  3. Jana says:

    Ohhhh this is seriously good stuff Kris! Love your blog and wise words. We are always trying to fix ourselves, it feels so freeing to accept ourselves as we are and work with that xx

  4. Amelia says:

    Beautifully said Kris, Thank you!
    May I suggest anyone looking for help with alignment, getting you life on your true path, I really, really recommend you look up Samantha Nolan-Smith at Dakini Grace. She is based in Australia but works with people all over the world too. She is AMAZING at helping you realise your true potential. http://www.samanthanolansmith.com/about-contact/

  5. Melanie says:

    Nice,
    You rock.
    Love your transparent and honest approach.
    Great wisdom
    Thank you.
    xx

  6. Taya says:

    Thank you so much. Words I needed to hear in a time of utter confusion.
    You are a beautiful woman and a gift to this world.
    Much love,
    Taya.

  7. Jacqualyn says:

    Oh man! “You are not broken.” Those are the exact words I needed to hear.

    Admittedly I probably tell the story of “I’m Broken” to myself almost every day. Which I am realizing is even more counter productive to healing than I thought.

    I was told once that to heal I must have hope. “But it’s tricky to make changes from a belief that we’re fundamentally flawed.” I understand now that without the hope and belief I can get better the healing will never come.

    I love the idea of hope and I understand how critical it is for my health, but it just eludes me somehow. It feels like grasping at smoke. It is so hard to believe and have hope when I’m in so much pain.

    I’m very cheery and optimistic with other aspects of my life but I can’t shake this feeling that my body is broken and there is no hope.

    Does anyone have suggestions on how to keep your spirits up?

  8. Melissa says:

    Thank you Kris! This was truly wonderful. You always post just the right message at just the right time. I’m never one to usually leave a comment, but I was so inspired to after reading this. You always have the sweetest message to your “tribe” to love ourselves, to take care of ourselves and to be kind to ourselves. These types of messages are so beautiful and extraordinary, it is my hope that these types of messages are relayed more and more on the planet and that the message gets louder and louder. Self-love and self-acceptance are two things that I am really striving for in this life, I think really so many of us are, and being able to read your beautiful messages to us really help me continue with my intention to love and accept myself more and more every day. I think you’re so beautiful, thank you so much for what you do.
    xo

  9. Lorig says:

    Thank you, Kris!!!
    I love it when you focus on and share your beautiful insight into the emotional aspects we need to live a full and happy life.
    I’ve been to a workshop of Tara’s too. She is so wonderful. Thank you, thank you sweetheart! xoxo Lorig

  10. kim says:

    wonderful. thank you.

  11. Heather says:

    Great blog post today. Somedays i feel like I’m the only one going through those feelings. Thank you thank you!!

  12. Subi says:

    Great article. I’m looking deeper into my forest clearing without the judgement of I am broken and not good enough.
    What is spelunking? It’s not a term I’m familiar with.
    Love & light xx

  13. I love you. Thank you for this sweet nourishing reminder x

  14. jean says:

    Chris: What a great article. I love your “language”, but, most of all, I find your message so relaxing, beautiful and peaceful. Full of goodness. Thanks! Jean

  15. Lisa says:

    Thank you, Kris!!! Just what I needed to hear RIGHT NOW! I’m making big changes in my life and am realizing that I all I need is to believe in myself and enjoy life! I was way too caught up in trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. This is a waste of time!

  16. Christine says:

    I have a habit of looking at people w knowledge to share (such as yourself) and assume that they no longer feel/think as I do. If I just do what they do, I’ll be “fixed.” I appreciate when people as yourself share their experiences not only as teacher but as student. It helps validate a sense within myself that I’m not alone. I have begun to realize it’s about me taking the knowledge and oiecing it together to find that path back to the silence within myself. So I can again listen to my own true inner beauty. Thank you!

  17. Cheryl says:

    Dear Chris,

    Thank you so much for the work that you do, I love reading your posts they are always insightful. I especially loved this one as it spoke to me in many ways as I transition through a very rough patch of my life. I am searching on so many levels for something that makes sense to me for “the right thing, job, person” to appear and all will have made sense. When I read “You don’t need a book or a doctor or a shaman to guide you, you just need to know how to go home to yourself an a daily basis”, I felt my shoulders relax and my heart feel at peace. Thank for the clearing I will go there often.

    Hugs
    Cheryl

  18. Kelli Schaber says:

    Thank you Kris. So inspiring and so right on time. I needed this today. Thank you.

  19. Dani says:

    You are like a true friend and (close) sister on a warm sunny day. Thank you for caring, passing on your resources, knowledge that you have learned, and inspiration in a way that is human, non-judge mental, and just plain ‘aromatherapy’. Thank you for just being yourself. xoxo <3

  20. Lynn says:

    This is a great blog, and should be read everyday. We get so caught up on our own thoughts of the drama of our lives and others we forget to set our inner GPS.

    I love your zest for life and your website, thanks for sharing yourself and your “foodie” ways.

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