Hiya Gorgeous,
As I type this I have bronchitis. A few weeks ago it was something else, a violent stomach flu. Sickness definitely slows our lives way down and sometimes that’s exactly what’s needed. We refuse to stop, so our bodies stop it for us. Thanks, bronchitis! Thanks, stomach flu!
Man, I must be really stubborn to need two back-to-back lessons—especially after the bug. It was like my personal Apocalypse Now. I’m sure you’ve been there. And by the way, why do they call it a “flu”? You know me, I gotta know these things…
After falling down a Google rabbit hole, I determined that I probably ate poop on a salad.
That sounds awful, I know, and I really hope you’re not eating a salad when you read this. If you are, I am very sorry. But those horrendous, toss-your-cookies-24/7 episodes often come from poor sanitary conditions at restaurants and well, I have been on a takeout jag. Why? You guessed it. I’ve been too busy to cook. I bet that sounds familiar too!
Anyway, I’ve been relatively healthy this year, so what gives? Well, clearly there are actual medical reasons, but that’s not what I want to explore today. I find it interesting that the two obligations I was dreading were set to take place during the weeks I got sick. Coincidence? Or was it my body saying “no”?
How often do you check in with your body before making a decision?
Can you actually imagine doing that? Checking in with your body (AKA your soul) to see what it needs?
It could go something like this: “Darling, how does that feel? Are you up for this? Would saying “yes” light you up or drain your tub?” If I had asked those questions and listened to the answers (fatigue, racing thoughts at bedtime) I would have said NO and I may have sidestepped the snot and gore. But, what fun it is to learn about ourselves.
Seriously, I do love these growth opportunities, they just keep coming!
But I have made new progress this year. Because I’ve slowed down to focus on my next book and to care for sweet Buddy, I’ve developed an even greater connection to my body. She no longer wants to move at an accelerated, hyper pace. She doesn’t want to “crush it” or jumbo size her plate so I can add more, more, more to the all-you-can-eat accomplishment buffet.
For an ambitious person like myself, this revelation can be a hard pill to swallow. It’s difficult when your body wants something different from your ego. My body is ferocious (and very sensitive). She will tank quickly if I make decisions that are out of alignment with my soul rhythm, and the older I get the more ornery (and gentle) she gets. I don’t really like speaking about my body as if she’s separate because obviously we are one. However, when my mind is going in one direction, and my body is going in another, it sure feels like we’re different. When that happens, I realize the consequences of behaving as if we’re separate.
Get a No Buddy
I love Facetime. Living on a dead-end street in the Catskills, Facetime is my favorite way to stay in touch with my friends—most of whom live in NYC or CT. So the other day, I was Skyping with one of my besties and I told him I got sick, yet again. Well, I love this friend because he has chronic medical issues too and he’s great at standing up for my body when I don’t.
Needless to say he gave me a spiritual tune-up and at the end of it we decided to become No Buddies. When invites and opportunities come our way, we run them by each other. If it’s a clear “yes” it’s obvious to both of us. If it’s a “no” but we’re on the fence due to scarcity mentality, guilt, or feeling left out, it becomes pretty apparent. At that point, we coach each other on the underlying emotions and it usually ends with a big ole “no”.
My body is very happy about my No Buddy.
Can we really be in optimal condition all the time?
Before I end this blog post I want to touch on another point. It’s OK to get sick. It isn’t always punishment or proof that we did something wrong. This is very important to understand. I’ve turned a corner when it comes to expecting peak health 24/7. Living with cancer has certainly helped me do that, and yet I’ve noticed that I have little tolerance for the smaller stuff (colds, aches, pains—the normal ebbs and flows of life).
Some seasons are strong, others are weak. Some days I’m creative, other days I’m stuck. Sometimes my marriage is solid, sometimes I want to live alone in an Airstream. That’s life. And maybe what life is continuing to tell us is that it’s all OK. The sunshine and the rain. The big bright breakthroughs and the dark nights of the soul. We can’t amputate our emotions and we can’t control our ups and downs. Fully accepting my complicated, miraculous instrument (AKA body) means leaving space for all of it. The highs, the lows, the wellness and the sickness, the stuckness, the flow. All of it.
Your Turn: Today, I’m your “No Buddy”. What’s your body saying no to? Is there something that’s going to throw you off balance that you can decline? Share in the comments and feel the weight fall off your shoulders.
Bonus: Your Crazy Sexy Love Notes Reading!
I also wanted to throw in this extra video goodie. Here’s what my Crazy Sexy Love Notes card deck told me when I asked for guidance during this period. Wouldn’t you know, I pulled the “Nourish Yourself” card! If you need this message too, press play to join me in my tree fort. And if you haven’t already, you can order your own copy of the deck from Amazon here!
Peace & nurturing “no’s,”
Good morning Kris!
Funny that you should be talking about the very thing that my body is craving and desperately needing. My body/heart/soul is screaming at me to slow down. I am unsure how to go about it. I am a nurturer at heart for everyone but myself. I am aware and trying to shift things but the process is slow and discouraging at times. So, I appreciate this post tremendously. I almost didn’t read it but something was tugging at me to open it. I am glad I did!
Sylvie
Thank you SO much for this article Kris. I can’t even tell you how much this resonated with me and gave me permission to say NO and not feel guilty about it. The part of your article about noticing when your body is saying no but your ego is saying yes is particularly eye-opening. I am an actor among several other hats I wear and have been offered several opportunities lately that just haven’t felt right, but felt guilty about not accepting them because people were reaching out to me to offer me something. Thank you for pointing out that this often comes from scarcity mentality and that’s all it is. I will be offered opportunities again. And I need to trust that it will be a better match for me AND the other party involved when I truly WANT to be a part of that person’s project. Thank you for reminding me of that and that it is okay to say no sometimes. So grateful for your blog and the wisdom you share.
I love what you shared about the power of trust. So true! xo, kc
This really touched me. Bridget and Sarah’s responses too. I think it’s important for us to examine why we say “yes” when we later realise that it wasn’t serving us at all but simply adding to our, likely, over-burdened days. It became clear to me only a few years ago (nearly 47 now) thanks to a stimulating conversation with an AA buddy – a light went on! The lack of love and constant rejection in my life since early childhood had developed an unconscious need for approval from my community, friends and family of my own making. So unnecessary as I already had/have it! I still slip up sometimes and take on a bit too much, but I have become a lot healthier since I learned to say “no, I can’t help you with that, but thanks for thinking of me” !
Interesting to see how many of us who are volunteer champions and maniacal do-ers are also cancer’s targets. “Just say No!” IS saying “YES!” Love to all and my thanks to you Kris for your work and encouragement.
Thank you for this article – what I most needed to hear was the paragraph about how it is OK to be sick! I always feel like a failure if I get sick because I try so hard to be so healthy. Peace and love – hope you are feeling 100% soon!
Carol, you have hit the nail on the head. I always tell myself “you’re pathetic” rather than saying “ok, dear body, what are you trying to tell me?” Xx
wow I am lying in bed recovering from hey nasty case of food poisoning where I wound up in the hospital last night for fluids, this blog could not have come at a better time. This case of food poisoning came after I went to a party and I was gluttonous. I even had that little voice in my head saying you’ve arrived at this party very late do you really want to eat that? But I ate it anyway and I am paying full price. thanks for this!
Thank you, thank you, thank you – absolutely loved this article and it’s just the wake up call I needed! I say YES just not to feel guilty, left out and told “I’m no fun”! Then when I say YES when I really meant NO my body gets into funk and just realized this is why! After going through chemo, radiation and surgery for an esophageal tumor and now being cancer free – I’m still getting my body back and it just has no tolerance for stress and drama, lol….I’m back to work only 2 months now and I see the difference each week – I get stronger but when I go against what I think is right for me – it’s not good – so Kris, thank you for the wake up call
xxxx
We moved, again, and my kids have to be at school at 7:45 am. For some reason waking up half an hour earlier is wiping my out for the whole day. Eventhough I’m sleeping earlier! Help!! I can’t seem to reset my time clock…
Hi Kriss
U rock!!
Thanks a mill for todays post. I hurt my shoulder a few months ago( frozen shoulder) . Not sure what I need to say no to.. Maybe as much as possible right now..
Anyhow, good to be reminded to nourish.. And saying no gives me that little bit more time and temperament to do so.. .
Xxx
I had frozen shoulder also Belinda, so painful. Hope yours is getting better little by little, that is what it took for me was a lot of physical therapy and time, and I still don’t have full range of motion back. But it is SO much better than it was this time last year when it first froze up. Wishing you health and no pain.
You must be my twin-soul-sister because I’m built pretty much the same! You spoke directly to my soul with this one! I’m posting this on my board 🙂 “all-you-can-eat accomplishment buffet” – HA!
Thank you Kris for your message. It was right on for me. This is a particularly busy time of the year for school families. Added to that, when I feel amazing, I just keep taking it all in only to find that I have become completely unbalanced and buried. Really appreciate the reminder to “go easy” on ourselves and the realization that a “no” is a gift because it is a “yes” to our personal wellness. Wishing you a speedy recovery. Recharge on!
Thank you for this, Kris. Just as your ailments came at the right time for you (well, maybe with the exception of that poop salad), your words in this post came at the right time for me. As a person who definitely used to say “no” too often because I avoided anything outside of the realm of my comfort zone, I’ve transitioned to a person who is always pushing myself to say “yes” as I now know that facing fears leads to positive personal change. However, somewhere along that “yes” path, I began to fear saying “no” because I thought it might be my old comfort-seeking self sneaking back in. Your post just reminded me of the importance of finding the balance and that it’s healthy to say “no” if the only thing driving the “yes” is guilt, irrational worry, accomplishment-collection, etc. Thank you for these nurturing words!
The mind and body disconnect? Oh, yeah! And then I feel so sorry (either mentally or physically) that I’ve pushed/hurt/mistreated my body. Am learning. Making changes. I hope you feel better soon! And by the way, I’m loving your CrazySexyLoveNotes. I pull one each week. This week’s: Be Present. Perfect! The Universe always knows! xo
Everything you said is true for everyone on some level. My main purpose in life is to show, by example. that optimal health is the norm and not the exception, at any age. Therefor, I am a bit set aback when I don’t feel fabulous. Like you I do address my body with gratitude, questions and even apologies. That is because I believe that, if my body has an issue, it is always something I put in it or on it, or some emotion in the present or unresolved from the past. Because I, nor anyone I know, does all the right things nutritionally all the time, I believe in some nutritional insurance. Until we have achieved full dominion over our thoughts and have learned to leave out of our head and heart what does not serve us well, I accept that a bit of food supplementing is a good option. And although I believe in that course, supplement options, like food options are not all the same. I think I have chosen wisely trusting in history, clinical proof and safety for my standards. You can check out my web site to see the route I have taken for that “insurance”.
I truly love all the joy you spread and, as you know, make sure you give yourself all the time you need to hold on to the “lions share” for yourself (excuse the non vegetarian analogy). Remember, the lion knows when to nap and when to hunt and I think they nap a lot!
Much love and positive thoughts.
Hi Chris,
I hope u r feeling better. I especially liked the comment that, “It is OK to be sick. We have not done anything wrong, nor, are we being punished.” Love you and keep on writing. Linda.
Dear Kris – I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and I want to thank you for sharing your experiences and encouragement to keep plugging away at it. I do not have the big “C” and I cannot imagine what you have been through, but I do have my own health nemesis. I have Psoriasis – the big “P”!
Psoriasis has been creeping its way into my life for the last 10 years or so. It started as a little patch at the nape of my neck that would itch like the dickin’s when I got stressed. It stayed this way for several years, through an abusive alcoholic husband, through the subsequent nasty as all-get-out divorce, and an emergency move from Tampa to Charleston that not only disrupted my life, but my business too.
At 48 years old, I started over—from scratch. I had zip, nada, nothing—and somewhere in there, the Psoriasis said, “Oh, sweetie – It ain’t over! Here I come to wreck the rest of what’s left of your miserable life!”
Psoriatic outbreaks began happening all over my body including a particularly stubborn type of Plantar Psoriasis that occurs on the soles of the feet and palms of the hands. Little blisters, hundreds, no thousands of them, began rearing their ugly heads on my hands and feet, and I literally could not walk. My doctors put me on Prednisone. I took it for months. It helped somewhat, but nothing has made it go away completely. Even heavy courses of Biologics like Enbrel and Humira have left me wanting of a “normal” life.
Nothing has made it completely go away. It was about this time, I started to look at other reasons, besides stress and DNA that might be contributing to my condition. Primarily, I looked at my diet. I looked at my business – my work. All of these things were contributory to my dis-ease.
I changed my diet – I am primarily Vegan, but do love a good piece of wild-caught Salmon. I am slowly feeling my body “feel” the better for it—but this was only part of the solution.
The biggest problem I had with my business was my inability to say “NO” to my clients. I could not say the word and ended up working with people I didn’t like, on projects that made me uncomfortable, and worst of all, putting myself in situations where I lost money or didn’t get paid at all. All of this strife and stress because I wanted to make everyone happy! And in the process, I was making myself miserable.
Here’s the ironic thing. I made a decision that I was no longer going to work for “friends”—because most of mine wanted me to help them for free! Hey – This is my business! It’s how I put food on the table and pay the electric bill—I HAVE to charge you – friend or not. I also decided to only take on projects that agreed with my moral code. So NO, I will not build your Penny Auction web site, so you can rip people off! I don’t care of I need $10,000 right now, working on your web site will make me feel like crap, and I’m done with that!
Here’s the thing, long ago I was told that beggars can’t be choosers. That I can’t “afford” to say no to people who want to use my design skills to market their business—after all, I have bills to pay.
Well, that’s a bunch of malarky!! I’ve been saying NO when my gut just doesn’t “feel” right, and guess what? I have more business now than I’ve had since I started my company in 1999. And I love ALL my clients and the work I do for them!
The Psoriasis is slowly, slowly….s-l-o-w-l-y getting better. I experienced a major breakout when I stopped the Prednisone, but that was to be expected. My life with new boyfriend is going well – He’s an angel and has taken care of me every time I needed him to. Although, life with a man does make you want to run away and live in an Airstream sometimes – I totally get that!!! I’ve even gone so far as to look at Airstreams on eBay! Then realize I can’t pull one with a Kia.
Your upbeat attitude and advice touches me—always at the precise moment I need it to—so thank you Kris! Thank you for being one of the influences that helps me with healing my body, my mind and my spirit!
So far this morning I have read two things that will impact me: removing negativity and learning how to say no… My angels are speaking to me today as they and I know what is good for my soul.. Thank you
Thank you so much for the blog on No Buddies! You are amazingly wise. I am so glad I found you. I have a beautiful son with heart disease and you have helped our family change for the better and ensure my son has optimal health. I wish you peace and rest and big big love ♡
Hope you feel better soon, Kris!!!
just talked to people about how our bodies take a break when we won’t.
We live in a crazy go-go world. I’ve learned (but to need to remind myself) to just say No sometimes.
My favorite things to take a break are listening to music, dancing, meditating, writing, and basically slowing down. Curl up with Buddy, relax, pamper (you deserve it!) and take good care of your crazy sexy self!
Feel good, Be well- Michelle
And then there are those times when the soul says “maybe,” as when I had my child 12 years ago. There was no woo-hoo, yes, yes, yes! going on there at the time in a marriage that included DV, but the yes’s outvoted the no’s. Interestingly, though, I did get sick often and wished aloud that maybe if I got cancer, everyone would leave me alone, and then I did, but then they didn’t! What a bumpy but ultimately enlightening ride that was!
I was JUST reading something about being careful to wash all raw fruits/veggies for smoothies because of not only pesticides but pathogens , which seems obvious to me, but the thorough washing of the ingredients in a takeout salad is obviously beyond your control!
The “No Buddies” is brilliant! I might have to find one of my own! I just said yes to a commitment mostly out of guilt, which will take just 1 hour of one of my days off this coming summer. The yes in it will be sharing that hour with my son in a church activity, but I’m hearing a big “no” about even giving an hour, and the motivation, beyond learning more about gardening and getting my son away from the video games, is not yet making an annual pledge. Ooops, forgot about those pesky pledges when I joined last fall!
Ever since I starting taking a potent algae supplement 5-6 times a day, I haven’t had a cold in just over 2 years, and I could relate to having little tolerance for colds and aches and pains. I was also nodding in recognition of a body that doesn’t want to super-charge into the day-to-day, doesn’t want to run that rat race! At 53 with a 12yo, I say no A LOT. I also work out on a rebounder – thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to that years ago on your site, Kim! — and I don’t go at that adrenal-sapping pace that I used to. I don’t work the 40 hours at a desk job that my ex has imputed me to either – I give up the $200 or so a week in exchange for part-time at home and have chosen, for example, not to have cable TV or a smartphone or a newer car. Although I haven’t mastered the art of saying no completely, I say it pretty often nowadays and am much healthier for it.
I loved your post today and hope you feel better soon, Kim! <3 and light, T
thanks for reminding me to nourish myself.. be well