Hi Sweet Friend,
But what if you can’t forgive?
I wanted to kick off this blog by extolling the virtues of forgiveness. Every faith agrees that forgiveness is the seat of liberation. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, rather than stuck in the past. However, try as I might, I just can’t muster up the energy to write a big soaring blog on something I’m still having trouble with.
The truth is, sometimes forgiveness feels impossible.
Have you been there? Are you there now? Is there someone in your life that no matter how hard you try, how many books you read, how many lectures or workshops you attend, you still can’t forgive? Are you tough on yourself for that? Me too.
Today I want to talk about what we can do if we’re not quite ready or able to let go. And I’m really interested in your thoughts too. Because there’s nothing worse than feeling stuck.
Forgiveness doesn’t only resolve our past, it alleviates our fear of the future.
When we hold onto thoughts, memories or traumas, we’re unconsciously attempting to protect ourselves from experiencing that pain again. It can be a complicated process that takes time (not a prescription pill you pop to make it all better).
As someone who’s lived with chronic disease for almost 2 decades, I’ve learned that sometimes there are no short cuts. Forgiveness takes a similar kind of loving patience and ability to accept where we are right now. All healing happens in the right season. It can’t be rushed. Please don’t yell at your kale.
So for me, the first step is to stop forcing and judging. The more I judge myself the more negative, fear-based energy I bring to the situation. This leads to compulsively vomiting that awful word “should”, which only increases my inability to let the darn thing go. “You should be over this by now. You should forgive. You’re a Hay House author for Godsake, a supposed model spiritual citizen, if you can’t forgive you certainly have no business in the business of self-help. Give back your book deal, roll up your blog, join the Hells Angels–you’re done sister.”
And on and on. Sound familiar? (Hopefully not as dramatic.)
It’s pretty obvious that this kind of thinking gets us nowhere. In fact, it only dials up our dislike (or hatred) for the person we’re having a hard time forgiving! Because if they didn’t do such and such then we wouldn’t feel like such a bad person for not forgiving! It’s sorta funny really.
Release the pressure. It’s okay to press pause on problem solving before making your next move. We tend to focus on action and results, but sometimes there’s a gap between the place we really are and the place we want to be.
Here’s a baby step that helps narrow that gap: Forgive yourself for not forgiving.
Forgive yourself for not being ready—yet. Send compassion to yourself—first. Send love to the place that is so hurt it keeps you from taking one step forward. Sit quietly. Think of the pain you’re feeling. Breathe. Put your hand on your heart and silently say “It’s OK. I love you and I forgive you for being angry, sad, stuck, etc.”. Use whatever words bring you peace. Every time I do this it releases blocked energy. And I do it a lot. I do it whenever I start to judge or attack myself in any way.
This also works if you’re the person who needs to be forgiven, but you haven’t been, or perhaps never will be.
It’s not about condoning poor behavior, it’s about thawing the parts of us that stay frozen in old pain and patterns. While I can’t go back in a time machine or control what other people think, I can be gentle and forgive myself for not having the tools in the past that I have now. I can make space for healing, whether that person thinks I deserve it or not.
In some cases, I absolutely wish I could have done things differently. I may not ever have the chance to be forgiven and that might hurt my heart. But luckily, that’s not the end of the story.
When we start from a place of loving ourselves, no matter what, our next step will always be the best one we could have chosen. And that’s enough.
Your turn: What baby steps do you take to forgive?
Peace & pauses,
Hi Kris, I can’t thank you enough for responding to a question that I
Kris look to your fur babies and how they soooo unconditionally love and forgive us. Can we do even half of that for ourselves and them and others?
Hi everybody!
I don’t speak english very well, so probably my words will be very simple. But when i cannot forgive, i pray the God to help me do that. If i even do not feel a real and honest intention to forgive, i ask to give me it first. Once i was asking God help me for more then half a year, almost every day. And finally i took part in a seminar, during which i found enough power to feel more compassion, then anger to that person. And i felt so free and loving, all the world around was shining for me 🙂 so i’m asking for the Universe help, if cannot do it myself. And yes, i forgive myself if i cannot do it fast 🙂
Once again great advice… 🙂
You’re awesome Kris!!!
My intention is to be as healthy as I can be to give love onto others
Kris, thank you for this posting. I can never explain how much I needed to hear this and allow myself to take baby steps. I received word tonight that someone who hurt me deeply is being released and may soon be back in my family and I am struggling with the act of forgiveness. I need to start from the place of loving myself…thank you so much for that permission! xoxo
Dear Kris Carr – I love reading your emails – you are such an inspiration.
Your suggestion of not having too many monstrous goals or momentous milestones and to
try and concentrate on ‘ease and flow’ (using ease to transform people and situations) – was awe inspiring and has made a real difference to my thinking/life this year …. ‘Ease and flow’ have become my mantra, when things are tough – and the results are amazing – it really works! Because you have given me this gift, I feel compelled to give you something back in return – I would urge to read just 3 pages of a book (you may decide to read it all – it’s certainly worth a read – but there are 3 pages which, I think you may find really useful and helpful). The book is called ‘Toxic Parents’ by Susan Forward, Phd and the pages are 179, 180 and 181. It’s ‘food for though’. You will understand why I’m writing this when you read those pages – with an open heart and mind. Thank you for all that you give. xxx
We are forgiven in Christ. He bore the sins of the world so that all would be forgiven, and we are called to forgive each other. That doesn’t mean we forget what offense has been done against us, but we forgive & go on.
My sister and I, who were always close, are not speaking to each other and have not for nearly 2 years now. I made so many attempts to ask for forgiveness, even though I didn’t feel I did anything wrong. But no matter how much I tried, she closed me out. She has written me off as a person in her life. I have a missing gap in my life now where she used to be. It feels like a sore spot, and it isn’t getting better. I do beat myself up about it. I feel like I didn’t try enough or something. But I like the comment to stop blaming myself. To let time do it’s healing. Healing of my heart even if healing between us never takes place. Thanks for this blog. It is helpful to me at this time.
Hi,
Love your blog and work, please do a piece on the Ketogenic Diet – it’s very potent and everyone should now about it and it starves cancer. All I do is this diet and take Raintree N-Tense http://www.raintreeformulas.com/n-tense-capsules
These two natural therapies along with a green and alkaline diet has totally thwarted my cancer and I feel healthy, your crazy sexy stuff has inspired me too.
Thanks,
Amanda
When I have trouble with forgiveness, I first remember that I too have been forgiven by my heavenly Father, so how can I not forgive also? I also remind myself that forgiving them is not the same as saying what they did was ok. I’ve learned that every person I fail to forgive is a rock that I carry around in a bag around my neck and each rock added drags me down more and more. Finally, unforgiveness keeps us in bondage to that person. If I still struggle then I ask God to fill my heart with HIS mercy and forgiveness toward that person and I pray for that person. This all applies to self as well. 🙂
Thank you! I am a new student of ACIM and am having a bit of trouble with love and forgiveness lately. Often times I find myself frustrated with the negative thoughts that flow through my head. It is great advice to forgive myself first and then move on to the individual that I am having problems with.
Long time ago I thought that forgiveness is a feeling deep down inside me, that the situation might not be fixed, because it cannot be fixed, but I can let go. As Martin Luther King Jr. said “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.”
I never know exactly how this process in my mind and heart works, but what helps is to say it to myself aloud. While somewhere alone with my thoughts, I imagine the person and say “I forgive you”. I’m a hesitant type, so lots of things take me a long time to think through. I now think of forgiveness as a decision rather than a feeling. The decision to go on with the relationship, because it means to me.
I found doing regular ‘loving kindness’ meditations and visualising me sending this person love helped (I hated having to think loving thoughts about this person who hurt me) BUT I also knew that this loving kindness was ultimately so I could heal and move on with my life.
Thinking horrible things about this person didn’t hurt them…it only hurt me…and eventually I knew I would become unwell physically and mentally if I clung on to the past.
If I find myself wishing horrible things for this person again…I remember to send them love and to try and remember that they suffer too, as we all do.
Hope this helps xx
For myself what has helped is seeing what I’m holding onto; for example, an attachment to feeling righteous, or a victim. The ego can get a kick out of feeling superior through believing that it’s been wronged.
Also, seeing that there’s nothing to be forgiven. Everyone simply is, and always has been, operating at the level of their consciousness. Until I or they know better, it’s impossible for us to behave in wiser ways. With regard to my past poor choices, it was impossible for me to have made a better choice because I didn’t have the awareness to do so. The same goes for others. Really taking that in is liberating – it allows everyone to be as they are (and allows me to make wiser, calmer choices, rather than behave reactively or passively.)
Sometimes letting go of the story of being wronged, or being wrong, feels more relevant than forgiving or not forgiving. Am I ready to let go of my story of complaint? If not, what am I getting out of holding onto it? The past was what it was and I have the opportunity to learn what I can from it or battle with it… endlessly. If it’s a case of feeling wronged, seeing how I contributed to the situation also helps (sometimes my contribution was behaving too passively, or believing that others shouldn’t think or feel how they do).
Letting go also seems to withdraw energy from the whole issue I was stuck on, whatever it was, and things start to shift once I’m not “pulling” on that person internally/energetically.
And yes, compassion for the bits of us that keep holding on – they’re okay to, but I don’t need to give them a heap of energy, just see them clearly, and see the confusion in them. They’ll let go too when they’re seen to be based on a misunderstanding/misperception.
Thanks for your honesty and authenticity – they’re (one of the reasons) why you’re a successful self-help speaker and writer.
I think it so super important to realize that forgiveness is not about absolution. Many people can’t forgive because they feel like they are letting the person off the hook for something deplorable-absolving them of wrong doing. But in truth forgiveness is about ourselves. Allowing us to let go of OUR OWN feelings and does not mean that the other person is right or hasn’t done anything wrong, but rather we are no longer going to let negative feelings destoy our being. Absolution is about the other person and is ENTIRELY up to them. Absolution requires making amends with people they’ve wronged, knowing it may not come, and making amends anyway. Forgiveness is about taking care of ourselves. It requires nothing more than letting go. If you can find the difference, forgiveness becomes easier.
This makes so much sense to me, thank you so much for sharing it!
Hi Kris,
I’m a big fan of yours but have never posted before. I just had to after this post. Hats off and big heartfelt hugs for writing such an honest, inspiring and helpful post. Goodness sakes, people like you give me such hope for this world. With much love, Janet
Kris, You are so inspirational. This is exactly what I needed today. Its been a rough two months for me and this helped reinforce the idea that I need to start with accepting and forgiving myself. Cheers, Natalie
Thank you so much for this article. I needed so badly. Self talk and meditation are the coping skills I use when I am working through forgiveness. Your article was beautifully written, as usual. Thank you.
Hello Kris, I spent almost 30 years holding on to anger against my mother. Near the end of that period I made an effort to resolve the issues and ended up ignoring them when I thought I was accepting them. I found a wonderful counsellor who directed me to a book that I think (forgive my memory) was called Forgiving or Dealing with your Parents. I took one of the suggestions which was to write a letter expressing how what happened had affected me and how I felt about it now.
The biggest thing I learned was that no matter what reasons she had for doing what she did it would not make a difference to how I felt. So I read it to my mother and told her I was through trying to make it right. It was tough but I came away feeling peaceful and satisfied.
Although I don’t really know still if I have forgiven her, I have let it go.
V