Hi Sweet Friend,
But what if you can’t forgive?
I wanted to kick off this blog by extolling the virtues of forgiveness. Every faith agrees that forgiveness is the seat of liberation. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, rather than stuck in the past. However, try as I might, I just can’t muster up the energy to write a big soaring blog on something I’m still having trouble with.
The truth is, sometimes forgiveness feels impossible.
Have you been there? Are you there now? Is there someone in your life that no matter how hard you try, how many books you read, how many lectures or workshops you attend, you still can’t forgive? Are you tough on yourself for that? Me too.
Today I want to talk about what we can do if we’re not quite ready or able to let go. And I’m really interested in your thoughts too. Because there’s nothing worse than feeling stuck.
Forgiveness doesn’t only resolve our past, it alleviates our fear of the future.
When we hold onto thoughts, memories or traumas, we’re unconsciously attempting to protect ourselves from experiencing that pain again. It can be a complicated process that takes time (not a prescription pill you pop to make it all better).
As someone who’s lived with chronic disease for almost 2 decades, I’ve learned that sometimes there are no short cuts. Forgiveness takes a similar kind of loving patience and ability to accept where we are right now. All healing happens in the right season. It can’t be rushed. Please don’t yell at your kale.
So for me, the first step is to stop forcing and judging. The more I judge myself the more negative, fear-based energy I bring to the situation. This leads to compulsively vomiting that awful word “should”, which only increases my inability to let the darn thing go. “You should be over this by now. You should forgive. You’re a Hay House author for Godsake, a supposed model spiritual citizen, if you can’t forgive you certainly have no business in the business of self-help. Give back your book deal, roll up your blog, join the Hells Angels–you’re done sister.”
And on and on. Sound familiar? (Hopefully not as dramatic.)
It’s pretty obvious that this kind of thinking gets us nowhere. In fact, it only dials up our dislike (or hatred) for the person we’re having a hard time forgiving! Because if they didn’t do such and such then we wouldn’t feel like such a bad person for not forgiving! It’s sorta funny really.
Release the pressure. It’s okay to press pause on problem solving before making your next move. We tend to focus on action and results, but sometimes there’s a gap between the place we really are and the place we want to be.
Here’s a baby step that helps narrow that gap: Forgive yourself for not forgiving.
Forgive yourself for not being ready—yet. Send compassion to yourself—first. Send love to the place that is so hurt it keeps you from taking one step forward. Sit quietly. Think of the pain you’re feeling. Breathe. Put your hand on your heart and silently say “It’s OK. I love you and I forgive you for being angry, sad, stuck, etc.”. Use whatever words bring you peace. Every time I do this it releases blocked energy. And I do it a lot. I do it whenever I start to judge or attack myself in any way.
This also works if you’re the person who needs to be forgiven, but you haven’t been, or perhaps never will be.
It’s not about condoning poor behavior, it’s about thawing the parts of us that stay frozen in old pain and patterns. While I can’t go back in a time machine or control what other people think, I can be gentle and forgive myself for not having the tools in the past that I have now. I can make space for healing, whether that person thinks I deserve it or not.
In some cases, I absolutely wish I could have done things differently. I may not ever have the chance to be forgiven and that might hurt my heart. But luckily, that’s not the end of the story.
When we start from a place of loving ourselves, no matter what, our next step will always be the best one we could have chosen. And that’s enough.
Your turn: What baby steps do you take to forgive?
Peace & pauses,
Hey Sweet Friend,
I think some times people hurt us in ways that make it hard to forgive. Different situations seem to bring out our more defensive side. If someone harms my work or attacks my family I have a hard time understanding that the issues are about them. Years ago before Deepak became Deepak he sent out tapes to church groups. In one of the tapes he said forgiveness is essential for your soul to grow, however here is what you should understand : people only say cruel things to you or act out for one reason they see their issues in everyone because they are very unhappy . So basically everything they said or did was not about you buy about who they are, it’s projection. So if you try and remember that it is easier to say okay this is their load to carry and put it down. It makes forgiveness easier. At other times action out of someone’s control hurt you and again if you have a relationship and know that person for years you know their intent. So if a decision is made for them you see it hurts you both. Lovingly trying to understand someone else and not getting stuck in our ego helps us forgive. At Basic Missions I have one complaint on the net after helping thousands and it irritates the stew out of me because he was a scam artist. But what are you gonna do. Sue the sight, tell and kick and scream. He is a con artist do all he can say about others is what he sees in himself. So I have to forgive him sometimes daily and move on.
Hugs
Callie
Thank you Kris your honesty makes me feel like I can share my story in hopes that maybe it can help someone too…One family intervention later and realizing after two years that I was NOT the girlfriend but actually had been the other woman the entire time. I was not in a good place at all. I mean this man was text book sociopath and mentally abusive. I really beat myself up because I always considered myself a strong woman and NEVER thought I would allow myself to be with a person like that. It was very bad… Being a singer and songwriter I turned to my craft in search of any kind of solace. While writeing one day a thought came to me that really helped me through everything and allowed me to be more gentle with myself. “Maybe it’s not a huge significant event when we let go but rather a process to which one day we realize that we are free.” I had that thought before I was anywhere close to being free but today I can honestly say I’m not afraid to let love in again.
That is really beautiful and wise! Virtues that I see in many creative people. Love, love, love. <3
Thank you Kris for today’s blog post. I really needed to hear that today.
Hi Kris – love, love, love your blog! BTW – I’ve noticed that my hubby is so quick to forgive stuff… is that a dude thing? Anyway, my forgiveness trick when I’m really ticked off: I say to myself “I’m forgiving (insert assailant’s name here) as a gift to myself – recognizing that forgiveness does not justify the offense… but what forgiveness does do is take me out of a mental anger prison of high blood pressure and seeing red.” Then I take a gigantic cleansing breath, and hope that karma will naturally perform justice on whatever offense it was. Hmmm… easier said than done, I guess – but it does tend to work for me with the little things. Thanks again, Kris – I’m so grateful for you and all your books, etc. You do a good job!
Oh, and BTW – I heard a great quote today, “holding grudges is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.” That’s a good one, huh?
Kris, what a compelling blog. I agree that forgiveness starts with you. I also believe the very first step is recognizing you love your self so much that you no longer want to live in pain. “I love myself so much, I am releasing myself from the pain of my past.” And you are very right that forgiveness is a process and is really a way of life. I moved in with my ex-husband in 2012 to care for him as he died of cancer. I initially moved in so my children could spend time with him; however, I received the greatest gift…I learned to forgive him. It was an difficult and amazing journey which has made me stronger and allowed happiness to bloom in my heart. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. Forgiveness is a powerful tool.
Great story, thanks so much for sharing! Also awesome that you modeled forgiveness for your children…they will always remember this. You rock! <3
My goodness! You wrote this for me today! My husband is graduating law school in a few weeks, and what should be a time of celebration and we made it! has turned into the ultimate quagmire of family drama. One that particularly hit hard happened this very morning… about 2 minutes before this article slammed with light shattering force into my inbox.
Thank you!
I have a mother in law who will pertly answer my emails but ignore my and my husband’s phone calls and invitations to do anything together because she is mad at us for not having Thanksgiving with her. I have a grandmother who is mad at me and won’t tell me why.
I accepted that I can’t make these two people – as much as I want to – like me. I am such a people pleaser that this step has been really hard. But just as I’ve accepted that, I’m thrown into a situation – graduation – that I’m going to have to deal with them.
And I’m going to say, on this day that my husband and I have been working towards for 10 years, I want things to be pleasant and drama free. But maybe that’s too tall an order to call for?
I’m so frustrated! But I’m going to own that frustration. I’m going to sit with it. And then I’m going to forgive myself. And we’ll see where that leaves me.
Thank you thank you thank you!
I am a law school graduate, so I understand the importance of this time. One thing I have learned is that whenever I am in “conflict” with someone, even if I had no role in the conflict and their actions caused the conflict, I will remove all energies from that tension and make a list of what I am grateful that they have done for me or what I like about them. That typically dissolves the conflict. It may be temporary (until something else may/may not come up), but at least that is a start and at least it will help you have a more celebratory atmosphere.
Thanks, Dionne!
Agree.. But not without God and prayer
I let go of the need to control the mending of a broken relationship by realizing that I was not meant to carry the burden of the one who wronged me, nor should I expect her to fill my need for discussion and reconciliation. I have forgiven her from a distance (in my heart) and let the rest go out to the Universe. If we’re meant to mend, it will happen in it’s own time….or not. I’ve finally made peace with the ‘or not’ …although I still recognize the loss.
Today I will check in with myself before reacting so that I respond instead, from a present place… Not from past hurts and disappointments or future fears.
Sometimes I have felt that the hardest step in forgiveness is getting past the need to understand WHY someone acted the way they did. Why did they hurt me… why did they stop caring.. why did they commit such a horrible act… These thoughts are circular and leave me feeling exhausted and hurt all over again. I suppose there is a stop somewhere on the “forgiveness path” where you dump out the need to answer the “whys”, it’s just so hard to get there. Thank you for sharing. Forgiveness feels like the hardest emotional journey one can go on. It’s nice to know there are others going through it and facing as much difficulty!
I find it difficult to forgive the person who is not forgiving. For example, my sister has a long standing belief that all of her siblings, especially her sisters, have hurt her in some way. Called her names as a child or were to blame when a boy favored someone over her. She lumped everyone in the room with the comment if there was something hurtful said. More often than not, I was the odd one out. I didn’t get to play with my older siblings, yet she acts as if I left her out in some way. This comes up every Sunday, every phone call or conversation, in some way shape or manner. She just doesn’t seem to be able to move past the age of 12 emotionally with us. Even though I’ve said loving and reaffirming things to her and apologized for any perceived wrong doing, she continues on her rampage. Taking no prisoners, finding fault with every question regarding care we are giving to my mom. Its as if she wants to be able to say that she did it all, without realizing how much everyone else is doing. We find out about things after the fact and there is really no consultation. She patronizes when anyone questions something. She tries to find allies and pit us against one another. I am so frustrated that I’m almost beyond caring at this point… but I need to remain engaged for my mom’s sake. What advice do you have when forgiving is a non-stop process because she continues to bash us, with each new offense I’m set off on the same journey to forgive. In the meantime, every encounter she makes in any circle she shares her discontent. Any advice on dealing with sibling rivalry at age 50 would be great.
Hi Rebecca, I feel your pain. I’m also in a situation (with my father) where at once I’m trying to forgive, while at the same time, he continues behaving in the very same same hurtful, cruel, selfish manner in which I’m trying to forgive him for. That’s where my confusion comes in – are you supposed to forgive someone who isn’t sorry? Or who continues to hurt you? In my case, I moved across the country to take care of my dad when he was diagnosed with incurable stage 4 lung cancer last summer. I want to be here for him, but I also really want to leave soon because I feel my own well-being is at stake. Does anyone have advice for this type of situation? Thank you. xo
Whew, I had that one too. I can tell you that I was there because of my mom so she wouldn’t have to deal with it by herself. I also had help from siblings. Without going into the gory details he was verbally abusive and unrelentingly criticizing. But the more dependent he became the more appreciative he became. I really felt pity and love for him in the end. One of the kindest things he ever said to me was at the hospital just two days before he died he said “it was a good day.” That was enough approval for me. I also take solace simply in the Lord, that I’m doing his work. Sometimes I have to separate myself from the equation. It might appear to some that I am giving in, or being weak in not defending myself, but I feel so much power in not giving in to the criticism or the negativity. I try to impart some humor if I can, the kind that doesn’t degrade a person. No really I like a handful of crap, thank you. No please dump your food on the floor the floor is hungry. Just stupid stuff to cope with stupid stuff. God bless you.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to be in that person’s life or they in yours if they continue to be abusive to you in ANY way. You can forgive (if you want to) and allow that this person, no matter who they are, is toxic for you and doesn’t work in your life if you want to be happy etc. Sometimes forgiveness is over rated anyway…………..
I have learned that sometimes it takes more than once to be able to forgive… I have forgiven my ex husband about 10 times now for the abuse he put me through, each time I forgive the pain of it all get less and less
Dear Kris,
I wanted to share with you a wonderful, life-changing book I just read about forgiveness that completely blew me away. This book, although short, is powerful and gave me a wonderful new tool for working on forgiveness. It is “The Gift of Forgiveness: A Magical Encounter with don Miguel Ruiz” by Olivier Clerc (http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Forgiveness-Magical-Encounter/dp/1844091902)
I hope this resonates with you also. Blessings!
Risa
Thank you, Risa, I am going to order it 😉
Loved your piece, Kris! I just did an article on Forgive at 3……and came up with 176
Hope you all enjoy:
Three PM Alarm by: Tina K. VaLant
I patiently await a friend at a coffee shop in Palm Beach Gardens. It’s almost 3 pm. As patrons buzz in and out, I eavesdrop on creative beverage requests. My friend appears, orders and we begin catching up. At the table next to us, a guy’s phone alarm goes off; same for a lady in line, ordering a vanilla soy latte. The man sits back and closes his eyes. Latte-lady grabs her steamy beverage, heads to the door and quiets herself at a table out front. That’s kind of odd, I mention to my friend.
About a week later, I’m at a traffic light, in Boca. It’s sunny with a crisp breeze, so my windows are down. An attractive lady in a blue Honda next to me picks up her phone, to silence the alarm. It’s 3 pm. She motions, asking if she can pull in front of me. I let her in my lane. She pulls in to a parking lot, at the bank where I’m headed. She turns her car off and closes her eyes. Probably just a weird coincidence, I rationalize.
Days later, I’m at a park, in West Palm Beach. A young mother with a cute toddler in a stroller sits on a bench nearby. She closes her eyes, breathes, and smiles as she picks up her vibrating phone. It’s 3 pm. Had I not been on such a tight schedule, I would have asked her about it.
I had almost forgotten about the 3pm phenomenon; then while perusing produce at the grocery store, I hear an alarm chime. You guessed—it’s 3 pm. The couple left their cart and went outside. I’ll Google it tonight, I tell myself.
The following weekend, in Boca Raton, I was enjoying a yoga retreat, presented by Wendi Blum and Leslie Glickstein. I was about to experience an unexpected bonus. In between Saturday’s speakers and yoga practice, Wendi pulled the curtain, and unveiled the 3pm mystery.
“Years ago, I was listening to Marianne Williamson, on XM Radio. It was 3 pm, she was addressing forgiveness. I got to thinking of the heavy burden we carry by harboring resentment or the feelings associated when others may have treated us badly. It could be as recent as the person who just cut off in traffic, or as far back as the hurt we carry from our childhood. If I could devote a few moments every day to forgiveness, not just of others, but also of myself, it might lighten the load. I did this for the next 365 days. I found that by being mindful and releasing anger, hurt, resentment, I allowed a space to open for even better things to enter my life. It’s very easy to set your mobile device for a daily alarm. Three o’clock made perfect sense”. I shared this practice within my yoga teacher training at Yoga Journey Studio, in Boca. This group decided to duplicate the daily 3pm ritual, and share it within their own classes. It had a domino-effect and continues to grow”. Wendi Blum
Often, as Wendi is addressing a group as a strategy-coach or during presentation she is giving, not only does her alarm sound at 3pm, but it is joined by others. That makes her smile, as she estimates a couple thousand people now share this practice. It continues to grow by word of mouth, social media, and a dedicated website.
Forgiving is powerful:
The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world. Marianne Williamson
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi
When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future. Bernard Meltzer
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. Marianne Williamson
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Suzanne Somers
Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness, or else forgiving another. Jean Paul
All major religious traditions carry basically the same message (love, compassion and forgiveness). The important thing is to make them part of our daily lives. Dalai Lama
“The goal with this movement is to achieve peace on Earth, by forgiving others and forgiving ourselves. Peace begins within each of us,” stated Blum. If this resonates with you, adapt this routine to your daily life, and notice what happens. It will change your life. Dependant upon the level of emotion surrounding your feelings (ie: anger, sadness, disappointment) it could take days, months, a year or more to reach a place of acceptance. But know when this happens, miracles will follow. It all begins with forgiveness”.
I set my mobile phone feel was unfair, or even ourselves. It got me to thinking how 143 translates to I Love You (one letter, four letters, three letters). Not only is 176 an angelic number” according to Wikipedia – I translate it to I Forgive Myself, or I Forgive Others. It’s nice to take a mindful moment and focus on forgiving. It could be of someone who has wronged us, a situation we wished to have behaved better. So the next time you’re out and you hear an alarm at 3pm, know that you are a part of a powerful movement toward peace within and surrounding you!
You are invited to visit and share your forgiveness story at www. 4giveat3 .com or on FaceBook at 4giveat3.
Kris, What a lovely hand you offered to me today with this writing! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Don’t ever roll up the blog honey!!
Hi Kris,
I LOVE your blogs! This one in particular resonates with a lot of what I’ve been thinking about recently. Today, under the pretext of sitting in the warm Spring sunshine on a recliner chair, I’ve been turning over over my mind what everything’s all about. Whew!
How can people forgive their child’s abuser or murderer? How can I forgive the man who sexually abused me when I was barely a toddler? What state of mind and emotion are people in when they commit acts in gross violation of other people’s rights? As you say, it’s not about condoning bad behaviour; and to back it up with a bit of self-flagellation you say, “In some cases, I absolutely wish I could have done things differently.” What is it about then? What is our existence about? What is the universe here for? After all, there’s no logical reason at the purely material level for something to have come out of absolute nothingness, or to have just existed for without any beginning.
A few months ago I signed up to learn how to become a Tony Robbins clone. This afternoon (in the UK) I was meditating on forgiveness, compassion and gratitude. Yes, forgiveness is just a warm-up for compassion; but compassion is a warm-up for total acceptance, which goes hand in hand with deep gratitude for all that has been. This includes not only gratitude for our own learning experiences in the form of other people’s “bad behaviour” towards us, but also gratitude for the learning experiences we’ve meted out to others, consciously or otherwise!
My understanding based on the Tony Robbins model is that there are six basic human needs, four of which are essential to our survival. The four are Certainty, Uncertainty (excitement/adventure/new experiences), Significance and Connection. Without these four we cannot remain alive: we must meet these needs either positively or negatively, otherwise the alternative is physical death. I received a new depth of understanding during my reflections today, by asking myself, “How is a mass murderer or a serial rapist satisfying those needs, and which needs are being satisfied by what? What about the murderer who kills first, then commits suicide?” Appreciating such people’s aching longing for significance and connection, I realised that our possibly most important aim should be to connect with our own self first by feeling gratitude for everything we’ve done, for all our “mistakes”, for all our offences against others. All of those things we would really prefer not to have done, have been essential components of who we’ve become today. To wish them undone is to wish ourselves incomplete – less whole than the selves we now are.
You are truly magnificent, Kris, in every way. The wisdom you radiate is wisdom gained from ALL your acts and experiences. Be glad of them all! Be grateful for them all! Know your own perfection!
You are so right that forgiveness is a process. At the end of my cancer treatment a little more than three years ago, my oncologist violated my privacy/confidentiality in a big way; it was also an attempt to override my autonomy, my right to make my decisions for myself and a frank lack of respect for me as an intelligent woman. I have never felt so violated and angry in my life! I have struggled with forgiveness; I believe it’s necessary for me to move on in my healing journey. I believe I have moved past wanting to tell anybody who will listen what awful thing happened to me. But there still come up situations where I need to explain to a new health care provider, etc., why I don’t have an oncologist on my team anymore. Therefore one of my struggles is “How will I know when I’ve forgiven him?” Someone wisely counseled me that I will know I have forgiven when I give up my desire to hurt him (as in damage his reputation) for hurting me.
Hi Kris,
Here’s another view on forgiveness I’d like to offer:
To forgive implies that there are “mistakes” possible in Life. It creates a sticky dynamic where one person is “right” (the forgiver) and another person is “wrong” (the forgivee.) This happens internally too — where we are constantly being judged for our actions. It is a tragic waste of time because it never addresses what is happening in the present. I am working with Livestrong cancer survivors who are blaming themselves for getting cancer and who cannot “forgive” themselves. This feeling bad dynamic is so utterly unnecessary and solves NOTHING!
What we all have is what is HERE. Sure, sometimes we are unskillful. Sometimes others are unskillful. And we have the opportunity to LEARN from that — or stay stuck in a story about what happened until we get tired of suffering enough to drop it.
My hope is to transform this dynamic so that people can participate fully in life — to be unburdened by that crappy voice that keeps them stuck in stories of how things oughta be and how they oughta be.
No offense to those who struggle with this, but “How to forgive when you just can’t let go” is more aptly stated “How to forgive when you WON’T let go.”
We have the ability to let go in ANY given moment we choose. We are not victims to our life. We have the power to use what happens to us as a springboard to the next possibility opening up before us.
In lovingkindness,
Alex
Thank you for bringing this up Alex. Unfortunately blaming ourselves for creating our illness is just one tragic fallout from the new age belief that we create our life. We do create it…but not necessarily on this level and not necessarily in the way we think. We create how we respond to what happens in our life and illness can be a huge springboard to transformation.
Alex, I love this, and I love that there are people in the world like you! So smart. 😉
What a wonderful concept! That the concept of forgiveness implies a hierarchy of some sort…. I’d never considered it that way, and when put so simply makes me think:
1. The term “I forgive you for xyz” is too finite & possibly even patronizing.
2. The person I’m trying to forgive (in my case, my father) is simply on a soul journey (just like me) & is going to make mistakes (just like me).
3. By acknowledging our connection / similarity in this way, I can see how I could come to “accept”, which might hopefully lead to a state of living in forgiveness, rather than seeking to concluce ad-hoc acts of forgiving
Thank you for making me think!
Thank you. This was just what I needed to hear this week. Hugs.
Beautifully written