Hi Sweet Friend,
But what if you can’t forgive?
I wanted to kick off this blog by extolling the virtues of forgiveness. Every faith agrees that forgiveness is the seat of liberation. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, rather than stuck in the past. However, try as I might, I just can’t muster up the energy to write a big soaring blog on something I’m still having trouble with.
The truth is, sometimes forgiveness feels impossible.
Have you been there? Are you there now? Is there someone in your life that no matter how hard you try, how many books you read, how many lectures or workshops you attend, you still can’t forgive? Are you tough on yourself for that? Me too.
Today I want to talk about what we can do if we’re not quite ready or able to let go. And I’m really interested in your thoughts too. Because there’s nothing worse than feeling stuck.
Forgiveness doesn’t only resolve our past, it alleviates our fear of the future.
When we hold onto thoughts, memories or traumas, we’re unconsciously attempting to protect ourselves from experiencing that pain again. It can be a complicated process that takes time (not a prescription pill you pop to make it all better).
As someone who’s lived with chronic disease for almost 2 decades, I’ve learned that sometimes there are no short cuts. Forgiveness takes a similar kind of loving patience and ability to accept where we are right now. All healing happens in the right season. It can’t be rushed. Please don’t yell at your kale.
So for me, the first step is to stop forcing and judging. The more I judge myself the more negative, fear-based energy I bring to the situation. This leads to compulsively vomiting that awful word “should”, which only increases my inability to let the darn thing go. “You should be over this by now. You should forgive. You’re a Hay House author for Godsake, a supposed model spiritual citizen, if you can’t forgive you certainly have no business in the business of self-help. Give back your book deal, roll up your blog, join the Hells Angels–you’re done sister.”
And on and on. Sound familiar? (Hopefully not as dramatic.)
It’s pretty obvious that this kind of thinking gets us nowhere. In fact, it only dials up our dislike (or hatred) for the person we’re having a hard time forgiving! Because if they didn’t do such and such then we wouldn’t feel like such a bad person for not forgiving! It’s sorta funny really.
Release the pressure. It’s okay to press pause on problem solving before making your next move. We tend to focus on action and results, but sometimes there’s a gap between the place we really are and the place we want to be.
Here’s a baby step that helps narrow that gap: Forgive yourself for not forgiving.
Forgive yourself for not being ready—yet. Send compassion to yourself—first. Send love to the place that is so hurt it keeps you from taking one step forward. Sit quietly. Think of the pain you’re feeling. Breathe. Put your hand on your heart and silently say “It’s OK. I love you and I forgive you for being angry, sad, stuck, etc.”. Use whatever words bring you peace. Every time I do this it releases blocked energy. And I do it a lot. I do it whenever I start to judge or attack myself in any way.
This also works if you’re the person who needs to be forgiven, but you haven’t been, or perhaps never will be.
It’s not about condoning poor behavior, it’s about thawing the parts of us that stay frozen in old pain and patterns. While I can’t go back in a time machine or control what other people think, I can be gentle and forgive myself for not having the tools in the past that I have now. I can make space for healing, whether that person thinks I deserve it or not.
In some cases, I absolutely wish I could have done things differently. I may not ever have the chance to be forgiven and that might hurt my heart. But luckily, that’s not the end of the story.
When we start from a place of loving ourselves, no matter what, our next step will always be the best one we could have chosen. And that’s enough.
Your turn: What baby steps do you take to forgive?
Peace & pauses,
Hi Kris, You’re so right compassion is always called for on our way to true forgiveness which we get to in our own way and time.
The foundation of A Course in Miracles is forgiveness…as you know. But what many may not know or want to know is that we need to forgive (whether it’s a person or circumstance) not because someone did something wrong…but because what we’re seeing is a projection of our unconscious guilt being played out on the screen of our dream life. By forgiving them (or the situation) we’re really forgiving ourselves for what isn’t really real. This doesn’t excuse any consequences that may be appropriate as a result. But it does free us because we’re really all one. I know this is not an easy concept to accept but it is what A Course in Miracles teaches…
“Forgive yourself for not forgiving.” I love that, it made me chuckle this morning. This may be the hardest step of all, especially when we can’t forgive ourselves for something likely benign that just keeps circling around holding your thoughts hostage.
I have been feeling the same way ! I kept saying to myself ” I must overcome this by now ” , after countless meditation, yoga classes , self help books, videos all the ” healing stuff” that’s supposed to be good for your mind and body .. And still this yucky feeling .. So yes it’s time , like you say , I’m done trying to force this forgiving process . I just decided to find s new passion ., playing conga drums hahaha !!
Sending love from Japan
Dear Kris, you definitely belong at Hay house. Your honesty about this issue is enlightening.I too pried myself in being somewhat of a spiritual exams. Like you I am young and dealing with an ” Incurable cancer” after grieving this I turned it around and have use it for the betterment of myself and those I come in contact with. I give lectures at a unity church, teach yoga and meditation, do facials and massages and reflexology and teach yoga. I seem to inspire a lot of people with my attitude and looks as I was in a wheel chair last year. The only people not impressed with me are my own parents and siblings. There is a history of mutual hurts and issues they are unwilling to resolve or talk about. We Live far from eachother but again recently I found out how negative and judgemental they think and speak of me. as a Christian e Scientist my mother disapproves of my treatments (which are integrative) And there is nothing I do she seems ok with. My sister I was closest to dumped me like a bad ha bit once she found out I had cancer, I am sure it is there fear and denial that keeps them from embracing me yet no matter how much I pray, meditate, affirm and self talk, the anger, and sadness stay and keep creeping up in my consciousness. Like you I tell people to be gentle with themselves first , to not judge themselves . That they cannot love and Forgive other if they are not willing to love and forgive themselves. Like you I feel I should know better. After more than 12 years on this path I should be like Eckart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, GAry Zukov and you!!! It is so refreshing to hear it is ok not to be there from someone like you, to be gentle on myself as I wish other to be. So thank you. Chris, thank you very much. Next time the pain comes up again I will remind myself it is ok to not be there yet and I will forgive and love myself, so that I am able to forgive and Love them
bless you cutie! keep inspiring people with your wonderful work and strength. <3
Inspiring story. I feel your frustration. I guess the greatest comfort to me is when I can share it with a friend and they tell me I’m not insane and this is really happening. God bless you, keep you. Make your own family, find love in others if not in the family you were given.
I really needed to hear this today. Many days actually. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Thank you for this post Kris! It’s been almost three years since I was accused by a friend of something I didn’t do and I was never offered an apology. I still feel weighed down by the negative energy of the whole experience and I’ve been on the journey of forgiveness, but some days the old feelings just rear their ugly head again. I like your suggestion of forgiving myself for not being ready and stopping the judgement of my own thoughts……I will definitely give it a try!
thank you so much kris!!! this is exactly, and i mean, exactly, what i needed to read this morning. i always find your wisdom and truth so inspiring and wholeheartedly appreciate how much authenticity you bring into what you share. lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu!
This post has such perfect timing for me! I am again working through on forgiveness. There is someone that I have tried repeatedly to forgive, and I honestly can’t. I have come to the point that I realize that me and the Great One will just have to have a chat about it. He made me, and knows what I’m like, and knows the internal efforts I have made to do so. I only have anger when I dwell on her lack of care about evolving. At that point, I say a prayer and let it go, I have no place in my life for that unhappiness.
Great topic Kris. I certainly have experienced my share of this in past years. Conscious awareness, choosing to let go and stay in the flow have all moved me forward! Much love. Ellie 🙂
Thank you, Kris. This came to me at the exact moment that I needed it.
I absolutely agree with you about being kind to yourself if you’re struggling to forgive. Put the whip away, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to heal (sometimes it’s only the passage of time that sorts that out) and live with hope for better times ahead. Love and lots of kindness to everyone xxx
Love it! 🙂
such an amazing post and as always, super authentic! you are so real and ‘true blue’ which is why it si so so easy to connect with you more than anyone else in this field. you’ve got ‘it!’. thank you kris! xxx
I think historically the concept of forgiveness has been so manipulated and distorted that the truth of that action is lost. I love that you wrote, “It’s not about condoning poor behavior, it’s about thawing the parts of us that stay frozen in old pain and patterns.” So true. If only more people (self help, or otherwise) focused on that pivotal piece of forgiveness, as well as the fact that forgiveness can’t be forced. The other issue with forgiveness is that when it is discussed, I feel like such easy, minor issues are brought up in relation to the concept. For me, I knew someone who did horrific acts to someone I love (i.e., sociopath), acts that most people would not survive. When forgiveness is discussed I always am left with the feeling that such soft ball examples are used and they really don’t cut it when discussing forgiveness. Let’s talk about the big stuff for a change, that’s far more difficult, and one I have a hard time negotiating. Thanks for your post, Kris. I really appreciate your honesty.
Thanks Kris,
I am at a turning point in my life. I’m retiring from teaching after 21 years in one school district. Just this Saturday I was at the coop, stalling on my way to a students birthday party….and I ran into my ex and his present wife. We exchanged pleasantries and then went on about our shopping.
Often when we run into one another I top off the social exchange with a nasty little remembering of past transgressions on either of our parts and end up feeling either sanctimonious (by product of his transgression) or sullen (by product of my transgressions) this time I looked up and saw them checking out their purchases and a wave of sadness hit me…and I remembered that I love those quiet couple moments and want them again ( with another)
I have totally put myself apart from those who love me except for short structured moments now and again. Mostly I have been fine with being alone….it’s my little protective bubble I’m protecting myself from my own bad choices and my loved ones from the big bad me….or that’s been my story for the past eight or ten years….
That little burst of acknowledgement of missing connection is my big hope against my reluctant holding on to feeling unforgivable and unforgiving.
Today I’m remembering that moment and I’m taking in your recommendation of self caring. Thanks so so much! Great timing.
E
Hi Elizabeth,
I retired from teaching three years ago, and understand where you’re coming from. I divorced my wife six years ago, but we’ve both remained single. I feel that I’m now coming out of all that, through doing what has been important to me for a long time. As a parent and step-parent who has screwed up, while helping other parents, those of my students, get it right, I’m now sharing with the world and becoming clearer about who I am. I’d say, get yourself out there for all to see, offer your guidance to others just like Kris Carr does, give yourself away – and you’ll find the connection will come.
Peter
Forgiving somebody close to you seems so hard when they’ve behaved in a way you never expected or wanted them to. I just try to remember to breathe and give it time. Trying to force or rush a feeling or emotion only magnifies it.
Hi Kris, thank you for a wonderful post. It resonated so deeply with me. There seems to be so much out there on forgiveness at the moment, and I was feeling like such a failure, because as hard as I try, I’m still not ready! Thank you for bringing a human perspective to this sometimes seemingly saintly act. xxxxx
ditto ditto ditto
Thank you for this, Kris. After my mom died of cancer and my dad left my sister and I for his new girlfriend, I have had a really hard time forgiving him, even speaking to him. But I’ve felt such guilt over it because he is still my dad after all. As I was reading your words, I actually felt my body relax and release some tension. It’s okay for us to feel emotions like anger, hurt, abandonment and it’s okay that it takes time to feel better. You can’t rush healing and you need to forgive yourself first. Thank you.
I have had issues with unforgiveness towards my parents. Wayne Dyer has helped me tremendously in forgiving them. He had a lot of anger for his dad, because he walked out on his mother and their young children. Wayne did not see him again and years later found out he was deceased. He found his grave and went to desecrate it and before that could happen he had a thought. He said to himself, “Who am I to condemn you. You did the best you could for the level of consciousness that you were at during that time.” I also learned a great quote from Wayne that is attributed to Mark Twain: “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heal that crushed it.” I try to remember these things when unforgiveness towards them tries to creep up again.
I meant, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.”
Thank you Kris! Your authenticity and grace are truly inspiring!
Lotsa love to you X
Rachel – I have had a really hard time forgiving my father, too. And every time I think I’m over it, something else stirs it all up again.
For me, it’s been powerful to be able to acknowledge that I’m hurt/upset/angry and to express this, even if he will never understand it (which I don’t think he will).
Peace and love to you xo
Having compassion for yourself and not judging yourself is a very powerful first step towards forgiveness. We are human and that means being imperfect and flawed. Even if we are a Hay House published author or spiritual leader, that doesn’t mean we have all the answers. Everyone is doing the best they can at the conscious level they are at and that’s enough.
I love how you make the distinction between “condoning poor behavior” vs. moving forward from “old pain and patterns,” which applies to both giving and receiving forgiveness. for me, it was helpful to define what the abstract concept of forgiveness actually meant concretely (it was a therapy homework assignment a few three decades ago). for me, it means ultimately giving to myself by working through emotions and releasing them so that I can move forward in compassion and love for myself, thereby also moving forward in compassion and love for whomever I might feel upset towards. It doesn’t mean negating the emotions, but recognizing them and processing them as a gift primarily to myself. that’s how i wrapped my mind around that one! so, if you do “yell at your kale” in a moment of displaced weakness, really, the kale will forgive you, and you can acknowledge the issue, forgive yourself, and move on!
Hi Kris, i sent you some healing energy to be able to forgive and if you want, i think i made it so you can say a prayer and pass it on 🙂 but don’t quote me on the passing it on haha
Kris thank you so much this is such an important topic – it is my passion!
Here is an article I wrote on forgiveness and what it does for you! Peace, Harmony, Joy!
THANKS EILLEN, YOUR POST HAS BEEN REALLY HELPFUL TO ME. YOU KNOW I ALSO HAVE A PASSION THAT IS ALL ABOUT RESTORING PEOPLE’S JOY AND LIVES. I REALLY LOVE YOUR POST. VERY SIMPLE YET INFORMATIVE.
(angel)(angel)(angel)(angel)(angel)
Kris, Your timing is impeccable! I recently became aware that I have yet to forgive myself for how I showed up in a relationship that ended – more than 10 years ago! I believe it is the block to over coming my worth issues, particularly around money.
Thank you SO much for this blog post today! Your words, and work in the world, have and continue to help me heal in soooo many ways. I just love you! xo
Live creatively,
Marcella