NAVIGATE

Kris Carr

Blog Post

The 7 crucial questions to ask if your sex drive is low

Hiya Gorgeous!

Let’s talk about sex, baby! With a name like Crazy Sexy, you’d think I’d be tackling this topic more often. Media, advertisements, TV and film, magazines, Facebook, billboards—sex is everywhere.

But have you ever looked at how sex is portrayed and thought, that sure as heck ain’t happening in my bedroom?

Pretty normal, since it’s far from most people’s reality. I know that many of my readers struggle at times with this part of life (I do too!)—whether it’s a lack of desire related to a health issue, exhaustion due to a packed schedule, responsibilities, stress, kids…or depression and sadness that stems from trauma or unresolved issues… the list goes on.

Today I’m kicking off a 2-part series on S-E-X.

I want to encourage you to really honor this aspect of your life, whether you have a partner or you’re flying solo. And since sexual desire (our level of attraction to others, pleasurable thoughts, etc) and sex drive (our biological urge to have sex) is often tied to our general health, I brought in my dear friend, Aviva Romm, Integrative MD to answer some questions.

Aviva is a Yale-trained MD and Board Certified family physician, midwife, and herbalist who is focused on helping women not only heal their bodies and minds, but transform their lives. She has worked with countless individuals to help them get on a path to a positive and fulfilling sex life, and now she’s here to help us do the same. In part one we’ll look at the main causes of low sex drive and possible solutions. Next week, we’ll be back with Aviva to go even deeper and reveal some of the foods, herbs and supplements that can help boost your sex drive. Ready? Let’s get started!

KC: Do a lot of women struggle with sex drive?

AR: The numbers may surprise you:

  • 30% of women age 18 – 44
  • 45% of women age 45 – 64
  • 80% of women 65 – 80 (and older)

These sex drive dips are tied to more than just sexual desire. While for most women, lulls in sex drive have to do with the lifestyle issues you mentioned (high demand on personal time that leaves them feeling less than rockin’ in the bedroom) some women experience a lull between the sheets because of something else going on with their health. This can lead to things like lowered libido, difficulty with arousal and trouble orgasming. And once pleasurable sex goes out the window, it tends to make sex drive issues even more challenging to work through because negative associations can pile up from stressful encounters.

KC: What are the top causes of low sex drive?

AR: Keep in mind that low sex drive is not always related to health issues. It could just be that your focus is elsewhere, like an intensely creative project or sending your kids off to college. But there are many common health challenges that can impact sexual health. Here are some of the biggies:

  • Depression, anxiety
  • Adrenal fatigue, general fatigue, stress
  • Hormonal imbalances
  • Thyroid problems
  • Medications such as: anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, blood pressure, oral contraceptives, and many others.

Also, these additional issues can have a huge impact on the feelings of sexual desire and satisfaction beyond just sex drive:

  • Low self-esteem, poor body image
  • Unhappiness with partner
  • Pain from anything from vulvodynia and vaginismus to vaginal dryness
  • IBS/IBD
  • History of sexual abuse
  • Urinary incontinence

KC: What are some of the things women can do to improve their sex drive?

AR: One important thing to do is get in touch with whether your sex drive is low or whether you have “Samantha from Sex in the City” expectations about what your drive should be. Are you comparing yourself to others rather than focusing on what makes you and your partner happy? This sex quiz can help you get in touch with your unique sexual health and how to get it on track if needed.

 

Sex Quiz Questions & Recommendations:

1. Are there other symptoms that suggest a medical issue?

For example, have you been gaining weight in the past few months? Are you more tired than usual? These particular issues could be low thyroid. Hormonal imbalance, blood sugar, and other factors can also affect your sex drive. If you have unexplained symptoms cropping up, book an appointment with your doctor.

2. How’s your relationship with your body?

If you’re struggling with body image, you’re not alone. Over 97% of women have body hate thoughts every single day! Working with a therapist or counselor, reading books such as Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent, or the work of Mama Gena, for example, can help you to learn to love and respect your body and yourself.

3. How’s your relationship with your partner, and if you don’t have one, with self-pleasure?

Many people are in relationships where their partner may be a little lacking in the giving pleasure department. One of the first steps is being able to speak honestly about this. Another is having strategies to get through the challenge. Check out The American Association of Sex Educators and Therapists‘ (AASECT) list of therapists. Or pick up Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by therapist and midwife Sherri Winston, voted by the AASECT as the best book on discovering women’s sexual pleasure.

4. Are you eating in a way that makes you feel energized, clear-headed and healthy?

Low blood sugar, bloating, and feeling irritable aren’t a recipe for getting “in the mood” (and your mood can negatively affect your partner’s as well). Keeping your blood sugar balanced and healing your gut boosts your spirits and gives your sex life a lift!

5. Are you sleeping 7-9 hours per night?

Poor sleep affects your sexual desire and drive. If you’re exhausted at the end of the day, sex before bed is probably going to go out the window. Getting more sleep is important for your heart health, mental health, weight—and sex life!

6. Are you taking time for relaxation to replenish your spirit and well-being?

I know that when I’m burned out, the thing I want most is time to myself—not canoodling with someone else! Taking time to nourish YOU will put you more in the mood to connect with your partner.

7. Are you making space for romance in your relationship?

So often our intimate partnerships become business relationships: “I’ll pick up the kids, you get the takeout.” “I’ll get the dry-cleaning, you take out the dogs.” And so on. We forget that intentional romance is an important and stimulating prelude to satisfying sex. It’s pre-foreplay! Often we’re just waiting for someone else to create romance. But we can do it, too. Think candles, nice scents, strawberries, and chocolate (hint: chocolate triggers the release of serotonin, increasing feelings of relaxation and pleasure).

Thanks, Aviva!

I hope you’ll take the time to work through Aviva’s sex quiz and embrace some of her phenomenal recommendations. It’s all connected, my friends. When we nurture our sex lives, our entire well-being benefits and vice versa!

Your turn: What’s going on in your sex life? Are you struggling or are you feeling satisfied? Share your thoughts or tips here. We women (and men) never want to feel alone or isolated. Let’s break the taboo and have a good ole honest conversation about sex.

Peace & pillow talk,

Add a comment
  1. Health Matters says:

    Testosterone hormone is the best one to boost to inccrease the sex drive. Your details are more than enough to understand the low sex drive. Love your blog. Good job, keep it up!

  2. Ash says:

    Why does this only address womens low sex drive.
    Wake up! It is insulting. I have a super high drive and I am in a sexless relationship with a man who never wants it. I know I am not alone too. There are many many men out there who have problems with their drive. I am looking up causes but unfortunately almost everything having to do with the subject refers to women, and those that dont assume he must be cheating cause no man ever could possibly not want sex right.

    • Jennifer says:

      Hey Ash, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy and you’ve made an excellent point about how low sex drive isn’t about women only. This blog post specifically had women in mind as Aviva Romm, our guest blogger, specializes in women healing their bodies and minds. This is a great point to keep in mind for future blogs, thank you!

  3. Samantha V says:

    I have hard a lot about the O-shot and Vyleesi. I’m concerned about the O-shot because it’s not been approved by the FDA. Vyleesi has been approved but it looks like we will have to wait until September to try it to see if it works.

  4. Ronika says:

    Got this simply over this web page. I am having such a beautiful blog thanks buddy! in future we definetly meet.

  5. You’ve answered some of the important questions that women tried enough to seek for an answer. Thanks for sharing!

  6. We should only focus on men since women also have the same problem with their sex drive as well. This site just provides some of the helpful remedies that can be done at home and some should change their healthy lifestyle as well.

  7. Thank you for sharing this information about how to increase low sex drive for women. This is very informative.

  8. This is very informative, they answer the questions that other people are shy to talk to other and tend to keep it for themselves. Your awesome thanks for your very informative site.

  9. Clara says:

    My relationship with my partner is at breaking point over sex. I have a very low libido (always have) and could easily live without sex, however like many women, I also have body image issues and suffered with an eating disorder for many years.
    Presently, I try hard to force myself to have sex with my partner a couple of times a month; I don’t enjoy it and he knows that. Sex is really important to him.
    Our relationship is wonderful in every other aspect, but this is a deal breaker for him.
    Is there a way of increasing my libido? Or is this just the way I am?
    I’m 35 and would dearly love children with this man. I’m so sad that I might have to sacrifice everything.

  10. I understand that being a mother or wife is not an easy job. Most women ended up having no desire for sex due to tiring work. I think women should maintain their healthy lifestyle and should get some rest too so that they can still have time for their man.

  11. Mother Pearl says:

    Hey! Thankyou, this advice was so refreshing. Most articles give 5 obvious tips on increasing sex drive that are really shallow but this was great. I blog about having a low sex drive and how I’m recovering over at thepearldiariescouk.wordpress.com

  12. Sherry Lewis says:

    I am 64 years old, i have not had sex in 12 years. It started out with menopause. Then I started having some issues with fissures on my rectum, which I’m sure turned my husband off., now he is having sex with his 30-year old Secretary and has not touched me and all this time and I am ready to get back out and I just don’t feel the desire down there and I want to get it back.

  13. Katleho says:

    Am to stressed & My man is just so irritating when he has done something I will ask him about it then he lies then that will just become the issue then I get angry & forget or punish him

  14. Jesse says:

    Hey I’m Jesse, I have been having a lot of thoughts going on about not really wanting sex with my boyfriend i don’t really remember when it started. I just I don’t know how to describe it honestly it’s like I’m almost anxious of it i guess. I don’t want to have sex I just haven’t felt in the mood. I’m so scared it could be bc I just don’t want to be with him anymore and that scares me so much. He recently had lied to me about something and lost my trust. He also has a very bad home life and so he has his problems and I have my own and it stresses me out. We’ve been going through quite a bit lately. I feel depressed and anxious a lot and my mom doesn’t even believe me she says it’s just my attitude I need to fix…not all of this is about not wanting sex. I just need to reach out bc I have really been needing somebody to reach out to to help me to see if anyone can possibly help. I have had a lot of thoughts like do I still love him, do I really see a future with him, do I really like being with him, thoughts that I’ve never had before but now I can’t get rid of. My mind is so scattered I can’t really sit down and answer those questions myself bc my mind is just a mess, but one of the questions is do I find him attractive have I lost interest could this be why I haven’t really wanted to have sex? I’ve looked for weeks for answers but am still scared he’s just not meant to be. I want him to be I think deep down I do love him and that I’m just having stupid unrealistic thoughts and over exaggerating. I don’t know but I really really need help I’ve been crying everyday for weeks about this and I would love some help please!?

  15. LaTanya says:

    Hi Kris: I’m 58 and don’t ever recall a sex drive. I have been divorced over 25 years now. I have dated many since that time. I have met some really wonderful men in my lifetime and never been in a relationship with an abuser or negative state. Now at 58 years old, I met who I thought was the man I wanted a long term relationship with. I tried for 9 months and I just couldn’t do it any longer. He desires to be intimate, I would oblige because I felt like it was the least I could do. He is a wonderful man/gentleman everything I wanted in a man, but I am not attracted to him at all (physically or any other way). I was hoping over the 9 months we have been dating I would have become attracted. I thought or think its me. But come to think of it I have never had a high libido even in my younger years. In my life time I can probably count on both hands how many times I have had them in my 58 years. Yes, I have been a great actress at pretending. Now after meeting this wonderful man I must question me. I am the common denominator in this situation. Do you have any suggestions? What’s up with me? Thoughts? Guidance… Thank you, L

  16. Sexual problems are a common issue among females due to change in their lifestyle and increasing age. This is a great post having detailed knowledge about how to increase sexual desire. Thank you for sharing this as it will be beneficial for women.

  17. jaya says:

    Thanks for sharing this blog & important too

  18. Jennifer says:

    I’m a 40 year old woman who was sexually abused from 6 until 19. Traumatizing, yes. However, being sexualized that young, sex always seemed like a constant addiction, something I’d chase and chase, whoever wanted me or gave me any attention, I always thought all I really had to give was my body. I was masturbating at 14 and seemed obsessed with sex and exploring taboo fantasies with my partners when I felt comfortable enough. Two years ago I met the love of my life and we in the beginning had the most amazing sex life coupled with a very deep and profound unconditional love. For once I felt like sex wasn’t something I was chasing or exploiting. I just wanted to feel what it was like to be loved. Without feeling like 2-3 times a week or whatever’s in the news today is normal and anything less than that wasn’t. This is our normal, whenever we feel like it. If that’s every 2 months or twice a day or week, that’s us. We’re completely fulfilled in every other way. It’s nice to love myself physically completely and think I’m beautiful all on my own. It’s nice not to think me being sexually desired is important anymore. That’s all I have to say about it. Libido on hold or not.

  19. viona says:

    maybe one of these explanations is an answer for my problems. thank you so much Kriss

  20. Mohammed Aliyu Rabiu says:

    Thanks for the infor still I need you to to educat me more how to enjoyed my sex life am not enjoying at all I can go in only once or two’s at last three time I will be ok pls

  21. Liz Stringer says:

    Hi Kris 🙂 Great article! I love the Sex Quiz Questions & Recommendations – holistic healing is the go! Please check out my new website specially for women where I sell my award-winning Cleopatra aphrodisiac tea and hot chocolate! I look forward to reading more greatness from you.

  22. Louise says:

    I’ve always had a reasonably low sex drive but ever since the birth of my second child a year ago my sex drive has become non existent! My husband is great with the kids and helps out when and where he can. I know we are both tired (as he works shift work) but sex is the last thing on my mind at the end of a day. I’m going to try a few of the things suggested in the article but if I don’t feel any different I think I will be heading off to the Drs.

  23. Morgan says:

    Im only 19 years old and me and my boyfriend fight over my non-existent sex drive a lot.
    Maybe if I show this to my boyfriend of a year and half he’ll understand why my sex drive has been non- existent for almost 8 months. Thank you for this

  24. Gina says:

    Hello everyone, After 6 years trying to conceive I finally got pregnant 2 weeks after I contacted Priest Iyare from his website. It was simply amazing. I had history of recurrent miscarriages and was also diagnosed with genetic problems but using your system I got pregnant naturally at age 44& after 2 HSGs and 4 negative IUIs including 6 induction Clomid cycles and laparscopy. God will bless you and your good work more and more. I am recommending your program to all my friends, God bless you for your good work.

  25. Jess says:

    Hi I’m 27 years old recently found out I have hyperthyroidism I have 3 small kids under the age of 5 I work and I have no interest in having sex with my partner anymore I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m just completely not interested. And when I know my partner is in the mood I try to avoid him as much as possible and fall asleep I feel like having sex is just like another chore I have to do around the how is there something I can do differently, I’ve heard hypothyroidism causes low sex drive but haven’t read that hyperthyroidism cause it too any suggestions?

  26. Elizabeth says:

    I am 18yrs old and at my age you normally have sex a lot. I haven’t had sex in over a year and a half and I’m worried why. I don’t seem interested in anyone, and when I am it’s not enough for me to feel comfortable to go any further. I think I am ashamed of my body but i have put on a little weight since the last time I have sex. If I tried to go there with someone I would just go really shy and get a mini anxiety attack. I don’t know what to do?

  27. Ally says:

    Hi my name is ally I’m 33 years old every since I had my tubes tide cut and burnt off almost nine years ago I have a very very low I mean low sex drive and I stay dry down there all the time I’m very attracted to my husband and I love him dearly I need help

  28. Emily says:

    My fiancee and I used to have a great sex life but now it seems that when I want it he’s tired and when he wants it I don’t. We fight about it and I don’t know what to do. I feel that there may be something wrong with me but I don’t know. Please help.

  29. Jennifer Sanchez says:

    I am 44years.I a female.I have a visiting relationship for a long while.I feel my partner don’t really love me but rather see me as a sex symbol. So I’m never eager to have it anymore.this situation really have my sex drive very low.I need to fix this now

  30. chris says:

    Hi there Kris. Thank you for the great topic and for being such an inspiration for me and my family for over 5 years now. Question: What about us breastfeeding mothers out there who have dryness but also low libido? Are the herbs in part two bf compatible? I’ve been breastfeeding for over a year now and it has been a low sex year for sure. I experience pain but I’m also not in the mood (+tired). Thank you!!

  31. carol says:

    I have a question. As a post-menopausal woman of 58 I am having problems during sex with vaginal dryness and irritation. Could you please suggest a chemical-free safe lubricant. Thank-you for your inspiring advice and for your time.

  32. Victoria Palacios says:

    Thank you Kris’s for your wealth of information.
    But my low Sex drive and vaginal dryness is due to a hysterectomy…now menapause. I have tried coconut oil and aloe Vera . These do not he. I. Need help to find the best and safest lubrication. I also need information on vibrators made of safe material….. I want my groove back now I really have a great guy….but not a great sexual experience Love and Peace ThAnks

  33. Cathy says:

    I have been married for 30+years with my high school sweet heart. Sex has been good. As we are getting older we are having less and less…..with my menopause and his high blood pressure. Sex is a thing of the past! no sex for a least 3 months now!
    He has his vodka and wine every night! He has no libido, at least for me???? He has low self esteem. I am always giving him complements and asking him to choose us 1st. he seems to make everything a priority except his health and us! Any suggestion and how to help him/us?

    C

  34. Natalie says:

    I’m 40 with early menopause because of chemotherapy. My oncologist expects my period to return but in the meantime I’m left with very little sexual drive and when I do have sex it is very painful. Will the chasteberry and maca taken simultaneously work?

  35. Meg says:

    Hello Kris!

    I saw on Aviva’s list that oral contraceptives cause a low sex drive. I use the NuvaRing and I do not want to stop the use of because I do not want to become pregnant at this time in my life, but I do want to be able to express myself sexually without any worries. Do you have any suggestions for continuing the use of birth control while also staying healthy throughout all that I do in life including activity in my sex life?

    Thank you!
    Meg

  36. Constance says:

    Very interesting topic, thank you for sharing

  37. K says:

    Great article! I’m working on recovering from adrenal fatigue and hormone imbalances (worsened by 10 yrs of bc use) and boy what a difference when my estrogen/progesterone levels are better now! I’ve had my cycle on my own without bc for almost a year now (yay!) So much of a difference in libido but it has been hard because I haven’t had it for so long that the act of sex actually scares me and I have some emotional work to do with self-confidence in that dept. When I didn’t have sex drive and did have sex it was painful and not enjoyable at all and now I’m more worried about it than I should be. I just don’t seem to ‘O’ with penetration as much as clitoral. Is that normal and what can help besides ‘taking a chill pill’? Not sure if that was too much info lol but thought I would ask!

  38. Catherine says:

    Thank you for this article Kris! This afternoon I had a discussion with my husband about my low libido and then I see your article tonight, what are the chances? I am 52 years old and married to an amazing, sexy, smart, sweet guy and I find myself thinking “I can take it or leave it” for the first time ever. I miss my old enthusiasm and hope this is not a permanent change. Between the discussion with my husband (which was supportive, honest and comforting) and your information I believe I can change the direction of things. Whew!

  39. Sheila evans says:

    My husband gained 40 pounds and is totally stressed out with work. I am not attracted to him at all. He sleeps with a cpap machine, so we sleep
    In separate rooms. I haven’t had sex with him in years. It’s like we are good tag team parents but that is it.

  40. Amanda says:

    I have been struggling with frustration towards the inequality of my partner and my sex lives. He gets seemingly infinitely more orgasms than I do- I usually only get them flying solo- but every once in a while I do with him. It doesn’t seem fair. He tries to help out – he cares deeply and he is very attentive – but it just doesn’t happen and then I feel frustrated and sad.
    Fear of this negative experience leaves me avoiding intimacy. How do I break this cycle??

    • K says:

      omg I am totally with you! I am wondering the same thing. I am more afraid of the negative experience of not climaxing with him and so I avoid it.

  41. Kim says:

    Thank you for this. I’m struggling. I have severe hypothyroidism/Hashimoto’s disease and resulting adrenal fatigue and hormonal imbalances. My weight is up 30 pound and I feel disgusting, my body image in in the toilet, and I’m exhausted almost all the time. I’m working on getting my Natire-Throid dose to where it needs to be. So far I’m on 3 grains. Since I’m estrogen dominant, not even a hint of menopause or even peri- menopause-I’m still as regular as clockwork. Would an “auto-immune diet” help? I saw someone mention that. Honesty, despite the thyroid issues I feel that my weight and body image are mostly to blame. I’m having an awful time with losing weight and having the energy to work out…and I used to work out really hard 60 minutes a day! Not anymore. :'( My metabolism is soooo loooow and I’m freezing cold all the time, so losing weight is a big challenge AND frustration. I know my husband loves me but I’m afraid is not having sex is putting a strain on our relationship. Any suggestions? Thanks so much.

  42. Eleanor Lackey says:

    Intercourse is extremely painful. My skin is thin and feels raw. I am orking on getting rid of yeast infections, uti’s, leaky gut, and cravings for salt and sugar. I am a work in progress…..
    I am immunosuppressed due to a kidney transplant, on blood pressure med. I have to be careful that supplements etc. don’t interact with transplant meds…..so no probiotics etc.
    I need to be pro-active to become more positive…..Pity party has gone on too, long.
    Please, what can I do to feel pleasure instead of pain?
    Feeling lonely….with a frustrated husband.
    Thanks for calling me gorgeous!

  43. Amy says:

    I take a low dose of an anti-depressant and I KNOW it has lowered my sex drive along with being on birth control. I have tried to go off anti-depressants but just can’t be without at this time in my life. I need birth control pills because I have endometriosis and it helps keep that under control. Any suggestions on how to strengthen my sex drive with those issues. Btw, I’m 43 with 10, 8 and 4 year old kids so a busy life doesn’t help either as I melt into my bed each night!!

  44. Angela says:

    Have you been reading my mind? Seriously, just Saturday night while I was doing my wifely duty, I wished I really wanted to, that I would have orgasms, that I still felt the way I once did. I’m 53 and who knows where on menopause since I had a hysterectomy at 31. Last on/gyn visit two years ago she said my hormones were good still. My body image is good as I’ve never been in better shape, but I only sleep 6 or 7 hours a night most nights and work at home with very little social interaction. I am probably dealing with some degree of depression as my son died just over a year ago of a drug overdose. Looking forward to the next article because, in general, I wouldn’t care if I never had sex again.

  45. Kate says:

    Hi Kris. I am a big supporter!
    I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age 29. Since my hysterectomy and the progesterone I take for ongoing treatment, sex has been extremely painful to the point where it doesn’t happen. I am now 35 and struggle daily with this issue. If Aviva knows what type of professional I could seek for this it would be helpful. My oncologist has not been able to guide me.

  46. goolia says:

    We have had three miscarriages which is pretty rough on the sexy-time. After the “advice ” from doctors being “keep trying” and it’s “just bad luck” we finally saw an integrative medicine doctor and now have hope. That helps sex!! I am sure hormones are effecting desires but those losses really impacted things too.

  47. Pamela says:

    Thank you Kris! My husband has been struggling with Peyronie’s disease for five years now and that’s definitely been difficult for both of us. He has a hard time facing this issue, and I’ve kind of turned my own drive down, plus have body image issues… and I just turned 40!! But we’re together in this, I love him, we have a healthy wonderful family and I’m grateful. Just trying to get him to visit a sex therapist with me.
    Thanks for being such a great source of inspiration.
    XX

  48. Sarah says:

    Hi Kris/Aviva,

    Sorry for posting this comment twice- I just realized I entered my email incorrectly and don’t want to miss it if I get a response so I’m posting again with my correct email. thx!

    I have had a bartholins cyst for more than 3 years. My partner barely even notices, and it’s not painful nor has it ever been infected so it’s harmless I guess but I’m super self conscious about it and it’s putting a bit of damper on things in the bedroom 🙁 I am a nutritionist and my first goal was to heal my gut and kick out Candida which I’ve done a pretty good job of- I’ve also tried vaginal probiotic suppositories, creams, and sitz baths. I have searched online and in all of my good resource books for an alternative method to get rid of it to no avail- most books don’t even mention bartholins gland cysts.

    Is surgery my only option? I’d be grateful for any resources you can share.

    Thank you!

    Sarah

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Sarah,

      I checked in with Aviva and here are some extra tips she has for you. xo, kc

      “If it’s not bothering you physically, I’d probably try to do a mental reframe about the feelings you have about it. Because surgery, while effective, is not always a permanent solution, and always has some risks. You might also consider seeing a naturopathic doctor or herbalist who can provide guidance on specific botanicals you can try topically. Hot compresses applied daily are one of the common things I recommend to patients. Although if it’s been pretty steady in size for 3 years, it may just now be a hard cyst that won’t resolve, so I wouldn’t try compresses or herbs for more than a few weeks if you don’t notice any change. Hope this helps!” – Aviva Romm, MD

  49. Sharon says:

    I am 54 and my libido is completely gone. Huge change from how I felt pre-menopause and sex now is incredibly painful, no matter how much foreplay is involved. I have tried various vaginal suppositories and creams and now am using Estring, which is helping the dryness issue only marginally. I hate that my husband has to use a lubricant as it really interrupts the whole process and is messy, etc., so it really kills the mood. I now dread sex because 1) it’s so painful, 2) it’s not like it used to be, i.e. hardly ever reach orgasm, 3) it’s frustrating to both of us. I exercise daily and am very active, and eat well (pescatarian diet). Is there any hope for me?

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Sharon: Here’s some helpful advice from Aviva. xo! kc

      “There’s hope! I’d check out Christiane Northrup’s book Goddesses Never Age because a positive reframe on our own bodies as women staying juicy and vibrant is so important. Also, in part two if this article, Kris and I talk about herbal and nutritional supplements that can help a ton (coming next week!), in addition to using the probiotics I mention a few times in the comments. Increase your dietary fats, play around with some natural lubes made from coconut oil and cocoa butter (in other words, they are edible!) and definitely focus on the foods and supplements in part 2 of this series that help nitric oxide release to enhance orgasm. Give the estrogen some time, too.” – Aviva Romm, MD

  50. Sarah H says:

    Thanks so much for your post! I’m relieved that I’m not the only one having these struggles. I am 33 years old and I’ve always had difficulty with getting enough vaginal lubrication going. (I became sexually active later in life than most, only for about 8 years.) I’ve also had digestive issues for about 15 years, which have varied in severity over the years and tried countless things with little consistently working. Anyways I’ve been engaged for a couple years and my partner is very understanding of my vaginal dryness but it has lowered his sexual attraction towards me. We use natural lubricants when we do have sex but it is not often. He doesn’t enjoy sex that much when we always have to use lube, sometimes several times during sex. Do you think my dryness is related to my digestive issues or sex hormone imbalances or both? I had my sex hormones checked about 6 years ago and they were fine, but might have changed since. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks again!

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Sarah: Aviva passed along some suggestions to me for you. Here ya go! xo

      “Wow, this sounds like a really tough double whammy for you. Digestive issues definitely affect the vaginal flora, too. In fact, I am working on a new online course about this very topic — it will be ready sometime later in the year — because I’ve treated it in so many women patients. Which means for sure, you’re not alone! One of the most effective treatments I’ve found is an oral and vaginal probiotic, both used daily, to rebalance the flora. I’ve been amazed how this has helped with chronic vaginal dryness. You want to make sure the product has both Lactobacillus rhamnosus and reuteri. Also, take fish oil daily if you’re not vegan (alternative source: DHA and/or EPA—Plant-based Omega-3s), and get plenty of high quality fats in your diet — up to 2 TBS daily of oiive oil, some avocado, and coconut oil. Ok, and as for your partner — if he’s not getting turned on, he’s probably not making the effort to turn you on, and that can dial down your getting juicy even further. And on top of that, if you’re stressed about the whole situation, that can add to the problem. So I suggest doing a deep dive to make sure you’re happy in that relationship — is this guy really turning you on in other ways? The group AASECT is a professional organization of sex educators, therapists and counselors that has members all over the US who provide consultations — and this might be helpful for both of you.” – Aviva Romm, MD

  51. Jenn H. says:

    Hi, Kris,
    I’ve been having an issue with drive since my son was born in 2013. He was delivered by c-section, since he decided he was having fun in there and was caught up in his cord (feet, body and neck)! I used to have such a strong drive. Now it takes everything to just “rev” up to have the desire to. Anything Aviva can suggest. I do know part of it is because of weight I’m still trying to shed (about 25 lbs). But I downloaded Crazy, Sexy, Diet and have been trying to follow it 80, 20.

    Thanks again! Again, this came at the right time.
    Jenn

  52. Diane says:

    Thank you both for confirming what I had been suspecting all along with respect to my waning libido. After chemo and radiation for estrogen receptor positive breast cancer almost 8 years ago, I am still not officially in menopause and I am miserable so much of the time. Weight gain, brain fog, low thyroid, vaginal dryness, little or no desire for sex, lichen sclerosis, joint pain, etc. I have an appointment with a holistic MD next week and I cannot wait to see her as I believe she will have some answers and help for me. I’m looking forward to your post next week and I hope you will suggest some alternatives for those of us who need to stay away from estrogen or herbs that behave like estrogen. Thanks again!

  53. Hope says:

    Thanks Kris and Aviva! I really appreciate you pointing out how body image can also affect your sex life! Self-affirmations are something I’ve been working on lately to help improve my own body image and thus improve my sex life as well! We all are beautiful and are WORTHY and DESERVING of giving and receiving pleasure!

  54. Monika says:

    Can lack of desire be caused by a C-section? I had one over two years ago and ever since then I have had zero desire. I am 42 years old so I don’t know if my age is also a reason for a declining libido. I cannot make my husband understand that I want to be intimate with him because I love him, but I just don’t have sexual feelings or thoughts anymore. I think my marriage may be in jeopardy because of this issue.

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Monika: Thank you for sharing your experience. Here’s some input from Aviva:

      “Oh, so sorry you’re going through a hard time in your marriage — that’s not easy. Well, I’m not so sure that a cesarean itself can cause low desire, but having a baby is one of the most common reasons for just not feeling in the mood. Babies and toddlers are wonderful and cute and lovable but wow — exhausting, too. So if all of our energy is going into a little one, and we’re not getting replenished, sometimes there’s just not enough to give someone else. Also, low thyroid in new moms, even 2 years out, is a super commonly missed problem that can lead to low libido. Postpartum depression can last for a long time, too, and can cause low libido — and a birth that was in any way traumatic, or led to a large amount of blood loss — can also cause low libido.” – Aviva Romm, MD

  55. Maryssa says:

    Thank you so much Kris for this wonderful article!
    My sex drive has been going down a cliff for several years now. I am 34 years old and have been taking oral contraceptives since I was 17. I stop using them last August when I was diagnosed with TNBC. So on top of that, my husband and I have 2 toddlers (4 and 2), 2 rabbits and a cat! My hands a pretty full and we leave sex at night time when kids are asleep and our day is over. But by that time it’s around 10-10:30pm and I am exahusted and I sometimes hope he is too. Fortunately he is not. And I say fortunatley because I know that the day he “passes” on sex I will not only miss it, but will feel self councious. It’s hard for me to have an orgasm and I really have to be telling myself that I want it in order to achieve it. Now once I have one, I can easily have 3-4 more in less than 5 min! But it’s getting to that first one that’s the hard part. My mind travels a lot! And when we are having sex I find myself thinking about stupid &:(*! rather than enjoying the time with my husband. He is such a giver! But I tend to push him away. For example he will be kissing me near my arm pit and immedialty I am thinking “please don’t get close to the arm pit! I don’t know if it smells!”. And after that my mind just wonders off.
    Any suggestions for this nut?
    Thank you in advance! ❤️

    • Bernadette says:

      I second this question! I have a 28 month old and an 11 month old. My hubs and I work 12 hour days with more days off, but our days “off” are ON with the kids and only sometimes coincide. We definitely have become more business partners and we don’t have the time or energy for romance though definitely the desire. We can barely do laundry or make dinner! I’m hoping when the kids get older it’ll be easier but this life is getting stressful and depressing! And yes I’m on Wellbutrin but it’s only helping partially. Am I doomed to just wait it out?

  56. marise says:

    Hello,
    Always nice talking about sex and bringing as more information as possible to women (and men).

    I usually don’t post comments online, but this time I feel compelled to do so, and I have a very strong reason for that.
    I found everything right in this blog, but I can’t believe that the psychological issues, which are the real culprits that can have a real negative effect on people’s sexuality are mentioned here as “these additional (and still significant) issues … “. Only an illness can be worse than:

    Low self-esteem, poor body image
    Unhappiness with partner
    History of sexual abuse

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Marise: Our intent was not to undermine seriousness of these issues for many people. To clarify, the first list relates to what Aviva has found to be the most common health challenges associated with low sex drive. The second list includes issues that may not be as common, but are in no way less serious or challenging. I hope that helps to clear up any misunderstanding. Best, kc

  57. Rachel says:

    Thank you so much Kris & Aviva! I’m a 42 year old, vegan gal who exercises five days a week, but after five years of trying to get pregnant (with no luck), fertility drugs and then early menopause, my sex drive is pretty much nonexistent…I’m taking bioidentical hormones, (estradiol & progesterone), but my drive is still really low. I’ve just added testosterone and a vaginal cream to the mix, so hopefully that will help. My husband also has a really low sex drive, (he’s 43) so I’m going to encourage him to have his testosterone checked as well. Having a low sex drive, going through early menopause and my husband’s low sex drive can be really hard on a gal’s self esteem too…

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Rachel,

      Here’s some advice from Aviva about your comment. Hope this helps. 🙂

      “Truth be told, if you are exercising a lot, are on the slim side, and maybe not getting the optimal nutrition your body needs from food (not enough fats, low iron, low essential fats) your body will think — wow, I don’t have enough of what I need for me, so there’s definitely not enough to spare for baby — and this can make fertility tough. Sometimes getting some fat helps your sex drive and fertility get their groove on. With your guy, I’d see to him having a basic physical, making sure his weight is optimal, fatigue and stress in check — all the things that can get in the way of sex drive. And then for you on the herbal side – vitex has been shown to boost fertility and can forestall menopause in some women long enough to achieve a pregnancy.” – Aviva Romm, MD

      • Milagros Chávez Fernández says:

        Hi there, for hormonal imbalances flax seed and Maca has really made a difference for me. After 2 weeks of having Maca in my vegan smoothie, vaginal dryness was gone and sex drive improved a lot. A healthy diet is very important which at the same time helps with the emotional part.
        Much light to you all 🙂

  58. karen hobbs says:

    other than with myself I do not have an intimate sex life and havent for about 4 years. My problem is definitely not lacking in the urge and I am 66. I urge women who think it aint there,to masturbate and learn how to love yourself. Then if you are in a relationship, role over, look at that other person and decide – yes or no, urges or not. Maybe it’s time to have that good old honest relationship talk and if that doesnt work, leave. You owe it to yourself to have happy life and pleasure isnt the whole of it but certainly contributes. And BTW I am a widow and not really ‘looking’ and had a great, healthy sex life with my husband.

  59. Nicole says:

    Thanks so much for this Kris! I am 31 yrs. old and I have Fibromylagia and just recently found out that I had a very unhealthy gut 🙁 That really is the stem of so many issues. I have been working with a holistic chiropractor for 10 weeks, and have never felt better. I am half way through the process and I can’t believe how much my life has changed already. My pain has been cut in half and my energy is through the roof! I encourage anyone that has autoimmune issues or any types of imbalances, fatigue, etc. to see a holistic doctor. This has been something that has pretty much saved my life, and my marriage!

  60. Natasha says:

    Im 27 years old and I have Autoimmune Hepatitis AND hypothyroidism…a lot going against me. But we are working on it! I think my husband and I are just recently coming around to realizing that im not rejecting him and its not that im not attracted to him! I just lack energy and the drive a lot…and it may have a lot to do with my health.
    Great topic! Looking forward to part two! 🙂

    • Kris Carr says:

      Awesome job communicating with your husband, Natasha! So important. xo, kc

    • Nicole says:

      Natasha – please read my comment that I just posted. I encourage you to get in touch with a holistic doctor – they are so in touch with the body and starting the healing process from the gut. I hope nothing but the best for you in this journey!

      • Natasha says:

        Thank you Nicole for your kind words. I’ve seen a holistic chiropractor before, it was pretty expensive and it doesnt seem like much was accomplished…but ill try someone else. Always willing to look for healthier options rather than taking tons of pills everyday. 🙂

    • Jay says:

      How did you guys manage to communicate that it wasn’t disinterest? My new spouse is convinced I was never that into him and that I me him unattractive, which I attempt to assure him of that to no avail. I know he has low self esteem, but I just haven’t been feeling like Sex. Just the thought of oral sex just seems exhausting to me. Would love your opinions or tips on how to communicate!

  61. Michelle says:

    Like others here, vaginal dryness/pain can be an issue. Any recommendations for a natural lubricant? Thanks!

  62. Rebecca says:

    So glad you are doing an article on sex! My sex drive has been really low for the past few years. I think it’s largely due to weight gain.
    However, my husband has about zero sex drive. Any info/advice on that scenario? It’s very frustrating when my libido wakes up and his is still non-existent.

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Rebecca,

      Thanks for your comment! Here’s some extra advice from Aviva:

      “That sounds so frustrating. Ok, so first I’d say take a look at the weight gain for you — what’s going on there? Are you doing ok in your marriage? Is the weight gain affecting your own body image in any way? If your husband has also gained weight this can have a really big impact on men’s sex drive so finding a creative way to get on a plan together to get fit can get your drive in harmony! Also, many of the herbs and supplements we’ll be talking about in part 2 next week can be helpful for both of you!’ – Aviva Romm, MD

  63. Dora says:

    The desire is still there, but due to chemo which pushed my into menopause, my body has dried out from head to toe. Sex is painful! There are very few non-hormonal lubricants and the ones out there have not been very helpful. Open to all suggestions.

    • Shell says:

      Have you heard of ASAP Gel by Swanson, or Scream Cream? Both of these may be a helpful option for you. I hope so! XO shell

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Dora,

      I checked in with Aviva on your question—here’s what she had to say:

      “The herbs Kris and I will be discussing in part two will probably be super helpful for you. Also, try a vaginal probiotic with L reuteri, L rhamnonus, and get plenty of good quality fats in your diet. Using a rich dollop of coconut oil as a lube during sex and daily can also help.” – Aviva Romm, MD

  64. Carol says:

    Thank you SO MUCH for this!!!

  65. Jeannie says:

    Hormonal imbalances! I am struggling since my hysterectomy!
    I’m 55 & my husband is 70. When we do have sex, it”s great!
    But, sometimes I am just exhausted or my head is totally out of whack : /
    I’m on an estrogen patch, drink red clover tea, vegan diet, walk 3.2 mile twice a week & water aerobics 2 or 3 times a week! I don’t know how to get my whacky hormones back in balance!!
    HELP!!!!!

    • Arla says:

      I have the same thing. I exercise daily in the form of running, yoga, hockey etc and I’m 54. I drink red clover tea, I don’t use the estrogen patch but should I be? I eat veg-aquarian and have recently retired from a high stress career. I’m really finding it hard to get “in the mood”. Please help!

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Jeannie,

      I touched base with Aviva and she agrees that the recommendations in this article would be a great place to start. Plus, stay tuned for the food, herbs and supplements we’re sharing next week in Part 2!

      xo, kc

  66. Chris says:

    Dear Kris,
    thank you so much for addressing this topic! I have watched myself loosing my libido over the past 2 years and I am so scared that I will stay like this. At the same time, I had health issues arising, that finally, after 2.5 years, seem to be diagnosed rightly as candida albicans, which makes me have vaginal infections basically all the time, accompanied by vaginal dryness and a loss of excitement. I am 34 years old and I am getting desperate. I so hope that with finally the right treatment of my candida, this will change, but what if not?
    All the best, Chris

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Chris,

      Here’s some feedback from Aviva. Thanks for your comment!

      “Chronic vaginal candida is usually caused by a combination of several factors: high sugar in the diet, gut and vaginal dysbiosis, vaginal dryness due to hormones, and low immune response. The adaptogens are great herbs for building immunity, while a probiotic orally, vaginally, or both which contains L rhamnosis and L reuteri for rebalancing flora, along with a very low glycemic diet can heal this problem. The probiotic can help the vaginal dryness, but if estrogen is really low consider Vitex (chaste berry herb), flax seed, or even a topical estrogen cream. All the best, Aviva Romm, MD”

      • Chris says:

        Thank you so much, Kris, for taking the time to read my post, checking in and providing such great advice for me. You are such a star! XX

  67. laura vann says:

    Fabulous in timely article! I will be 50 in June and as a health coach, I know that most of my clients and myself are dealing with many issues in that list. My husband and I do marriage mentoring and one of the topics we teach is a sexually charged marriage bed. But I must say,lately, it takes extra effort to keep myself on purrrr rather than pooped mode! Lol keep up the great work Kris!

  68. Pam says:

    I have a chronic case of lichen schlerosis, which is a non contagious skin condition down there. It causes the vulva area to be very sore. So when LS acts up, sex can be very painful. Creams help but not 100% any suggestions for you Kris or Aviva?

    • Kris Carr says:

      Hi Pam, I checked in with Aviva and here’s what she had to say:

      “Lichen sclerosis is tough to treat but I have seen cases improve by following more of an autoimmune type of protocol because this tends to heal inflammation — so a low-inflammatory diet along with herbs like turmeric (in the form of curcumin) orally, and antioxidants like resveratrol. I combine this with herbal topical treatments for symptom relief, including comfrey and calendula salves. But it’s a bit more complex and is something that you can get more focused help with from a functional or integrative doctor.” – Aviva Romm, MD

    • Erin says:

      Pam,
      I too was diagnosed with Lichen Schlerosis in 2008. It was bad, I thought I would never have sex again. I got serious about what I ate and what I put on my body largely thanks to Kris. I followed her crazy sexy diet and saw results immediately. I also basically treated it like an autoimmune disorder. I still have tiny flare ups if my diet and self care get too crazy but I have learned what works to keep inflammation down in my body. I have since had a vaginal birth at home and enjoy an active sex life with my husband. Please hold onto hope and look within yourself and your body for the ability to heal. XOXO

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